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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: responding to a response gma said in another post
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We'll I am not much of a beer drinker unless it is hot, I have been working hard outside and the beer is cold.
But the orange slices sounds interesting I will have to try that.

And my wine is for sure messing up my typing too.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh it is. Then you can do whatever and move past the craziness of it....ponder on it later if you like. Shake your head and be like... whatever..and go about your business again....

I so understand you and what you are going thru. Shit I put myself back here to a false R. Just waiting for July....


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny. I like Apple ales and flavor beer. This is a Belgian beer and with organes it is good. I also love sweet red wine....so I go back and forth.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit I can't imagine going thru this again willingly.
I feel for you

I am looking forward to the feeling of peace finally.

July is going to be better for me too.

I work in the school system and I spend my summer at the cabin. WH rarely comes out there and it is where I can finally relax

We will toast each other in July!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works in the school system here. He is a custodian. Makes more than the teachers
His LAT. Was with another co worker. Then I just found out about him trying to hook up with teachers. It is a cross pool of A. He works with all females at the school. They just love him. Matter of fact he is with them all now at a party...


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena: I am sorry for where you are at right now but I do believe you will heal completely. I would imagine one can become jaded as a natural defense mechanism, after all the traume is severe. You almost have to be deliberate to keep yourself on emotional life supprt until your mind has time to process.

I do think you gain wisdom. Ideally this wisdom will give you a healthy skepticism. Maybe ask better questions, set healthier boundries,tolerate less abuse etc. That is what I hope to gain from this trauma.

I think forgiveness is another path as well. I know this gets mixed reviews but there does come a time after the healing starts when forgiveness needs to be given. Not for the WS but for yourself. So you can free yourself from all the rage and spite the was planted inside by our WS's. I have forgiven my WW. Not because she deserves it. I don;t trust her, still proceeding with D but by forgiving I know I don;t have to carry that burden in my heart. I don;t have let it fester and rot..It has accelerated the healing for me..


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living with the stbx and trying to live a normal life are mutually exclusive. I moved out when he started openly dating the OW; it was too much for me. I wasn't happy immediately because I moved in with my mom but once I got my own place, my life fell together. In the midst of this all, DS got married and we had to play happy family for a weekend. I survived. You will too.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20142 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol. Faithful I really love your kindle. Lol
Beer and organes. Lol

There is a custodian at the school I usually work at that is a bit flirty. But it creeps me out. My situation I do not go for flirty right now

Justinpaintoday before I was pretending life was ok. Then I had enough and started seeing a lawyer and it brought every thing crashing into reality and it hurt. Now I feel so emotionally crippled and such a wishy washy idiot. I do hope forgiveness can be in my future. That is something I have thought about but never really understood the meaning of. I can't ever forget so how can I truly fully forgive?

Sad. My DD just got married this past August. Listening to the vows was heart breaking. Trying to hold it together after that was hard. But yes I did survive...I do think it is what finally broke me and pushed me to say this is it, I don't want to pretend I am happy in this marriage anymore.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was ok with the vows; I still believe in them. The officiator/minister was another story. He went into a tirade about divorce--with the X and I sitting right there, front and center. That sucked.

The guests were another story. DS had one of the X's best friends as a groomsman. He & his wife had no idea we were D-the X never told him! When they arrived, the X went off on what a bitch I was for spying on him; his bff said, "Well, she's your wife. She's supposed to do that!" Evidently, it caused quite a rift.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20142 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad. I believed in the vows it was just hard to realize how much my stbwh didn't. (That is the first time I have put stb in front of WH)
And now how good of a friend is it that your ex ne'er me told him you guys were divorced? Doesn't say much of how good of a friend he is I guess.
And good answer from his friend on the spying from a wife. that turned out great. Did it shut your ex up.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wine is kicking in
Thanks to all who responded.
Made my night a whole lot better!

Good night,


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Cool  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry gma if this is not appropriate of me doing this

No problem ! I completely understand.

I too am not the same "nice" person anymore. I am very jaded. I want to be by myself more and more. I don't trust. I don't feel much love. I don't care about things.I don't feel like being a nice person anymore

We all do change after this crap is over. I am still jaded but it has improved the farther away from the divorce I get.
I have always been a compassionate emotional personality but now I'm more in control, more selective who I give it to, who I trust with my emotions. The people that are deserving of my love and compassion I have selected more carefully.
I don't think all our changes are always a bad thing for us. I said similar in my profile story. I will become less jaded ( I already am after two years of divorce being final).

Living in the same house during divorce or separation is pure hell. The good thing is, it doesn't last forever ! Thank- you God !

Once you are no longer living together, you'll be able to breathe and relax. It's will feel strange after a long time of not being either.
The way you feel right now isn't the way you'll feel in two months, 5 months, one year, five years. It only gets better.

In the mean time. keep busy, explore old interests, new interests, whatever you have to do to survive. You're gonna be OK. You will laugh again, if you are blessed, you will love again, trust the right people again,and you will feel for people that deserve your compassion again.
Hang in there, your doing well under such horrible circumstances.
Big Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20370 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes perfect sense. As does your bitterness---And any other emotional response you experience.

This is not you forever. Yes, you are changed. You always will be. But that does not mean that your current emotional state is forever. That evolves, too.

The stereotypical divorcee? You know, the bitter one? Yeah, sometimes at the time divorce is filed (or even finalizes) we're that way, and for damn good reason. Most of us end up feeling very differently by the time the ink has had a bit of time to dry.

It does get better--especially if you do not like the changes in yourself. No, you won't be "the same." You wouldn't be after any major life change. But that doesn't have to be an enduringly bad thing.

Signed,

Perhaps (formerly) the bitterest bitch on the planet, who yes--is "different" now, but truly only in good ways


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8667 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gma for understanding. It is why I put your name on the title to give you the full credit.
It is something I have been bothered about more and more. Actually it is the biggest reason I decided to finally end the "pretend marriage". I actually was talking to a close friend, about my change, a few weeks ago.
I am just not as good at words as others like you to explain it good. ( hated english, loved math )

Thanks to you too solus, it is good to know that this bitterness won't stay or get worse. I think if I was to stay in this marriage longer I would have turned into the worst kind of bitter person.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all
I want to scream at WH for wrecking my life...for being so selfish, immature, controlling and a jerk......and yet I have to stay silent to keep the peace.
This is what makes you an adult, not a spoiled little toddler. We ALL have these feelings. It's controlling your behavior that is the hard part. So kudos to you for being a mature human being!

Second, (sorry if this is a bit of a t/j) I strongly believe that our culture discourages women from feeling anger. If we are angry, no matter the reason, we are automatically a b!tch. We have to be sweet nurturing little doormats in order to be good wives and mothers. I have struggled a lot with this. My anger turned inward and I ended up in the psych hospital. When we are legitimately enraged, we should be able to express that in a healthy manner instead of being taught to bottle it all up inside

Look at nature. The female is almost always the larger and more dangerous of the species. Everyone knows not to get between a Momma Grizzly Bear and her cub. She can drive off a male twice her size with her ferocity. We should be allowed to be angry when provoked without automatically becoming a 'Preying Mantis' who eats her mate.

Okay, rant over. I feel better now.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAHA Gemini I love hearing rants like yours. I don't consider anyone TJing on my posts....the more info the better for me to gain insight to others suffering the same way.
Because of my thinking that way I find I have to be very careful not to TJ someone else's post

To be honest when it comes to my kids I can tend to be more aggressive.

But I feel that is part of why I keep my silence now....to keep the kids from feeling even more tension between me and STBXWH. We are still in house S. When we have our own places maybe then I can rip off at him and he can sulk in his own house away from the kids


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 36
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