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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What did infidelity take away from you?
heartslammedshut
♀ New Member
Member # 38614
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took away all of the colors of my world. My life is grey now.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW's 3 year affair has taken away my security, my self-esteem, my confidence, my trust, and discolored my memories of the past years. I hope that with a remoresful wife the first 4 will be restored with time. But the memories of the last 3 years are all recast in the shadow of her affair.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
feelingdrained
♀ New Member
Member # 43335
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH used to tell me how naive i was. He said it like he adored me for it.

I lost my naivety. Oh and that spark of life. I feel like a walking zombie.


Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2014
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sanity, my self respect, my world


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Sep 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are many years out.

In the first few years I may have had some of the same responses.

Going through this process I have gained so much more than I lost.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took away my faith that people are telling the truth. I know I'm giving the world a false appearance of my marriage. I now look at others and wonder what is the real story behind the public facade?

It also has and continues to take time and money (for counseling) away. he wasted $1300 on marriage counseling while he was still lying but saying I was nuts for still not trusting that I had the whole story.

Also I trust no one except my immediate family. And animals. I trust them still!!

[This message edited by PollyA at 12:49 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God bless you Karmahappens for once again offering us some form of hope for what seems now to be such a dismal future...


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 744 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost my ignorance, and one, really crappy friend!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What it did NOT take away, my ability to trust, to love or have confidence in myself.What if did take away, simple innocent belief in what people say to you personally (yes,I was that naive), that love somehow protects you, that treating people decently means you will be treated such. A wild ride, with deep painful lessons.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2014
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity has taken away:

My self-esteem
My best friend
My sense of security
My joy
My faith
My happiness
My feeling someone had my back
The safeness of his arms
Trust in him
Trust in myself
Trusting people in general
My smile
My laughter
That feeling of being special to your partner
The feeling of being loved
My love for him
My identity
My thoughtfulness and kindness because I just don't give a shit anymore
My sense of security at work because she keeps showing up there
Sex
Intimacy
My will to live


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean this absolutely.

In the long term, infidelity took nothing from me. I'm a better person today than I was before the infidelity. I have better relationships with my sisters, mother, father and kids. I have a better relationship with my wife. I have a better work life balance. I could go on. The infidelity didn't make it happen, I did. We have that power.

Now, it did take away 30 pounds for awhile on the infidelity diet. That's come back.

It took away a good deal of sleep for awhile.

It hurt. It was miserable. But I'm here, whole and happy. And, I would have been with or without reconciling.

I don't in any way intend this to diminish the pain and the very real loss many experience. I'm sending a message that says you can emerge on the other side a strong, healthy, fullfilled person.

all the best


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1525 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took away so much of my soul, but the worst thing was it took away several years of my boys' childhood that they will never get back. It took away their innocence.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took away:
- the feeling someone truly had my best interest at heart
- believing my H would sacrifice anything for our kids
- true love. I feel it never existed
-security. He was my safe place

But. I still have my self respect. That's something he will never get bavk


Posts: 387 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything.

I've lost myself.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jbluebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43185
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost my confidence & ability to trust. I have gained some anxiety & depression. Uggghhhh, sickening.


Married 2005
DDay 1 2 months before wedding
DDay 2 Sept2006(denied til Dec'11)
2009 my A (open relationship BS)
2010 FALSE R
DDay Dec 2011
False R for 2 years
DDAY Jan 2014

3 awesome kids! (My light)


Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took away my
1) naivety
2) optimism
3) time

I think most everything else falls into those categories in some way....

The way I used to look at the world? Naïve. I thought what you put out you got in return and if I nurtured my M I would be somehow able to avoid this situation.

The way I used to be when out in public and around strangers in stores, etc? Optimistic and Naïve. now I analyze everyone for their pain, if they could be an OW, etc.

The memories of our life before or during the As? Time. lost time, painful to look back on, robbed memories.

The time he wasted taking the OW places I should have been instead or took off work to see them? Time. Wasted time, lost money and lost opportunities for us.

The fact that none of the OW meant a thing to him and he felt it was all a waste even while he was doing it? Time. Lost time that he didn't need to waste on these people.

The state of my M? Naïve. I believed that the M was happy and therefore the As were not capable of happening. I assumed people have As when they're not getting love, attention or something else at home...it never occurred to me that there are cases where people have As because of their own issues and not the M.

My relationship with the ILs? Naïve. I thought they loved me like their own, but now I realize that's not the case. Not only did I lose a relationship with them, but I lost my naïve view of who MIL was.

My ability to always find the bright side? Optimism. I no longer feel optimistic about everything in life or believe that if I do good things I will get good things in return. I have fallen out of my 'happy bubble' where if I avoided bad things, bad things wouldn't happen to me. I guess in a way this one was a good thing, but I miss the MUCh happier me who always had good things to say.

And so on and so on...I think you get the point, I feel I've lost a lot but if I group them into these 3 categories it feels less overwhelming because this list could go on and on. One thing that sums up what I feel I lost the most was ME. I feel I've lost the person I used to be. The person I liked being. Now I feel like I'm just a shell of who I was, painfully spending too much time being the victim and wanting so badly to be strong enough to just live a normal life again. Problem is, I still want my old naïve life back....the life where I never would have suspected this could happen to me and where I didn't feel so weak.

And what have I gained from all of this? STD testing and a health scare, a WH who is finally treating me the way I deserved to be all along, constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if the OW are around, learning that I need to change my life long coping mechanisms to be able to survive this. I know everything in life can be used as a learning opportunity, however I am nowhere near the stage where I can say that the positives are there. I think if I felt the M was failing more before hand then I would feel I was 'repairing it' in some way and that could be a 'positive' because I'm a fixer, but in our case the M felt very strong always even during the As...makes it hard to find the 'growth' in the M post DDay, but I do see major growth in WH, just don't feel I'm doing the same...I thought I was pretty darn good before, now I feel like an angry, mean, emotional person.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I. have lost my trust in him, the belief that we shared values, my happiness, my motivation at work and in life generally, the ability (like others) to say he would never do that to me, the belief that I would end the marriage if he did. He's not the person I thought he was - but nor am I.

I've lost 40% of my body weight, and in doing so have gained a fitness level (at 59) that I've never had. That's one upside - but it comes at the cost of hours that I no longer spend reading novels. I've also gained a closer relationship with my daughters because all this has meant I am better at showing my emotions.

In terms of our marriage - no gains yet. Thanks to those who made positive posts about this - I'm hoping .......


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2013
joannie
♀ Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has taken away my ability to relax where we live, loved it here now hate it, Xow too close, thats what it has done.Love my husband, but hate it here where we live now......


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has taken away my ability to relax where we liv
e

same here. very unfair. it's up to me now though. I'm not going to make someone move for me. He knows how I feel about it. If it gets to be too much I'll just leave myself and if he follows so be it.

I would never expect this of him.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a goddamn thing.

I'm sitting with Karma and Warp here, not in any way to dimish the place many of you still find yourselves. But today, many years out, it took nothing. I'm me. I'm different, but I'm me. I won't let it take anything from me, not any more.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 54
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