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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
Strangefacade
♀ New Member
Member # 43394
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you. I have nothing to offer you as my own issues are too fresh. I'm glad you can get away from it all.
When I'm with my WH,I feel like there isn't enough air in the room.


I'm strong again. That's the only reason you choose me.

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Mi
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that words means nothing. Action speaks more than words. Think about what she could actually do that would make you think she's in the right direction. You should expect nothing less.

Good luck. You will get over this but you will never forget. This is a scar that we had hoped we would never had and this is the club we never wanted to join.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1227 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I've been thinking of you all day. I hope you're doing OK. Remember, we're all here for you, supporting you.

Please remember, you did NOTHING to cause this. WW is broken, and couldn't/wouldn't say no to someone, even someone as horrendous and sleazy as a person that lied and said YOU were cheating just to get into her pants. This is a person no one should have wanted anything to do with, and your wife went to meet him.

You've done all you could do. You are a very good man. What happens now is up to you, and whatever that is, there is a world of support here for you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say I've been following your story for awhile now and just wanted to say that you sound like a smart guy with the greatest intentions. You will figure out what will suite your life best. As much as anyone of us can try to explain, no one knows exactly what happens in our lives and hearts. You are a great man who was dealt a lousy hand, but it doesn't mean these are the cards you have to play. If that makes any sense. Being betrayed is extremely difficult and painful and you are no coward or sissy or weak if you cry. You are human and you have emotions and you were hurt. You are still very courageous and strong. Probably more then you think


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading your situation for two months - first time responder (you're in really good hands here)

Taking time for you is smart. A lot of change coming for you no matter what you decide.

A few key points to review:
1. OM is sick. Seriously sick. He has never been your friend and more than your wife, from the time you were young, that sickness has sought to hurt you.
2. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, he is a danger to you. He won't be satisfied to destroy your marriage. He will want to destroy you, your children, your wife. This is personal and for whatever reason he's broken, this isn't his last assault on you. Shields up!
3. Your wife will have to press every single charge she can at him - ignoring him won't make him go away or stop. And being passive in any way shape or form eggs him on. Hopefully her therapist will help her realize what a sick beast he is and how dangerous he is to everything she might care about. She has to notify the court about his violation of the protective order, and every attempt to harass her.

A few things you can watch for along the way - as you have plenty of time to go through this divorce process:
1. Study up on the signs of a true-to-the-core change of heart. You've been deceived before - and so has she. I'm guessing she thought she was remorseful. Obviously she's still broken.
2. Enforce your financial and emotional protections. Does she respect you enough to do the hard work without reassurance that anything will bring you back to her? If all she wants is to do enough to get things back to where they were, she will never do that hard work on herself. And she needs to for at least her children's sake and her own, regardless of if you eventually take her back or move on.
3. What lengths will she go to in order to truly banish OM from her life? And her selfishness? Will she start volunteering for a worthy cause that keeps her away from alone-time with men?
4. Are there shadows of blame or excuses, exaggerated self-loathing, or is there resolve to never go back to that bored, spoiled place in her life?

The best thing I did when I "just found out" six months after the first major betrayal was to be DONE. But I had all the time in the world to make sure I did the divorce to my advantage. I consulted with an attorney after the first betrayal like you did. The second betrayal called forth a demand from me to invest in the marriage with his own sweat cause I was done and I made no promises I'd even consider taking him back. I left it all on him.

Just remember - OM isn't done with you. Consult with your legal team because this isn't over for him, even if the marriage is for you.

[This message edited by k8la at 9:50 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 168 | Registered: Feb 2013
coldshot
♂ New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,
Another voice of support. I too have followed your story from the beginning. Respect and strength to you brother.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see she's been reading his threads and posting in the waywards section as SoSorry17

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jun 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to ask myself if I would have been able to forgive my ex had she shown remorse.

I have absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. Anyone who can genuinely forgive and rebuild a relationship is probably a far better husband than I'll ever be.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe she did that. I am very sorry SWAT.

I am also in the DC area but in NW. I hear everything is going on down town. I may take a walk over there myself and check it all out. Thank you for serving and protecting.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 644 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tren...

Members are aware of who she is on here but as flagged on this thread earlier, this thread is not about her, it's about SWAT so please stop trying to create battle camps.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198861 | Registered: May 2002
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat

Sorry to read about this new situation but frankly I am not surprised.

There will be hiccups like this along any path you take Swat.

Believe it!

I am glad that you went to DC for some peace and solidarity with your fellow LEO's.

Great move. For you.

So you served her. You have made it clear that the lies hurt the worst and you will no longer tolerate them.

Good for you!

Many times along the road to Reconciliation the Battered Spouse has to be firm, strong and lead from the front.

You are doing this now.

All I will say is continue to show your wife what you expect from her.

That you will no longer tolerate her behavior and lies.

Just maybe she will truly wakeup and realize her selfishness is destroying not only her marriage and family but her husband.......

Be strong Swat. Any road you choose out of this mess will lead you to a better place.

Maybe your wife will get smart, get honest and decide to follow your example and follow you....

Home.

HM


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really wasn't trying to create anything, just thought I'd point it out. Thanks for the notification though.

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jun 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far today has been pretty good. Again enjoying the sights and spending way to much money. Last night was kind of rough. BIL again got my kids so I could face time with them. My middle boy wants me home and started crying a little. I made sure they knew I would be home soon. The text messages from everyone at home has kind of died down. In laws have only asked how I'm doing. WW hasn't stopped but at least they are only every few hours. I did cave and tell her that I had heard she joined SI. I told her I was happy for her and hopefully they could help her like you all have helped me. I told her I wouldn't read her posts so she could feel free to say what ever she wanted. I told her I knew she also read my posts and asked for the same courtesy. It was a long ass text message. I told her we had a lot to discuss when I got home but I wasn't going to get in a debate now. I told her to not reply hit send and power down my old phone.

I checked a while ago and her only reply was "Alright. I will do what ever you ask. But please at least message me now and then so I know your alright." I said I'm fine and I can let her know. Right or wrong? I'm not sure but I felt she at least needed the peace of mind that I'm alive and well.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SWAT. You sound like you're doing really well.


I understand that you said you wouldn't read her posts. We have many couples on SI and each of them have their own "rules" about the other's posts.

I would like to suggest,however, before you make any decisions..to R...to D...to hysterically bond when you get home..etc...that you read her posts. I am respecting your choice, so I can not say why I think you need to read her post before making any decisions....just know, that this seasoned SI member is *strongly* recommending you look...before you leap.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I checked a while ago and her only reply was "Alright. I will do what ever you ask. But please at least message me now and then so I know your alright." I said I'm fine and I can let her know. Right or wrong? I'm not sure but I felt she at least needed the peace of mind that I'm alive and well.

So, even though you requested she stop texting, she is still texting. In other words, it's still all about her and what she wants and to hell with what you need. She doesn't need texts from you to make sure you are ok. You are in contact with others, your bil, your kids, etc....there is enough contact already. This is about her controlling you my dear.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13840 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, glad you're having a good time and getting away from it all for a little while. My father is LEO and I'm going to tell him to go to DC and enjoy the celebration next year. It sounds like he would really enjoy it.

I agree with confused. I understand you said you wouldn't but I also think it is something worth reading in order to understand your WW's mindset. Maybe this week in DC is not the time but it may be an eye opener when you are able to read them.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep doing your thing this week SWAT. I know that one of the most difficult things to deal with is the kids. Know that no matter what the outcome they will be ok. From one dad to another, I Know when I travel I have a hard time being away from the kids regardless of what's going on. Hope you are still having a good time and able to continue to soak it all in. Eh, worry about the $ later. You need this week. Your buddies that came down still there with you?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lieshurt...I would tend to agree with you. But we have never really been apart for long periods of time and never under the stress we are under now. I get she is selfish and disrespectful. I also love her and that is the hardest part. While I KNOW having NC is best, I actually check all the time to see if she is sending messages and is alright. I am trying though.

yearsofpain...yep they are still here. The candlelight vigil is later today. They all are staying until at least Thursday. One couple wants to stay and see the baseball game. I'm planning of staying and leaving Saturday morning sometime.

To everyone else (since I'm getting old and can't always remember you all, and there are so many of you) thank you for your support and comments. I'm not the most tech savvy guy you will meet so don't hold it against me. I'm not the only one hurting in this mess. I know WW and I have a lot of problems to work through. I admit I'm right on the edge of just tossing in the towel and walking away. As you all have pointed out numerous times reconciliation is hard and likely the hardest thing anyone has ever done. I know I said I was done and I still maybe. There is so much pain, sadness and anger going through me and it is constantly changing.

I'm not sure if my wife is reading this or not. I have asked her not to, but I can't be sure at this point. But I am sure some waywards are reading since they have sent me some PM's. Please support her as I have been supported here. If any of you BS's talk with her, don't beat her up. She deserves some criticism and advice. Not names and contempt. Please don't be angry with me but she is my wife and I love her. I don't want to be a source of pain for her.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, even though you requested she stop texting, she is still texting. In other words, it's still all about her and what she wants and to hell with what you need. She doesn't need texts from you to make sure you are ok. You are in contact with others, your bil, your kids, etc....there is enough contact already. This is about her controlling you my dear.

Quoted because it is spot on. You told her what you needed (no response), she did what SHE needed (responded).

I'm sorry. Be very very very careful of her.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't leave your kids with her. I've heard it's harder to prove YOU are the person best to raise them if you leave them with her!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2325 | Registered: Jan 2012
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