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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past has raised a good issue abiut the college trust fund or purchasing a prepaid college plan. You don't want to see a new husband leaving your ex-house in his new truck towing his new Boston Whaler to go fishing since he doesn't have to work since your ex wife is supporting him. You get the picture, right? I'll bet it will have twin counterotating 125 hp motors, too.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((brohugs&fistbumps))

Keep being a great parent, man, cop and friend like you've been thus far, and all will be great!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PainfulPast is incorrect regarding your being entitled to the inheritance. Inheritances are generally not considered community property by law, therefore in a divorce you would not be entitled to any of her inheritance unless it has been so mixed with community funds that it has become community property. So, if your wife's inheritance is in a separate account from your marital funds, you would not be entitled to it. If it's mixed with the marital funds, you would have some claim to it.

Sorry for the t/j. Just wanted to clarify. You probably already know this from your attorney.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 3:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

therefore in a divorce you would not be entitled to any of her inheritance.

If the inheritance was co-mingled with marital funds (ie, paid off the marital home that both lived in. The inheritance was put into a joint bank account, etc) then whatever was mixed into the marital funds is jointly owned. It doesn't matter where it came from.

If its all tucked away in ONLY her name, then its all hers.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what broken blackbird wrote...Check the laws for your area..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what you wrote it does seem like your WW can support herself and provide well for your kids in the case of S or D should she have primary custody..

This may give you more peace of mind, and allow you to begin a relatively comfortable sustainable new life post D..

Recovery is so much better when both spouses have had the good fortune to be able build up resources that will carry them thru catastrophic events like D..

It sucks to be stuck in a bad marriage because, for whatever reason (permanent disability, advanced age, illness come to mind) the alternative of D or separation would cause both spouses to live a life of struggle to support themselves ..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:53 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP buddy I'm not forgetting you either.

Awe shucks. Love you to occifer SWAT!

Still with ya any way you go.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not perfect and I'm sure I wasn't a perfect husband. I worked long hours and frequent OT. But I was a good a man and husband as I could be. I made time for her and my kids. I wouldn't sleep to spend time with her. I made date nights and I never ever forgot her birthday, Valentines day or our anniversary. I know that doesn't make me husband of the decade. But I tried so hard to never give her reason to complain or not love me or feel unloved. I loved her the best I knew how and it wasn't enough. That hurts. Logically I know I am not to blame for her affair. But emotionally not so much. I'm working on it though I promise.

It took me a year to really start to believe it wasn't about me being 'good enough' or 'not good enough'. Hang in there dude.

I am in the same boat as some of the others here about pushing or even suggesting what path SWAT chooses. We are not SWAT. SWAT doesn't make decisions for us. Why should we make them for him?

Furthermore, even though this guy is hurting, the way he has carried himself through this is just fricken amazing. I wish I could have had an ounce of the clearheadedness, composure, and self respect that SWAT has had through this mess when I went through my DDay. SWAT - you may not feel that way about yourself, or maybe you do, but you IMO have been a rock star through this.

My point is that SWAT is fully capable of making up his own darn mind on what he wants to. If he wants our opinion on what decision to make, he'll ask for it. In the meantime, offer advice that supports him in the path he has chosen. Don't try to choose his path for him.

One last thing -- I was the one to bring up Chuck Norris. I had no idea about his history. I'm sorry for those who were hurt by that.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SWAT,

Clearly you have a huge community of supporters behind you. Being human though, we supporters have biases. Some here are obviously pro R and some are pro D.

It would be fair to have a consistent attitude towards adulterers; if they demonstrate true remorse and sorrow for what they have done then the BS should seriously contemplate reconciliation.

I'm with SisterMilkshake--I have a real problem with the above statement. A BS shouldn't contemplate R with even the most remorseful and sorrowful WS if the BS doesn't want to or isn't able to.

You already took the leap of faith that is R. You gave your WW a second chance. If you don't want to, you don't have to give her a third chance, and you don't have to file for D while "watching her carefully to see what she does or how she changes." This is your life, not a movie, and, unfortunately, happy endings are sometimes the exception rather than the rule in infidelity. (Even though I use "you" in this paragraph, I think it's directed less to SWAT than others.)

You've chosen D. There are lots of people who've gone through the process who will likely give you good advice on what to expect. I wish you all the best. (((SWAT)))

[This message edited by nomadlady at 8:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I told the kids. That fucking sucked y'all. My babies are hurting and I can't fix it. Not much else to say. Gotta go to work so I'll touch base later. Thanks everyone.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh SWAT. I'm sorry. Telling the kids is the worst.just be there for them. It's all you can do.

(((SWAT)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That fucking sucked y'all.

When I got my D from my first WW, I can't remember a harder convo.(son was 4) His understanding was so, so limited.

We got past it. He's 24 now. I couldn't be prouder of him. He did better being *from* a broken home than having to live in one.

I'm sorry for the pain.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Swat70))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT)))

Posts: 11754 | Registered: Mar 2008
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Swat)))))))

Telling our kids was the biggest reality check for my WH. That was when I started seeing true remorse from my WH and not just embarrassment. Whatever you decide, we are here for you.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be fair to have a consistent attitude towards adulterers; if they demonstrate true remorse and sorrow for what they have done then the BS should seriously contemplate reconciliation.

One of the purposes of SI is to indirectly encourage reconciliation and I would think that every act of discovered adultery would involve the BS at least contemplating whether the marriage can be saved or not. If the decision is no or yes is not the question; its an issue of analyzing the relationship and deciding whether it can be saved or is divorce the next step

Its just part of a logical process and I regret that SisterMilkshake struggles with understanding the concept.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT)))

I hope you didn't have to do that alone. That would just suck big balls.

They will understand, maybe not right away, but remember being raised with one healthy whole parent is waaaaay better than two broken ones.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SWAt70)))) I am so sorry that you had to tell your children. I am sure that wasn't easy.
Its just part of a logical process and I regret that SisterMilkshake struggles with understanding the concept.
That is hilarious, OK now. Actually made me lol!
Naw, I don't struggle with that particular concept. What I do struggle with is posters that insist that a BS must/should contemplate reconciliation. No BS is required/must/should contemplate reconciliation. If they "want to" contemplate fine, but they don't have to. I regret that OK now struggles with the concept that one shouldn't tell others what they "should" do in regards to reconciliation.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the decision is no or yes is not the question; its an issue of analyzing the relationship and deciding whether it can be saved or is divorce the next step

OK now, I have struggled with your posts on this thread because as pro-R as I am when the WS is remorseful, and as much as I know from experience that even a WS who struggles a long time to really "get it" can still be a good candidate for R, I feel as though you are pushing SWAT for something he is not ready for.

Saying a BS "should" contemplate R reeks of judgement. Saying that the OM will win if he chooses to D is manipulative. Neither of these is true.

I firmly believe that every BS considers the investment they have made in the relationship before making the decision to D. If that weren't the case, there would be a lot less agony for us.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1746 | Registered: Nov 2010
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man SWAT. Telling the kids... that's a really rough one. Really hurts now, but they will be ok in the long run. You are doing the right thing in talking with them. Continue to engage them and work with them. Let them know your thoughts (without the graphic details) so that they are assured of you and what is going on.

I'm with Sister and SWAT on this too. From my own story you can see what happens if you "stay together for the kids". If there is going to be a toxic environment that ensues, well just don't do it. Many times the toxic environment is unavoidable as emotions run so white hot and ice cold depending on the minute. That's very confusing and hurtful to children to watch their parent's go through that. And then all the personal baggage that comes to the child from watching that stuff take place.

Still doesn't mean that it can't change in the future. This is how it is now.

Continue to engage and work with your kids SWAT and they will be fine.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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