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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT))) I'm so sorry. She's an idiot to have thrown away a chance to make things right with you.

Like Tred, I am in the DC area if you need a friend IRL this weekend. You gave me some real support here on the forums, and I would be happy to return the favor.

Please be safe, and keep your kids in mind with every decision you make. You and they deserve the best right now.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT.

“It’s not what you think” is probably correct if you thought this was in any way intended as anything romantic or sexual. The location is too public and your WW’s affair is common knowledge. I’m guessing there was some non-romantic reason for their meet.
But… having said that then it’s undeniably a break in your conditions.
I am willing to bet money on you getting the “we needed to settle things” speech.

Look SWAT – I have referred again and again to what I expect is your professional experience. You must have dealt with addicts… I know dozens that thought they had controlled their issues. People that would walk with friends into a bar with no intention of drinking, then “only” having one beer… Then bang! It’s all over.

That’s the danger of your wife going “only to talk” with OM.
MAYBE – just maybe this was the final talk. But maybe it would lead to another meeting. Maybe a final kiss. Maybe a short stop in the back-seat of his car. Whatever… She willingly took this major risk to your marriage.

Frankly SWAT these relapses are extremely common. In fact I was thinking that MAYBE you would be one of the first cases here on SI where the NC commitment would be respected from day one. If this is your deal-breaker then that’s OK. That’s totally your call.
But it’s still a recoverable situation if you want it to be so. But DEFINITELY this is a major setback to any hopes of recovery.

Like I say – It’s totally your call. No matter what we will support you.

And SWAT - OM doesn't "win" - It's your WW that is losing.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
lbuzz
♀ Member
Member # 43164
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I didn't mean to imply that SWAT owed her anything or that it was ok to lie. Of course it wasn't. She shouldn't have met with the other man for any reason.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think you should at least hear them out, even just your brother-in-law by phone. She may be trying to convince the OM it's over in person. I don't know what her part of the emails say, and of course she lied about where she was. However, it might be that there is a purpose that you don't know. This happened in my situation, and it sucked, but it really was my husband attempting to stop the OW from continually badgering him without further hurting me.

It doesn't matter what she says her reasons may be, she lied. She lied about where she was, she lied about talking to the OM, and she WENT TO MEET THE OM.

She could have been getting a million in cash and his severed penis in a Big Bite container to bring home to SWAT, it does not matter. She should have spoken truth, nothing but truth and informed him of any and every interaction she had with that guy - and those should all have been one sided.

There is never a good reason to lie to your spouse. Never. I expect whatever your own husband told you about that meeting was also a lie to cover his ass. SWAT should do exactly what he is doing - talk to his lawyer.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7566 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
lbuzz
♀ Member
Member # 43164
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course there isn't ever a good reason to lie. Of course not. That is not what I'm implying in any way.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Ibuzz, I didn't mean it to sound like that's what you said. I got a bit overzealous.

Bigger has a lot of good advice and good perspective there SWAT.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7566 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with Bigger. My wife did the same thing, in the bar for one last time to talk. I have no idea if it was or not, it was something she admitted to me.

But it was one more lie.

When do the lies ever stop, that is the real problem.

And why the need for face to face one last time, that is commonly read on SI. I have wondered why face to face in a bar. Always.


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J - sorry

ibuzz, I have no doubt you have the absolute best of intentions, and that's extremely admirable. Really, you seem to have a very good heart.

Please keep in mind, we've seen this hundreds of times. The "I just needed to see them to end things" or "I wanted to make sure that he/she would leave us alone." or "We just needed to say goodbye" or whatever other utterly reprehensible rationale a cheater uses to go see their lover one last time. That's all it ever really is, you know. Just an excuse. You claim your H did this - and he couldn't have, very sternly over the phone, told her he was going to make his marriage work and to go away? He couldn't have said if she harassed him, or you, in any way, he would have a restraining order issued? Of course he could. He wanted to see her again, and he went.

It seems like you've worked through that episode, and if that's what you wanted to do, then I'm the first in line to say congratulations, and I'm very happy for you both that R is going well.

But (you knew there was a but in here somewhere, right?) trying to convince someone that 'one last meeting' is necessary, ever, for any reason, is trying to convince them that it's ok that their WS went to see their lover 'one last time'. It's not acceptable, ever. There are lots of ways to get the point across without the in person, overly dramatic good bye. Too may WSs choose to continue with the selfishness and come up with some lame reasoning. There is never a need for a meeting. What SWATs wife did, meeting him, lying, getting emails all night and not saying anything to SWAT - these things are disgusting. They really are. You discuss going off the deep end. SWAT has been at this for longer since February 14th. He keeps getting smacked in the face at every turn. This one finally showed him that enough was enough.

I really do think you have a good heart - but if you keep giving the benefit of the doubt to active cheaters, you're going to get burned a lot. Cheaters will take advantage of anyone that will let them, and they think they're entitled to do whatever they want. With some, this just never ends until the BS ends it. That's what SWAT has said needs to happen now. I fully support him in that decision.

EDIT: ibuzz - this wasn't an attack on you - at all. I thought maybe some light on why your idea was being met with such negative thoughts might help you is all. I can't speak for everyone here, but I believe I've captured the general idea of what's going on here. Please, don't take any of this personally. Everyone here wants the best for SWAT, including you. Differences of opinion happen.

Have a happy Mother's Day!!

[This message edited by painfulpast at 6:06 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We should keep a few things in mind...

We don't know what happened, we just know that it looks really bad. And the lying about her whereabouts part is bad no matter what the story about the meeting turns out to be. But they were in a public place, not in a hotel room. This is far from the worst set of facts we've seen on SI.

We don't know what the BIL has to say. It might be important, might not be anything. My BIL was a great source of support to me after my WW's affair came to light. He was definitely on my side. This BIL may or may not have something useful to offer.

Waywards are messed up. Faulty thinking, low morals, and bad choices are what caused them to become waywards in the first place. It's why we have a site with tens of thousands of members dedicated to surviving the shit storm they brought into our lives. But whatever the true story turns out to be, you can bet there are betrayeds on this site who have forgiven worse behavior, and there are waywards who have since earned an "f" who made similar or worse choices in the aftermath of D Day.

There are three children to consider here. Their intact home is in extreme danger of collapse right now.

I think correctly pointing out that this is screwed-up behavior that needs to be dealt with severely is proper. That could mean divorce, it could mean a setback in R. But that's SWAT's choice to make, and right now he's in no condition to be making life-altering choices. Calling her a whore and bitch and advocating immediate divorce isn't very helpful to SWAT right now IMO.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I am so sorry that WW proved once again that she can't be trusted. You are not a fool though. She is an idiot who doesn't deserve you.

And for her to say that it's not what you think??? Pul-leaze!!!! She met OM behind your back and lied to cover it up. Nothing justifies breaking NC after everything that OM did to you and your family. Nothing justifies continuing to lie to you.

I hope DC provides you with the space and distraction that you need. I hope your WW is decent enough to let you go gracefully, but I somehow doubt that will be the case. Keep us updated.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many fuckfests start out in a bar? None, right? Not trying to inflame, but there is no good reason. None.

As far as a second second chance, sure many BS's do give them. I am sure sometimes it actually does work out.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT is absolutely allowed to decide to be done right this instant. And his title says it all.

We are just supporting his decision.

If he changes it later, I will certainly support that too.

But this isn't a one off decision - its based on her behavior for months.

I think it is really unfair of the people telling him to reconsider his decision, or not decide now, or give WW or BIL the time of day.

He just has to take care of him right this second.

Not anyone else.

The guilt trips about the kids, the BIL etc have got to stop. Everyone will be fine for his preplanned trip to DC.

I for one support his decisions, as stated in his thread - and of course will support any revisions thereto.

I'd ask that the other members not second guess him or tell him not to make a decision right now (except about leaving the house - that makes sense) and rather ACCEPT what he has written and support him.

He decided he was done. He read those emails planning the meeting up (and god knows what they did before the bar - or in the bar). He has the right to be done. Please don't add more to his plate by putting YOUR own experiences on top of his. That's all I'm saying.

Painfulpast said it above too.

(((SWAT)))) Tons of support - hang in there.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think correctly pointing out that this is screwed-up behavior that needs to be dealt with severely is proper. That could mean divorce, it could mean a setback in R. But that's SWAT's choice to make, and right now he's in no condition to be making life-altering choices. Calling her a whore and bitch and advocating immediate divorce isn't very helpful to SWAT right now IMO.

Saying he should stay for the children isn't helpful either. His wife is a LIAR.

SWAT said he was done. If he changes his mind, that will be supported too. But again - the guilt trips aren't needed. He's been at this for nearly 3 months. Enough is enough.

His wife IS a bitch for doing this. She can change - but today, she is absolutely a bitch.

What others have done or not done is NOT the issue here. Using that rationale, no one should divorce unless a vote is taken, and they have the absolute worst story. I'm not even sure where you're going with that.

And what is BIL going to say? That it's ok for WS to meet her boyfriend in a bar and lie to her husband? Come on. His wife is garbage - there is no denying that.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sal:
This is far from the worst set of facts we've seen on SI. We don't know what the BIL has to say.
We don't know anything.

I completely understand SWAT's being totally fed up with the situation. It is all about his putting in a ton of work for R and getting over the complete shock of an affair, only to be lied to again.

Level headed thoughts are needed, I for one did not keep a level head when I went through this same thing as excuses like closure, one more time to talk, etc.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 6:32 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - feel free to ignore all the back and forth above. We seriously all have your best interest at heart.

How are you holding up?

Is WW still texting you? Are you in DC?

I hope you do reach out to the two SI members that are near DC. Feel free to reach out to us online too as much as you need to.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying he should stay for the children isn't helpful either. His wife is a LIAR.

I know she's a liar, I made that perfectly clear in not one but two posts.

Show me where I said he should "stay for the children." That's not what I said. It seems to me that some of you are advocating for immediate divorce. SWAT and wife do not live on an island by themselves, there are others involved. That gets lost sometimes in the cry for swift and immediate action. I just correctly pointed out that there are three children to consider, and that's always the case whether he ends up divorcing or not. That would argue against rash decisions.

His wife IS a bitch for doing this. She can change - but today, she is absolutely a bitch.

Indeed. You think SWAT needs you telling him that. I bet he's used a lot worse names to describe her than that.

What others have done or not done is NOT the issue here. Using that rationale, no one should divorce unless a vote is taken, and they have the absolute worst story. I'm not even sure where you're going with that.

Then I'll try to help you see where I'm going. My point is that these things are not always as grim and final as they seem. For all we know that's the case here. Maybe it's actually worse than we know - they hit the bar right after a romp in the local hotel. Whatever the facts turn out to be, I hope SWAT finds his answers.

His wife is garbage - there is no denying that.

The mother of his 3 children is garbage because she's a foggy wayward, huh? Is that a permanent condition, or something she can one day hope to recover from? Whatever he decides to do, I hope his head is clear and he has a little time to reflect before he decides to take her out to the trash can.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:36 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ((swat)) what a while stinking pile of crap you just had land in your lap.

I'm really sorry to read about this...

Just know you've got heaps of friends here at SI thinking of you.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show me where I said he should "stay for the children." That's not what I said. It seems to me that some of you are advocating for immediate divorce. SWAT and wife do not live on an island by themselves, there are others involved. That gets lost sometimes in the cry for swift and immediate action. I just correctly pointed out that there are three children to consider, and that's always the case whether he ends up divorcing or not. That would argue against rash decisions.

You've implied, here again, that he should be giving another chance, and stated the children are 'dangerously close' to being from a broken home. That is certainly implying that he should be sticking around and putting up with a continual liar because he has children. I wish his wife weren't bent on cheating and lying, but she is. No one deserves that.


His wife IS a bitch for doing this. She can change - but today, she is absolutely a bitch.
Indeed. You think SWAT needs you telling him that. I bet he's used a lot worse names to describe her than that.

NO, but I bet he's aware that he has kids too. If we aren't going to say what SWAT already knows, well, you see where I'm going.

Then I'll try to help you see where I'm going. My point is that these things are not always as grim and final as they seem. For all we know that's the case here. Maybe it's actually worse than we know - they hit the bar right after a romp in the local hotel. Whatever the facts turn out to be, I hope SWAT finds his answers.

That isn't what you said. You didn't say this might not be what it seems. You said that others have forgiven worse. Totally separate. Regarding how grim it is - she was emailing with her boyfriend from the second SWAT left. She lied about being home when really she was out having drinks with her boyfriend. That's pretty grim.


The mother of his 3 children is garbage because she's a foggy wayward, huh? Is that a permanent condition, or something she can one day hope to recover from? Whatever he decides to do, I hope his head is clear and he has a little time to reflect before he decides to take her out to the trash can.

Having children does NOT make a woman a saint. Yes, she is garbage. She was, just an hour ago, having drinks with her boyfriend while telling her husband she was home cleaning. GARBAGE. Foggy wayward? Seriously, you make it sound like she has a disease. She's behaving like garbage. Yes, the mother of his children is garbage!

Yes, she can change. Right now, she's not worth knowing. I don't care how many children she has. Why do people always fall on that? "The mother of his children" - so what? That meant nothing to her, but it should mean something to me? Nope, not in my world.

Your sarcasm at the end is noted. SWAT made his decision long before anyone here posted a thing. He wants OUT of the marriage. Again, if he changes his mind, I'll support him 100%. Right now, I'm supporting him in his current decision. Why you've chosen to support the wife, foggy wayward, mother of his children, garbage, however we'd like to refer to her, is your choice to make.

I honestly didn't want to argue with you or anyone else. I support SWAT 100%. I think what his wife did TODAY is disgusting. I hope she snaps out of it, but she seems to think the more chances she gets, the more she can disrespect SWAT. That is sad, for all involved, but I fully understand why SWAT has decided to leave, and once more, I fully support that decision.

SWAT has left, so I'll be backing out of the thread now. Have a great night all!! :)


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SWAT))))


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT)))

I'm sorry. And SHE loses.

I noticed Tred made an offer a couple of pages back- you should contact him while you're in DC.


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
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