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Newest Member: jdgrief (45719)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you....I am so glad you are getting the break you need.

Just a chance to be you. Without some responsibility right now and some peace.

There is nothing wrong with still loving your wife and wanting the dream. It can become a reality, but it will be a lot of hard work. If separation is what you need to heal, then go for it.

Even if you are afraid that being separated will make your wife weaker. She needs to get stronger for herself and stand on her own two feet without someone having to hold her up. IMHO, the sooner she can be alone and be happy with just herself, the sooner she can offer a safe relationship. She seems to have a real fear of being alone. Perhaps some abandonment issues in her past? Not, that any of that excuses her actions. But, it may make it easier for you to understand them. Perhaps help you get past the pain and see that she is just a broken human being.

Glad to hear she is going to IC. That must take a load off your mind in terms of the children getting the mother they deserve and need.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I plan on renting a car and driving home. Take the scenic route and just check out some things on the way home.

I did this. It helped me a lot. Just make sure you don't drift off in thought too much and forget you're driving. Also, don't forget to enjoy the dives and dine-ins on the way.

Take your time on the travel and take it all in.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I plan on renting a car and driving home. Take the scenic route and just check out some things on the way home.

That sounds like a great idea.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I've been following since your first thread. Never posted, because everyone here is so awesome, I couldn't have offered any MORE good advice, for sure!
Just wanted you to know you are doing awesome! It's wonderful that you have taken this trip, and some time for yourself.
Having WW stay with her parents for a bit is great! It'll give you space, and time to figure out what you'll want to do.
I don't agree with many of the posts that are so down on your WW, but that's just me. I do think she's still in serious wayward mode, and she has a LOT of work to do. (I did read a couple of her posts). However, I think I can understand her thought processes, as twisted as they may be. I'm amazed at your compassion toward her. Kudos to you, as it shows that you are truly a good man.
Whatever you decide, know that you have support here! Enjoy the rest of your time in DC!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT

Glad your MIL is listening.

A long drive will do you good. Take the time to search your soul.

Your wife needs to do the same. Why not suggest that to her.

And a little time apart might be a good thing.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder....

Drive safe!

HM


Posts: 966 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, You're doing so many things "right". Keep it up. I'm so glad you have supportive ILs. My MIL has been a huge source of comfort and support to me. That support really is huge and it's wonderful that they want their DD to own her $hit.

I think the long scenic drive home is a fantastic idea. You need some time to think. I also like the idea above to get out a notebook and start listing out some of your needs and requirements.

I hope you take time next week to spend quality time with your kids. They need to feel your unconditional love. You have no idea what they might be feeling or thinking right now. They need reassurance that, no matter what happens, you and your W will always love them and take care of them. Kids are inherently self-centered and will worry most about what will happen to them. They need to feel secure and loved. Figure out how to be honest with them in an age-appropriate way... even if it is just to tell them that you need some time to work through some troubles. Just talk to them and listen to them.

Then, take care of you. You've got a long tough road ahead of you, no matter which path you choose. Be good to yourself. Make yourself and your healing a priority. Sending you my best wishes for strength and clarity!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 737 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Om is escalating again. Im sorry about what happened at your house last night,SWAT. I also can't help but feel he wouldn't have shown up had your WW stayed NC and told you every time he contacted her since the PO. But, regardless, he sounds dangerous. Other that the PO, is there anything that can be done to keep him away? He violated the PO last night...is he in jail today?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
soulshattered
♂ New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, just checking in to see how things are going. Glad to hear that the trip to DC was worth the time - memorials like that are real eye-openers for sure. I just wanted to say that earlier on you stated that you wished you could do for others whet the supporters on here have done for you - well, hear this: I am currently dealing with my own version of hell and after following your story I have gained a great deal of insight about the way I'm going to deal with some of our issues and I owe that to you - so you have paid it forward. Stay safe and enjoy the solitude and peacefulness of the drive home. Clear your head, steady your resolve and prepare to face issues the way you always have, with honour and integrity. Godspeed and be safe.


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 48 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
Confused615

Not a mod so if I’m overstepping then I hope they will chime in and slap my fingers…

I STRONGLY suggest you don’t take news from SoSorry17 thread and post on SWAT’s thread…
Both parties have expressed a wish to keep their threads separate and have decided to not read each others posts and offered advice. I think cross referring isn’t beneficial for them.

End of T/J


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused. When I first saw your post. I was confused. I had not checked my messages yet. When I read them I called WW. I had to make sure everyone was alright. She is scared but said everyone was fine and the in laws where with her. I asked to talk to FIL. He is furious and I am a little concerned. He has a heart condition and I don't want him getting sick. He said the pos OM was all over the yard and had torn up the lawn and scared WW and the kids. I think OM was in serious danger of being hurt by him. Apparently he was drunk of his ass and was claiming WW invited him. I'm not buying that just yet. My wife cheated and lied to me but I don't think she would do that to the kids. At least the woman I thought I knew wouldn't have done that.

I called the station and talked with shift supervisor. OM is being held until he can see a judge. I asked the supervisor if he could make sure the judge knows about the other issues we have had with OM and he said he would. I have to wait a couple of hours but I am also going to call the DA's office and try to talk with whoever is going to prosecute the case. OM has a pending violation of the PO and I don't want them to plea them out. He needs his ass kicked.

After calling work I called WW and talked to her briefly. We agreed that for everyone involved it maybe best if she stayed at her parents a while. I told her that I would be coming home soon but didn't tell her when. Only because I'm not sure when I will get there.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also tend not to think she would invite him over wjth the kids there, but until it can be verified one way the other , I wouldn't believe anything. When you talk to these people about the PO, what's going to happen when the OM shows proof that she did not report their contact and that they physically met up at a bar ?

after I caught my ex, she could have said the sky is blue and I would not have trusted her.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 7:03 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
evephoebe1
♀ Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Swat)))

I haven't been to SI in a couple of weeks, so hadn't read this thread 'til now.

Hang in there. Sending thoughts of support.


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger...you're right. I wrongly assumed that he had been informed of last night's events. It never occurred to me that he hadn't been told. I'm so sorry I overstepped.

SWAT...MODS...I Apologize.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused. No need to apologize.

whip. There is no problem with the PO. It is valid even if she initiated contact and the judge explains that when issuing the order. When the order is issued it is very specific. The protected party can not get in trouble for making contact only the party the order was issued against. For example a judge issues a no contact order against a bf. The gf invites him back and they are getting along for a couple of days. An argument ensues and the police get called. BF still gets arrested because the order is against him not her. There is no punishment for gf.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Bigger.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT please take care of yourself and don't drive like hell to get home (I may be projecting there a bit as that's what I would do, but please don't). Sounds like there is a good support system with your in-laws and things are being taken care of.

I will be thinking of you and your family today. That includes your wife.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2350 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aha that makes sense, SWAT. It's good that this is being pursued. His presence near the children is a huge problem.

As for your wife, i still encourage you not to believe that she didn't have contact with him. It's possible she did not and he showed up drunk on his own, but you cannot take her word for it at this point. I am glad that both she and the kids are okay. And your FIL.

Please travel safely


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this may sound strange as I'm no where near my family right now. But I've known FIL for almost 30 years and I've never heard him so angry and I heard the fear in WW voice as well. My gut tells me she is telling the truth on this one. The supervisor said OM drove his car through my yard and tore everything up and there was more than one 911 call from the neighbors.

I'm almost hesitant to just drive home. I had decided to leave tommorrow but now I'm not sure. I want to be there to protect my family but what good can I do now. He is in jail and he is going to see the same judge that arraigned him before and is the issuing judge for the PO. He isn't going to be happy and will likely set very high bail. This obviously isn't WW making it up. I asked my FIL to check WW email and cell phone and he said there was nothing there. I know he is her father but he has always been there for me and I trust him. Only time will tell if I'm being played for a fool or not.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you saw the fear your wife had when he confronted her in the park. As you learned later, there was contact between the two and she later met him. I understand what you mean, but I would not place a lot of faith in your wife's demeanor right now. She played that card already and you know what happened. Gut feelings are usually good, but I just don't think you can take her word for.anything right now without evidence.

I would go home now, SWAT. the immediate threat the OM poses is resolved, but your children (and wife) would rather have you home, and it'd be good for them. And you, I think.


Unfortunately this incident has changed the dynamic of your time away. I don't think it would be a setback for you if you returned.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 8:04 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, you might want to think about getting on home. The drive sounded like a great idea for you, but the situation has changed. Right now its about more than just you and your wife, this has brought visceral trauma to the kids and the extended family. Brother, I think they need you at home. And when you see how reassured they are that you are with them, you will be glad you got there.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
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