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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious about these pictures and the timeline.
When were these pictures sent to your co-workers and how did you find out that your co-workers had them?
Did someone just come up to you and say "Hey, SWAT, look what I received?" And were you shown that the distribution took place by a person with compassion or malice in his heart? (was it shown to you as a sucker-punch or as a heads-up, kwim?)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7996 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was M to a LEO for many years; he is the Wayward and we are now D. I understand that for your professional and personal sanity that you have to get away from your WW.

Don't make any rash decisions about the D. Talk to an attorney and plot the best course for yourself and the kids, but remember that you are going to have to co-parent with this woman for a long time.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20142 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I refuse to be her scapegoat and I won't be anyone's second choice.

Absolutely. Her actions have shown that she is her own first priority. Don't mistake that. OM is not her first choice. She has filed the PO and seen to it that it is enforced. That's not a very protective action toward him.

Has she done anything about this most recent violation? POSER sending her explicit pictures to your friends would constitute harassment by any definition. I'm guessing jail holds no fear for him. If she does nothing, can you? This POS deserves everything coming to him.

Back on point. Her self interests to this point have obviously taken their toll. At some point, I hope she see's how destructive that is. Maybe the FWW's here can drill that into her head, maybe her IC. However, as I stated before, it takes time. Right now, that you have. Use it to your own benefit.

I still think R has a chance, but that is totally your choice. Got your back either way.

BTW, is POSER really that stupid? Sending those pictures was a direct attack on you. It's not going to help him get your WW back. That boat sailed.

Strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2796 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, is POSER really that stupid? Sending those pictures was a direct attack on you.
Aren't there new laws in many states about this. Sending photos of others like this.

The diary is another story. I am only guessing this was found in the house.


Posts: 3916 | Registered: Jun 2002
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
Aren't there new laws in many states about this. Sending photos of others like this.

I was actually looking at it only from the violation of the PO standpoint, but sending unsolicited porn through E-mail? Depends. U.S.Code Title 18, Section 1461 covers many aspects of that. Sent as a text? Don't know, I think it would be dependent on state law. Her sending it to him would not imply consent for wider distribution. I would have to say that she at least would have a pretty good civil suit.
T/J


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2796 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,
I too have not joined the fray but felt compelled to now. About three months after my FWW confessed her A to me, I found an un-sent letter to the OM. It was unbelievably horrible to read and was similar to reading her journal. I am pretty sure the IC told her to write these letters as a form of a journal but to never send them. It was, by far, the worst thing I have ever read and it served as Dday #2. It was after NC and she was begging the OM for another chance, talking about leaving me and the kids and moving across the country to live with him, blah, blah. And I also found out that she may have sent him pictures as well. The bottom line is that all of this is awful stuff. Right now, it is brand new info and of course it is shocking.

My advice is, as others have stated, is to just try to keep cool and let some time pass. I was extremely pissed when I found these new revelations. But, in the big scheme of things, it was just another piece of the pain puzzle and time was the only remedy.


Posts: 219 | Registered: Oct 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't understand why your terminally silly wife would cheat on such as a great guy as yourself. Its a bit like Warren Buffet robbing the local bank; why?

Then to give OM nude pics and not expecting distribution when she ended the affair, its incomprehensible.

Same old excuse; selfish WW craving the limelight and lots of attention gives herself to some lying male with sex on his mind. A story as old as mankind. It must be mortifying for your wife to know that other men are leering over pics of her naked body. From what you have said about OM, these pics may eventually get distributed on internet porn sites.

Give it a few months before making any irrevocable decisions. Your wife is exceedingly immature and horribly selfish, but she will learn from this experience. Plus she is a good mother and seems very remorseful. Only you can judge whether that is enough reason to reconcile.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OutoftheDeep
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Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you have continually leaned toward D, I say run, run away as fast as you can.

If there was ever a reason to D, infidelity is it. I cannot think of a bigger reason. Just because it is in the past and she wants you, means nothing. And this was, imo, not something that was forgotten. Sex journals and naked pics?? These are not things most people forget they have done. You should have been warned of this.

Your pride and dignity and emotions are continually dragged through the mud. You seem to get more and more damage from this on a daily basis. You will be okay without her, but I get the feeling you are the type of person who will not be okay if your dignity ends up completely destroyed.

You've proven to yourself your children will be okay, you've got a wonderful counselor, and you've seen it with your own eyes.

Get some relief away from her and this madness before you die inside.



Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 369 | Registered: Feb 2014
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What LifeisCrazy said on page 33.

It's a hard thing for a BS to fully grasp. Affairs are ugly, seedy things. A person has to get to a pretty low place to sleep around on their spouse, or to assist another person in doing so. Healthy has no place in these types of relationships. My wife did about every degrading thing you can imagine with her OM - sex, sexting, nudie pics, unprotected sex, no birth control, God knows what else. We're talking middle-aged adults with the morality of alley cats and the judgment of middle-schoolers (at least when they're in that mindset).

I've never had an affair, but would imagine that it would be impossible to have one without throwing integrity, morality, character, caution, and common sense out the window. And if you're going to sink that low, might as well go as low as you can. No half measures.

Sorry you are going through this nightmare, SWAT. Please understand that what you are going through is pretty much the norm. When it comes to affairs, assume the worst. Because they bring out the worst in people.

Oh, and as far as the hurtful things she was telling OM? Probably mostly bullshit. Think of how often she b.s'd you during that period.

This is what your wife became. What she chose for herself, you, and the kids. I'm going on 16 months out and still grapple with that every day. Just know that it's not completely hopeless (whatever you decide), and you are not alone. There are so many who can relate.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT

You are going to be alright.

You are a kind, caring man who is obviously a great father too. You children are lucky to have you.

Please know that there is nothing more you can do right now. You have tried, you have sacrificed, you have attempted R.

Your WW has given about 20% at best.

Reading both of your posts (which I realize is not an entire portrayal of any one person) - your WW is still in the lying, manipulative stage.

Yes, she knows she's done wrong but she is no where near owning all the hurt, pain and suffering she's caused. There is always an excuse, a reason, or another lie. Respectfully, she is still acting like a spoiled brat.

Your WW comes across as a person who is accustomed to getting what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it.

Your moving forward is the best thing to do for you and your family at this stage. You have to start to heal and you can't do that with more lies, and TT continually coming at you.

I wish you and your children much strength, honesty and peace.

Good luck.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:01 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - my original point stands - I am behind SWAT no matter what he decides. But....

To those that think SWAT can just 'give it time' and then happily go to work everyday, where the guys that have these pics are snickering behind his back for staying with 'that whore' (I'm not calling her that, but you can bet your bottom dollar they are), and things will be just fine are delusional. This is now far beyond people knowing. His co-workers have been leering and laughing at his wife, and at him. No, this is not a 'give it time' thing. To get past this and truly R, SWAT will need to leave his job and probably the profession as the community is small. OR, he can leave her, hold his head high and stay at work.

Why should he lose absolutely everything? She lied about 'forgetting' about the pics. We all know she lied. And keeping that journal? No, there's now no excuse for her behavior IMO, and she's left him very little choice.

Whatever SWAT's decision, I'm 100% supportive, but I do wish we could all stop this lalaland mentality that all will be well and love will win in the end. His resentment of her will most likely never die. This is one case where I truly believe that there is no going back.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
needadvise
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Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with painfulpast.
For the life of me I can't understand how somebody cheats for one, and why if they are truly remorseful that they continue to lie.

It's always us good honest people with morals that get hurt. Not sure how they cheat and lie. I don't have it in me. My conscience would kill me.
I just don't get it!

I feel bad SWAT had to deal with this. Or that any of us do.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

To those that think SWAT can just 'give it time' and then happily go to work everyday, where the guys that have these pics are snickering behind his back for staying with 'that whore' (I'm not calling her that, but you can bet your bottom dollar they are), and things will be just fine are delusional.

I happen to be one who thinks R is possible. I happen to agree that he can't just *give it time and things will be just fine*. It takes work and commitment to successfully R. Years of it. For both parties.

To address those snickering would be beneath SWAT. People will talk regardless of circumstances, the only ones worth consideration are those brave enough to be face to face. The people he needs to be concerned with are those offering support, the rest just don't matter.

To get past this and truly R, SWAT will need to leave his job and probably the profession as the community is small. OR, he can leave her, hold his head high and stay at work.

Flat out disagree. R is possible where he is at, never said easy. I think you may be underestimating the loyalty SWAT has at his work place. Why can't he hold his head high now? Is there something he's done that I missed? The societal attitude that a BS must somehow be shamed by their spouses actions is shameful in and of itself. He has no reason to hang his head.

I do wish we could all stop this lalaland mentality that all will be well and love will win in the end.

Never thought I was in lalaland. I do believe that with a LOT of work, R is possible. Ultimately, love isn't enough. It's a start though.

His resentment of her will most likely never die.

Agreed, she's got a lot of work to do. It's up to SWAT to decide if she's doing/being enough to offer a chance for redemption.

This is one case where I truly believe that there is no going back.

There never is after an affair. The landscape of his life and that of his family were forever changed by her choice to have an affair. Whatever his decision going forward, it will never be the same as it was.

T/J

SWAT, strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2796 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 5454. Sure, this will be hard. The hardest thing he's ever had to do, whether he R or D. Easy ain't part of the equation anymore. But SWAT shows enough strength to get past this regardless of how his marriage turns out. As for the guys on the force...screw 'em. He can go to work each day and hold his head high. There are two people who should feel a deep sense of shame right now, and he isn't one of them.

And the facts of his case re: his wife's behavior - all too common. Actually, they appear to be from a script. One that is very familiar to many of the men here. Those facts lead to D or R. That's up to them. The only thing a little out of the norm is the psycho-clinger behavior the OM is displaying. "Bunny-boiler" behavior as the BW on this site like to say. I say a little because we've seen it before, although I think most of these cowardly OM prefer the path of least resistance once they've been discovered.

That's unfortunate, but at some point it's going to be about the two people in the marriage, and what they decide to do going forward.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, what is the time signature on the photos? Is it possible that OM is behind the picture distribution? If so that sounds like additional to present to the Local D.A.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jun 2013
annb
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Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I happen to be one who thinks R is possible. I happen to agree that he can't just *give it time and things will be just fine*. It takes work and commitment to successfully R. Years of it. For both parties.

^^I agree. Most of us found out more truthafter D-Day and dealt with TT after TT after TT.

In my sitch I asked my WH if OW ever sent him anything, he told me no. Well, about six months later, a co-worker who was friends with WH and OW very innocently spilled the beans in an e-mail to WH about a gift OW made him. I was furious and sick and could barely breathe. WH said he forgot, right. ANOTHER attempt at withholding the truth to protect me AND himself.

Only SWAT can decide if those pics of his wife are a dealbreaker or not.

Hoping for the best for both of them, there is nothing easy about this sh*t. It hurts like hell.


Posts: 7515 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 5454 also.

Plus the name calling of someone's WW really has become a bad habit by a few on here.


Posts: 3916 | Registered: Jun 2002
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another concurrence on what 545 said. There are men on SI whose spouses have done as much or more than SWAT's wife who have R'd or tried to. Hell, there are plenty of women who've gone through shit that anyone would understand if they D'd and never looked back. It doesn't seem to me that it's the magnitude of the indiscretion. That would be way to simple of an equation. Fuck one guy but no nude pics equals R, share a nude pic and that's just too much. For everyone there is a proverbial line in the sand, but where that point is varies greatly from person to person. For some, any betrayal is an instant dealbreaker; others survive decades of infidelity and betrayal and have reconciled. Reconciliation isn't math, it's more like one of the Pinterest recipes - everyone knows what the basic ingredients are, but it requires two people who want to cook it the same way in order to "nail it". And rarely do you get the recipe done right on the first few attempts because this shit is really hard to make. Some spouses take a while to come around and be that partner; I wouldn't blame anyone for not waiting around to find out. We have the benefit of hindsight - if I could advise my freshly DDay'd self the first thing I would say is file for D. SWAT has done that - if that doesn't wake up his wife, or the advice she is getting doesn't get through, then he lets the D go through. But I wouldn't be surprised to see them make it either. I've seen some amazing stories here from some wonderful people. There is no one size fits all solution. SI is not about reconciliation or divorce - it's about healing after betrayal for both sides. The path to healing looks like a kids doodle - lines cross, intersect, loop, go outside the lines, and ultimately make almost no sense. But you are still proud to put it on the refrigerator.

[This message edited by Tred at 4:59 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The path to healing looks like a kids doodle - lines cross, intersect, loop, go outside the lines, and ultimately make almost no sense. But you are still proud to put it on the refrigerator.

Damn, that's good stuff there Tred. Straight to the quote thread.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with Tred. I don't really think anyone should be advising anyone else on what amount of betrayal is enough to R or D. That changes greatly when you're dealing with spousal/child abuse of course. But only the BS can decide where that line in the sand is and once they know, they should absolutely stick to it.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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