Seriously though I'm at a place right now that their opinion doesn't matter. They aren't my friends they are co workers and as long as they do their jobs and what is asked of them I can live with it.
Well, I am still here. The pain is still here but not as intense most of the time. So, I just wanted to say that I knew where you were coming from. I am glad you didn't progress as far as I did. Your children need you and you are the model they need to fashion themselves after. I am glad I didn't succeed. I have three wonderful grown daughters and 4 granddaughters I want to be here for. The IC really helped me. I never, ever thought I would be suicidal. I had so much to live for - such a good life. But there you are. The C that got me through that period wasn't going to be a very good one for the rest of my therapy so I no longer go to him.
I also attend a support group called BAN (Beyond Affairs Network). They have chapters in many American cities. The one I go to is a two hour drive from the ranch up here in Canada but it is so worth it. As has been said many times, no one knows or understands what it is like unless they have been likewise afflicted.
I am pulling for you. Your WW may be making progress. I hope mine is but a lot of days I don't know. Whatever the outcome for you, I wish you the best.
They are the guys that you think of when you picture cops and doughnuts.
Kind of underlines the statement "Misery loves company." Just think of that every time you see these "winners".
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:45 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
most of all he has ruined me.
I know this is from a few pages back, but I just wanted to say this is completely untrue.
If OM had ruined you, you wouldn't be here working this shit out and making plans to take care of you and the kids. You'd be cowering in a corner somewhere begging your wife to come back at all costs, no matter the price to you.
I can see you're in a period of real indecision. Take your time here. This shit is real and the decision will be with you always.
We've got your back either way.
Re: opening up in IC. I'm a blabber mouth when I get in there. I figure the more info the IC has, the faster shit gets handled. I tell it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the shit no one should have to hear you say out loud. I have yet to have one be surprised it shocked by anything.
Your IC can handle it. Let those flood gates open up so she can do her job.
As my late father said: You know what they call that in the Russian Army? Tough shitski.
Here's what I think: there is no true loyalty between people like this. Their glue is shallow envy and ignorance and following, not loyalty to each other. One or two of them are probably simply following the pack out of simple weakness. This one or two will eventually be unable to ignore the FACT that you are the one with character and these guys are petty - and he or they will start to come around to your corner. Then expect some discontent with the others when they lose a "member" or two. But who knows, let's hope they all come around, this stuff is still pretty brand new in the gossip circles I'm sure, and OM is probably spreading around a whole 'nothing story. People will eventually get bored with it.
I have, fortunately, never had to deal with a situation where I couldn't extract myself from the OP and their ilk. That's totally gotta suck!!
Given enough time, even the juiciest of gossip is forgotten, loyalties are realigned, people come and go..
Before you know it you are the only senior original person on your unit..happened to me anyway, lol
Let me give a true story that happened on my job...
On my unit, 3 or 4 years ago, this coworker of mine surprised the crap out of all of us nurses and doctors..
Mind you this is a busy trauma ICU with doctors, family members, vendors, clergy present at any given time..
My coworker's normal behavior was somewhat unfriendly and a bit immature for a social worker..
He was not very approachable by the nurses on our unit, we considered him a jerk..
I will assign him the letter J as his name for the rest of this story..
Well, on this day, let's say J was in an unusually happy and exuberant mood..
J and one of my nurse friends ( let's call her P) were standing at the nurse's desk, talking about something on a computer screen.....She later confided in me that the conversation wasn't job related, they were just joking with each other...
All of a sudden J grabbed P from under her armpits and lifted her up several feet off of the ground..Many of us became aware of the commotion when we heard P scream in surprise..
J wouldn't put P down right away..When he finally did let her go she was furious..
P asked for an apology but J refused to apologize..He told her that "she couldn't take a joke"
P gave him several days to apologize..When he didn't, she wrote him up for unprofessional behavior..
For the next year or so there was tension and friction whenever J was in the unit..
With the passage of time and the turnover of new nurses, however, J was finally able to relax.. Many of the people who had witnessed or were affected by this incident were either already gone ( like P and I), or else they considered it water under the bridge..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:25 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]
Get home where I should be happy. What do I see, but my cheating wife. I just couldn't get past it yesterday. I wanted to. I really wanted to just go home and have things the way they used to be. I'm trying to not be harsh and I know WW was only trying to find out what was wrong and wanted to help. She tries to say and do things to help me. But it just seems no matter what happens we can't get on the same page. I'm not even sure that makes sense but its the best I can describe it right now.
I'm struggling right now and it is difficult to even properly express what exactly I'm feeling. It's not possible for me to describe it. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this crap but I am. I think I just need a day off of the ride.
This afternoon is my kids first therapy appointment. I'm hoping it goes well but am unsure. Daughter and middle boy seem to be doing okay and I'm hoping it will help with any questions they have. For the most part we have been able to shelter them from this mess.
what you are feeling is normal. its a reaction to serious trauma. these kinds of days, triggers, and feelings will persist for a long, long time. its one of the "advantages" of having been tramautized by infidelity. if you werent experiencing this it would be the exception rather than the rule.
dont think you are crazy. this is just the way it is.
some of the posters who went through this longer ago than you or i say that the feelings get softer over time, come less and less, and some say they havent had them in a long time. that day cant come soon enough for me, it gives me hope that others that have been through this have managed to achieve some normalcy in their lives. take their experiences and let them give you hope too.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I tried for 6 YEARS to "get over" my exWH infidelity. I divorced him after a 20 year marriage, a life together full of awesome experiences and 3 gorgeous children. I left not just him, but his family which I still love dearly (the pain they felt at losing "a daughter" was also so sad ). We had money, a great life, wonderful family. I know he loved me, not the bitch employee whom I discovered he was in a years long relationship with, and I believed her really did regret the day he ever set eyes on her.
I did NOT want to let go of my husband and the life around him. But I just COULDN'T get past it. Not WOULDNT, I could not. I spent years triggering, counseling, watching, wondering if it was happening again, pissed, feeling like a fool, going back and forth into detective mode. He tried, in his own way, to keep me. I had boxes of records of their phone calls, cards she had given him, etc. I would get literally sick when I thought of him and her. Finally, after 6 years, I was done. I remember the day I finally threw out all of those boxes. I never thought I'd be able to do that. My WH was SHOCKED, belive it or not, that I was done. He begged me to stay, cried (a man who I only saw cry when his father died), literally got on his knees (very out of character, he was stoic, low emotions, normally). But the infidelity was too much. the FREEDOM I felt was astounding. No more triggers. right now, if I ran into that OW, I can honestly say I would feel NOTHING. I can't even explain what a huge sense of freedom that is for me, after so many years of her influence over my emotions and life.
I'm in a position of betrayal again, with my current WH. But I know I can get over him if I have to, I did before.
We've been divorced several years now. I don't hate him for what he did, I do regret putting myself through 6 yrs of that, when I really knew in my heart pretty early that I would NEVER be able to get past that betrayal.
Anyway, this is your thread. But I wanted to share so you know, that I know EXACTLY what you feel. ALL of us do. You don't really need words or to say "I cant explain it". All you have to say is "I had a bad day today" and we all know EXACTLY what you mean.
[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 9:45 AM, May 30th (Friday)]
I really wanted to just go home and have things the way they used to be.
OH I get it, BTDT and have the scars to show. This is one it took a lot of internal battle for me to finally get. Your marriage is dead. She stuck a knife right through the heart of it and there is no going back to the way it used to be. Take it from me. I tried valiantly to remount the head horse that was my marriage. But no matter how many times I put the saddle and bridle on the horse never rode again. So keep trying to saddle up, it is a necessary process. It is frustrating and exhausting. But you need to work through the fact that things will never be the way they used to be. Eventually I got angry enough with the damn horse to bury it. I started a new marriage with my wife. One that is very different that the last. Its rewarding, but certainly not the same as the prior one. But it took along time for me to stop saying the phrase, so I get it. Wishing you a better day, focus on the now as best you can and care for yourself and your kids. Your W may be worth starting a new marriage with eventually, but for now, focus on you.
Yesterday was yet another IC day for me. I have been put on prozac 2 weeks ago. She sees a big change in me. So do I. I am now able to push away the images and thoughts and focus on me and my healing. She told me the first couple of sessions she was very concerned for me explain that I was on the edge.
This is definitely the worse pain a person can go through. It is very devastating. Feeling as though you have been violated in comparison to being raped.
It's been a year for me, I'm not thinking R and know i need to move on. My youngest has 1 more year of high school and I need to keep her focused without causing any more trauma to her. I will stay to protect her.
On a good note my son got called for a job of security for celebs. Next year wherever he is, my daughter and I will follow. But for now I need to keep her focused on good grades for college.
Finally I have a goal for the future.
Hang in there SWAT.
[This message edited by needadvise at 1:58 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
I walked in with coffee and milkshakes and the kids went kind of crazy.
Therapist said from what he sees so far they will be alright. They are strong kids and just need some reassurance. He said my boy is tough. He doesn't really know what has happened but knows I'm sad. He said he doesn't like when I'm sad. We don't play catch as much. Therapist said he just needs some time alone with each of us. He said my daughter understands a lot more and even mentioned she had heard her mommy slept with "uncle OM". But she doesn't understand the concept of what really happened. He thinks daughter just needs some assurances that we love her and will always be there for her. Obviously this is just his guess because it is the first time he has seen them. I've talked with him before because of work. He actually works with us doing abuse investigations and is really good and getting kids to open up and talk. He said that this type of therapy is not his specialty but he knows some people he could recommend if I wanted. He did say they are handling the trauma very well though and he didn't foresee any issues if we kept reassuring them and making sure they are aware of what is happening in a way they understand. He gave me some book titles to read to help with this.
All in all an okay day. I never thought my kids would never find out but I was concerned that they would feel they had to choose sides. I've seen parents put their kids in the middle of their shit and its so wrong and the kids suffer. I'm not worried WW would do this though. Her family won't allow it. SIL works with kids as well and they would kill her if she did anything to put the kids in the middle or use them to hurt me.
I want to apologize for some of my recent novels as they tend to ramble. Working nights and dealing with this mess leaves me a little sleep deprived so I tend to run on and maybe not make the most sense. Sorry.
Donít worry about the length of your posts. You are communicating fine. Your message comes across.
One final thoughtÖ
I get your anger and frustration at the constant reminders like meeting OMís sister. Itís also totally fine and to be expected that you arenít constantly certain about R or always willing to be positive towards your wife. ButÖ remember that the OMís, the OMís sister or any other personís actions arenít within the scope or control of your wife. Yes Ė it was her affair but from my understanding then sheís doing work to amend for that. Itís your decision to work towards R. By all means donít suppress your negative feelings but consider trying to find ways to communicate them, their sources and the reasons to your wife. Even consider having an understanding where you can use a phrase that lets her know you are in a certain funk and her best reaction would be to simply allow you to be in your funk.
When we divorced my kids were 12,12,10, and 8. When they visited XH on his weekend he was sleeping with ow. My youngest had no knowledge of sex. So she thought they were sleeping and that was ok because when she got scared she'd sleep with daddy.
When she found out what sleeping actually meant - she was not happy with XH.
I figured I would give you a heads up. The kids counselor helped DD and I navigate this blip. XH was clueless as he didn't like the therapist.
I'm keeping your family in my prayers.
This is hard stuff, but each day you get through it, you get a little surer about being able to handle it. If you can handle this most other things in life are a cake walk. Yeah, I faltered sometimes, ok a lot of times, but I got back up and tried again. Like you said keep going on. Failure isn't the lack of success one time. Failure is giving up and not willing to try.
As far as going back . . .I would have sold my soul to get my old life back and make it so none of this ever happened. Again, normal in our situations. Don't entertain things that aren't possible. You need to live in reality as much as you can. It helps your mental health. Yearning for things that will never happen inevitably lead to disappointment and sadness. Just remind yourself thst it isn't possible.
Bluntly, you have to let the old life go. Let it die a merciful death, all attempts to save it just prolong suffering. Different doesn't mean bad, it just means different. As time passed you will see the old M was not as great as you made it out to be. You look back and are glad you are not living that life anymore because the new life is so great.
The new life and the unknowns can be scary. Mastering that was hard for me. The most helpful thing I realized was that I had an open book, I had a reason, dare I say an excuse, to live the life I always wanted to have. (I shouldn't need an excuse to be happy was a key insight as well)
With some time past and consistency from my W (I call her my W she does not like the label WW or FWW.) I am in good place. I have my moments, but I have learned through a lot of practice to deal with them. As much as I wanted my W to fix me, it was on me. She screwed her life up for sure, but mine is alright. I feel a little pity for the mess she created. In the beginning it helps to listen to the consequences she experiences. Most of them are very internal and almost existential. It may take time for her to be able to express them in way you can understand. The pain she feels any time you hurt is her consequence. Don't be afraid to express that to her. After all it is her burden to carry. It is NOT yours. (capitalized for emphasis not shouting)
Great job with the kids. Love them like nothing else. When you feel sad focus on them. It really helps. Let them cheer you up once and awhile. Even fake it for their benefit. Just seeing them light up can lighten your mood.
A good book I read to my kids when I was sad was was the whatever the weather we go together book. I can't remember the name, but if you google it you'll find it.
Take care. Trust me when I say anyway this goes, what your are feeling now does have an end and it does get better.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Again Bigger is very wise.
You need to communicate with your WW.
Even if you are pissed about the affair and all the mess it has brought into your families life.
Good first steps with the kids SWAT. Hmmmm. Are you having that catch with your son right now?
I want to apologize for some of my recent novels as they tend to ramble.