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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, everyone is different. I've read your thread and definitely think you have made the most of your 'just found out' time. We all handle everything in our own way, some here were curled up in a fetal position for the first week or so ... yet some of us were angry and determined to bring a quick resolve after finding out. Some, like myself, choose to D immediately and to move forward. When I collected all my evidence and confirmed it all with a PI following EXH and the OW, I was ready to let go of my marriage because he'd done something which was unforgiveable to me. It could not be fixed even though it was his first and only A.

You have to decide for yourself if you can forgive her and go on. I do not read in Wayward so I don't know what she is posting but have always felt this is a generous site for having a place for the wayward to post.

You sound like a very intelligent man and a loving H and Dad. You will decide if you can forgive and go forward. Whatever you decide, the wonderful people here will stand behind you.

Good luck.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 1007 | Registered: Feb 2005
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

Are you anywhere near the Potomac? If so, there are some really once jogging trails along the water, and also along the canals near the Potomac. Ask around; people are friendly and will point you in the right direction. Also, running along the water to Roosevelt Island is a nice loop, depending on where you start.

wrt your situation: I wouldn't make any decisions for while. Why should you? You've been in shock for awhile now, and it's very hard to think clearly under those circumstances.

Also, every WS is different, and many times after reading on SI, I would feel terrible. My WS just wasn't following the program: he didn't "get it" right away, and instead, was defensive and angry for a long time. He also made some very bone-headed decisions that made our situation much worse post-DDay. I came very close to leaving him.

But then he was diagnosed with a personality disorder (vulnerable NPD), which explains a lot of his behavior. Doesn't make it easier, but certainly puts it in perspective. Given his personality disorder, it's rather amazing he's come as far as he has, which is substantially less far than many WS I see on SI.

Sorry for the slight tangent, but my point is this: not every WS follows the same path, and it doesn't mean you can't successfully reconcile if that is the path you ultimately decide. Also to reiterate advice I was given many times this early after DDay: you've had a traumatic experience, and it's unlikely you're thinking clearly. There is no real reason to make a life altering decision under those circumstances - no reason why it can't sit for six months or whatever you and your IC decide is best.

Good luck and do continue enjoying our lovely city.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; DD3 6/30/13
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC area
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also to reiterate advice I was given many times this early after DDay: you've had a traumatic experience, and it's unlikely you're thinking clearly. There is no real reason to make a life altering decision under those circumstances - no reason why it can't sit for six months or whatever you and your IC decide is best.

Very wise words Swat. Listen to them.

Enjoy the rest of the week. Heal a little.

Let your wife work on her issues. Her selfishness and need for external validation are her issues to deal with on her own.

Take all the time you need to heal and make a decision that is best for you.

Keep us posted and I look forward to hearing about all the hugs your kids give you when you get home.

HM


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The candle light vigil was awesome. Thousands of cops and family members. Cops for all over. I saw RCMP and English bobbies. There was a real nice display and speech. To see all of the candles and people. Was very moving and I cried like a baby.

Went to a place named Kelly's and do they throw a nice party. Raised a glass to the 114 new names being added this year.

In regards to my wife and her posting here. I won't be reading them. She deserves help from people that can help her just as much as I do. I'm upset and angry with her now but if she can get the help she needs here. I'm all for it.

Just wanted to touch base. So good night all and I'll be back tommorrow.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In regards to my wife and her posting here. I won't be reading them

For now, that's a good thing. Focus on you. Get to a good place.

No contact means no new hurts. Right now, focus on dealing with the load you are carrying.

But first, enjoy where you are at and who you are with.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
dead_inside
♀ Member
Member # 3438
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I'm 10 yrs out from infidelity, my husband cheated on me, then married the OW (his secretary). They lasted 5 yrs and hate each other and he's working on M #3. We have one child, he's off to college and I couldn't have asked to have a better kid, we've all thrived. I can't really speak for ex on that part, but my son and I have IMO. I've met and planning to marry a wonderful man, which I never planned to do.

There is life after this, and despite all the advice you get, the answer on what you do will come from inside you. The minute I found out my first thought was that I didn't think I could get past the cheating. For my son, I did MC. One year later, I filed.

I believe that when the time is right, you're going to know what to do, it will be the right decision for all of you. Godspeed. I've admired how you've handled all this.

[This message edited by dead_inside at 3:22 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: FORMER BW
Him: WXH


Posts: 756 | Registered: Feb 2004
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SWAT,

Glad to see you are continuing to take a break and unwind. It never really leaves your conscious thought though, does it? Maddening sometimes.

I'm a visual/tactile kind of person. If I were you (which I'm not), I would make a pro/con list relating to R with your WW. Then further divide that list into two lists: one facts and one emotions. Then I would haul all those to your IC and get some feedback.

Just sayin.

Kids first.
SWAT.
WW.

In that order.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Alright. I will do what ever you ask. But please at least message me now and then so I know your alright." I said I'm fine and I can let her know. Right or wrong?

My take after following your story, and my experience:

She is still not ready. As others have said, it's still about her. Redrock (pg 13) is on the money.
I can see your WW words coming out of my WW mouth. I truly believe it is a compulsion. She not only had to text OM, she had to meet with him because she is still trying to control both of you. She would take such a risk, with as much to lose, because being center of attention is more important at any costs. Creating a even bigger soap opera is of no consequence if it keeps her in the middle of it.

Control by the means she has learned over the years, and it has worked, the OM by his lust, and you by your devotion.
I would caution you to always be on guard for the subtle manipulations of this type of behavior. It is not a conscious act but a reflex learned over many years.
In my wife, I can see it in her eyes. It's look of desperation on her face trying to stay the center of attention. Kinda hard to explain, but once I figured it out, I realized how many times I had seen that look before.

Go slow my friend, tear it all down and build back carefully and deliberately.
You are the only one that can decide if it's worth the time, reward, and risk.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twisted. You just opened my eyes in my own situation. Thank you for that post.
My WH is that person also. Always needs to be the center of attention and very deceiving and manipulating.
Swat. I wanted to also bring something to your attention. It is your decision should you choose to move forward with your WW. Keep in mind there are going to be very emotional days that take you back often. Which can wear on you. Will you be able to trust and believe her completely? Will she still manipulate you? It may be possible but before making a decision, make sure she is getting the help through IC that she needs. And know honestly in your heart that she is cured.
There are alot of similarities in our WSs. The only difference is my WH had cheating w many OW or entire marriage of 17 years. His last EA/PA was last year Feb to April. That's when I found out he was not the faithful trusting man i thought he was Yours cheated w 1. However there seems to be something that pulls her from you in this OM. Enough to pull her from you.
If you decide to R w her, we support you and will continue to in the future should you need it, but think about it before your decision. Give it time. If you run back now she will know that she's gotten you back to easy and her cycle will not stop.
I really hope things work out well for you and your happy in your decision.

[This message edited by needadvise at 10:14 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another good day, so far. I've seen some really cool things so far this week. Tommorrow is the memorial ceremony. I'm thinking of heading back on Friday. I miss seeing my kids and it is supposed to rain anyway.

I'm actually kind of nervous about returning home. What is going to happen? How is my wife going to act? There was no real conversation after I saw her at the bar. My BIL was acting weird to and I'm afraid of what he has to say. I have faith in the knowledge that I will be alright but at the same time I am afraid that my marriage and family I always wanted is over and done with.

I am thinking of the conversation I'm going to have with WW. I'm thinking of getting my own place, maybe. I feel that I have to keep some distance from my wife. Not sure why exactly but I just have a need to be alone to lick my wounds. My coworkers are leaving tommorrow evening and I've even thought of leaving with them. Just some of the thoughts bouncing around my head today. It's kind of a mess up there right now.


Also I still have another week off of work. I'm just not sure what I should do with it.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I still have another week off of work. I'm just not sure what I should do with it.

That might be a good thing. It gives you time to talk to your WW and her BIL and work out what you want to do moving forward. Plus, extra time to spend with your kids. They need that time with you right now. They're hurting too.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really hard truth time. You are absolutely right, the marriage and family that you always wanted is gone. No matter what direction you pick from here, R Or D, your life has been irrevocably altered. I am so very sorry you had to join this club.

Read all of the various forums. Look into the positive reconciliation stories. Read in new beginnings about people who have divorced. Check out the wayward section to see what a truly remorseful spouse looks like. Don't read yourWW's postings just yet

If you truly feel uncomfortable with her, maybe she could go stay with her family when you get back so you can have time with the kids. Take your time. None of this is easy. The biggest concern you will have is making the right decision for yourself.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you truly feel uncomfortable with her, maybe she could go stay with her family when you get back so you can have time with the kids.

This is a really good idea. If things aren't going how you want them to with your WW when you return home, definitely ask if she would stay with family for a few days and give you some alone time with your kids. If that's not doable, even an afternoon/evening out is something you should push for. This is your time to focus on yourself and your children. She will need to respect that.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting your own place is kind of a mixed bag, but generally I have not seen it work too well in a lot of cases of couples trying to R on here.

I myself had the exact same thought process as you after DDay. I had rented an apartment and was ready to begin moving out, but I hadn't told my DD yet.

I sat down to tell her, but I couldn't do it. As much as I was hurting I could not stomach the thought of making her even a little sad. I did not have the best childhood growing up and back then I always told myself it was going to be different when I was the Daddy. Daddy's are the rocks their children can rely on. Granted I was naive back then and did not understand the adult world all that well. That being said, even the thought of saying it broke me in two.

I chickened out and told my W that I was staying provided certain requirements and boundaries were met. She slept in the guest room for awhile and blamed it on my snoring for the benefit of the children. Most of my requirements were based on things I needed (emotionally and physically). Boundaries kept my feeling somewhat safe from another bombshell. Breaking boundaries would result in me moving to my new (empty) apartment.

You could say I stayed for the kids back then, but it is not why I stay now. People can change. My kids (we had had another during the three year period of lies) are doing great today and I know a lot of that came down to that one moment where I remembered a promise I had made to myself earlier in life. I guess you can say that I really stayed for me.

It is your call on how you are doing. If the thoughts and bad feelings are getting in the way of your enjoyment all the time (versus almost all the time) it may be time to come home and talk to your W. Let the kids have some time with the relatives and let you and your W break that first uncomfortable moment. It easier the more often you do it. Being able to let out one or two of those mental demons might with your W present may help you get one goods nights sleep.

Just talking doesn't mean you are committing either way. You will have to see her again at some point, but only you know if you are ready for that or not.

Think of it like this, you can decide you are done at any time. That will never change for the rest of your life. Keep your options open, but protect yourself.

If I could talk to myself On Dday I would tell myself to give my W a chance, don't worry about what I "should," or "should not," be doing. Just go with what feels right at the time (for the right reasons). I would also say it does get better and even good again.

BIL is a tough one. My advice and because I told no one I am kind of biased take it as it appears, keep this between your W and you as much as you can. He can support either of you, but if you do decide to D . . well he can't really D his sister.

No one else get a say in your M from here on out. That is what brought this hell into your life, This is between the two of you (maybe IC or MC). Anybody else' is just getting in the way. Demand that your W do the same.

Just some things to roll around in the old melon.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 12:43 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am thinking of the conversation I'm going to have with WW. I'm thinking of getting my own place, maybe. I feel that I have to keep some distance from my wife. Not sure why exactly but I just have a need to be alone to lick my wounds. My coworkers are leaving tommorrow evening and I've even thought of leaving with them.

I like the idea of WW going to stay elsewhere for a few days upon your return. However, if you've been in the company of others since your arrival in D.C., I suggest you keep your original flight for Sunday. Buy a $1 spiral bound notebook and go sit with your thoughts for a few days. Write down your wants. Your needs. Your expectations for marriage. Your dealbreakers. Her consequences for betrayal. Your requirements for Reconciliation.

If you don't know where you're going ... how will you know when you've arrived?

I know you're in pain now. But it's time to get a few things straight in your head (your heart is a different matter) BEFORE you fly home.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

Some years ago my wife and I had some serious issues in our marriage that seemed to shove us more and more towards divorce. We started talking about D and tried to have several “grown up” conversations on how to divide the assets, custody, and the cars and so on. But we both felt that it really wasn’t what we wanted. We decided to put D to the side and visit it in a couple of months.
Sometimes it feels like being in a tide or river that just pulls you along and the more you allow it the harder it gets to break out of it. Eventually you get carried along irrespective of what you want.

We got one piece of advice from a friend that really worked for us:
We started to take long, long walks together.
Basically we would walk and the kids either walked or cycled with us. The ONLY rule was that we did not talk relationship. In fact – for the first walks we didn’t talk. But we were together with the kids for 40-90 minutes more or less every day. Sometimes it was only us, sometimes the kids.
Eventually we learned to be together and talk together about all sorts of things other than our problems. Simple conversations like how ugly the neighbour’s paint-job was, enjoying conversations with our kids, talking about work, events over the day… For us it created an intimacy and opened communications to a point where we could eventually sit down and deal with our issues.

I’m suggesting this because no matter how this goes you need to co-parent.
Your kids are going through a lot right now and they KNOW something is up. It’s not been long since you were at deaths door and now they are experiencing the tension at home from your WW affair. I think you and WW spending this time together with them will be healing for all.
Irrespective of whether you reconcile or not.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - you're not a fool. she is. (((SWAT)))


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
alback
♂ New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, sorry to read about your situation. You certainly are getting a great deal of response, and mixed advice.

You now know your wife isn't the person you thought you had married. As others are saying pay careful attention to what she is doing. Listen to what she has to say, but know that she hasn't learned to be absolutely truthful to you.

Your marriage will never be the same, you cannot un-ring the bell that has tolled. You may still find it within yourself to reconcile, or leave the choice is yours. The decision can take place whenever you want it to, you are now in control.

Like many of us, there will be almost never be a day that you will not think of the betrayal, the lies, the deception and the hurt. Time heals but it will be a very long time.

My suggestion is to go home to your kids, spend time with them. They will help you lose some of that pain, they also need you close to them. Focus on you and them. I don't believe you have to kick your wife out to be with your kids. Share them, work together with them, they are the children of your marriage.

Your wife needs to prove to you that she really is in the marriage. Professional help is needed, she is 100% responsible for her decision, not you and not the OM. He manipulated her, but she was the willing affair partner.

I wish you luck, and hope your decision to remain or divorce works out well for you and your kids. Spend quality time with them.



Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking a break and drinking a beer. I'm going to meet my friends in about an hour. I'm struggling at the moment and actually checked in on the wayward side. Saw my wife's thread, aptly titles I might add. Four pages with the stop sign. I'm not sure how much she has posted but I will admit I was tempted to check it out. I managed to get back here though without reading. I told her I wouldn't and I meant it. But damn its hard since it is just a click away. I can understand how easy it was for her to read my posts.

I contacted the airline and got a refund on my ticket. I plan on renting a car and driving home. Take the scenic route and just check out some things on the way home. I also talked to MIL and asked if it would be possible for my wife to stay with them for awhile. She of course said yes and asked what I planned to do. I'm not sure and told her that. I could tell she was crying and I heard the my boys yelling in the background. I talked to them for a while. Apparantly WW had an appointment with IC today. MIL was great though and didn't push me at all. She knows how to listen and is doing what I asked. I did tell her she could tell WW that I called and was fine. I'm not sure if my wife is following advise or is just pouting but she hasn't sent me a text or email yet today.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Emptyshelldad
♂ Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your mother in law sounds great. My mil immediately sided with her daughter in almost very way. She has never said , that her daughter was right, but immediately began justifying her behavior and looked for ways to blame me somehow. NAND now she just pushes for me to move on.

It's this type of parenting that raised her daughter into the woman who could do what she did.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
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