I'm telling you this because you love your wife. As long as she continues to become a better person for herself first and a better wife with time to prove she has changed.
Anything is possible for you 2.
There will be times of struggle for you both. I can tell you being cheated on all the time and not knowing is traumatic to say the least. (not that being cheated on once is any better).
Then to be verbally abused by this man and threaten me out of anger! I wanted to run and never come back.
I guess my point is... Your wife may have made a bad decision a couple times. With IC and time to process why she did what she did and realize what she did to you and your kids. She will know what she had lost. Hopefully that alone will be motivation for her to fix and learn from her wrong doings.
I hope the best for you and your family. I also hope things work out for you and your family's happiness.
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
You have composed yourself and your actions through this whole ordeal with much eloquence.
And while a few might criticize what I wrote I will tell you that it is ok to tell your wife that you love her.
It is ok to reassure her that you are still there fighting for her and your family.
But most of all it is ok to show her consequences for her horrible decisions that have threatened your marriage and put your family in danger.
Remind her when appropriate of her vows to you. Of her promises as a mother to protect the kids/family.
These are consequences Swat.
Encourage her to be a better person and leave her selfishness in the past.
I look at my WW and see her distress and pain. I didn't cause it she did but I want to help her. I know I can't she has to fix this not me.
I am glad you understand this. You can't play the knight in shining armor. She needs to learn how to function on her own. To stand up for herself in a healthy non-dependent way. Which is a HUGE issue for her A. She enjoyed the men fighting over her and the attention. She needs to validate herself. Part of that is learning healthy coping skills.
You can show her that you appreciate what she does that makes you feel safe. But, do not fight these battles for her. You take charge too much. She will take it for granted and she will not feel like there is much to lose because she isn't the one putting the work and effort into the relationship. Think of it this way...if you are the one that is working hard to put yourself through college, then you appreciate it more. You are less likely to blow it off as one might that has it handed to them on a silver platter.
I did get a call for the DA's office and if seems my wife is pushing for them to get this thing done. She wants OM away from her. I'm "happy" about that obviously.
But I'm kind of indifferent today. I'm not sure how I actually feel, I guess kind of numb. It's cloudy and rainy so maybe it's just the weather, I don't know. It seems I've been in pain for so long and now I'm just existing. Not really happy, sad or even angry...I'm just here. It's a holiday weekend soon and I've got to get some mojo back. I've got plans for a party his Memorial Day and everything is purchased. Beer, booze, burgers, sausage, dogs and all the fixings. I've got the pool open and the water is warming nicely should be about 70 degrees by then.
I'm just wondering if this is going to be my life from now on? Will I always feel this way or will I be happy again? Sorry just depressed today.
I'm just wondering if this is going to be my life from now on? Will I always feel this way or will I be happy again?
You're already doing incredibly well for how close to DDay you are on top of all the chaos post DDay.
What you are feeling is a PTSD-like syndrome from this terrible event. It will pass.
More importantly, there will be an even better man on the other side. While infidelity sucks, if you go the course afterwards it can really build upon your character as well as open your eyes to a great many things we may have missed before. It's a learning experience no doubt!
Take care of yourself, SWAT. It's vitally important that you are focusing on YOU and your KIDS primarily. Treat yourself to a beer and sausages, maybe a good cigar, gym & exercise, and lots of rest. Your memorial day plans sound excellent.
It's hard to see right now. Think back to when you were wounded. There were times that you probably thought that you'd never feel healthy again, that the pain would go on forever. Then you started healing a bit, and the pain lessened. You over did a few times (I am sure) and had pain spikes, and had to ease off a bit. Then you had to grit through it during physical therapy. But one day, you woke up, got out of bed, carried out your morning routines, and then had the realization that it didn't hurt. And those times eventually became longer.
I can tell you now, as I am heading towards my 2nd antiversary of DDay, that my FWHs A does not define our lives anymore. We have a few bad days who doesn't? But we have good days, great days, and un-fricking-believable days! You will too.
Chug a beer for me! I'll chug one in your honor while we're out camping this weekend. Cheers!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It really depends on you. I know how that sadness follows you around sometimes. It is so deep you feel it in your bones.
I found that melatonin supplements help with sleep. Lack of sleep kind of makes everything worse. So make sure to get some rest. Give the beer a rest for a few days.
I am not going to lie it is not a pleasant road ahead, but it does have a destination and if you keep walking you will get there.
I find that when the depression gets to me a genuine kind and thoughtful gesture to someone else lifts my spirits. Not saying you should do something nice for your wife, but maybe a friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc.
Just doing a nice thing for someone else helps me remember who I am at my core.
If you need a distraction, just throw yourself into the party. Clean the pool really well, Make your own salsa, etc. Sometimes just staying busy can keep the sadness in check.
Take care man. I promise this does get better and it won't be like this forever. You will be happy again. Look for that happiness in other parts of your life that are less chaotic right now. Maybe set some personal goals and work on that. (e.g.- be able to rep 225 x number of times, Re qualify at the shooting range, etc.)
The story ain't over yet. It has lots of pages to get better.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Will I always feel this way or will I be happy again?
Right now, all this aggravation with the OM is a constant reminder of your wife's infidelity. You don't forget the infidelity in time, but these major reminders of what she's put you and your kids through tend to take over.
I hope this guy is finished in law enforcement. How do others you work with feel about this? No way they'd ever trust a guy like that to have their backs.
I've got plans for a party his Memorial Day and everything is purchased. Beer, booze, burgers, sausage, dogs and all the fixings. I've got the pool open and the water is warming nicely should be about 70 degrees by then.
And that's what I do, look forward to these dates to get together with the kids and spend quality time with them. Look forward to more events into the future and just focus on that, one at a time. These are the little paradise islands in this ocean of indifference. Just stay focused on swimming from island to island. Next one is the 4th of July, or birthdays, or guy's night out. The islands will get bigger and your positive "emotional stays" get longer. You'll soon gain a lot of distance between you and that last Dday.
Jduff. Thanks for the analogy. That is what I'm trying to do. One step at a time. Just keep moving forward. Reach my goal of being happy no matter what happens in my marriage.
Spoke to my wife a while ago. She had IC appt today and maybe over indulged in her attempts at honest. Seems her IC is now aware we are posting on SI and wanted to read my threads. I almost said no, but I have nothing to hide and for the most part have maintained my self control. I don't recall anything too bad so I said yes. I even said she could read some of my posts here but I did set some rules so we shall see.
She asked me to dinner because she wanted some alone time and she thinks I am depressed. Maybe I am depressed instead of numb, who knows. So we are going out for some of my favorite Italian food. She gets points for trying.
But, I think it's important to keep in mind that most of us still loved our spouses after DDay. Most of us had children, in the exact same situation as yours. Many of us have had "bunny boilers" and crazy OM/OW as nutty as yours. We had inlaws we cared for very much, (I can especially relate to this). MANY of us had spouses throw the OW/OM straight under the bus, and cry to us on their knees that they loved us and were sorry, and suddenly started acting like they were going to be the spouse we ALWAYS deserved. And yet....
Do not ever, ever, lose sight of the fact that this was a deliberate choice on the part of your WW. I'm not saying you can't R, but do not skip over this fact. OM is nuts, so? Many OPs are, they almost all have a screw loose, or they wouldn't be OPs in the first place. I could tell you of my own situation but it would require I hijack your thread with several pages of crazy. yeah. Several posters have said to separate crazy OM from WW...and imo that means vice versa.
My first instinct toward any BS in this sitatuion is BE CAREFUL.
I remember a brief discussion on here about how the usual Star Trek reference (POSER) doesn't adequately describe the OM in this case. Well I'm watching the newest Star Trek movie, and this little fucker has a brief appearance:
So I suggest that this OM is a tribble. You know those stupid fuzzy things that seem innocuous, make endearing little noises when pet, but deep down they're just parasites? Yep. OM.
Months 6-8 are the worse. I went through a I don't even know why I was even upset to be losing you phase. Real anger and real disgust. Then I mellowed out.
It came back around months 13-15. Kinda of a disillusionment phase. Like, why am I not over this yet? It has been a year already. I thought it would be all better. Just be prepared for TT. I got some major TT at months 18 when my spouse felt safe enough to tell me without the risk of me leaving.
Then you just find yourself again. I didn't mellow, I just found a way to live with this new marriage. (obviously only if there has been all needs met) It truly is a roller coaster ride, but you have been riding it for some time now...so you know.
I can tell you that the good out weighs the bad as time goes on. You can be happy. You just make sure that the happiness is there in spite of the spouse. You become happy with yourself. Think "bucket list". You become happy with your children. If you are religious...you become better there too. If the spouse is doing their part, then it is an added bonus.
Just live day by day. Enjoy making plans for the weekend.
Focus where you must that is negative, but rest assured that eventually other important things in life will come and go as well. Events in your family, with your kids, your career will take your focus away and happiness will come in various forms are inevitable (graduations, first days of school, birthdays etc., just life). Hell, a simple cold might be an unexpected diversion.
Keeping all this in check is not always easy. I followed your posts as they transpired, and you are so well-grounded. I could relate to your plight, and I thought you have handled this extraordinarily well. I wish I could say it would be all over soon. (At least OM is going down in flames despite this thread's title! F him)
But, you (and WW) get to carry this now forever. HOW you carry it is up to you. I know you are not settled on D or R, which is completely understandable and you need to be open to either. It will be part of your life either way, but you seem the sort to have strength in either case. At one point in my life, when I learned about FWW A, I thought it took more strength to R, but Iíve learned that D takes strength as well (perhaps more sometimes).
I chose to stay with my W. I didnít really deal with it when it happened, and my DDAY is my anniversary. Honestly, sometimes it still depresses me, gets me pissed off and angry, but not so much anymore. I was a lot younger then, and wish I could have dealt with this head on like you have, because not doing so has in many ways made it more painful over the years. I seriously considered crashing my aircraft on 2 missions while deployed right afterwards, but couldnít do that to my unit.
I think its great you have such a wonderful, in tact support structure (in-laws, friends, work, even SI), and that is an immense advantage that will help you no matter what. Expect depressing days, but they will become fewer with (a lot of) time.
There may come a day (if it hasn't already) when you start examining all sorts of things about yourself. How you may have missed indications, unknowingly enabled, carry some blame and guilt, and all kinds of other horseshit. Remember that itís just that (harder than it sounds).
I was really caught off-guard by your missed-motherís Day post. I totally related to you giving in to positive emotion and calling a truce for the day. I actually saw that first as I usually avoid JFO. Special kudos for giving that to your kids and W (and of course yourself).
Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.
One of the best bits of advice I've ever read, regarding being a BS.
[This message edited by evephoebe1 at 11:22 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Remember, the IC has NO responsibility to you, your marriage, or the wellbeing of either. The sole investment is in your wife.
And she needs that.
But not at your expense.
I think this is a very, very bad idea.
I hope you're not putting too much stock in your wife's legal actions against OM as a sign that she "gets it."
First and foremost, she needs to take these actions to protect the children, herself and you. OM is bad news.
But this is the same OM that just a few months ago, your wife was willing to lose her family for. Now a little later she is done everything she can, legally, to get this guy out of her life. That's quite a big change in how she regards him.
My point is that if you decide to R, be wary. She needs a long time to show if she ever "gets it," and it'll be with actions not words. As was mentioned earlier, she is not the first WW to throw her OM under the bus to save herself.especially after she resumed contact and met with him, it does not strike me as completely genuine that she hates this guy after willing to risk it all for him. Be cautious. I said earlier that my ex cheating fiancťe could have told me the sky is blue and I wouldn't have believed her.