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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very glad to hear that you got a win with BIL. You needed a win.

Very happy to hear that you are feeling better over all. Can you send a slice of that pizza my way? Lunch time over here.

Have a great rest of day and evening at work.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am better. Thanks.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's great to hear. I agree, you can grill anything. I did salmon with an apricot glaze Sunday night.
great news about not letting the OM take up any head space. WW, well, keep watching from a distance.
the sleeping issue?IC? a lot of us here did what you are doing also. mostly to our detriment. my advice is contrary to your actions, but....... still got your back.

great news about your brother in law. who's the better shot?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to read your update, SWAT.

The thing to remember about the roller coaster is that for every down, there's an up. That thought helped me tremendously during the downs.

Have fun with the kids.

You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman

Posts: 26207 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage weren't serious with the question where you? Hello....SWAT guy here.

Seriously though he is a good shot. FIL made sure his kids are more than proficient. WW is a hell of a shot too. Just not good enough to beat me though. That's my story and I'm sticking too it.

I get the IC thing. My IC is really great. She rocks if you ask me. I'm just not ready to dig to deep right now. Maybe when things settle down for me. I've filed and so far WW and her attorney have not really disagreed with the proposals we have but forward. I really think they would be stupid not to. Her inheritance is huge and it's hers. But I've been the only income for the household for almost twelve years and she has never paid or earned one penny for anything and she has lived a very good life at my expense the entire time. So I'm sure I could present a good case to get some of it. I don't want it though. I just want my money from here on out. She is set for life and can live very comfortably.

So after all of this settles maybe I can go back. But right now I'm not there.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great update SWAT.

I'm trying to eat right and stay hydrated but its hard with my appetite loss.
^^^When you can't eat drink protein shakes. I lived off protein shakes for 2 weeks in the beginning. I couldn't eat but I could drink.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1924 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
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Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you're doing better!

How are the kids?

Best wishes!

BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 355 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
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Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As usual I‘m going to do my Mr. Grumpy impersonation.

Look – Divorces aren’t fun but they don’t require us to hate the WS. You have decided to D and that’s fine. That has always been one of the possible outcome in your situation and it is IMHO one of the two ideal ways out of infidelity.
Be careful not to replace your marriage with divorce…
Don’t allow D to be your new relationship with your wife.

Removing the tattoos… was that done for you or was that done to send WW a message? If the former then fine, if the later… well… a D is a pretty powerful message already.

D is the termination of a marriage. Afterwards you and WW need to find an alternative relationship. If there were no kids in the picture then that relationship would be non-existent but with kids… you two need to find some way to cooperate in co-parenting.

So before divorcing you need to separate for six months. OK – fine. Being in the barn sure beats all the horror stories I have heard of in-house separation. But NEVER forget this is a temporary solution. Don’t get too comfy in that barn because when you D you inevitably start living separate lives. That inevitably leads to living in separate places. You don't need to wait six months for that and you should DEFINATLY not be there once D is complete.

Now… It sounds as if you already have some ideas on how you want the D settlement to go. There really is no need to nail down the nitty-gritty details of the divorce agreement in a big hurry. I do think some of the ideas posted here are… naïve or misinformed. For example; it only took me 10 minutes to google that her inheritance is most likely not considered marital property while your pension definitely is. One role the judge has in a D is to make sure both parties know their rights and that if they forfeit their rights that the parties do so knowingly and willingly.

If SS17 were my sister or daughter then I too would probably tear her ear off letting her know how stupidly she has behaved. But I would also do my best to make sure her interests were protected in divorce. That might lead to you getting a worse settlement than you envision right now. But then. I have never heard of a single case where someone feels that they got a fair share in D. It seems that getting half of something always seems less than owning half of something. To counter that then you need to have a VERY clear picture of your financial situation and how you envision the future. Clear and realistic.

Let’s take an example: Say you give your WW the family house in the d-settlement. Your line of thought is that the kids can then stay in their home. But what if WW decides to sell it 2 years later and move to a nearby city? Or decides to move in with her new husband? Maybe you should look into the possibility of putting sensible conditions into any settlement. For example; rather than WW getting 100% of the house you could consider the kids getting 20%.

But then… maybe it’s a moot point. She might get the house simply so you can keep your pension uncut.

I also think you two would be well set with some sort of separation agreement.
Tackle things like who pays what bills, budgets for the home and schedules for the kids, holidays, who gets what car to use and so on. You should also tackle private issues like will either of you be dating during the separation period.

Look SWAT – You two have six months to find resolution to how you divorce. I doubt any agreement signed now will necessarily be valid at that point. It’s OK to calm down and spend time focusing on personal recovery. It’s OK to stop hating your wife. No matter how this goes she will remain your kids mother and she will be part of your life for years to come. It’s important to make that role a correct role and to find as amicable a solution as possible.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad that you and the BIL had a chance to go reconnect by blowing the sheite out of things! Always a lot of fun.

FWIW, my neighbor across the street was VERY close with his BIL. They did everything together. And then his wife decided to go gutter and run away with a drug-using POS. Leaving her son (the step-son of the BH) and daughter (their biological child) with him. After some truly horrific stuff, including me calling the cops for him while he was fighting the druggie BF to keep him and WW from breaking into his house, the two lurve birds have finally departed for parts unknown. And my neighbor and the now X-BIL are still the best of friends. They are constantly back and forth hanging out with each other. So it can be done.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear OM isn't right in the head. WW tells me this afternoon she had to file yet another complaint. He is seriously pissing me off.

Bigger. The tats removal and cover up where for me. My marriage is dead, so the band had no meaning anymore. We got them done even thought we had actual bands. I actually stopped wearing mine after my DC trip. I left it in the bedroom when I went into the guest suite. It's in the ceramic plate she made years ago, she couldn't respect me enough to be honest so I don't want those things. She can have them. The one over my heart had to be done as well. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It was a daily reminder of how much she hurt me. I'm angry and hurt, but I still love her. I'm not looking to punish her she was and likely will be the love of my life. My actions are not intended to hurt her, she maybe hurt but it isn't intentional and there isn't anything I can do to protect her. Do I want to yes, but I can't do that anymore. It hurts to much.

The house was given to us by her family. It will always be in her family. It's just worth a lot more now since we expanded, updated and built the extras.

Walking away from that sucks. I spent a lot of time and effort into making it a really nice freaking home if you ask me. She may not feel the same who knows.

I don't hate her, I could never hate her. I honestly thought we were perfect together. We had it all figured out and it was destined to be. I know she and I are intertwined for several years to come and probably until the day I die. For some morbid reason I see her standing over my grave and I just know I'll go before she does. I'm probably love her until then as well.

If you asked around town most people would say I'm a decent sort of man. They would NOT think I'm some sort of sappy romantic. But I really thought we had the "fairy tale" and destiny thing going on. Fairy tales aren't meant for soldiers and cops I guess. We have a separation agreement I believe. I'm still living here technically so the bills are still in my name. Most of the things you mentioned were greed upon when she signed.

It's gonna suck no matter what and I'm gonna take several hits along the way. I'm gonna be hit in the wallet just like a lot of other people. My retirement will be pushed back several years I'm sure and even then I'll have to work to make ends meet. But this is the thing. I can live with that. If she and the kids are alright. Dating, huh...I don't think that is in the cards for me. I am 45 years old and I've only ever told three women I loved them. My mom, my MIL and WW. That is just he way I'm wired I guess. I dated sure and I cared for them but it wasn't love. See fairy tale.

But I general. I'm alright and getting better and stronger day by day and minute by minute.

[This message edited by SWAT70 at 8:36 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let the system deal with OM. It won't be personally satisfying, but you don't want to end up as his cell mate, either. And making license plates,isn't a good second career choice.

At some point, OM will realize it's not worth it. See WW, talk,to,WW, get arrested and put,in jail. Not a good game plan, even for the terminally crazy.

Bigger gave some good advice there. I hope you're not winging the divorce by yourself.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not going to give you any advice here because frankly you have a lot of that. Theres no right or wrong answers. Just choices. Keep moving forward with the direction you feel is best.

I got some great advice around here with something called the trifecta. Sounds to me like your head is telling you one thing. Your heart is conflicted at best. Your gut can be used as a tiebreaker later as you continue to move forward because more than anything you wear your heart on your sleeve. I can feel the pain in your words SWAT. See fairy tale. One way or the other this will work itself out.

Oh, and at least WW went to file another complaint against (insert your own derogatory term here) and didn't immediately come running to you first. That's a plus.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have a pm

Posts: 6773 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hanging with my little man this morning. WW needed some alone time this morning. OM was all talk last night at work. I'm all for prosecuting the POS, but damn this is embarrassing. It seems like there is something happening almost everyday with him. It seems like everyone and I do mean everyone in the whole freaking department knows my WW was banging him.

Sorry had to take a minute and calm down. Don't want to freak out mini me. I'm give her credit though, WW is taking this seriously and handling it on her own. I will admit to checking up on what's going on though. Not something I tell her but I do it anyway. I am installing some cameras as well in the next day or two. Lots of people know I've "moved out" and I don't want it getting back to OM.

The arrest warrant came down this morning and some guys went and picked him up. It's still only misdemeanors at this point, but the judges have got to be getting sick of this so I hoping bail is supper high.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM is just thick headed. I hope the judge throws the book at him. I'm glad SS17 is handling it.

BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing what it takes to keep your sanity is often a simple but difficult path to follow..What is right for one person may not be good for another...
Following your best path to sanity and dignity, even if the walking feels more like rock climbing, is so much better than feeling lost in the dark..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM was all talk last night at work.


SWAT, is he still being allowed to WORK?? Are you having to SEE HIM? Or perhaps you mean people are TALKING about it? If so, how terrible for you. I'm sorry.

"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Try to remember that the whole place talking about OM and your WW reflects badly on THEM, not on you. It will also be a time of learning who your real friends are.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - as difficult as it may seem, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your wife is the one who went off the rails. And she is indeed embarrassed about it.

OM's buddies are going to be tired of getting his ass out of jail too. Eventually they're going to ask him, "dude, why are you still pursuing this woman, she keeps getting you arrested." Even his friends who had a laugh at your expense will start to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. No one condones stalking. No one condones pursuing a woman that has asked to be left alone.

Stand tall brother. Everyone, even the people at work, EVERYONE can sympathize having to deal with a mess like this. You will come out the other side with the respect of these people. They know you didn't do anything. And in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as along as you know in your heart you did the right thing. The man in the mirror, that's the only one you got to please.

BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeanie. Sorry missed a the. OM was the talk. Sorry for the confusion. He was terminated early on in this cluster f.

I honestly do work with some great people. While this is embarrassing to me. Most of my co workers are just showing concern. Most of them are just trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard not to talk about it. The dip shit keeps getting arrested and WW name is all over the complaints. One of the rookies asked me if I wanted this Sunday off since its Father's Day. (They are done field training so they can cover shifts.) I was kind of shocked she asked. But she explained she isn't married and has no kids and her family is all in Ohio. Since it was my weekend to work I took her up on the offer. I've got to work Saturday night, but a power nap and I'm good to go. BBQ at my place. I'm treating myself to steak and lobster tails. Great on a grill.

Hobbes. The kids are doing well. They seem to be getting a lot out of therapy. I've actually noticed dd isn't as manipulative as before. She isn't doing the mommy or daddy lets me thing as much.

OM is still in jail, but it's only a matter of time until he's bailed out or release before trial. I spent several hours yesterday working on the house. New locks and motion lights. I put up some cameras to.

I'll give her credit, she isn't messing around with this shit. She is taking care of business and I'm proud of her for that. She is being very proactive with prosecuting him and making sure the kids are taken care of. That is actually a big relief to me. She did ask if we could talk soon, but I'm just not ready yet. I told her and she just said alright and thanked me for the extra security. She did say she would talk to me if or whenever I was ready.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
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