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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My god she just doesn't get it. I'm literally at the end of my rope. Yesterday I was with the kids and took the riding. Heard OM is getting released today with a court date for mid June sentencing. So here I am triggering a bit. I mean why release him now right before the holiday. I'm a veteran and Memorial Day is to remember our fallen service members. OM has ruined my marriage, a holiday with my family, some of my friendships and most of all he has ruined me. He has changed me fundimentaly. I just want to be able to enjoy one freaking day with my family and friends. To celebrate people I knew and respected. But no OM gets released, he has been incarcerated "enough" and needs to spend time with his family. Bull f'ing shit. I have a right to feel this way right or wrong?

Bring the kids home and she starts whining about her anxiety attack and how she thinks I'm distant. No freaking shit Sherlock. I leave and go to he bar. Bad choice I know. I actually go to the bar she recently meet OM at. The bar tender is actually a very good friend of WW. She is appalled at how WW has acted and what she did. So I proceed to drink way too much. Again I know not smart or right. Bar tender says it is really late and I need to go sober up and takes my keys.

I'm drunk, really,really drunk. I call WW and want to say goodnight to the kids but it is really late and they are sleeping. Ok I get it. Then WW starts saying how worried she is and if I'm alright. All I can think "You didn't seem to care this time last year so what's the difference?" I managed to walk to the lake which is where I usually go running. Bad choice because I didn't realize how far it was being drunk and all. I get there around 5am. I was just sitting there looking out over he water for a while and fell asleep.

This is my spot. I relax here and it is a quiet place for me to think. My cellphone is dead got no battery, again not the smartest move. But I'm an adult, an Army veteran and a cop for gods sake. I think I'm capable of taking care of myself. But NOOOO, I must be depressed or hurt so she calls out the freaking cavalry. FIL finds me sitting at the lake and says WW is all upset. Boo freaking hoo.

Why can't she just understand I'm hurt and I'm angry. I look at her and one minute I want her the next I don't. It sucks and I know I'm not the only one here who is or has experienced this. I know she has joined this site and posting in WW forum. I haven't really checked out that forum since she joined. I know there are some good people there but what exactly is she learning. Nothing has changed it still is and always will be about her. I've got nothing left and I'm not sure I want to fight the inevitable anymore. I've fought long enough.

So I'm going to get through this weekend and get back to work. I've got some planning to do for the summer. The vacations are already booked and paid for so I think we will just split them. She can take the kids on one and I'll get the other. Today is not a good day and it still seems like OM has won. I always thought if you live a good and honest life, good things happen. But y'all know what? It's very true nice guys finish last and no one fights for them.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Swat))

I'm sorry, but yes... They are very selfish.

You're early in this, so I will say that it does get better.


Stop drinking. Seriously. It doesn't fix anything, and you don't need anything else to go wrong in your life. If you need to get out frustrations, work out or get a dog. I say this with love.

I found when I was going through to this stage that there was just so much drama- and you're in the midst of it, and contributing to it. Walk away when it begins.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7405 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Swat...isn't it CRAZY that these selfish, immoral, lying pigs all act the same way resulting in us gullible BS's acting the same way. When I firsst uncovered my BH infidelities, he gaslighted me into oblivion. He even NEARLY convinced me that I was insane (he was also giving me xanax w/o me knowing). I began to take photos and save EVERYTHING so I would know what I was seeing was true. Next I needed facts, dates, photoes, voice recordings because He was trying to convince my son and parents that I was lying about him.

When I was reading your post I was struck by your tactics for getting "proof" and truth. I want to thank you for letting me know that I am not unusual in my need to document the truth of my life. Your cool head and planning will benefit you in a HUGE way in court but also ultimately in your healing from that screwed excuse of a female you married.

This was a reach out to thank you and also to prop you up. You WILL survive this better than you can imagine...most important is the fact YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE. Be prepared to take a year to focus on yourself. Get enough sleep, do not drink too much, exercise every day, and make a 5 year plan for where you want to be in 2019. What you should not do is make excuses for her. Listen to her bullshit when she begins to tell you that it was YOUR fault if you had just treated her differently blah blah blah. Dont look for another woman this coming year to make you feel better...it will only make it worse. Give yourself one year of a health building bootcamp! At the end you will be HAPPILY divorced, healthier, and ready to find a new life.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One breath at a time....this roller coaster ride is not for the faint of heart...
as far as OM he's a nothing...and one thing I've learned is there are no winners...my IC told me early on that 2 people were making decisions for 3...hence the triangle...well someone is always going to be left behind....
Going backwards is useless...I think most of us on this site would like a 'do over '....but since we can't the only way out is to move forward....stay on path...we may stray off the path but don't loose site of the road...
as far as the booze well I'm afraid I've done that a few times....it makes me melancholy and sad....and then there is that rabbit hole...boom down I go...my own private pity party
And that is one lonely party!
I guess I just wanted to let you know you've been heard. From what I read from your posts I know you'll pick yourself up and shake it off and start on in forward motion.
Thanks for your service and I hope you have a meaningful memorial day.


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought if you live a good and honest life, good things happen. But y'all know what? It's very true nice guys finish last and no one fights for them.
I totally understand this feeling. I believe the same as you - live right and good things will happen. This infidelity shit is the worst way to learn that isn't always the case. Sometimes the black hats ride away with all the loot instead of paying for their crimes. And as much as that sucks, I'd rather keep riding the straight and narrow than follow their lead.

Sending you strength, SWAT, as well as my deepest gratitude for your service.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24356 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allornothing
♀ Member
Member # 42354
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I've said this to others, and now I'll say it to you: You have the right to feel whatever the hell it is you're feeling.

Enjoy your weekend, don't let thoughts of the OM take your time with your kids away from you.

You are a smart, honest, respectable man, and always will be. Hold onto that, take your time, and do what's best for you. You deserve that.

ETA: I hit submit before I was done. My brain goes faster than my fingers

[This message edited by Allornothing at 6:03 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


Me- BS 42
Him- FWH 42
Married 19 years, Together 25
Kids- 23,21,15,14
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Swat,

Guys like us go through our whole life trying to be the better man. Always rising up during conflict. Ready to help those in need. I myself refuse to look at myself as "the victim"!!! But you know what? We are victims. And that's ok. I don't even know you but I'm willing to bet you're already trying to find a way to fight back towards the guy that truly defines the man you really are. Right now we're broken, depressed, angry and sad. But this is only temporary. "This to shall pass"! We will be changed because of the decisions others have made. But my guess is you'll be a better friend, father and companion after you overcome this dark time in your life. This is only a a blip on your radar. Again, This to shall pass.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's sad to be ruined by a person that suppose to care about you. I feel that my WH and ow have changed me from the person I used to be. I just hope that eventually I will be able to trust the right person someday.
I also went drinking lastnight and noticed the more I drank the more angrier I got. Somehow that anger helps me to put more distance between me and the WH. Not saying is good for us BS to drink but it is good for me to be stronger.

I know it is very difficult for you, you are not alone in your feelings or to have to go through this. Try to enjoy your holiday and put the OM on the back burner just for a couple days. Don't let him break you like that. Or he will win. Obviously this was his intention from the beginning and he is jealous of you it seems. You're a better man than him and he knows it. Please set him aside and enjoy your family and friends don't let him take this from you to.

Last, i would like to wish you a Happy Memorial Day and thank you so very much for your service. I as a citizen greatly appreciate it! This holiday is yours!


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 95 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
justswell
♀ New Member
Member # 43432
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust me when I say that OM did not win anything. Don't let him (or her) change who you are, they do not have that power over you. You have lived with integrity, you have given second chances, you can look at yourself in the mirror each day and not feel disgust at the person looking back at you. They can not say those things about themselves, it's pitiful really.

Enjoy your kids, enjoy your vacation, and find your happiness. Who knows what the future brings, but bad things happen to good people all the time. I have one thing in my back pocket and it's called karma, it usually all comes full circle one way or another, just keep putting the good out there.

[This message edited by justswell at 6:42 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: May 2014 | From: VA
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT
I‘m not going to pull any punches…

See my tagline?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

SWAT – it’s your choice to go get drunk and feel all sorry for yourself.
You really need to get that focus back you had some days/weeks ago.

This problem won’t leave. It won’t disappear. YOU need to work yourself out of infidelity. Taking time off and drinking too much won’t solve anything. It might give you time to think things, but after a certain time you need to start on working on how to progress.

Start working on the issues. Start looking deep to decide what you want and how to progress. DO NOT REMAIN IN INFIDELITY – with or without your wife.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm capable of taking care of myself. But NOOOO, I must be depressed or hurt

You are hurt and you may very well be depressed. For your sake please watch out for yourself. For all that has gone wrong for the good guy, it could still get worse, so please take care of yourself. Don't let your actions compound things.

Now Bigger (who I think is one of the wisest here) makes some great points. No matter what has happened you have to deal with the infidelity. It doesn't disappear. You can't put it in a box on the shelf. Whether you stay married or divorce, there is healing that you will need to work through.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51417 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice but know that I understand..
Let your WW know in no uncertain terms that you are not to be bothered when you go to your quiet place on the lake (drunk or sober) to sit / walk and think...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:41 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My god she just doesn't get it.

Absolutely right, she doesn't and can't. She can empathize, but she will never comprehend the level of hurt she has caused.

Bring the kids home and she starts whining about her anxiety attack and how she thinks I'm distant

Remember when I told you it took my FWW 8 months to figure out the difference between remorse and regret? It's not something that most WS *get* right away.

Bad choice I know

K, quit making bad choices. Drinking only numbs the pain. The only way through (in a healthy way) is to feel it. The saying around here is *if you can't feel it, you can't heal it*. It's true.

But I'm an adult, an Army veteran and a cop for gods sake. I think I'm capable of taking care of myself.

Gonna call you out. You were drunk. Really? Ever hear that excuse before? You said yourself,* bad choice*, don't defend it now. Not saying she was right in calling down the thunder, but, bad choice.

I know she has joined this site and posting in WW forum. I haven't really checked out that forum since she joined. I know there are some good people there but what exactly is she learning. Nothing has changed it still is and always will be about her. I've got nothing left and I'm not sure I want to fight the inevitable anymore.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to fight or not. Everyone's *deal breaker* is different. When you have hit yours, that's up to you. Point here is more that she is trying. Whether or not that's enough... . Change doesn't happen overnight, it takes(yep, you guessed it) time.

I've fought long enough.

If you have, you have my full support in deciding to D. One thing I would respectfully ask though is to quit drinking for two weeks. Focus on you. Decide then, no matter which way you go, I will still have your back. (I went without, after a couple of benders, for a year).

Strength brother. Read bigger again. Pretty wise dude.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Swat, I'm sorry. I know how painful this time is, but it really does get better.
(((Swat70)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
identitylost
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone warns newbies of the roller coaster. You can hear the term, and acknowledge it but you don't have any clue how much it f@%kin sucks until you are in the midst of it and that initial shock starts wearing off.

You are there now, unfortunately, and will have these back and forth feelings and emotions for awhile (be prepared and just know this is normal and you will get through it). You will likely go through all the stages of grief as well, read about them so you are prepared. Sometimes you may feel all of them in a course of a day. It's a lot of fun. (She says sarcastically).

Your WW may be doing more than you are noticing, but maybe it doesn't feel that way because this was a deal breaker? Sometimes it is, and no one can blame you if that ultimately is the conclusion you come to. If that is the case, no matter what she does it won't feel like enough.

Focus on you and your healing. Be healthy and just try not to self sabotage your recovery.


Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2012
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing has changed it still is and always will be about her. I've got nothing left and I'm not sure I want to fight the inevitable anymore. I've fought long enough.

I get the frustration. The light doesn't seem to have turned on yet. She seems to genuinely want to make this better, but she doesn't seem to have the first clue about true partnership.


Today is not a good day and it still seems like OM has won. I always thought if you live a good and honest life, good things happen. But y'all know what? It's very true nice guys finish last and no one fights for them.

No. I don't agree with this. OM's career is gone. OM's former co-workers think he's a tool. He did all of this for a woman who made a huge mistake, but isn't his, shouldn't be his and won't be his.

You won. I don't know what you won, exactly, but if it works out, you have a wife and a family. Maybe the light will turn on for her. If it doesn't - and I hate to say this because it comes only after a couple of years of feeling the same way you do right now - you still have your kids and maybe you get to start over with someone better. I certainly did.

And you kept your integrity. Which you of all people, having chosen law enforcement, know means a hell of a lot.

Anyway, nice guys don't finish last. People who complain about nice guys finishing last finish last.

What's up with FIL supporting this drama? Getting a slightly better picture of wife through that anecdote.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to apologize for my rant earlier. I will admit that I'm angry at the world right now. But I'm more angry at myself. I'm the one that choose to put myself out there. I'm the one that choose to let her get close. I really believed she would always have my back. I was wrong and there isn't anything I can do about that. The drinking isn't an issue I can promise you. I just had to blow of some steam. I want to thank you all for letting me vent. It is difficult for me because she is why I'm so angry but at the same time I don't want to hurt her in any way.

My getting drunk is not normal for me and I can see why she was worried. I'm trying to get past what she has done but it is so painful. I try not to dwell on some things but it just seems so unfair. No matter what happens I suffer. I leave and I'm a part time father. I stay and I have years of doubt and possible suffering. I know I can deal with either scenario eventually. It is just going to take me some time. It's like I tell rookies. This isn't like COPS. Where in a half an hour you have arrested three bad guys and gotten in a pursuit. Cases take time and so will this.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is difficult for me because she is why I'm so angry but at the same time I don't want to hurt her in any way.

To which I would add - and you love her.

It sucks. I have been there. One minute they are the woman you love, the next they are the ones who took everything from you.

What my wife had trouble understanding was that I just wanted some peace sometime. Just let me be for a while. When the light went on for my wife it was almost worse than it was before it went it on. She was trying so hard. She just couldn't let me be. It would REALLY piss me off. She got better - she learned to read when to leave me be and when not to. But until she did at times her endless therapy shit drove me crazy.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 141 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
identitylost
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be mad at yourself about doing what you are supposed to do in a marriage. You were married! You were supposed to let her in and trust she had your back. She blew that up...not you. What, were you supposed to be a closed off prick of a husband?

The rest of your post is 100% correct. You are allowed to be angry with her, yet still love her.

It is completely and utterly unfair.

And you will loose something no matter what the outcome. We all do. But you can gain during this time as well...just takes some distance and perspective to know what that positive is.


Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, no matter whether you leave our stay, just remember this-

You can be as much as a dad as you want to be. I work full time as a nurse, so with 12 hour shifts I have 50-50 custody. I am a much better dad now, and I am the stable one for the kids. My former BIL is a police officer with joint custody as well.

Just letting you know that whatever you do, you can be the dad you want to be. I'm not with them every day, but I talk to them every day, and I am a partner in decisions that are made when they aren't in my custody.

Even if you feel like a broken piece of shit, keep up on your time with your kids. You will not regret it.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
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