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User Topic: I asked for the timeline and it is killing me
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will have images and thoughts in my head for the rest of my life, because of what my STBXWW disclosed to me. It's not as bad as the MOM's wife. She found text messages between the two of them and they were graphic. the OMW said that she would never share any of those with me, because of what it had done to her (trauma-wise), and I am thankful for that.

However, in the beginning I asked frequency of contact, where different acts took place, how many times the MOM was in our cars, our home, etc, different sexual positions, feelings, and so much more. I was able to get through most all of it when we were trying to R. I had a lot of help from my IC, but it was tough.

The way I think about it now, is that when my WW was doing those things, she stopped being my wife. She became something else. She became someone I knew would never be the same. I was willing to give us a change and I tried 100%, but she was already too far gone.

I do not regret asking her about all of these things, because at least my mind is never going to wander...I just chose to replace the memories of what she told me, with new memories of my life without her.


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 682 | Registered: Dec 2013
BrokenheartedWif
♀ New Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lifeshattered if you haven't been over to the I can relate Long Term Affair (LTA)thread, you may want to go over to it. The deceit is mind numbing. Mine hasn't really done a time line. Claims he can't remember what year he killed our marriage by f**king that Adulterous Slut that was supposedly a friend and called herself an aunt to my children. I'll take an enemy any day, at least you are on the lookout for the knife, let alone an thermonuclear device.

[This message edited by BrokenheartedWif at 1:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to process the information he is giving me.

Of course! Nothing in life can prepare you for this. The info is horrendous and very difficult to take in, much less understand.

I processed the info in bits and pieces. That means I asked some questions many times along the way.

There's no right or wrong way for everyone to do this, JOMD. Just have faith in yourself to survive while you're getting the details you want in the best way you can figure out.

Take in what you can the first time you get it, and go over the info again when you're ready.

R is working very well for me. It's still tough for my W, but she's still committed to doing the work. I still ask questions. They're no longer traumatic for either of us. Life really does get better.

(((JOMD)))


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to everyone for the thoughtful responses.

I know everyone has said take your time processing it but I feel almost a manic need to get the whole timeline written down. Like once he has written it down, I will no longer feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop(ridiculous since we all know WS can drop a pile of pain at any point).

The details are excruciating. He knocked on the door of some girl he had never laid eyes on for a bj and a f$ck and kept meeting her over the course for almost two years. She's ugly and psychotic.

I wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JOMD- I felt exactly the same as you. DD for me was 3/2013. I experienced denial then TT from March through October. The more I reflect on the experience the more I realize how BAD it was on HIS part to keep up the charade. I see he was only protecting himself. For example, I asked him when he finally admitted to the affair if she had been on such and such trip with him (she works for a company he is involved with). He said she was only on X trip, no others. He was adamant. Come to find out 5 months later that the girl WAS on X trip and he was making it out like there was a group of people from the company on the business trip. Then I find out two months later it was ONLY the two of them, there was no business and the company had zero idea about the trip. WTF? He could not tell me that 2 months earlier? These guys will stall for whatever reason - usually self preservation - if they think their version will work better for them than the actual facts do.

By October's revelation, I had had it. I felt like I could not start to put all of it past me until I knew everything. I wondered what ELSE there is for me to find out about...is she the only woman involved? For me, I did not want to hear sexual details. I just don't see the point. But I am concerned with the amount of money he spent on her and all of the lies about his whereabouts when he was spending time with her.

ETA: A couple other things...

Since it was taking so long for him to be forthright, I was able to piece together a timeline of my own based on texts from him over the 2 1/2 year period he was seeing her. All of the lies, etc. I read this to him when he was done with his. It was like a victim's statement. He got to hear what an asshole he sounded like and all about the damage he caused to me and his children by turning his back on the family.

The other good thing about him having to go through the process of reconstructing a timeline is that they have to take a personal inventory of themselves. It's not pretty. But when they have it all written down and have to read it and re-read it, they can no longer deny what complete assholes they were when they were engaged in affairs. They finally see what everyone else was seeing. It's a real wakeup call.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wifes timeline was rubbish.

we are working on it together now. every other night we sit with a pad of paper & work on it. she talks, i write & ask questions. we are maybe 1/5 through it (alot of betrayal) and i try not to throwup.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 527 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up.

Oh honey I remember feeling that exact way for months. It won't always be like this.

Honestly, my FWH's A has gone from "horrific" to " incredibly stupid" on my emotion meter, and that's a blessing. In time you will realize it has less to do with you and everything to do with his dysfunction.

You're in a very raw time period. Be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27
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