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Newest Member: IWantToSurvive (44222)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Bigger so much. Your kids need to know what's going on and that they are not some how to blame for this. Another poster mentioned how kids are self centered in that they worry about what's going to happen to them. Kids are also likely to blame themselves when things aren't going well between their parents even if it is in no way their fault. They need your presence and reassurance right now more than anyone else.

Whether WW is still lying or not, follow your gut. You know the situation better than we do. If things aren't adding up in the report, verify what you can and trust your instincts on the rest.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat-

There isn't any new advice to give you. You have already gotten the best.

Please re-read Bigger's last post. Spot on.

Even tho I am not in LE I had to smile at "cop speed" as I am known, around these parts, to not quite stay in the lines myself! (safe in town, but give me a open road!! )

Reassuring your children will no doubt be first, and foremost, on your mind. And that is the correct action. I hope you can somehow calm your WS without being in full KISA mode. Maybe with just words? No physical comfort? IDK if I am saying it right so please forgive me if I am not clear. I just think since you have always rescued her that she may assume you will clean up this nasty mess too. Yes, she knows she did wrong, but she may not have the ability to REALLY understand what position she has put your whole family in. JMHO.

Drive safe SWAT. He's behind bars so can't do much damage now.

I told H about this week in DC and told him I would love to go some time. He was also amazed, and agreed that it would be so cool to go there. So thank you for bringing to light something so meaningful that most of us every-day Joe's had no idea goes on.

Sending you my little bit of strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
knight
♂ Member
Member # 36859
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending peace and support. I admire your self control. I know the anger and hatred that must be building up inside. To not let that overcome you and be able to keep a clear head takes true inner strength.

Anger and hatred ultimately have been the hardest emotions for me to deal with. It's easy to put on the appearance that you don't want to rip out the OM's heart especially when he has violated your space/home but to be able to overcome those feelings and do the things that are best for you and your family show what you truly are made of. I hope that one day you will instead of anger and hatred will find indifference and peace. This is the struggle of every BS. I think you have acted admirably in a horrible situation. Thank you for your example of strength.

[This message edited by knight at 10:14 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


BH 40s
fWW (her) 40s
D-day Aug 2012
M 16
kids - 3 beautiful ones, DD22, DD14, DS10

Always be yourself, but always be your better self. - Karl G. Maeser
- - - - - - -
Dyslexic...please ignore my spelling.


Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Hell
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But your kids… They don’t have any release. They only know home is burning…

For now – focus on reassuring your kids that the sky isn’t falling on their heads.

Bigger I agree with you here.

However, how is playing happy family going to help if and when SWAT decides that they should go to the ILs? And or how much harder will that be for SWAT to do once he has 48 hours in role playing comfort with his WW and kids?

Edited to say that for all of your talk around the subject SWAT- it is my opinion that you want nothing more than to repair your home and marriage. How will you handle the return to normalcy without addressing the elephants in the room? How much will you grab on to that façade as much as your kids will?

How much of that normalcy is acceptable to you in regards to your wife? Will you be able to handle the knock on the door in the middle of the night? Any physical contact to include sex in the midst of emotion and stress? That is the hook that she needs to prove to herself she has you back? Professions of love and apology if your WW can not reign them in?

Not saying any or all will or can happen, but you need to prepare yourself for any and all possibilities and your boundaries before you step through that door.

How will yanking that façade of comfort back off for the kids once they have had it again effect them?

The kids know there are problems. Address them together in an age appropriate way. If you want to stay in the house with your WW then do it. But don't do it for your kids for a couple of days and then rip that away again.

If they are going to stay with the ILs find a way to spend time together with your kids that helps them. Together with your WW or alone. You have the skills as their father to reassure them without building up expectations that may not come to fruition.

[This message edited by redrock at 10:42 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But your kids… They don’t have any release. They only know home is burning…

If you divorce it will take time.
If you reconcile it will take time.

For now – focus on reassuring your kids that the sky isn’t falling on their heads.

I would suggest the following:
Get home in your own time. (Nah… that’s bullshit – get home NOW).
Ask your wife to sleep in a spare room if you need space for now (read on…)
Have a calm, amicable evening where it’s you, WW and the children. Grill hamburgers, make shakes and see their favorite Disney movie or whatever. Cuddle them in the sofa. Talk. Commute. Focus on the kids.

Take note of their behavior. It will either be one of semi-fear and they will act shy around you or the other extreme with hugging, sitting in your lap, talking, being around you…

Once things calm down (that might be a day or two) then you and WW sit down with them – either all together or individually – and simply tell them in an age-appropriate way that mom and dad are dealing with stuff and need time apart (if she’s moving out). Make great assurances that their family isn’t dead and that you both love them to bits.

Look SWAT – Right now I don’t give a horses ass who’s to blame, why she did it, what OM is doing and so on. Right now I feel for your kids.

THIS^^^^^^^

The immediate crisis (physical) is over for your kids. The mental is not. Right now, the need their Dad. My suggestion of her moving out goes to the back burner. See to their immediate needs.

This doesn't change anything with regard to WW in the longer term, but deal with this crisis first. Then, the M.

Ie, her not moving out immediately. The kids will be more reassured with both parents there.

I'm pretty sure OM only had his department issued weapon, which he had to return. I don't ever remember him having any other firearms but that is something the judge would have asked for when the order was originally issued.

Are you that worried? Use your brothers on the force. I'm sure that they would be more than willing to go *eyes on* for you in this sitch. Hell, if I could I'd be there for you myself.

Brother, we've got your back. I'll be completely honest here and tell you I hope you can save the M. However, my primary concern is as the title of this site states. I want to help YOU *survive infidelity*. That doesn't always mean saving the M. I've survived 5 times with 5 different women. This is the first time I've even attempted R. Couldn't have gotten this far without this place.

I see a lot of similarities between ours spouses. Right down to the seeking sex as *affection*. Previous boyfriend comes back, talks dirty, yada, yada, yada. Hell, when your WW came on board I had to lol. My FWW is sosorry5454rl.

Stay strong. Actually, I'm kind of glad you're getting home with friends.

Strength as always

ETA added italics

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:18 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you that worried?

I'm sure that was SWAT's response to a posters specific question about OM's possible additional firearms.

Of course the kids come first, no matter what, they are the innocent ones in all of this, and just fucking sucks big time.
Unfortunately, I know of no kids that have been through a divorce or family split, even in the best of amicable circumstances, that didn't end up screwed up a little in the end, if I can be blunt.
It's just hard to explain to a child with common sense that adults can be complete idiots in a relationship. Hell, we can't even figure it out, how can we expect kids too?
Continuing reassurance of love and stability is what they are looking for, but them coming to terms with a possible change in how that is going to be achieved is the challenge.

Reassure the kids. but take some time. Any first responder will tell you, don't rush in without evaluating the situation, the last thing you want it to become the next victim.



"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with Bigger, although I think WW staying with IL's is still a good idea. It doesn't mean you can't both spend time together with your children. The kids definitely need some normalcy, reassurance, comfort, and stability back.

I'm not sure if you are a praying man, but please know that you, your wife, your kids, and your family are in my prayers. Infidelity is hard enough, but the OM has taken it to an entirely new level.

Safe travels home, SWAT!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to throw this out here for consideration. Mostly because the OM reminds me of my XH (also an ex-cop &
nutball)

Quick background: I suspected XH was cheating. He lied, lied and lied. Then I found out about an OC born while we were married. Confronted, he went ballistic, I got protection order, had him removed from the house and NEVER, EVER, EVER, spoke to him again. XH stalked, harassed, vandalized, etc, for YEARS.

-------------------------------

I think your WS's OP's behavior could be a reaction to your WW going hard NC on him.

I am by no means defending her behavior. But maybe she knew he was a loose canon and thought that by just talking to him, she could keep the situation under control. Again, I am NOT excusing her behavior. But I do remember living under these types of threats and continued violence and I remember thinking at times, "maybe I could reason with him..." I never did that. But I can understand the thinking.

My X would tell the police, the judge and anyone who would listen that I had invited him over for dinner, that I was begging for him back, etc, etc. this was all a LIE.

These control freak types will threaten, vandalize, break into your home, lie, etc when they feel they have lost all control. My point is, maybe this time she really did change her number, block his email, etc.

Try to remember, there is a fear factor here along with (I'm sure embarrassment) of what she has done. I can only speak to the fear of separating and going NC from a nut-job. I was only me. And I was going NC with my H at the time. I didn't have the added complication of an affair, nor did I have my husband and little children's safety to worry about.

Just my $ .02


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7992 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here. I wrote earlier about reassuring the children.

I've had a hard go of it with my own children. I've seen how this plays out over the first year and I have seen the fallout long-term for friends. They do need reassurance that no matter what path you take, they will be cared for and loved by both you and your WW. They need to be told over and over that this is NOT their fault in any way. They will believe it is. They will believe they could change it. They will internalize what they cannot talk about.

So please. Talk to them in very simple terms. This site always talks about being truthful, honest, AUTHENTIC. This HAS to include how you treat your kids. Do not create "false reality" for them. If you need time away from your WW, that's okay. Just explain it to your kids. NOT their fault. You and Mommy need some time apart to work on your problems. You will always love them and be available to them.

My (then) 12yo DS went shopping with my WH for things for his apartment. It killed me a bit more inside, but I supported his need to do this. To feel included in the process... To know that he had a "room" at his dad's...

Don't "pretend" for the kid's sake. That's not healthy for their emotional development. They need to be able to trust. Be authentic. That doesn't mean share information that is beyond their ability to comprehend and digest. Just do your best to comfort and reassure them, while being honest. You can do this.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are with the inlaws? So, I am sure everyone is alright. Though nothing compares to Daddy.

On another note. I tend to agree with others. OM is a "bunny boiler". He lied to your WW (saying you were having an A)to get her, and he may be lying now about the invite over. Just pointing that out. Regardless, he is sooo unstable. I sure hope that paints a horrific picture of the man your wife invited into her family's life and it helps her detach from him. Maybe it will scare her into thinking twice about her actions in the future. She can't control how the OM or a OBS will act.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just will add my opinion. I would think your wife most certainly did not invite the OM over.

I doubt she even talked to him.

Him being drunk like that, of course he is going to make up all kinds of crap.

It does sound like his mind is coming unglued. He not only violated the PO, also drunk and disorderly in public (is that a crime anymore) plus destroying property and driving drunk.

SO maybe that will keep him in jail quite a while.

Drive safe.


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT is in law enforcement and he knows - and I know (as a lawyer) that these types of people get OUT OF JAIL fairly easily. Bond is easy to post for those with the funds or property.

Yes, time to make sure this nut doesn't hurt the children. You just never know .....


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 917 | Registered: Feb 2005
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The severity of the situation does make it appear that his wife did not have contact of any kind. However, SWAT has seen her act before (so have his inlaws and the LEO wives.) We all know that its actions, not words. Until SWAT can verify there was no contact, he should be wary.

I hope you have a good homecoming, SWAT.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three and a half hours tops and I can see my kids. The closer I get the more nervous I am.

Jeaniegirl. How right you are and right now it really sucks. Thank god for mobile patrol because at least I know he is still jail.

Got gas and food so were off again. Thanks for your support everyone.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry this isn't my personal twitter but I kind of made it that way. I just need to touch base to stay grounded if y'all know what I mean


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twitter away. We are here for you!


BBF 29
WGF 24
Dday 1 - 1/6/14 EA Day
Dday 2 - 1/23/14 PA Day

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Safe drive Swat.

Love those kids.

And re-assure your WW that your family is still yours.

That means you stay in the drivers seat of your marriage.


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me so angry when a WS introduces this kind of crazy into their family's lives. Their crappy selfish choices can have some serious repercussions that "I'm sorry, I didn't know he/she was like this" won't fix.

I am truly sorry you're dealing with this and your much needed getaway was cut short out of fear for your family's safety.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 994 | Registered: Mar 2012
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - for what it's worth I am a former prosecutor and have seen my share of disturbances like this.

The OM in this situation wouldn't have acted this way if he had been invited. Actually he was acting like he was being ignored.

Again - all FWIW.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 146 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM in this situation wouldn't have acted this way if he had been invited. Actually he was acting like he was being ignored.

Totally agree with this. ^^^


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7992 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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