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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my prayer is to see your status changed to "R"

I understand you mean well but I think it's important to note that R may not be the answer for SWAT and we should be praying for his well being whether he goes R or D. It's better to support him and his decision and not just him if he Rs with his WW.

SWAT, glad you're pulling through. Sending my support.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

Just wanted to add my "glad you made it home safe".

My Dad used to travel, when we were kids, and I remember all of us girls screaming the moment we saw him pull up the drive. It always warmed his heart. You have a beautiful DD there.

These shitstorms take time. Do whatever it is you feel you need to do, whenever you feel you need to do it. (got it?? )

Sending strength, altho we all know you have a shitpot of it!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat she needs to explain why she would meet with OM and lie to you about being home. She made a choice to see him. Doesn't matter what she thought she would accomplish, the fact is she knew you wouldn't want her near him, yet she went anyways.

Until she can satisfy you with why she was so weak you can't start healing.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, SWAT, I am glad you made it home.

Taking care of the needs of your children should be your #1 priority right now. Regardless of whether you D or R, this mess WILL affect them. You might also want to consider getting them into some type of counseling, I cannot imagine the fear they felt the other night.

Take your time...your head must be spinning.

You will make it through this...but right now take care of you so you can take care of your precious kids.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

I second everyone's suggestions that you should consider counselling for the kids, the sooner the better. I know it has helped me tremendously when I started it in my 20s, and I so dearly wish I started doing it much sooner, as early as 6 or 8 years old, when I was already started to be severely affected by my parents' issues.

Best wishes to all of you


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
identitylost
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I don't write on here very much anymore....but have been following your story. I just wanted to chime in and say you will be alright whichever path you take.

Reconcile, divorce....they both suck IMHO. There are pros and cons to both paths, you just have to decide which one you can bare. For any of us that have been in this position, it sucks bc you are having to make decisions that affect you, your children, everything while you are still in a state of shock. I promise you though, you will look back a few years down the road and be amazed at the strength you had during this awful time and that will give you the confidence to know that you can deal with anything life may throw at you down the line.

I tried reconciling for about 5 months but ultimately did divorce. In my case, I can say that divorcing was easier than constantly being disappointed by my ex and feeling like I was having to verify every word that came out of his mouth. I can pretty much guarantee you that you will know when you are done. The worse part of divorce for me? Having my kid introduced to every single woman that my ex dates and used almost like a 'prop' to show how good of a guy he is despite his many issues. That part sucks more than you can even imagine....once you divorce, you can only really protect your kids when they are with you. You need to think of all these things when deciding what you want to do.

I also wanted to give you a glimpse of what 2.5 years later looks like, at least in my case. I am happy, very happy actually, but will admit that the affair and break up of my family is something I think about every day. Whether it's a headline of the latest celebrity affair, a song on the radio even seeing a family together at the park....you will be reminded of what has happened and what you lost (whether you stay or go).

But....you will survive and even thrive. I do wish you peace and luck during this time.


Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jan 2012
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful post, IdenityLost. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a good day. Kids woke up and of course I was up at 6am. I haven't been up that early in forever. DD tricked me into making breakfast and then finagled an invitation to WW for breakfast...After all I did miss Mother's Day. WW did come to breakfast and I think they all enjoyed the food I made.

I took the kids horseback riding. Tired kids are good right now. All in all a good day was has by all. (I think)


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be honest. I was not really all that upset when she tricked me. I was actually thinking it would be nice since I missed Mother's Day.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a very good day, SWAT. Hang in there. You're doing great.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah! Kids are great like that I've been "tricked" into many things over the years myself.

Glad you had such a great day today. Enjoy it.

Hang in there. You still have some rough weather ahead so bask in these good days when the present themselves.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad it was a good day for you SWAT. enjoy them while you get them.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad it was a good day too :-)


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying for you, your kids, and your WW, SWAT. glad to see you status update... Baby steps in the right direction from WW are still steps in the right direction. Praying she's seen the light, so to speak!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day at a time Swat.

Take it one day at a time.


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well all the kids are asleep and WW went to her parents. So I'm sitting here alone and I'm actually feeling pretty good.

I suggested to WW that we spend as much time with the kids as a family. But at night she stays with her family. I don't want to stress out the kids. I'm not sure exactly how or what to tell them in regards to what is happening. Any suggestions would be welcome.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just say what is happening. you don't have to be complicated. "mommy is staying at grandparents for awhile." If they ask why, keep it simple again. "we think it is best for the time being."

And go slow friend. You're feeling good now and I'm glad. but your anger is going to come. In a few weeks you're going to be really pissed that she did all the things she did. So go slow. Like 5454RL suggested, just stay "not divorced" for a while. Don't immediately forgive her and jump to an artificial "R."

give yourself time. She screwed up. She can wait in limbo for a while. Hopefully her new found WS friends will tell her your anger is coming, because it is. You're going to be really disappointed in her and angry.

but it is just a phase. hang in there. You're doing great in my opinion.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike thanks. Things have been alright. She isn't pushing and I think her posting here is good for her.

The only dark spot is OM got released from the jail this morning. I let WW know so she is prepared. I'll be watching and we shall see.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And go slow friend. You're feeling good now and I'm glad. but your anger is going to come.

This is really true and important. I think a lot of us felt a primary reflex around dday to "beat" the situation. It is a panic type of thing, with a little bit of wanting to control an uncontrollable situation. The thought of a WS not only inflicting us with betrayal, but also with the possibility of THEM leaving US, can be too much to bear in the midst of such gut wrenching, EXHAUSTING, trauma. Our WS are both the knife and the medicine for the wound they stabbed in us But after we can at least assure ourselves that we will not be enduring a separation as well as the betrayal, then we start to rationally process what actually happened. I think this is also a factor with Hysterical Bonding? Not trying to put thoughts in your head, but it's something to consider.


I would encourage you to start reading the General forum, even though *bless your heart* you are just fresh from a second dday. This is where you will see the long term effects of A, what it feels like after the smoke clears. Triggers are absolute hell. HELL, heart pounding, puke inducing HELL. Continued lies. Distrust. The reminders everywhere. The ramifications of having to run into or live near the slimebag OM/OW who had sex with your spouse. The embarrassment of people knowing. The doubt. The watching your back. The exhausting need to verify everything they do or say. The wondering whether god forbid your children will become a WS or an OW/OM due to being exposed to this.

I don't mean to sound scary, but it's true sometimes. And I swear on all that is holy I hope you avoid all those feelings.

Geez, I know that was dark at best! Sorry, but you deserve to know all sides and opinions.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 11:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat I'm in no position to give you advise with the issues I have for sure. However kids tend to adjust alot easier than us adults. I'm not saying this isn't going to affect them in some way. One good thing is that you and your WW work together to raise them and be there for them as a team. They don't need to know the real reason why. Just that is better for them if you 2 live apart.
As far as the OM. I think you may have your hands full. Sorry that you the BS has to deal with that. It makes it even more difficult for you.
You seem like a good decent man. Eventually you will be happy again.
Much luck to you SWAT.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


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