I forgave worse than you, and 5 years later I am sure I did the right thing. But I did so only when it became clear my wife was really trying to change. I still look back and think I was weak - that lasts about as long as it takes for me to see my son and my wife together in the same house as me.
Your situation is different - and you know the best obviously. But anyone can see how you have really given your W every chance she could have wanted.
I would support R or D for you. I do believe she's possibly R material with counseling and changes. I think she wants to change. She's made some awful mistakes but very few WSs don't early on. Mine broke NC repeatedly for a week but I didn't know until many months later. Had I learned at the time, I might have divorced him over that alone. But six months later, he was well on his way to being a different person than the man who broke NC.
But I digress...
My only comment is that whether you follow your head or your heart or your gut, make sure you follow it and don't let pride get in the way of your own peace of mind. Sometimes pride makes us do things that are not in our own best interest.
If you want to D because it's just a dealbreaker for you - do it. If you want to R but are waiting to see what she does - good for you. If you want to R but your pride won't let you, I urge you to reconsider and do some real soul searching. Don't let pride get in the way of what you really want.
You are clearly a stand-up man and you've handled this so well despite how very, very hard it's been. You have my respect no matter your decision. Good luck and take care.
I think you've been remarkably strong from the start.
When I was a newly minted BH I had strong ideas about infidelity too. It took me some time and I had to redefine the way I looked at everything.
I flatly told my IC shortly after my DDay that I needed an excuse to stay M.
WTF !? Did I really say that aloud ?
I didn't need a excuse for me to stay. My pride needed an excuse to for me to stay.
Weakness became generosity. Done to me became done to herself. Pride was something to consider, but would making the "right" decision to make me happy.
It isn't about right or wrong.
It is about being happy. About you being happy.
No else's. Yours.
Any choice you make has consequences. You are free to change your mind. Don't box yourself into a finite number of outcomes.
Again what is most important to you ?
PS- I know it sounds like I am pushing you one way. I do not intend that. Just things to consider in your journey that I learned in mine.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I'm just sick of having doubts and being indecisive. That isn't me. I don't had doubts and I fight for what is right. So being wishy washy and whiny isn't my style and I'm wholeheartedly sick of it. It ends today be it good or bad.
I absolutely hate this about me now.
I have a very strong personality. I don't tolerate fools easily.
Yet I'm on the roller coaster and it just plain sucks. So alien to me.
I don't have grey areas, I see things in black and white.
[This message edited by mozzchops at 1:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
For what it's worth, be kind to yourself, don't be too hard on yourself for feeling indecisive, conflicted, the battle between heart and mind.
I am a year and a half out from dday #1 and six months from dday #2. I always believed infidelity would be a deal breaker for me.
I did not respond how I always believed that I would, of course I never believed I would ever be in this position.
I think clarity comes with time, with introspection.
Honestly, I think the conflict is normal. If you did not feel conflicted, if you could walk away so easily, what would that say about you and your depth and commitment?
I struggle still with the internal conflict, but take comfort that I cared, was invested, was able to love enough to feel this conflict.
I don't know if I am expressing this correctly but just give yourself time. It really will settle a little inside you.
You have handled yourself with strength, you will handle whatever comes next.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
You have many truths going on here. Your wife cheated on you. She lied to you. Her actions were embarrassing to you. All true.
More truths: you love your wife. You have an amazing family. You have an amazing extended family.
My IC told me it is human nature to want to resolve these conflicting truths. Just get it all sorted and done and laid to rest. And you seem like the kind of guy who wants it resolved right now. But the fact of the matter is that they are all truths, and if you can accept this fact it may bring you some peace. It doesn't have to be resolved in your mind right away, just accepted that you are trying to decide your path. Good luck, Swat.
Who does that? That is a rhetorical question. Waywards do it all the time. But I can't wrap my head around that
Look - I realize it's tough to comprehend. We who have reconciled successfully have all gone through a period of trying to understand. But it's just not possible. It's hard to really believe that your wife was doing something out of a problem with herself. But she loved me! Yup - and she still did it. Not to hurt you, but because she couldn't manage herself. It's a hard thing to understand.
But it will become easier to understand - and, like me - two years from now you will see it much more clearly.
So now for the tough love. It is obvious that you love your wife. It is also very obvious that she loves you and that she knows that she's made terrible choices and that she needs help. To lose your marriage and your family in a case where you both know that you WANT to be together is a shame. It really is.
My wife did stuff that is WAY worse than yours. It took me a long time to wrap my head around it. But you know what? She worked her ass off, put up with a ton of shit from me, faced up to what she had done and came out a MUCH better person. And in the end, I am incredibly happy that I didn't lay down the hammer and end it. She was, and is, worth the fight. And we have come out with a marriage that is FAR better than it ever was.
Whenever I stop in to peek at your thread I want to scream, "Don't give up." Because it is clear, to me at least, that your marriage can make it if she continues to do what she's supposed to (and it seems like she is) and if YOU can come to an understanding with yourself (which, believe it or not, you will).
It's easy to divorce. It's hard to stay and fight.
Fight for your marriage. I know you will say you did. Well, fight harder.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Suggesting D is the way to go, or that R is nirvana, doesn't seem to me to offer practical advice right now to SWAT. He simply doesn't have enough information or enough separation to know which way to go.
I'm not suggesting that WW isn't remorseful, but I suspect she has a long way to go to fix herself. And if she doesn't, SWAT remains in the swamp up to his ass in alligators.
A wise course, I believe, is to see whether she can fix herself over time.
You aren't weak for watching and waiting. In fact, it may require more strength than anything you've ever done.
One thing I've realized though is that I am not opposed to striking a new bargain with a new person. Just as we are, our waywards are becoming new people. They are striving as hard as they can in our direction. The only question that remains to be asked is this: they have the desire to become someone we want to be with, someone they are proud to be but do they have the ability? Time will tell.
Like you said, you have at least 6 months before the divorce is final, and even after that you guys can still get back together or remarry. So my advice to you is to take your time in making any long-term, definitive decisions, either way.
Best wishes to all of you
Honestly, sitting and watching seeing consistent behaviors are the only way we saved our marriage. That and me accepting him as flawed. I lost my fairy tale.
Please don't base your life on this one conversation. You will likely be conflicted a million times. Good thoughts.
Well. I was sick of feeling indecisive. So I did what I always do. Picked up a weapon and faced the enemy head on. Usually works for me, except that one time I ended up in a hospital.
WW wanted to talk so we did. I kind if went Joe Friday on her ass. I didn't want feelings or emotions I wanted just the facts ma'am. I used every interview and interrogation technique I know. As far as i can tell she was honest and told the truth. I won't lie it sucked to hear some of the shit she said about me and some of the things she did to have her affair. I struggled with some things she did with OM and would deny me. She explained it and I logically understand, but he had a part of my wife I haven't and likely won't.
She said some things that helped me to. She said she wouldn't give up fighting for me even if it took her fifty years. Obvious exaggeration but still made me feel good. I asked her to if we could talk again Friday and maybe have dinner. She agreed. I'm thinking we can maybe do something once a week where we are talking and I can just sit back and watch her. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but the internal struggle was killing me. I just decided to go for it and see. Win or lose I'm going to find my answers.
I know how hard it is to hear about your WW being with someone else. For me it helped to get past the mind movies. Only you know what you need to heal during this process. I think you're right in trying make nice with your W. If YOU decide that you can't continue in your M when the cooling off period is over. At least you can say you gave it your all. To be honest Swat, there are many of us hoping and praying for your M. I pray you find peace and healing. I'm praying your wife finds true healing of her heart.
I kicked my husband out 3 months ago for keeping something from me. He works with XOW and I found out they sometimes talk and I just threw him out without finding out the facts. Well we are going to IC and we are dating again. We are falling in love all over again. I already loved him so much but this is making him really love me. He has a great IC also.
You love her still. You and I and everyone on here know how hard it is to love someone so completely. If there is still admiration than there is still hope. Good luck to you guys and enjoy those dates.
It may take a few weeks to get into the grove of things so just know it may take time. I'm anxious for our time together tomorrow and know soon we will be back home together.
For some reason these Waywards just have a hard time with truth.
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
Later on you can possibly remarry if your WW has changed and demonstrated increased maturity.
Watch and wait.