Topic: What did infidelity take away from you?
♀ New Member
Member # 38614
| Posted: 8:50 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014|
It took away all of the colors of my world. My life is grey now.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 43122
| Posted: 10:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014|
My WW's 3 year affair has taken away my security, my self-esteem, my confidence, my trust, and discolored my memories of the past years. I hope that with a remoresful wife the first 4 will be restored with time. But the memories of the last 3 years are all recast in the shadow of her affair.
BS me 41
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011
Posts: 104 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 43335
| Posted: 10:55 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014|
My WH used to tell me how naive i was. He said it like he adored me for it.
I lost my naivety. Oh and that spark of life. I feel like a walking zombie.
Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 40779
| Posted: 11:47 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014|
My sanity, my self respect, my world
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.
Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 35846
| Posted: 12:04 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
We are many years out.
In the first few years I may have had some of the same responses.
Going through this process I have gained so much more than I lost.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
We have R'd
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40567
| Posted: 12:42 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
It took away my faith that people are telling the truth. I know I'm giving the world a false appearance of my marriage. I now look at others and wonder what is the real story behind the public facade?
It also has and continues to take time and money (for counseling) away. he wasted $1300 on marriage counseling while he was still lying but saying I was nuts for still not trusting that I had the whole story.
Also I trust no one except my immediate family. And animals. I trust them still!!
[This message edited by PollyA at 12:49 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]
BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -
Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Member # 41884
| Posted: 4:23 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
God bless you Karmahappens for once again offering us some form of hope for what seems now to be such a dismal future...
BW: 44 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 39803
| Posted: 12:45 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
I lost my ignorance, and one, really crappy friend!
me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.
I edit, therefore I am.
Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41922
| Posted: 7:03 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
What it did NOT take away, my ability to trust, to love or have confidence in myself.What if did take away, simple innocent belief in what people say to you personally (yes,I was that naive), that love somehow protects you, that treating people decently means you will be treated such. A wild ride, with deep painful lessons.
Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42945
| Posted: 7:17 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
Infidelity has taken away:
My best friend
My sense of security
My feeling someone had my back
The safeness of his arms
Trust in him
Trust in myself
Trusting people in general
That feeling of being special to your partner
The feeling of being loved
My love for him
My thoughtfulness and kindness because I just don't give a shit anymore
My sense of security at work because she keeps showing up there
My will to live
Me -BS 39
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo
Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 32051
| Posted: 7:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
I mean this absolutely.
In the long term, infidelity took nothing from me. I'm a better person today than I was before the infidelity. I have better relationships with my sisters, mother, father and kids. I have a better relationship with my wife. I have a better work life balance. I could go on. The infidelity didn't make it happen, I did. We have that power.
Now, it did take away 30 pounds for awhile on the infidelity diet. That's come back.
It took away a good deal of sleep for awhile.
It hurt. It was miserable. But I'm here, whole and happy. And, I would have been with or without reconciling.
I don't in any way intend this to diminish the pain and the very real loss many experience. I'm sending a message that says you can emerge on the other side a strong, healthy, fullfilled person.
all the best
Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010
Posts: 1499 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 25364
| Posted: 7:30 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
It took away so much of my soul, but the worst thing was it took away several years of my boys' childhood that they will never get back. It took away their innocence.
In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?
Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Member # 41633
| Posted: 8:19 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
It took away:
- the feeling someone truly had my best interest at heart
- believing my H would sacrifice anything for our kids
- true love. I feel it never existed
-security. He was my safe place
But. I still have my self respect. That's something he will never get bavk
Posts: 359 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 34755
| Posted: 8:43 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
I've lost myself.
BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ New Member
Member # 43185
| Posted: 9:58 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014|
Lost my confidence & ability to trust. I have gained some anxiety & depression. Uggghhhh, sickening.
DDay 1 2 months before wedding
DDay 2 Sept2006(denied til Dec'11)
2009 my A (open relationship BS)
2010 FALSE R
DDay Dec 2011
False R for 2 years
DDAY Jan 2014
3 awesome kids! (My light)
Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42952
| Posted: 1:42 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014|
It took away my
I think most everything else falls into those categories in some way....
The way I used to look at the world? Naïve. I thought what you put out you got in return and if I nurtured my M I would be somehow able to avoid this situation.
The way I used to be when out in public and around strangers in stores, etc? Optimistic and Naïve. now I analyze everyone for their pain, if they could be an OW, etc.
The memories of our life before or during the As? Time. lost time, painful to look back on, robbed memories.
The time he wasted taking the OW places I should have been instead or took off work to see them? Time. Wasted time, lost money and lost opportunities for us.
The fact that none of the OW meant a thing to him and he felt it was all a waste even while he was doing it? Time. Lost time that he didn't need to waste on these people.
The state of my M? Naïve. I believed that the M was happy and therefore the As were not capable of happening. I assumed people have As when they're not getting love, attention or something else at home...it never occurred to me that there are cases where people have As because of their own issues and not the M.
My relationship with the ILs? Naïve. I thought they loved me like their own, but now I realize that's not the case. Not only did I lose a relationship with them, but I lost my naïve view of who MIL was.
My ability to always find the bright side? Optimism. I no longer feel optimistic about everything in life or believe that if I do good things I will get good things in return. I have fallen out of my 'happy bubble' where if I avoided bad things, bad things wouldn't happen to me. I guess in a way this one was a good thing, but I miss the MUCh happier me who always had good things to say.
And so on and so on...I think you get the point, I feel I've lost a lot but if I group them into these 3 categories it feels less overwhelming because this list could go on and on. One thing that sums up what I feel I lost the most was ME. I feel I've lost the person I used to be. The person I liked being. Now I feel like I'm just a shell of who I was, painfully spending too much time being the victim and wanting so badly to be strong enough to just live a normal life again. Problem is, I still want my old naïve life back....the life where I never would have suspected this could happen to me and where I didn't feel so weak.
And what have I gained from all of this? STD testing and a health scare, a WH who is finally treating me the way I deserved to be all along, constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if the OW are around, learning that I need to change my life long coping mechanisms to be able to survive this. I know everything in life can be used as a learning opportunity, however I am nowhere near the stage where I can say that the positives are there. I think if I felt the M was failing more before hand then I would feel I was 'repairing it' in some way and that could be a 'positive' because I'm a fixer, but in our case the M felt very strong always even during the As...makes it hard to find the 'growth' in the M post DDay, but I do see major growth in WH, just don't feel I'm doing the same...I thought I was pretty darn good before, now I feel like an angry, mean, emotional person.
Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As
Posts: 671 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 41655
| Posted: 6:27 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014|
I. have lost my trust in him, the belief that we shared values, my happiness, my motivation at work and in life generally, the ability (like others) to say he would never do that to me, the belief that I would end the marriage if he did. He's not the person I thought he was - but nor am I.
I've lost 40% of my body weight, and in doing so have gained a fitness level (at 59) that I've never had. That's one upside - but it comes at the cost of hours that I no longer spend reading novels. I've also gained a closer relationship with my daughters because all this has meant I am better at showing my emotions.
In terms of our marriage - no gains yet. Thanks to those who made positive posts about this - I'm hoping .......
Me: BS 59
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found
Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42486
| Posted: 1:22 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014|
It has taken away my ability to relax where we live, loved it here now hate it, Xow too close, thats what it has done.Love my husband, but hate it here where we live now......
me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren
Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Member # 30314
| Posted: 1:34 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014|
It has taken away my ability to relax where we live
same here. very unfair. it's up to me now though. I'm not going to make someone move for me. He knows how I feel about it. If it gets to be too much I'll just leave myself and if he follows so be it.
I would never expect this of him.
his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30817
| Posted: 1:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014|
Not a goddamn thing.
I'm sitting with Karma and Warp here, not in any way to dimish the place many of you still find yourselves. But today, many years out, it took nothing. I'm me. I'm different, but I'm me. I won't let it take anything from me, not any more.
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi
Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
|Topic Posts: 54|