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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He still can't be trusted
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Child-like behavior regarding him mentioning 6 am channel programming changes.

Sadly, I was a user of porn for decades. My wife did too. We used it together, we used it solo. It was a false intimacy we both reached for. I used it more than she, but now see it like I do an affair. ONS or LTA.....the destruction is the destruction.

14 months porn free and it feels great. I am learning to bounce my eyes and suppress my thoughts (12 step process to break my addiction/habit/compulsion). I am hopeful your husband became aware of programming changes as part of a process to break free from porn. His relaying his "knowledge" to you was inappropriate. You will notice a change in him all on your own as he breaks free from porn.

I understand your disgust regarding porn. I am disgusted by my own actions. But I do know I must take extra precautions to stay away from this temptation.....I am weak in this area and need my boundaries.


In a recent therapy session we discussed my turning away from porn. It was with a heavy heart I admitted I did not stop for or because of my wife (she was pretty much checked out of our M at that time.....may still have been using porn as far as I knew). I stopped as part of my 180.

I saw it for what it was.....sexual sin. I saw it was blocking my relationship with God. I desired that relationship to grow, so I had to repent. Sin blocks this relationship.

Therapist said I am in a healthier spot because of my motivation to quit. Said if I had quit for my wife it would have been a throw back to my codependent ways (I'll win my wife's love back.....sort of thing).

The healthiest thing would have been if I went to my wife early in our relationship and said something like "I love you. Porn is hurting my relationship with you and keeping me from a deeper relationship with God. I am going to get help and stop. I would appreciate your forgiveness and support as I change."

But I am not stuck in the past. I am grateful I have broken this cycle in my life.

By the way.....using porn is hardly ever about sex. (One of the lies I told myself to allow myself to keep using it). It is a void-filler, a coping mech. I reached for it when I felt isolated. My go-to male friend I lean on after my wife's A used it when he was under stress. I shared my struggle with a select group of 4 guys at work. 3 have struggled with this temptation too....."just sex" was never cited as a reason. The 4th guy chooses and embraces porn.

Long response.....anything porn related triggers me.

I WAS "that guy".

I am sorry for my choices.

I am proof a person can break out of that bondage.

Every Mans Battle by Steve Arterburn was a key start to this journey to change.

It's not your battle to fight for your husband, but do you know if he actually has a plan or is part of a program? Just avoiding temptation is part of it, but there is way more than that....for starters, he needs to backfill those voids in him that porn was filling. Backfill with healthy, constructive habits. He most likely doesn't know what that is and is part of the reason he chose porn to begin with. IC will help him understand himself better.

4-6 weeks of no porn.....that is when a shift inside me occurred.

I'm sorry for your continued pain. I'm sorry I was like so many other men out there. I'm sorry I used "societal norms" to justify a destructive choice.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:36 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helpful insights blake.

I find the childlike behavior dominates every aspect of life. That's not to say there aren't things that he steps up to do, because there are.

The porn itself seems like one of those childlike indulgences.

The whole "I want to do better", followed by small decisions that lead back to more of the same. The decisions are so minute, that they probably seem harmless, yet...I can see that he is aware of the magnitude.

He doesn't realize that when he shares his "knowledge", I am learning something other than what he thinks I am learning. I am learning that he knows better, that he is aware, and that he is choosing (either by direct decision making or lack thereof) this path each and every time. And I am finding it harder than ever to accept the apologies that follow.

The fact that he thinks I am punishing him is telling. I would think he would know by know that I don't operate that way. I don't punish my children or the students I work with. I use natural consequence to guide toward self discipline, so why on Earth would that be different with him? Why would he even perceive me in a role to "punish" and subsequently his behavior toward me, is in fact, that of a rebellious child. I am not his mother, nor an authority figure for him, yet somehow he views me in that role.
Every time I refuse the role, he acts out to place me back into it.

And when I don't assume the role, I think it makes him feel...unloved. He sulks and assigns/projects emotions and thoughs onto me that I am not feeling or thinking.

I don't have the energy
...to be the porn police
...to be his confessional
...to dole out his hail mary's
...to be responsible for how he feels

His whole A is and was a part of this dynamic. The porn just another layer. It's all one and the same.

He has gone to counselors for years for his issues. And in some ways, I feel as though this was a way to hold onto them, and still be able to say things like "I'm working on it" or "I'm trying"

I have to wonder if the times he went 60 days with no porn, were truly without it in some way. While he may not have used real porn, I think billboards whizzing by on the train, were probably just as good.

I imagine it's hard to live in a world that continually feeds the demons inside. But they aren't mine to battle.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:43 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 22
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