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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree...bad idea.

Not all IC's are skilled in handling infidelity. We see that here on SI. You have never met this IC, correct? You have no idea if she is a "he should be over it by now" IC..or worse.

Your WW's IC is just that...HER IC. She is concerned only with your WW..not what is best for you.

I don't know. I may get some flack for this...but....your WW has already admitted she read your threads and your posts in order to manipulate stay a step ahead of you. So, while she sounds remorseful..and it's possible she's just as possible she is using what she is reading here to continue to manipulate you. She is saying all the right things...time will tell if she's capable of *doing* the right things.

I worry her IC will use what you share in your posts to further help your WW...but to your detriment.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no psychologist. But I do have some questions to raise.

First, if she's in IC to learn about/fix HER issues, what do your posts have to do with that? Unless counsellor is concerned he's hearing only part of the story, or fabrications. I'd like to know why your posts are important to the counsellor.

Second, you do not want her to get coached on how to get you back -- what to do and say so you think everything is now repaired. That won't happen directly, but WW is quite the manipulator. Again, what's in it for YOU for your posts to be read by her IC?

Third, on the other hand, having a better picture of recent events that precipitated her decision to have IC may assist the counsellor in focusing the sessions. I don't know your WW, but I suspect that she learned how to talk at an early age and has kept in practice ever since. Lots of potential for detours, etc., that may be averted. Seeing positive results of IC is in your interest, isn't it?

Or, maybe the counsellor is just curious about what us laypeople have to say. If all his/her recommendations are found here for free, maybe it gets difficult to justify professional fees. (Just like lawyers had to learn about the internet and legal forms -- "free" money sort of disappeared).

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT's wife has been reading his posts and responses from the beginning and could follow the playbook according to what people say here. The damage has been done from that. Now it's a matter of trust in whether she is doing her posts in an honest effort or to save her own skin. It'll take a long time of hard work on her end to show if she is genuine or not. The WS forum are pretty good at calling people out on bullsh*t , so she is posting in the right place.

And the IC does bother me also. There is no need for his posts in HER IC.

Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The IC asked for your posts?
I wouldn't allow it.
If her IC wants to know *where your head is* -- then you can be invited to a session......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with others. There is no reason for the IC to see your thread. This is personal for you. You want your wife to be genuine, not using the "playbook" to do all the right things. You want her to do the right things for the simple reason that it is right.

If it is to sort through the lies your wife has done since the beginning of IC, then the IC (if he/she is a good one) should be able to recognize that on their own.

As far as the OM goes, I can believe she could drop him like a brick. But, if she doesn't fix her insecurities and her lack of coping skills...she can easily find another to take his place when you aren't around to hold her up.

Her life right now and in the past has been about what other people can do for her. She needs to retrain her brain to see love as what she can do for others.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
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Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally unrelated

Are you two planning to see a marriage counselor?

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you do not want her to get coached on how to get you back --

I cannot agree with this strongly enough.

What. The. Hell. I'm sorry but I'm gonna have a hard time holding back on my opinion of this. SWAT, you have poured yourself into these posts. It's like the equivalent of the fly on the wall. The advantage this provides to anyone looking for a favorable outcome for THEMSELVES is overwhelming.

WTH was the reason for her doing this?? Let me guess... another "mistake". This was breaking her promise to say away from you posts by proxy: her IC is the proxy. It's like asking someone to steal a diary and then claiming innocence when you hear the contents from the thief.

Dammit...YOU are the one that needs repaired first in this f**ked up situation! She's not a baby, This is no longer about HER and what SHE needs the outcome of all this to be!!! What the hell she wants in her own IC has nothing to do with what's good for you. She didn't make a mistake, she wasn't forced OR even coerced into an A, she WANTED to fuck you over nine ways to Sunday with her A and hope to get away with it. Now she's done this, and again, because you are selfless, you try to comprise - okay, you say, but now at least dont' look at my IRC posts.

Ok I'm a little pms-ey but this pisses me off, for real. You've been screwed again. You generously offered her this site for her own support, and I would bet money you haven't read her posts. Now where is your safe place. And I've held back from saying it but I think there was more to WW and OM relationship than she has said. I believe she has probably ended it at this point, but I believe there was more to the A than just him being a jerk and her falling for it.

This is freaking bullshit. SWAT, f*** it, all bets are apparently off. What's stopping you from reading her posts?? I mean, wtf, what's good for the goose... Of course, I would suggest not being sneaky, say "well since the rules have obviously changed, I guess my guru/priest/counselor/friend will be reading your posts as well and then we will converse about it in a context that favors me. Oh don't worry, they won't tell me EXACTLY what you posted".

I really think you should go 180. I am a total hypocrite because I cant do it. So take that ugly honesty about myself for what it's worth. But I have never seen where I have read and thought it was more applicable.

Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hopeful mother said..I totally agree..
When I am feeling at my most depressed, I need to think about the same thing..What can I do for others? Because that is usually what gets me out of the house going and doing..I return home feeling pleased with myself, less empty...
Had your WW been a bit more selfless, and thought about/conducted her life from a different perspective she wouldn't have had time for A and OM..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:41 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm wow. Wasn't really expecting that reaction to her IC and my posts. And to be honest I didn't think about it that way.

Maybe I'm just in a bad spot the last few days but I really don't care right now. I'm kind of blah about the whole thing and I'm not even sure I want to stay in my marriage. Last night WW and I went to dinner. It was nice and the food was excellent as usual. But about half way through it started to taste funny and all I could think was what am I doing? Why am I even here she isn't the same person you thought she was and fell in love with. Your deserve better than this. What are you doing this for? Why are you putting yourself through all of this pain?

Right now I don't have any good answers to my own questions and that kind of sucks. I don't know maybe I've just reached the end of my rope. I'll know it won't be easy but I would be alright if I end it. I am just not sure it would eventually be alright if I stayed. Just a downer of a day sorry for that.

But hey on a brighter not its supposed to be a beautiful day for Memorial Day and plans for the annual party at the SWAT house are coming along nicely.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolut...sorry missed your post there. WW mentioned she was looking for MC but we haven't agreed or actually found one yet. A short time ago I would have been really pushing for it and felt I "owed" it to her. But again I don't owe her anything and I'm just not feeling it lately. Not sure what is going on.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your W wants to R, she should be willing to sign a release that allows her IC to talk with you about her goals and progress. Her IC may not be willing to answer your questions directly; instead s/he'll may want a joint session, but that's just as good.

Your W could very well be telling/hinting to you that she wants R while working with her IC to lull you to sleep and plan a coup. (I was once in a therapy group in which a fellow member was telling his W he wanted R but telling us he was leaning away from R. The therapist worked on getting him to be honest, but....)

I'm not saying she IS duplicitous, just that she could be. Signing the release puts her on the spot and puts an end to speculation about her motives.

Ask for the release.

Can't your W print your posts without your permission/input/action?

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT70, I have been following your story, praying for you and for your WW. I was so happy to see - a few posts back - that you said you loved your W and were going to make it work. Then I saw that you had had enough and didn't know if you two were going to make it.

SWAT, you and I share the exact same D-day - Valentine's Day 2014. And like you, because this is still so fresh and we are still processing all the lies and deception, we have good days followed by very bad days. And, it seems, every other day brings more lies to the surface and the wound that has just begun to heal opens wide again.

My prayer for you and your W is that you can make your marriage work. In my heart, it is what I believe you both want. Hang in there, dear friend! Yes, we are here for you on those bad days (I had one myself today!), but search your heart as you read what we tell you. Always search your heart. {{SWAT70}}

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should both look for a MC together.

You have kids together.

Want your kids to have a stepfather and stepsiblings? Will it comfort you to know that it was *technically* all her fault? Sorry I can't cheer you on but I don't see the fun in breaking up a family.

You have a family.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems her IC is now aware we are posting on SI and wanted to read my threads. I almost said no, but I have nothing to hide and for the most part have maintained my self control. I don't recall anything too bad so I said yes.
Something about this I don't think is right.

It is like asking to read your personal diary. Your posts on here were as you felt each day as it happened.

Would the IC like to see your wife's diary (if she had one) of her day to day thoughts during and after the affair, I would think probably not.

The IC is asking your wife what her thoughts were maybe at the time. But time has a way of changing answers because thinking changes.

You probably think differently today than some of your past posts on here.

If the IC wants to know what or how you think, he/she can ask you directly.

Posts: 4107 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolut. Your right I do have a family.

But so did she when she decided to spread her legs for him while I was in a hospital. She had a family when she has repeatedly lied to me about this whole fucking thing. So she can sue me because right at this moment I'm pissed at her and the whole freaking world right now. MC is not on my radar at he moment. Please explain to me exactly what I did to break up my family. Because unless I'm really an idiot I don't see anything I did wrong. I didn't cheat or lie.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids will always be in my life and know that I love them. Believe me when I say this. There is nothing on this earth that will stop me from raising my kids. She can see and do whoever and what ever she wants if we divorce. But no other man is going to ever touch or raise my kids. I will do what I have to and I will fight until I'm dead for them.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

think you should both look for a MC together.
You have kids together.

Want your kids to have a stepfather and stepsiblings? Will it comfort you to know that it was *technically* all her fault? Sorry I can't cheer you on but I don't see the fun in breaking up a family.

You have a family.

EXCUSE ME???? This is complete and total bullshit. Sorry.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE is it better to stay together and keep a family intact when it is completely broken than it is to D. When one spouse is so broken that they have an A, and fail to do the work to heal themselves it becomes a soul sucking situation that shows your children some fucked up version of what normal is
SWAT is a LEO, as such I'm sure he has seen plenty of "those" situations to know that if his wife isn't doing the real work of R, the work to fix whatever is so broken in her to make the choices she did with the person she did then he is better off D'ing her. The kids deserve this, and so does SWAT. It's better to have a divorced family with one healthy parent that shows what it means to demand the respect we all deserve, and to truly be capable of loving his children than to have two parents that are completely broken, and become a doormat. Half of the dysfunction that all of us are dealing with is because of "Staying together for the kids" Yah that worked out great for my Spouse. He turned around and did the same damn fucked up shit his dad did. And guess what his dad's dad did it too.

Break the cycle get strong, get healthy, when your wife starts really showing you she is doing the work, through action, not words, then consider MC, until then nope no way. Oh and her IC does not have the right to see your posts. Her IC is HER IC not yours. Make sure she is a fully licensed and trained clinical psych with specialty in infidelity and lying. If not find one.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^This! I'm going to have to agree with Tush on this. I'm all for R first and foremost but staying together just for the kids, IMO, is about one of the worst things you can do. In fact, that's my story. I'm a betrayed child that is now 40. When I was 16 my mother blew my family apart with an A. My parents spent 6 years in some sort of demented R. Toxic environment ensued and one of us died from it. Extreme but it is my story. Look at my tag line.

SWAT will know what is best for him and his family.

25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I"m a new poster and this is actually the post that has compelled me to respond. I've read both your thread and your WW thread…I feel for you. I'm not dealing with half of what you are, and I'm thisclose to being done. I have two small children too 5 with autism, and 2.5 years old), and the thing I've come to realize is that they (and myself) are the only ones I owe anything to. I am done 'doing' for him, he's a grown up and can deal. Your wife needs to learn to deal without someone always coming to the rescue. If things don't change, well, things won't change, ya know? Take care of yourself, find your happiness, sit back and watch. You don't have to D or R right now, just watch….it will tell you all you need to know.

I would, however, tread slowly and carefully. I'm in healthcare (RN and working towards becoming a behavior analyst for children with autism) and I am also usually pretty good at reading people, and sometimes a liar, isn't just a liar, and perhaps there is something deeper going on. You are in the drivers seat, you get to make decisions now. She was given a no questions asked marriage that she ruined, now she has to earn a marriage. Just like my 5 year old with autism, she has a temper tantrum, you ignore it. Do not reinforce that behavior by saving her/giving her attention, how she responds to that might give you a pretty clear indication of who she really is.

Hang in there and enjoy your weekend.

[This message edited by justswell at 5:48 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014 | From: VA
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Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good post justswell.


You have all the time in the world to make any life changing decisions.

Let your emotions calm down.

Let your wife focus on her self and her issues with her therapist.

You focus on you, your job and the kids.

You do not have to decide to R or D right now. Step back.

Tell your wife to work on her issues to fully understand how she could make the bad decisions she made.

Actions speak louder than words.

Let your family get back to normal so the kids are functional.

Then you and your wife can sit down and discuss your marriage as well as your future.


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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