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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT

Safe journey sir. I know you are bursting to see you kids. And I know a ton of emotions will be erupting tonight.

And while I agree in principle with Bigger, I am going to take a contrarian's viewpoint. You see, I am assuming you are the kind of man that would take a bullet for your kids. In fact, I am betting you will do everything in your power to make them feel loved and safe. So, I don't think it is even worth commenting that you should consider doing this.

No, I think you put others first probably way too much.

And if it has not already, it is going to eat away at you. Give, give, give and give and get hurt, hurt, hurt and hurt is not healthy in any way, shape or form.

And brother, you need to find healthy. Your kids need you healthy. I say this with as much respect for you as possible, because I know you love her, but your wife is some kind of "messed up." While I am sure she is good mother, coming to terms with what she has been, what she has done, and what she is facing is going create challenges that even a healthy person would find daunting.

That is likely to spill over to parenting.

So, please, SWAT. Continue to take care of yourself. Your kids need you! Find what you need to help your healing. And if that means (legally) crushing OM, so be it. If that means separation, so be it. If it means meditating while standing on your head, well, good luck with that.

Strength and blessings to you.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 7:38 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents went thru an extremely nasty divorce when I was about 5 or 6 years old..They grossly underestimated my ability to understand what was going on around me..There were times when one of my parents would try to turn me against the other..There were other moments when one or both of my parents would be feeding me platitudes that everything would be peachy....

Basically my parents lied to me more often than not..... I don't think they were evil at all.....I knew they loved me in their own ways....Looking back I just don't think they knew what the heck they were doing when it came to handling their kids in this kind of situation......

As a result of being the kid of my parents in this kind of mess, I got so confused.. During those years I lost all trust in adults in general. I believed that all of the gown ups in my life were liars..I was in my early teens when I learned that not all grownups were liars and that some adults actually kept their promises..

When I think back on those years, the one thing I would have appreciated was to have somebody TALK to me and tell me what was going on..My adjustment to the tension that was ever present in our house, would have been smoother had my parents not underestimated my perception of things.. All they had to do was tell me the truth in a way a young kid would understand, of why they were always upset....I didn't know if somebody died, if my parents were upset with me or what the heck..I was fed the "Everything is gonna be okay" line without being given specific information I could process and make sense of..

You have so much on your plate and here I have written you a mini novel, I apologize... I just wanted to say that I like the advice seen here on letting your kids know what is happening in an age appropriate manner and maybe getting them some GOOD counseling somewhere along the way if it is possible..Whatever it takes so these kiddos don't lose trust in their adult peeps...

...and what screwedup said totally resonates with me in how I think you are handling your situation..I admire you...

Sending you and your family prayers...((((SWAT))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:24 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I could not sleep. I got into town around 9:30 and went to see my family. I did tell them I was coming. When I got to the in laws WW was giving the boys a bath. DD saw me first and just started screaming, in a good way. (If an 11 year old girl can scream in a good way). WW got the boys out and they were also very happy to see me. My wife tried to hug me but I kind of shrugged her off. She looked hurt and scared and I'm not sure she knew what to say or do. I just asked her if she was alright and she said yes. The butterflies in my stomach were jumping. My kids asked where I was sleeping since they were all having a sleep over. I think WW was trying to keep the kids calm after what happened and did not want them afraid to go home. I told the kids I would stay at home tonight and they would all see me tommorrow. They seemed to accept that and they must of had to much sugar or something since they all stayed up and were wired.

After they fell asleep I hung out for a while and drank some beer with FIL and BIL. I told BIL we needed to have a talk but now wasn't the time. WW warmed up a bit and seemed to calm down after the kids went to sleep. I was polite but I wasn't able to comfort her, I'm very angry with her right now and didn't want to push the issue in front of everyone. I told her we would to have a talk soon.

I was calm on the outside but good lord my guts were churning. I'm dreading the coming conversations and I'm not even sure what I'm going to say.

So I am home in my own bed and I am sorry if this all makes no sense. I'm pretty tired right now.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 324 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a former 11 year old girl I can tell you, seeing Dad come home from a trip made me so insanely happy/crazy it made my whole week.

I'm glad you're home because you will have a ton of things churning in your mind, stomach, and heart and it's come home to roost. I'm nowhere near the level of expert many others are here but I can assure you they will have more words of wisdom.

Just know you've got lots of people listening.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"m dreading the coming conversations and I'm not even sure what I'm going to say."

yeah. we all went through this in some form or another and its never pretty.

i know what helped me. i made an outline to follow so i didnt forget anything. i took notes on what my wife said.

dont be rushed into a decision. you have time. you can think and make up your mind over time. you made a commitment when you got married and followed it, she broke it, its up to you what you do about that - and you do NOT need to decide now.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 527 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dont be rushed into a decision. you have time. you can think and make up your mind over time. you made a commitment when you got married and followed it, she broke it, its up to you what you do about that - and you do NOT need to decide now.

Agreed.

Swat, I am so sorry - I've been reading this thread (and your wife's), and I cannot imagine the pain that you are enduring. Ultimately, though, as William said, this is going to take time. And in that time you will know if you want to R or move on. I understand children are involved so that makes it all the more difficult for you. What a mess.

Of course we don't know her as you do, but it appears as though she is "listening" to the advice being given to her on this site. I hope very much that she continues to receive advice and support...and hope she gets the help she needs so she can be a better person no matter what the outcome of your M.

Sending strength...

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5024 | Registered: May 2007
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT))))

I am happy that you were able to spend some time bonding with your babies. That's the most important thing right now.

Remember you and your kids are the priority. Base you actions on how you can best care for those people, and I bet you will make smart good choices.

I hope you were able to get some well deserved sleep.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8144 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you made it home safe and sounds and got to spend some time with the kids.

If/when you feel up to it let us know how you are doing this week. Lots on your mind I'm sure.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1925 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you made it home safe and that you got to spend some time with your kids. I really hope things work out for you.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,
What I'm about to ask will probably trigger you, but I feel it's something that needs to be addressed for you to start healing.

Why do you think the OM is going crazy now? Why not a year ago when your WW claims she ended the affair after you got hurt?

That's a gap of nine months between your WW claim of ending the A, and your DDay!!!


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you made it home. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances.

I'm not even sure what I'm going to say.

That's ok. We talk about not making decisions for 6 months to a year. Don't force it. Watch, observe, get a feel for the lay of the land.

My suggestion of having the WW stay at her parents for a few days was predicated on the idea of what it's going to feel like co-parenting after the D if that's the avenue you choose. See what that's like. Focus on your kids.

Another option is one that I took for the first 10-11 months.(It took my FWW 7-8 months to really reach *remorse*, regret? Within the first day). I didn't have a term for it until another member pointed it out and that was *not divorcing*. In my eyes, it was not really R because I wasn't yet ready to really try, but not really headed to D because I really, really didn't want that, but didn't see any alternatives. So *not divorcing* it was. I gave her the time to *show* me who she really was and what she was willing to do to save the M. It gave me time and removed the pressure of forcing the issue one way or the other. Quite honestly, had I been forced, I'd be posting to you from the D side and recommending you dump her immediately.

Just wanted to throw a viable alternative out on the table for you. I/we will support you in any decision you make.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2696 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,
I have been following both yours and your wife's post's.

The pain I see and can actually feel for you both is really something. You both love one another so much that is a fact.

What you explain in your last post of your gut turning, I remember and still get that way but my wh is still in a non remorse state really and feels entitled to keep OW in phone and text... So I know that feeling when it is time to confront and talk about it all. For you, however, I think it is a real turning point no matter the outcome that you are both here.

I know you are hurt and angry and feel validated. We all know that feeling.. however again as the others have said, OM is pissed and it was I bet because your wife is having strong NC and it pissed the crazy man off.

I am glad your babies got to see daddy! That little girl squeal is because she was so excited to see you. I remember that with my dad.

You have a beautiful family and you sound like a wonderful man. Your wife to me sounds like a wonderful woman you lost her way and needs some help. Sounds like she is getting it on the other forum.

I wish the best for all of you. I really do.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SWAT it is good to see that you've got home. I think the longer you wait to have the conversation the longer it is going to make your guts churn.

Just having the conversation to say " I don't know what I want right now," might help to break the tension.

Sometimes keeping stuff to yourself makes it worse KWIM ?

It is your call, but if you were anything like me you are having practice conversations in your head with your W. Maybe you are more sane that me, but I have to tell you if you are doing that is not constructive and is making you feel worse.

At some point the anger you feel needs to be expressed. If you keep turning that inward it is going to morph into depression. BTDT.

Just hoping to help you in your journey and pass along advice that I wish I had at the time.

There is usually a pretty decent beer discussion in the Menz forum on Fridays, stop in. It might do you some good to focus on something else for little bit.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
MCGar
♀ New Member
Member # 20928
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading both threads and something sticks out to me in both of them. Your wife strikes me as emotionally immature.

I'll only reference your thread though, to keep to your boundary.

I feel that while it's natural for her to be 'hurt' by your distance. A more mature woman would suck it up and after being told that you need space, wouldn't push it at all. Someone that actively wants to take responsibility for not only their actions but the aspect of their personality that led them to this; should, in my opinion, be much more diligent in burdening you with their emotions that require anything from you right now.

If anything she should be doing her darn best to make things easy for you instead of trying to push to cling to you and not hiding her hurt that you don't want her to.

Just from my perspective, if I had pulled that stunt she did, I wouldn't be expecting any sort of hug. I instead would be very wary of how I should act. It's just the results of those sorts of actions


Posts: 43 | Registered: Sep 2008
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you made it in safely and got to see your kids. I'll be thinking really positive MOJO thoughts your way today.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4706 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I had the talk with WW earlier today and it was rough but I made it through. I'll be back later as I'm picking up my kids at the bus stop.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 324 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending support to your and your family.

I am so sorry for the meat grinder you have been through. One day, one hour, one minute at a time some days is all you can do.

Your SI twitter account is alive and well when you need it.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT you handled everything in this honorably. I know that is a small consolation to you right now, but it makes a big difference later on.

Take some time to reflect on that and allow yourself to feel proud of that. I know it is hard, but as many people have said before, this isn't on you. It is on your W.

The thing that struck me when my IC presented it to me was that my W could be married to someone else and this would have still happened to that guy. The point is there are things broken inside of your wife. Big things that allow her to make destructive choices. As much as you wanted to avoid this, it was unavoidable and out of your control.

the sad fact in life is that bad things to happen to good people and vice versa.

Right now spending time with your IC figuring out what is important to you in life would be key. Therein lies the info you need to decide what path you ultimately take. Keep your options open and protect yourself.

You have more than earned your way out of this M if you want it, but remember what I told you about when I was going to move out. Sometimes it helps to realize there are greater purposes in life much larger than one person. You live your life everyday doing selfless acts for others so I know you get what I mean.

Spend some time with your kids. As Bigger pointed out they are likely going to need some comfort and support. Just like you, they did not deserve any of this.

Keep posting, it really does help.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following both your and your WW's posts and my prayer is to see your status changed to "R". I hope that's what you want too...

Now get some rest and, when you have some time, please let us know what you decide to do. You've got about a zillion of us rooting for you!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 288 | Registered: May 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to emphasize something N&D said;

SWAT you handled everything in this honorably. I know that is a small consolation to you right now, but it makes a big difference later on.
Take some time to reflect on that and allow yourself to feel proud of that.

Absolutely


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2696 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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