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Newest Member: WoundedSpirit (45440)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: cheating wife
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you can't know right now whether you'll stay married or get divorced, I advise against doing anything to get her fired now. Sure, you'd get satisfaction now, but might regret it when writing periodic checks to her for spousal support. The fear of firing mMay be real if she is in a supervisory position over him at work. Companies are scared to death of sexual harassment suits, and supervisor - worker affairs are seen as "quid pro quo" situations, not 'off campus' activities. They can't fire the underling without risking such a suit.

You have a serial cheater for a WW. And one who learned nothing from episode 1. If she's serious about counseling, that's good, but I'd question if she's more concerned about losing her safety net of a home. Read about "cake eating" in many threads here.

You can and will go on without her if you choose to do so. You cannot control her behavior, only yours. That's the lesson the 180 teaches you, Read up on it in the healing library and think about its implementation. She'll either leave or attempt to reconcile if you are firm with her. Don't let tears and rugs weeping sway your decision this time.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
ambush
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Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Picking up my WW tonight after a long time apart. I've been nervous the whole day. I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I started looking into different counseling options, but I have a feeling she's not serious about changing.

Also contacted a lawyer. One hour advising session with the senior partner is $500. One hour with the associate partners is $250. Is it normally that expensive to seek legal advice with a good law firm?


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Call aroind and ask on the phone for initial conference fees.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:16 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep your cool talking to your wife. Don't let what she says escalate.

Yes, call around and get other lawyer fees. $500 is pretty steep. $250 with the associate would be better. The only difference is most likely the number of years out of law school. The more years they have been attorney's, the higher their fee sometimes...At least that is what someone told me.

If you know of anyone who had to get divorced, ask them if they can recommend a lawyer.


Posts: 4155 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found many family attorneys in Texas that give free counseling on the first visit. You don't have to get the most expensive for initial advice. See at least three and take notice of what they all say. You will hear common legal advice from them on your rights. This will at least give you a good idea on your options.

I had narrowed down mine to two choices. One was experienced at mediation if my WW stayed amicable, the other who charged 450/hr and was a real pit bull, who represented pro athletes, should my WW become a total bitch. None of them charged me for the first consult. Fortunately, I ended up using the mediator specialist.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 567 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry you are here. You sound like a strong person to be able to deal with this all on your own. I think if you can find one person you trust, friend or family, you should tell them. I was really torn up when I found out about my ww. It was excruciating in so many ways. And I felt like I couldn't tell anyone. And I'm not sure why? Embarrassed, don't want questions or judgement, don't want my personal business out in the open, not sure what will happen, don't want peoples opinions or help, don't want to have outsiders influencing things going forward, and so on and so on I guess. However, I told a friend (not everything) but some, and it immediately felt 50% better. Then I told a family member everything and it felt really good, like releasing a pressure valve that was about to burst.

For me, telling someone eliminated a lot of internal negative conflict. I realized it wasn't the end of the world. It really helped me and I would highly suggest it. I hope you can find comfort and there is someone you can tell in person. I just worry if all that conflict and pressure isn't released it can manifest in really bad ways.

I also found sharing here on si was really helpful. Best of luck to you.

Me(bh), ww, 30s
Dday1 1/15/14, 1yr EA
Dday2 4/21/14, 6 mo PA
Together 5 yrs, M 1.5
Separated


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
ambush
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Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel too strong right now. There are times when I feel like I'm having some kind of anxiety attack. My heart starts beating fast and I start breathing heavy. Sometimes it happens when I'm at work and I can't do anything.

I told my wife we can go to her work place to see this guy together. She doesn't want to do that. She'd rather do everything over the phone, but she hasn't done this yet either. I'm pretty sure she's already contacted this guy and warned him. She tells me she's sorry all the time but doesn't seem to do anything to prove it and help us move forward.

I know I keep too much stuff inside me. I'm still not comfortable with telling anyone I know. If I told someone, it would be my mom but that might cause more issues down the road. I'm glad I'm able to post here and share. It helps me a lot.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
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Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel too strong right now. There are times when I feel like I'm having some kind of anxiety attack. My heart starts beating fast and I start breathing heavy. Sometimes it happens when I'm at work and I can't do anything.

Of course. Your world has been shaken, its traumatic psychological chaos. I couldn't function for close to 6 months adequately. I obsessed over every detail. Went through all the gyrations trying to understand the unthinkable and it sucked. You need to find a way to care for yourself. Do things you enjoy, force yourself to eat, exercise. This shit isn't for the faint at heart. She put a dagger through your heart and destroyed your marriage. That is rough.


I told my wife we can go to her work place to see this guy together. She doesn't want to do that. She'd rather do everything over the phone, but she hasn't done this yet either. I'm pretty sure she's already contacted this guy and warned him. She tells me she's sorry all the time but doesn't seem to do anything to prove it and help us move forward.

Look this may seem counter intuitive. But why does she have a say in how any of this goes down? Of course she has warned him, and she's hoping to manage this so she can save face and avoid giving up anything. YOUR IN CHARGE! If you want to go face to face. DO IT. If you want to call do that. She lost her say in the marriage when she decided to fuck dip shit. She is free to leave, but her staying is on YOUR terms. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can see if she will follow through with behaviors to fix this.

Watch her, her actions will tell you if she is in. If not, move forward to protect yourself.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
ambush
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Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the last guy, she told me she would end it herself and she kept the affair going. I wasn't going to let her do that again. It was a struggle to get her to call the guy but she finally did this weekend. She could barely talk to him and just told him it's over. The conversation was pretty short. Whenever I get on the phone, he hangs up. I told my wife, I want to forget about everything in the past and just move forward, and I mean it. I'm not even angry anymore..just want to move forward together or have her be honest with me and end it. But I have a feeling she's just lying to me again. The OM called my home phone once and hung up when I picked up. He's also having other people text for him to check on how my wife is doing. She started working in the same place again today and she told me he never contacted her there and he might be off. Kind of hard for me to believe that.

I'm thinking I may need to install spyware on her phone. I hate thinking about doing it but I feel like I need to know the truth. Has anyone used this before and is it effective?


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to go into major snoop mode. You are getting lied to again and you are absolutely correct that she has already contacted him before coming home. You need to lay down the law on how it is going to be and stop telling her you just want to move forward. You are just sweeping this under the rug and are in for a lot lore pain. You need to get to D papers ready and tell her the next contact with any other men that are inappropriate will end your relationship. Until she believes that you are a punching bag

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tren0R201
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Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my wife, I want to forget about everything in the past and just move forward, and I mean it. I'm not even angry anymore..just want to move forward together

So she cheated once, now she's cheated again and you just want to forget about everything and move on?

Guess what's going to happen again.

There were no consequences for her actions last time, there will be no consequences this time and she's still working at the same place..why?

She quits her job, she writes a no contact letter, she gives you access to phone, email, passwords and she goes to MC.

These are non negotiable. She refuses. You file for divorce because you just "forgetting" about it and moving on means she's only going to do it in the future or go underground with this affair.


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jun 2013
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ambush

Your wife is a liar and cheater.

Treat her like one.

Go to your states website and print out your states divorce forms.

Leave them on the kitchen table.

Tell your wife that if she does not straighten out that you will be filing for divorce.

Tell her you want the marriage to work but it takes two to make a marriage.

She needs to prove to you she wants to be married and part of your family.

Then watch her actions.

You should put a var in her car and spyware on her phone.

You will have your answer shortly.

And yes you should DNA your kids just to be on the safe side.

Has your wife been tested for std's?

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
ambush
♂ New Member
Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably shouldn't have been this nice to her. My feelings were genuine and once I said all that to her, I thought she would just quit her job and tell the guy off. I never learn.

I'll probably use some of the tracking tools that you mentioned, but since she's working in the same place with him she's probably going to be very careful and go underground.

Up until now, she's been telling me she hasn't even talked to him since she started working there again. I know it's just lies.

We have three kids that I love and many years together where I thought we were happy. It's hard for me to just give up on everything.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
twisted
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Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ambush, you've already blown your cover, now she is one step ahead of you.
First, never reveal your sources.
Second , never believe anything she tells you, in fact, assume she is concocting a lie.
Find the name of the OM and see if he's married, if so, expose. Under no circumstances do you give your WW advance notice of anything you plan to do. She gets to find out AFTER the fact.
Tell her you are having DNA tests done on all the kids. You can buy the kits to send in at any drug store now.
I like the divorce forms left on the kitchen table idea as suggested by happyman64, and the other ideas are right on.
You need to call ALL the shots from now on, quit negotiating. Ask her if she has a place to stay, because you are never to move out, even temporarily. Search for more evidence, in the house, on the computer, in her car, in her closet, everywhere. Make copies and don't show your hand until you're ready.
You need to blow this up.
Get a lawyer today.

[This message edited by twisted at 3:13 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 923 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my wife, I want to forget about everything in the past and just move forward, and I mean it.
You made your wife very happy when you said that, except not for the reasons you intended to.

She thinks she can do what she wants, be discrete and no problems.

Under no circumstances do you give your WW advance notice of anything you plan to do.
Ever, it will be used against you.

Can you tell her to quit this job? If that is economically doable, she should quit working with the OM.

Does she come home on time after work. Can you be there unannounced at lunch.


Posts: 4155 | Registered: Jun 2002
Better4it
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Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ambush,

You're story is so much like mine. Like you I was willing to do whatever it took to keep my family together. Even if that meant swallowing my pride. My family is everything to me. If you really want a change in your relationship with your wife, meaning respect, loyalty and healing? You must start with the 180. No matter how hard it is to be hardened and cold you must stand your ground. One of two things will happen. She'll either quit her games or she'll continue her distructive behavior. Unfortunately for me I waited 22 years before I found SI and realized I've been sabotaging my own marriage by trying to be the ONLY one trying to make changes in my marriage. I've endured 4 d-days. I've kept my wife's secrets for 20 years. This in itself is damaging. I'm finally done with trying to save my WW. I'll always love her but I'm done being her knight and shining armor. If you continue down this path without your WW getting into IC and finding out why she allows herself to destroy her family you'll be just like me. One day you'll wake up and realize you're no longer the happy, fun and outgoing guy you used to be. You can stop this in it's tracks. Get into IC and follow the 180. You'll be so glad you stood up for yourself when you look back on this trying time in your life.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
ambush
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Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying the 180. I'm not completely successful with it. I can't really be happy and content when she is around. Conversations are short. Last night I didn't sleep next to her and that made her angry.

Sometimes like yesterday night, I just don't want to be near her. She got angry with me when I came home to check up on her during my lunch time. Then I think she went out early before work to meet the OM soon after I left. She denied it of course. She lied about the other guy and she's most likely lying about this one. My wife is very hesitant about going to MC. I think it's because she is very defensive and doesn't want to get blamed for anything. She keeps saying she's sorry, but I don't really see any true remorse.

Better4it, it's only been 4 years since the first D day for me. I can't imagine enduring this for as long as you have. I don't think I have the strength or patience for it.

I hate feeling this way about my wife. I used to trust her completely. Now I don't believe anything she says. What good is having a partner you can't trust?


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
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