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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. How have you and the kids been doing? Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is gonna be short and sweet. OM does win. When you see naked pictures of your wife on co workers phones and you find her diary of the affair and she LOVED every minute of it and she thinks your a tool, that means he won.

I want to thank y'all for trying to help me get through this. I wish those of you just starting out the best of luck and to those that stood by me you have my gratitude.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - We're not going anywhere. What you just described sounds like pure hell. Did you just find all this today?

Hang in there. Vent it out. We've got your back.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25691 | Registered: Aug 2011
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing to vent. I showed her everything and blew up then begged her to sign the papers. She did so I'm done. I'm gonna take care of my kids and she can drop off the face of the earth for all I care.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SWAT.. do what you've gotta do, whats right for you, right now.

there are heaps of people who have your back here and are genuinely interested in helping you.

There are folks down in the Divorce forum who are really supportive. If you feel the need, reach out.

Onwards and upwards


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this sucks mightily, but you are avoiding a lot more agony by filing now. And for what it's worth, OM does not fit my definition of a winner. "Creep" is the word I would probably use.

Sorry for your crappy day. I'm glad you have the kids to concentrate on. Stay the course; it does get better...just not right away.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I'm sorry. Really, I am.

I am not pushing you one way or the other. What you are describing is *part and parcel* of an affair. It's not easy to accept, nor is it in any way *fair*. But, ultimately, she had an affair.

She did and said things that go beyond anything a reasonable man should be expected to accept. The why lies outside any comprehension that *we* conceivably would have.

That said, why am I responding? Well, TT is fairly common. Whether to protect herself or you(how f'd up is that) is not that unusual. Moving to a position of total honesty ain't easy. CYA is the easy *go to* position. Breaking that habit is hard to do instantly.

Another choice is compartmentalization. A lot of my FWW's early answers were IDK or IDR.(I don't know, I don't remember). POSER in my case was a slimeball that began doing her when she was 12 or 13, he was 17 or 18. Never said he loved her til they reconnected on FB, then she was the love of her life. Hell, they even talked about what room my son would live in. It was something that, to this day, she claims would never have happened. The sex was something to keep him interested. She never would have followed through but..... Still wrapping my head around that.

My point is more along the lines of you are still discovering details of her past affair. The fact that she concealed this from you could easily be the last straw. I get that. The A was a dealbreaker that I needed to find a way around. The TT was icing on the cake.

It took 8 months for complete remorse for my WW. (no more TT, complete honesty) It's not easy to turn your life completely around.

Again, stick around. Whether D or R, we've got your back.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2974 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM does win.

Nope. He does not and here is why:

1. He got locked up for being a drunken psycho
2. He lost his job and probably wrecked his career
3. I as well as others would think a lot less of a person who circulates nude photos of a friend/colleague's loved one

Nobody wins in this situation. If anything you get more clarity as to who these people are. The clarity you need to move toward a healthy life. They are the ones who are stuck in a fog of self induced crap.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry SWAT. While I do think she's fucked up and recognizes it, some things are too much to forgive. I don't think I could forgive what she did.

I really am sorry.

do you think she's so fucked up she'll go back to the OM? I hope not for her sake.

make sure her family sees the journal and the pictures. that way they understand why you left.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:21 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her family knows about the diary and the pictures. I will not actually show them. That isn't right even under these circumstances.

I told her she should go to OM. That way her sexual desires can be fulfilled. But if he goes anywhere near my kids she will have a war on her hands. She can cry and whine all she wants. Since I can't fulfill her needs she can get them filled where ever she wants.

I refuse to be her scapegoat and I won't be anyone's second choice.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to be her scapegoat and I won't be anyone's second choice.

my feelings precisely.

I do believe that her journal was fantasy. and the fact that all of your coworkers have naked pictures of her on their phone, i don't know how you can get over that. Granted, it was OM that passed them around. He really is your enemy. Do not ever think that he is even remotely a friend.

I think you need to be concerned about suicide. Please watch her. I know it's not fair that you, the person who's been hurt, has to be responsible. But I think this has got to be devastating, humiliating, shame inducing, and demoralizing for her. I don't believe she is evil. I just think she's very immature.


ETA - What I find so sad about this situation is that it appears that you both wanted to R. You both love each other. I know that you loved her dearly. i have been reading her threads, and I believe that it's YOU that she wants. She can't fake that. It's real. The things you recently discovered are from the past. things she did and wrote over a year ago. She is/was a very immature person who needed attention. Ask yourself, what kind of person writes that drivel about sexual fantasies in a journal? But she's trying to work on it. She is. it's obvious. I really think that she chooses YOU.

However, I know a man can only take so much.


you, your family, and even sosorry17 are in my thoughts and prayers. May you both find peace.

[This message edited by mike7 at 3:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Swat)))))))

The problem with divorcing a WS, the issues that betrayal exposed us to - doesn't go away.

My waywards (yes plural) affairs brought huge amounts of pain into my life. Getting rid of them didn't get rid of the pain or the introspection that has come along since the last one decided to betray me.

The work on you continues whether your together or not. Continue that so you can show your kids what a healthy man, dad is.

Stick around- we get it, unfortunately.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to read this Swat.

The affair was fantasy and so was this talk is nonsense. This is brutally real. And you held it in your hands.

Yes, TT is common. It does NOT mean that since its part of the affair rollercoaster that you have to accept it. Your wife has been putting on a show since DDay. Her actions, with you, her family, and posting here, all for show.

The only thing your wife has been consistent about is putting herself before anyone else. And that she chose OM. She chose him while you were lying near death in the hospital, while she kept secret their communication after DDay, when she met with him at the bar, and now this. Bad enough she wrote that crap - worse that she kept it.

You need to get off the crazy train, Swat. People are right, the pain wont go away because of a divorce decree. But it will help your personal healing because you wont be trying to rebuild a marriage in the face of the non-stop lies.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
SunshineSoul
♀ Member
Member # 43374
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading your story, and just want to say I wish you the best. You seem remarkably self-aware, and don't deserve the shit-storm that your WW brought into your life.

*hugs*


Me = BS, 36
Him = WH, 42
2 beautiful kids: 6yo & 11 month old.
Married since 2001, together since 1998.
Dday = Feb 20, 2014.

It's just not that simple.


Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2014 | From: West Coast
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why would she put it on for show? That doesn't make sense. she has money, she could have left any time she wanted. why show?

I don't believe it.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SWAT. Very sorry that you went through another DDay. I'm so very sorry that you are going through that pain again. I too read a diary and have seen those painful details.

Know that I'm thinking of you and your family. I know they are your highest priority, continue to take care of those kids of yours. They will need you more than ever.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Money is irrelevant, Mike7. How many people want to be known as the person who threw away his/her family for some POS affair partner? Some cheaters dont care, some do.

Swat's wife has put forth effort to appear as the remorseful spouse who wants her family. I'm recalling the post of her display in front of the wives at Swat's house.

But we all know what she did after that.

Look, how many times do posters on infidelity boards talk about words being hollow, that it is ACTION that matters? Often. We see it here.

Well, Swat's wife has talked alot. to Swat, her family, to the WS board. But her ACTIONS have shown Swat the truth. And he just got his world blown up...AGAIN.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

Ouch. That hurts. As I have shared with you then I walked in on my fiancé having sex with OM. To me that was a blessing. It left no room for imagination because I totally saw what was going on. One thing that hurt me at the time was that she seemed to be enjoying it (well… maybe experiencing it or expressing it) a lot more than sex with me. It took me some time to realize that it wasn’t the sex as such that got her off – but rather the kick of the affair.

I’m not going to push or even nudge you towards R.
R or D – it’s always been your choice; your option to select. Each and every one of us has a breaking point and just maybe you have found yours. I do however want to offer you some thoughts to better cope:

If you can the split the present issue into two issues:
1) There is the journal. Even that issue can be split in two:
1.1 The existence of the journal is something your WW withheld from you. There can be numerous reasons for this and some of them even “understandable”. Just MAYBE your WW forgot, or thought it irrelevant. It’s the dreaded Trickle Truth.
1.2 There is the content. Look – IMHO your W and the WW are two separate beings. Your WW wrote that content. Its fantasy, it’s true at the moment of writing but not a minute before or a minute after. It’s a description of a state-of-mind that existed in her mind and nowhere else.
Just like the sounds and the scene in the bedroom made me feel inadequate before I realized that what they were doing was fantasy and what I offered was reality then you will hopefully realize (irrespective of R or D) that your WW words are not reality.

2) There are the pictures…
Oh wow… What the f@ck makes otherwise reasonably sane people snap away nudies and send to each other? I really don’t get it, especially considering exactly what has happened here… It’s so easy for OM to distribute these as has happened now. Just remember: by distributing them the OM is attacking you and your family. Those are photos of your kids mom. They will be there for a long, long time. I can totally get your anger here because it’s a problem caused by sheer stupidity and so very, very avoidable.


If you are determined to D then I suggest you calm down a bit and take a couple of days to really evaluate your position. Get a very clear financial view of your situation and set a 2-3 year goal for recovery. Try to look at the situation from a point of bleak and utter reality. There are some cold facts you need to accept; for example IF you file and divorce then it’s very unlikely that you can stipulate whom your then-ex-wife dates.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you see naked pictures of your wife on co workers phones and you find her diary of the affair and she LOVED every minute of it

I am so sorry you had to see that. My broken heart hurt for you when I read that.

You are going to take a long time to heal, but it will happen.

I am so sorry. No on deserves the pain a cheating spouse inflicts.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 608 | Registered: Mar 2003
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Swat. I literally gasped when I saw what you discovered. I am so sorry that it's come to this.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
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