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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to go in a different direction than the last 2 posters.

I would believe her on this one too SWAT. The OM is officially a "bunny boiler" and there is a reason he is in jail right now. If there is nothing for you to rush back to, then take your time. You still have all of next week to get situated right? Do what you think is best right now. Maybe take some more time to yourself and let the situation calm down some more before you get home. You have already had more than your fair share of drama and another day (not even another day, just not going home early). I wouldn't blame you for wanting to let it calm down a bit, especially since there is nothing you can do. I would be abpt to take the day and think about what sort of plans you might want to make for next week. Maybe think about something you could do with this kids like taking them somewhere where you could enjoy their company next week. What does your head say?

The sitch between you and your wife is not going anywhere. You have so much advice here in this thread there is probably no way you could absorb it all on what to do. Now that you've had some time to take in D.C, maybe use the rest of your time to start to process some short term goals for yourself.

Just a thought anyway.

There is a lot of beautiful county between you and your next of the woods. BTW...I'm from Western NY originally and I know "God's County" around where you are from. There is plenty to see close to your area as well where you would be close by.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:18 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hit submit message and kicked myself. Of course I'm going home that is a given. I'm just not sure how I'm gonna do it. Today is the actual memorial service and the airport is going to be absolutely crazy. I already called to see if I could rent a car. First ten places had none. The desk clerk is calling around for me as well. I'm hoping my friends have room for me but they aren't leaving until after the service. It's about a 10-12 hour drive.

This is not what I needed today. It really sucks because there isn't anything I can do right this second and that is tough for me to handle right now.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my FIL to check WW email and cell phone and he said there was nothing there.

Does that mean she couldn't have clear her phone history or specific call? I'm not sure what type of cell phone she has, but I know on a handful you can delete specific phone calls from the history. I'm NOT saying to believe her or not believe her, but to GET PROOF to VERIFY her words. Check the cell phone account online and look at the call history. Right now PHYSICAL PROOF will help a lot with calming your mind and rebuilding trust. This trust is irrelevant on if you R or D, because you will still have contact with each other no matter what choice is made.

I want to be there to protect my family but what good can I do now.

You can be there for your kids.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in DC. Some options if you can switch back to flying--check flights out of BWI. You hotel can easily get you a car service to get you there. Bypasses the big backup at Reagan National. You can get a car service to Dulles, too, in a pinch.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The family is about as safe as it can be with OM on the inside looking out.

Make sure the prosecutor knows why you are away.so the judge doesn't think you are on a turkey hunting trip or something semi-selfish and that the nature of your trip made it likely that others in the department would know you were gone. Inadvertent tip to OM? Otherwise he could have been taking a 40 cal shower that night permanently solving his issues.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not relax and hang out for another day, SWAT70? A car may come available tomorrow. You are on no schedule. Have you visited all the Smithsonian's? Have you ever been to Williamsburg?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thought. Have all his firearms been surrendered? Here that is a common bail condition if the prosecutor asks. Make sure they ask. He's escalating and very out of control.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be leaving with my friends. They said we can leave right after the memorial and take turns driving. At "cop speed" should be home around nine tonight.

I'm pretty sure OM only had his department issued weapon, which he had to return. I don't ever remember him having any other firearms but that is something the judge would have asked for when the order was originally issued.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a safe trip home. I hope things will not be too difficult for you when you get there.
Your family needs you. Just don't let your guard down with the WW just yet. Give it alot of time and thought. Also time for her to fix herself if she's willing to be completely healed as a new person.
You know we are always here for you:)


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat - I have read this thread - and this situation sucks. You already know what you need to do - go home. I think you said you have the next week off - I think it makes all the sense in the world for you to stay with your kids and have your wife stay elsewhere. It is really important you re-assure your kids that you aren't going anywhere.

I know you already know this.

I feel for you.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do what you feel is best, but I am going to encourage you to have a plan of action here.

You are protective of your wife and family and all of those feelings and patterns that have not always served you well--- will be tingling at your nerve endings. "protect, protect, protect".


You have to decide how you will handle this crisis. However, this crisis cannot be the distraction to NOT make decisions and you end up back in the house due to the situation(insert any other need here(the kids fears, your FIL health etc..), w/o the hard conversations or decisions being slogged through.

I am not trying to divert the serious issue at hand. But all the fear and discomfort is gone when you get to do what you are good at and do well. What you know how to do. It is so comfortable to slip those shoes on.. isn't it?

In the midst of all of this you also have to do what is uncomfortable. Make decisions and set boundaries. How ready are you to do that? How ready are you to outline what you want and need? When all of the sudden you don't have to deal with that because of the bigger picture needs of your family?

It is all hard. But it is especially going to be hard to set and enforce boundaries with your wife and your in laws. And that is something you have time to think about and plan for on the way home. Will you be able to follow through with those decisions? Something to consider...

IMO the OM may have lost his shit because your wife finally did go NC.

I so sorry.

[This message edited by redrock at 9:04 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, no advice, you don't need any more of that. But I'm ho!ding the whole SWAT family in the *******LIGHT*******

You truly don't deserve all this drama.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,

I'm keeping you, your wife and family in my prayers.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5282 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being the contrarian that I am, I would hope you would consider your original plan of a relaxing drive and a long way home.
It seems the excitement is over with whatever happened, your guys on the force have got your back, the WW can stay with the kids at the in-laws. Running back to save the day is what she expects, whether she encouraged or not, it just seems like the same old response from her KISA right on cue.
OK, maybe I'm a cynical ass, but is this a watershed moment or not. Assuming she, and of course the kids, are in no danger, take some time to clear your mind for a while, instead of jumping right back into the soap opera. Have a beer, indulge in a little selfish behavior. You deserve it!
No matter how this ultimately works out ( or doesn't) she is not the only one that has to change. I have never thought as a BH any of my problems were my fault, but I had to change to get though it. A new attitude toward my marriage, a decision not to put up with what I had allowed, just to pacify her, to be not so easy going, to pay attention to my happiness and what I need out of life.
Take the time, brother. You'll find your way.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:33 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you've had enough negative stuff for a while. I'd like to remind you of something positive your wife did. She stopped the physical affair on her own. That's better than what most of us got. Most of us had to catch our spouse. And then we were told, "I was going to end it." Yeah right. You see, we always have to wonder if they were. In reality, none of us wonder. And then there are the ones who have spouses that continue having the affair after it's been found out. They are really in pain.

This may not be much consolation, and it all may be a dealbreaker for you. Only you can decide that. But from your own investigation, she stopped the affair on her own. She chose you. Granted, she seems to have a problem with lying. But I think she's beginning to see how big a problem that really is.

Hang in there friend.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I hope you have a safe trip home. Whatever happens between you, WW and OM is one thing. It's an entirely different ballgame when your children's lives get disrupted with his bunny boiler behavior. I has to stop. Hopefully the judge will see fit to lay down some serious consequences for him.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I‘m going to take a totally different tangent on this situation.

Remember – I’m an old dog here so I am entitled to bark and growl as I see appropriate!

In all that’s going on there is ONE stakeholder in this marriage that is probably experiencing the BIGGEST trauma, has the LEAST ability to cope and IMHO is being neglected…

YOUR CHILDREN!!!

Look – They KNOW something is going on. Add to that a maniac banging on their home, the signs in the yard, dad not home, mom crying, all the stuff that’s going on…

Your kids need reassurance. They need to feel safe. They can deal with the future but they need to know where they are now…

Look SWAT – I can fully get the trauma, shock and pain you are going through. Been there, got the T-shirt and all that. But you have sensible means to cope with it. You have already come a long way and you have had time to digest what’s going on.
If I could post in Wayward I would tell your WW something similar. She’s well aware of what’s been going on in the marriage, the possible consequences and all that.

But your kids… They don’t have any release. They only know home is burning…

If you divorce it will take time.
If you reconcile it will take time.

For now – focus on reassuring your kids that the sky isn’t falling on their heads.

I would suggest the following:
Get home in your own time. (Nah… that’s bullshit – get home NOW).
Ask your wife to sleep in a spare room if you need space for now (read on…)
Have a calm, amicable evening where it’s you, WW and the children. Grill hamburgers, make shakes and see their favorite Disney movie or whatever. Cuddle them in the sofa. Talk. Commute. Focus on the kids.

Take note of their behavior. It will either be one of semi-fear and they will act shy around you or the other extreme with hugging, sitting in your lap, talking, being around you…

Once things calm down (that might be a day or two) then you and WW sit down with them – either all together or individually – and simply tell them in an age-appropriate way that mom and dad are dealing with stuff and need time apart (if she’s moving out). Make great assurances that their family isn’t dead and that you both love them to bits.

Look SWAT – Right now I don’t give a horses ass who’s to blame, why she did it, what OM is doing and so on. Right now I feel for your kids.



"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with Mike on this one as I am reading your wife's post.

Please go home and handle this situation not matter what you choose. Your kids need you! And they are most likely horrified by what the crazy OM did.

As for your wife I truly think she is getting it.

As Mike said you do have a ww that has come here for help and is seeing that she has done. A ton of us don't ever get that and the A continues after we find out.

I support you both and hope you are one of the lucky ones. However, I completely understand your side the most, but I do see something awaken in your wife for her benefit.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to encourage you to have a plan of action here.
You are protective of your wife and family and all of those feelings and patterns that have not always served you well--- will be tingling at your nerve endings. "protect, protect, protect".


You have to decide how you will handle this crisis. However, this crisis cannot be the distraction to NOT make decisions and you end up back in the house due to the situation

I second this opinion. It even crossed my mind that will all that has transpired, you really can't put it past your WW to have manipulated OM, knowing his capability for jackassery, to do something to stimulate your protective instincts. Not to the level he acted perhaps, but maybe hoping he would threaten just her or something. Making her the damsel in distress and she could go running to your protective arms, and prove at the same time that OM was the biggest criminal in their A.

But I'm cynical.

She has created quite a bunch of hell for everyone. I'm so sorry. You did everything right after the first DDay, at least you can know that. They say forgiveness is a gift, and you not only offered her that gift, you offered up a gold platinum version of it and she betrayed you again. Stay strong Swat.

I can't help imagining how the wives she flung herself in tears in front of must think after hearing this latest development. Geez.

I want to say a word about kids. There is no doubt this is hard for them and they sense something, I'm not gonna lie. When my first BH was caught in his A, my oldest was 9. I know it was hell for them. My son, the sweetest boy in the world, gently and with tears rolling down his cheeks, begged me to give daddy one more chance. Wow I tear up just thinking of his face, pleading to keep the unity of his parents. And I did, I kept BH, I stayed. And Swat, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Take my story for what it's worth, but be prepared for similar moments. I had many more years of lies until I finally left, and BH worked on and learned very little due to my lack of consequences on him. Oh I went off, I got his family involved (my inlaws were also very supportive of me), I left for a week, I made him move to the basement for a few days. But I wasn't gone, and he didnt' ever really have to feel my gone-ness. Plus, he relied on my emotions being tugged by my children. He knew the kind of mother I was, that I wouldn't be able to stand them being hurt even if it meant I sacrificed myself.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But your kids… They don’t have any release. They only know home is burning…

If you divorce it will take time.
If you reconcile it will take time.

For now – focus on reassuring your kids that the sky isn’t falling on their heads.

I would suggest the following:
Get home in your own time. (Nah… that’s bullshit – get home NOW).
Ask your wife to sleep in a spare room if you need space for now (read on…)
Have a calm, amicable evening where it’s you, WW and the children. Grill hamburgers, make shakes and see their favorite Disney movie or whatever. Cuddle them in the sofa. Talk. Commute. Focus on the kids.

I think this mostly very wise advice, the kids are in the middle of this hell and are innocent and no doubt confused.

I just posted something to Swat about my own situation after DDAy with my children. I do not know if being around the WW and trying to act okay is wise. I base this belief on the upset children feel about this being based on confusion, and I think that can add confusion in the long run. Plus, right or wrong, Swat is in a very vulnerable place and may not be able to handle movie night with WW. I know I would never have been able to have a bbq and sit and watch movies with my ex WH at that time. I would have ended up in a fight or crying and the kids would have been even worse off than before.

Doing everything else you mentioned is perfect advice, maybe without WW though, might have to be that way. Even without contact with Swat and WW, all those other moves are still possible to console them. I guess Swat can decide.

Maybe they need to get into some counseling as well right now. This is going to be a long road, and with all that has transpired it might be wise to get some professional advice for the children.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
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