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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have avoided posting on your thread but it now moves me to do so.

SWAT, you need to step back and come to a realization that all of us who have reconciled have come to terms with: affairs are ugly things and people in them do things that aren't very nice.

My wife and I have reconciled despite her doing things that you could never have imagined anyone's wife having done - and still have a marriage to come home to. You know why? Because I have come to understand that this is what happens when adults cheat on their spouses. There's no explanation that can ease the pain. There's no way to explain why. And there's no way to ease the bitter pill that we BS's have to swallow.

And don't get me wrong - I am anything but a doormat. But I saw, early on, that her actions weren't a reflection of me but rather the signs of someone struggling with emotional shortfalls. She wasn't fucking someone else to stick it to me, she was fucking someone else to validate herself.

I came to understand that reconciliation is about what she is doing NOW. How she is behaving NOW. Whether or not she is truly remorseful.

It takes a while for a WW to really begin to understand EVERYTHING that it takes to reconcile. Every possible reminder of the affair that may be a total oversight to them is an atomic bomb to us. And - still - it takes time.

I can safely say that it took my wife more than a year to completely turn herself around and figure out what it takes to save our marriage. It was a year of difficulty, heartache, arguing, give and take, and, finally, reconnection. There's no short way through it.

I am seeing in your story two people who want to be together and want to make it work. So I am asking - does what you found REALLY matter? It was a reflection of her feelings THEN.

Does it represent her feelings NOW????

Good luck.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I do not disagree with anything Life is saying in his post, the R is not something that Swat is focusing on at this exact moment. With the still relative freshness of this discovery of the A and the particulars coming forth, Swat has understandably been vacillating between R & D. His current state of mind is like Popeye's when he said he had all he could stand and "can't stands no more." Let Swat move forward with his detachment/divorce or whatever, including more vacillation if that is what he needs.

Swat can always change course down the road depending on many factors.

Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

[This message edited by crisp at 7:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^ definitely agree with LifeisCrazy.

It may be a deal breaker. I get that.

You've filed. Now, go............ slow

see what happens. see what she does.

that's my advice.

I can definitely say i've told people to file for D here. If their WS isn't remorseful. Playing games, I advise BSs to get tough.

I'm not seeing that here. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see someone struggling to be a better person. Someone that knows they've got a ton of work to do, who is ashamed of herself. Someone that wants YOU.

however, if you've had enough, no one can blame you. You've handled yourself with dignity and compassion.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can type a bunch of pretty words on these forums but they don't mean shit without *positive* actions to back it up!!! Just saying.

Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT is such a deal killer. It is painful. It is gut wretching. To then have someone post nude pics of your spouse for all to see as well, as many have said SWAT already has to deal with everyone at work knowing his wife had an A with a co worker, hard enough for any person to deal with at their own work. I don't know how he does it quite frankly. Then to have everyone see pictures, even though the OM obviously retaliated it is still out there for all to see.

I think we all need to remember that it is a BS's "gift" to offer R at all after an A. It very well could be a deal breaker for him or it may not. He needs her to sign and back off for now.

A BS sometimes just wants out of all the drama that they never asked for.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man,

Swat there is no way on earth I could say anything to you that could help you right know. Just know that you have whatever support you need from us to help live through this.

Reading that post was paiful. I cannot imagine the pain you felt having experience that. I'm so sorry.

Truely, just focus on you. What do you need right know?

Time away? Counceling? An hour with a heavy bag? Do what you need to do right now to get through today. Then do what ever tomorrow needs. Just focus on you.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:49 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT

As with poster L iFE, I found my WW in person in the middle of a sex party between two guys live and in person. The TT you have gotten is horrible and embarrassing and it will take time to get over that but what you did done was in the past. You already knew she had sex with OM multiple times. I am NOT minimizing what has happened to you and you have to deal with it in your own way, but I hope that someday your kids will have their Mom and Dad back as one family. You have handled yourself as a true hero in everything you have done. DONT let the prick OM win. You be the winner SWAT.
You are better than him.
I managed to R with my wife . It took a long time but she did all the right things/ believe me when it happened I wish I had just found a picture. Whatever you decide good luck and stay strong


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. I'm at a loss for words at the moment...

However, I would strongly encourage you to (at least eventually) continue to post on this forum, because the people here will provide amazing support on journey through life.

If you're reluctant to post here because OM, coworkers, W,..., might read, I would strongly encourage you to at least contact some other betrayed men through private messages, so you will continue to get support from them.

Best wishes to you&your family.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Swat)))

I am sorry to hear this. Please remember you are the good guy in all of this, and place your kids and yourself first. She may eventually get it, and hopefully work to help maintain a somewhat amiable relationship to coparent.

Spend some time on you. Find some things that will relieve your stress, and help you find center again.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
molly5
♀ New Member
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Swat))

Your life is your choice, even though you did not choose this to happen to you. You are the only one that can make the best choice for you now.
I think you need to have some space and have some time to think.
It could not have been easy to read the things I am sure you read. But is that how she felt THEN or NOW?
I am in no postion to give advice, I am in my own mess right now.
I really wish you the best!


Me:37
WH:42
I will not let the anger change me, I am going to raise myself up and keep growing. To let the anger change me would be like they won!

Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
Twotimesucker
♂ New Member
Member # 43013
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Swat)))))))

I am so sorry that you have to be going through another d-day. I am praying for your healing my friend. I, like many others have followed your story from the beginning. I am only 2 months from my d-day, so I do not feel qualified to give you any advice, besides, sometimes just listening and affirming what one is feeling is what is needed.

I think you are a brave, strong, self aware man. I know that whatever happens that Swat is going to be alright. The power of these 6 words cannot be understated...

Everything is going to be alright.

I don't mean to sound unfeeling, or crass, because I know first hand that you are feeling incredible pain and sorrow. The black cloud that suspends itself over us BS's sometimes feels so final, we must remind ourselves that whether we choose to D or R, that eventually, everything is going to be alright.

Peace to you my Brother,

TTS.


Me BS-45
Her WW-36
D-Day3/31/14
Working towards R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I think you're doing the right thing. I agree that there is a lot of pain even during and after the divorce process but your wife is not remorseful. She's wildly trying to make it look like she is, and she has since this all blew up, but she is a manipulator through and through. Perhaps she could work really hard and become someone else but she isn't right now.

Come join us down in the Divorce/Separation board. There are a lot of good people down there who have had to take the same path you're taking now.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( SWAT and Family )))


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

One thing to remember about the journal, is that it was written while she was deep in the fog of the affair. But this was during the affair... not after. These facts that you have discovered would have hurt anyone immensely. Process the feelings but you should hold off making any decisions until later, when you are not overwhelmed with these drastic emotions.

Your family is in all of our thoughts.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat! I'm so sorry to hear that you have had to yet AGAIN endure pain from your WW bad choices :( you're a great guy and dad and i know that you will do whatever it takes to make sure you and the kids are taken care off. You are strong and you are absolutely right. You don't deserve what you are going thru. Not at all and you certainly shouldn't be anyone's second choice. Better things are coming to you. This is as low as it'll probably go on this stupid roller coaster. There's an uphill approaching. Best of luck!


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sorry you are going through this. I know it's a very painful thing.
SWAT do you have family near you? I don't recall you mentioning them much. Or at least good close friends to talk to?

I know TT is devastating every time. Hell I'm probably on DDay 20 by now. I do know that every time something new comes out i don't cry anymore, I just get determined for my future.
A much better future!

I think most of us know the pain your in. It's the most devastating pain anybody could go through. Stay strong SWAT. You're a good decent man. We can only believe that the best part of happiness in our lives has not come our way yet.

[This message edited by needadvise at 9:37 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,
I first must say I have largely stayed away from your thread because you were getting good advice.
I like you have a wife that cheated.
I like you had a wife who sent pictures of herself to him.
I like you had a wife that gave pieces of herself to him she never will give to me.
It hurts like a pain I have never felt and still feel daily.
I too have a wife who is selfish, conflict avoidant and minimized and gave out the details of her A in pieces, she was a TT master.
It sucked.

But I want to chime in and say, YOUR doing everything correct. Focus on your kids and start to really care for yourself. Get into IC and work. Keep getting the kids into IC and make no decision that isn't toward one of those two ends, you or the kids.

I will also say this, My W is working everyday of her life to make this right. I still wake everyday and focus on my son and myself. She and I are in R and you can get past this D or R. But the path is through selfcare and deciding what makes your life what you want. Right now your wife is still all about herself and what she wants, hopes and dreams for life. THIS is on your terms. My W handed me the cards and I will never become codependent to a marriage again. Just sending you strength from someone who walked your shoes. You can do this, one day one step at a time. Focus on what matters, YOU!

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came to understand that reconciliation is about what she is doing NOW. How she is behaving NOW. Whether or not she is truly remorseful.

Since SWAT is not at a place to consider R, I think any talk of coming to terms with what his WW did is premature. But with regard to this statement, if she is claiming she forgot she sent OM photos, then I would submit she is not remorseful. Remorse precludes damage control, and IMO that is what is occurring here.

SWAT, I am pulling for you. Whatever the outcome for your marriage you will be okay and your kids will be okay.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Nov 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I first must say I have largely stayed away from your thread because you were getting good advice.
I like you have a wife that cheated.
I like you had a wife who sent pictures of herself to him.
I like you had a wife that gave pieces of herself to him she never will give to me.
It hurts like a pain I have never felt and still feel daily.
I too have a wife who is selfish, conflict avoidant and minimized and gave out the details of her A in pieces, she was a TT master.
It sucked.

Same here. Even made a video on his cellphone and had sexting sessions on Skype.

I agree with LHAP. Focus on you right now. Sounds like your wife is in the "regretful" not "remorseful" stage. Strength brother, I understand how bad finding this out the hard way feels. My wife also swore there were no pics or videos. Until I found them months later. Lies of omission are killers. In addition, I have some doubts that she "forgot" the pictures. My wife swore for 6 months there weren't any. But there were, she knew it, and they were very humiliating to me to find out what my wife let another man photograph.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came to understand that reconciliation is about what she is doing NOW. How she is behaving NOW. Whether or not she is truly remorseful.
That is what reconciliation is all about.

It is also about no more lies. No more secrets.

And it takes two to R. Both parties have to want it and be able to want it.

As for SWAT's situation, I don't know where these pictures were found? Or where a diary was found.

Anything like that sets R back to day 1 if at all.


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