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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I thought he was a good guy once too :(
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday we went to a work event for WH. It was a family day that his work sponsored so we took so e of the kids and it was a great day. I got to meet a few of the people from his office for the first time as since we moved here I hadn't met them as he never took me to work events as that was his escape and chance to meet up with her if she was here or they were both in the same city together.

It was lovely except the last time I was in that area was a weekend he took the kids away to meet her. So of course the drive triggered me. Plus every time I met a new work mate and they said how wonderful he was I just wanted to scream at them that he was a good guy until he spent 5 months fucking another woman.

When does that go away? Will it? I used to be so proud of my husband and his achievements. But now I feel like he hasn't always been that good guy and I can't sing his praises like I used to and like I was so proud too :(


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know when you ever see the same man you married again. I would imagine it would be when you see his own horror at what he did and his attempts to deal with the broken parts of himself.

I use to be so proud of my H too. He presents himself as such a nice guy, works with kids, and is constantly building people up with praise. He gets all kinds of admiration in our small town.

But, I know that he has used porn to meet his needs instead of learning true intimacy in marriage for half our marriage, that he lived a double life for almost two years and told no one in his actual life, and that he still has no idea how much he has damaged me by both of those choices because he focuses on his own experiences of my bad communication skills.

People constantly tell me how wonderful he is, kids are always running up to say hi, and he has an reputation for being a dynamic teacher full of integrity.

I feel like I hold an evil secret that very few people know about him. I resent that and hope with all my heart that I am right in believing that he would never cross boundaries with children the way he has with porn and his A. If I found out he did, I would never forgive myself for staying with him.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wrestled with this, and in fact continue to struggle with it. I was so proud of my husband and so proud of our marriage. Now, sometimes I look at him and I see him as a weak, impulsive character with dodgy morals and it makes me so sad.

What I have to try to remember is that there is more to my husband than the affair. Right now the affair is clouding my impression of him, it's blocking out all the good stuff; but I have to try to still see the good stuff. As he works to fix his issues and puts time and effort into our marriage and our R, I am hoping that the good things he is doing will help me to look past the A.

One thing that also helps me is to know that now I know and acknowledge the REAL him. I am no longer living under any illusions about who he is - this is important to me because I only discovered the A 8.5 years after it ended. I like knowing that I have all the facts about who I am married to. For a while there I feel like I was living with Hannibal Lecter, thinking he was Prince Charming


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Itsaclimb hit the nail on the head.
The affair won't define them forever. Is your dday in April? That is so soon -- I know it is hard, seeing your husband differently than you did. But in time, and with work, a different picture will emerge. A more nuanced one maybe, and an imperfect one, but one that is real. And, it is better to love what is real than an illusion.

I used to say my H was "the best person I knew." It hurts to not be able to say that right now, and mean it. Will I be able to say that exact same thing again? I don't know -- but he is a man working hard, and in many ways, I didn't really see him accurately before. I think his trying to appear so "good" actually prevented him from coming to me when he was in danger of falling into the affair, which might have prevented it.

So, good things can come from this -- have faith.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I could have written this post. I will be following looking for any advice. Both me and WH are struggling with this. He sees himself as a good person who made a bad mistake. I am not there yet.


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sees himself as a good person who made a bad mistake. I am not there yet.

I spent 20+ years knowing my husband had a stronger moral compass than I did.

He was one of the best people I knew.

And one day he fell and really fell hard.

It didn't erase for me the things that I believed in him, I knew he was the same person in his core.

I watched him struggle with who he had allowed himself to become. I didn't need to beat him up for it, he did enough of that on his own.

He didn't understand how he let himself and his values go, how he could screw up so majorly as to inflict the kind of pain he did.

So he looked in, changed the broken pieces and stood up tall once again.

I find now, after this experience, I have more respect for him than before. He could have made excuses, blamed me, our marriage, the weather....but he didn't and never has.He blamed himself and has never once waivered from that truth.

He took the wheel and started the process to get the car out of the ditch, he didn't leave, run or hide. He faced himself, his truth.

He faced me and my pain every single day.

I truly respect the process he had to go through to get us here ( I had my own process, we all do)

So, yeah, stunnedmullet...if he does the work he needs to do to heal and right the wrongs, you can feel that pride again.

I used to be so proud of my husband and his achievements

I find I define achievevements differently now-a-days.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SM, I can relate to the, "He is such a good guy!" In fact a good friend told ME this past summer, "I hope you know how lucky you are."

When my H's grandfather died (my H was 17 at the time), his grand-dad said, "keep being the good guy, I know you are." Grandparents are not fooled.

My H is a good man. He is a good person. But he made a terrible choice. And he made it over and over again. He lost his way. Yours did too.

Like karma's H, mine has never pointed the finger at me. Never tried to pin this on me or work stresses or what have you. Partly bc of this, I knew his character was still in there and I think of what his grandfather said to him bc I know he is right.

This is going to take some time. You are so close to your D-Day. Keep breathing. Remain hopeful but look out for you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H never blamed me...he has had to listen to me say some pretty shitty things about his actions...but NOT his character....he owned his actions from day one...has he fallen off a pedestal? Sure but who put him there??
he is a good guy who made HORRIFIC choices...people...real people got hurt..severely by choices that were made...he owns HIS choices...he is working soo hard to be the man HE wants to be...
He is very appreciative for the chance to be well AND still be married to me and the father/ husband/friend/boss. He knows he is....I thank God every day for this revelation
Again thank you all for your wisdom


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 627 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of your replies. Yes he is here and working towards helping me heal. He also realises he needs to examine why he chose what to have the affair in the first place to make sure he never gets to that point again.

He is owning all of the wrongdoing. He is facing me everyday, when I cry, when I get silent, when I yell, when I fall in a heap, he is there to hold me and say sorry over and over again. I know he could have never told me (he told me I didn't find out) so I give him a lot of credit for that - I think that is one of the reasons why I am working on R with him. I guess at the moment aside from the kids, his two biggest achievements was gaining a sword of honour in the military reserves (where he met the OW) and getting this promotion (he started the EA whilst he had moved to the new city and I was home preparing to sell our house and move our family from everything familiar. Once we moved he started the PA 2 weeks later). So the fact that two of his huge achievements are tied in with her are really hard to feel good about them. Even talking with my brother who is in the military is a trigger for me. I felt so proud of these achievements, and did everything humanely possible to help him achieve them, but ultimately I gave him the space and the support to start an affair.

I do love him so very much, and I want to feel proud of him and love the fact that I am married to him like I used to. But it is now so heavily tainted with hurt that I don't know exactly if I will ever feel proud of him again.

This sucks

[This message edited by stunnedmullet at 11:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give yourself time. ..... you are too new to this trauma to see his good. Let him show you over and over again...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MailServer
♀ Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I feel this as well. After the 2nd DDay with him and OW I helped him at a work event. I too was told constantly what a "good guy he was" and I was "very lucky". After hearing that about 5 or 6 times I muttered under my breath "Yeah, I used to think that once upon a time". He didn't hear it. Don't know if someone else did. I didn't care.

I suffered through 3 more DDays.

He only recently owned his shit after he found out I consulted a divorce lawyer.

The new "timeline" puts the A at just about 3 years (give or take a few hours). Makes me want to scream at his coworkers... Yes, he is SUCH a good guy fucking his old High School friend for 3 years, taking her to big parties and events leaving me at home THINKING he's working, and gaslighting me, disrespecting me, devaluing me, while continuing EA for another 15-18 months after.

Sorry...bad day. Hugs to you SM and everyone else here.


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SM, this is the only part of your post that I feel I need to pull out for you.

but ultimately I gave him the space and the support to start an affair

You gave him space. Period.

You gave him support. Period.

You, did not, in any way, enable the A.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I have to add SM, that I totally get this train of thought as I thought this way too early in. My H's A took place away from where we live. So every time he went to meet the people at Head Office, or went to a conference or something that was for the "good of our family", he was taking advantage of my trust and also throwing work at me so what could I say? I am a SAHM so I would back down bc he is the money-maker.

But there I was with the kids, who were young and wild and I was exhausted.

But I did not enable the A. He owns it. 100%.

Hugs for you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"When does that go away? Will it? I used to be so proud of my husband and his achievements. But now I feel like he hasn't always been that good guy and I can't sing his praises like I used to and like I was so proud too :( "
****************

I know exactly what you mean. My husband is a high-achiever and a good guy. I was always so proud of him. Now it is so tough to get that back. To separate the affair from the rest of the man. It has been three and a half years and that part is getting better. Not there yet, but maybe someday.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, struggle with this.

I realized early that my H, although his behavior EXTREME, can be a "good guy"; however, he is the worst possible husband. Or was....we'll see.

The most difficult are friends who comment about how WONDERFUL our relationship is.

I haven't told many folks, and no one in my family, that for eight years my H met strange men off CL ads. The few I did tell say, "He's gay, so you need to leave.

So....they still think he's a wonderful husband. Hearing it makes me CRAZY!!!


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, struggle with this.

I realized early that my H, although his behavior EXTREME, can be a "good guy"; however, he is the worst possible husband. Or was....we'll see.

The most difficult are friends who comment about how WONDERFUL our relationship is.

I haven't told many folks, and no one in my family, that for eight years my H met strange men off CL ads. The few I did tell say, "He's gay, so you need to leave.

So....they still think he's a wonderful husband. Hearing it makes me CRAZY!!!


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
bytheboard
♀ Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how much I relate to this post (((Stunned)))... My husband is career military and when we go to military functions he is highly praised. It is so hard to see the deference and respect given to him and know what I know about his betrayals. Like you, I used to be SO proud... I felt honored to hold things down while he was on TDY. I had NO idea what he was really doing. I really hope that sense of pride comes back for both of us.... It is one of the things that I miss the most. Thinking of you...


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 60 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god I know! Me too! I put WS on a pedastel. I wanted to be as good as she was. Now it kills me to fear others say that. I want to scream that it's only because she's a better liar than me that she appears so good. What gets me the most was the reaction I got from AP2. She had the nerve to text me and call me selfish and tell me I don't deserve someone so good. Ugh. It's so funny how ignorant they can be. Because lying and cheating is the mark of a good person? She thinks because WS lied to me that she wasn't lying to her? Because she's so special? It's mind-numbing.

So no, she isn't as great as others see. I see how good she is...now. Or how good she is becoming. But that's the key. The ones successful at hiding infidelity are those that appear good to everyone they come in contact with. It's the ones who make you uncomfortable, that show their imperfections that you can trust. That are usually the good ones. You can trust their kindness, their anger and their other emotions, because you know they are genuine.

[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 5:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stunnedmullet -

Please remember to follow the guidelines of the Recon forum when posting. Name calling of the OW is not allowed. As a new member, please read over the site and forum guidelines.

If you have any questions, feel free to send myself or another mod a pm.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 35926 | Registered: Mar 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like this too. I am 2 years post dday and I still feel this way about my fWH. I am hoping with more time I will come to see him as a good person again. Right now I just see him as someone who will and can deceive me


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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