However, in the beginning I asked frequency of contact, where different acts took place, how many times the MOM was in our cars, our home, etc, different sexual positions, feelings, and so much more. I was able to get through most all of it when we were trying to R. I had a lot of help from my IC, but it was tough.
The way I think about it now, is that when my WW was doing those things, she stopped being my wife. She became something else. She became someone I knew would never be the same. I was willing to give us a change and I tried 100%, but she was already too far gone.
I do not regret asking her about all of these things, because at least my mind is never going to wander...I just chose to replace the memories of what she told me, with new memories of my life without her.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
[This message edited by BrokenheartedWif at 1:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
I don't know how to process the information he is giving me.
Of course! Nothing in life can prepare you for this. The info is horrendous and very difficult to take in, much less understand.
I processed the info in bits and pieces. That means I asked some questions many times along the way.
There's no right or wrong way for everyone to do this, JOMD. Just have faith in yourself to survive while you're getting the details you want in the best way you can figure out.
Take in what you can the first time you get it, and go over the info again when you're ready.
R is working very well for me. It's still tough for my W, but she's still committed to doing the work. I still ask questions. They're no longer traumatic for either of us. Life really does get better.
I know everyone has said take your time processing it but I feel almost a manic need to get the whole timeline written down. Like once he has written it down, I will no longer feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop(ridiculous since we all know WS can drop a pile of pain at any point).
The details are excruciating. He knocked on the door of some girl he had never laid eyes on for a bj and a f$ck and kept meeting her over the course for almost two years. She's ugly and psychotic.
I wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up.
By October's revelation, I had had it. I felt like I could not start to put all of it past me until I knew everything. I wondered what ELSE there is for me to find out about...is she the only woman involved? For me, I did not want to hear sexual details. I just don't see the point. But I am concerned with the amount of money he spent on her and all of the lies about his whereabouts when he was spending time with her.
ETA: A couple other things...
Since it was taking so long for him to be forthright, I was able to piece together a timeline of my own based on texts from him over the 2 1/2 year period he was seeing her. All of the lies, etc. I read this to him when he was done with his. It was like a victim's statement. He got to hear what an asshole he sounded like and all about the damage he caused to me and his children by turning his back on the family.
The other good thing about him having to go through the process of reconstructing a timeline is that they have to take a personal inventory of themselves. It's not pretty. But when they have it all written down and have to read it and re-read it, they can no longer deny what complete assholes they were when they were engaged in affairs. They finally see what everyone else was seeing. It's a real wakeup call.
[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
we are working on it together now. every other night we sit with a pad of paper & work on it. she talks, i write & ask questions. we are maybe 1/5 through it (alot of betrayal) and i try not to throwup.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Oh honey I remember feeling that exact way for months. It won't always be like this.
Honestly, my FWH's A has gone from "horrific" to " incredibly stupid" on my emotion meter, and that's a blessing. In time you will realize it has less to do with you and everything to do with his dysfunction.
You're in a very raw time period. Be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone.