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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with flirts
WeHadItAll
♀ New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are going well with R - better than ever, really - but there's a recurring situation that always seems to catch me off guard: women flirting with my fWS.

It happens a lot (not to brag, but he's very good looking). Pre-A, I brushed it off, even felt a little pride since my man never flirted back in front of me. Post-A, I'm a little paranoid rage machine now that I know he was a horrible flirt when I wasn't around.

Since R, he's recognized and eliminated that behavior. He sometimes tells me about these women (often strangers who approach him when he's alone), and I believe he's not provoking or encouraging it. He basically cuts contact and leaves. I really do trust him on this issue. But... I still want to rip the faces off these presumptuous bitches. Not very civil - I think I can do better.

What I need: tips on how to behave like a classy human being in the face of infuriating flirts. What to say to be polite but firm with the offending woman? How to cue my fWS when I'm not comfortable with a situation without showing a lack of faith? Snappy comebacks for annoying drunk girls who say "don't worry, I'm not trying to flirt with your man' while flirting with my man?

One last thing: We aren't married yet, so he's not wearing a ring (I call him my fWS for convenience - but we've been together longer than most of my friends' marriages).

Any advice and zingers welcome!


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can completely relate to this. Crazz is very handsome and very charming - and not in a creepy way. He has thick/amazing hair, perfect teeth, sparkling blue eyes, handsome face, and is built like a fireman of fantasy caliber. I have often thought about carrying around a baseball bat just to fend off vultures.

Even though the A, I never wanted for attention from him and that is something that saved us when women would express interest. He usually has a hand in my back pocket or is flirting with me, and that sends a pretty strong signal anywhere we go. If some woman (or man - it's happened) is overtly flirting with him he dials up his affection for me. (Too bad I wasn't there with him at work, huh?)

How is your fWS with PDA's? That could be a good thing that you both could do as a team to fend off unwanted attention - let him send the signal that he only has eyes for you.

Also - I don't think that an "engagement ring" of sorts is out of the question for men. Obviously that doesn't put everyone off ( ) but it helps with people who have a shred of decency. There's nothing with him taking every opportunity to show the world that his heart is yours.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:18 AM, May 12th (Monday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17839 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
WeHadItAll
♀ New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Jrazz! Funny how that idea of PDA-as-defense didn't even cross my mind. He's always been more physically affectionate than I - both in public and in private. Maybe it's time to learn to love it!

I suppose figuring out a plan like this ahead of time with him is the best tactic to prevent/defuse flirting - except that there are a million shades of flirtation, and not all of them dangerous.

How do you define flirting anyway?


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something WH and I have been dealing with quite intensely here lately. He was always a flirt and always thought of it as harmless. Now, we both realize that it is not harmless.

In the past, WH always sought it out anywhere he would go (more so when I wasn't around). My WH is handsome as well with his thick, dark hair, blue eyes, cute dimples, and athletic build.

One thing I noticed was that those women and WH put out this vibe. It's the best I can describe it. It was like non-verbally broadcasting a neediness for attention. Flirting isn't always overt. It can be as small as checking someone out. WH is working hard on this issue because I have developed zero tolerance for it.

To be blunt, I don't expect to have to be the one to deal with them unless they are trying to flirt with me. I expect WH to handle them and their flirting with the same level of disrespect they are showing me, our marriage, and his commitment to me. If they give him an approving look and smile, I expect him to give them a dirty look and show his disgust. If they are brazen enough to try to engage him in overt flirting, then I expect him to shut them down hard. I expect him to treat them like the enemy who is trying to get him to blow his last chance in this marriage. If this means he comes across as rude, then so be it. He is being no more rude than they are.

I am past the point of trying to be polite. When it happens, I look at WH and just shake my head sometimes. Sometimes I flat out say we can't go anywhere without bringing them out of the woodwork while looking straight at them.

Of course, I'm to the point where I know that I can not be married to a flirt any longer. It isn't harmless because it hurts my feelings. It is how each and every one of WH's A's started.

And the ring never mattered. Women who do this do not care if he is wearing a ring or not. To put it another way, they don't even care if he has you at his side. A ring is even less of a speed bump for them.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about. Even that pide feeling preA. I do have to say PDA is the way to go. WS and I have always done this and it has always seemed to work. Too bad I wasn't with him on those drunkin nights at the bar ugh?
My WS and I are not married either. To be completely honest? Woman like that especially ones who are trying to flirt while you are standing/sitting right there will probably see a ring on his finger as just more of a challenge. A Woman who would respect the ring and stay away wouldn't try to flirt with a man who is obviously out with someone either


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I need: tips on how to behave like a classy human being in the face of infuriating flirts. What to say to be polite but firm with the offending woman? How to cue my fWS when I'm not comfortable with a situation without showing a lack of faith? Snappy comebacks for annoying drunk girls who say "don't worry, I'm not trying to flirt with your man' while flirting with my man?

A quick punch to the throat????
Oh ok not really socially acceptable.

A ring for him? Just to signal I'm not available. I suggest this because women really do pay attention to this. At least that will limit so of it.

This really does fall to your SO to put off the vibe that he isn't available. He needs to avoid making eye contact with the slutty bitches so they know he isn't interested. He also needs to be accountable and shut them down the second it starts.... Saying things like "My Beautiful SO is XYZ." By complimenting you, stating your relationship, it shows that he is crazy about you.

I'm not sure I have any zingers for you. I still think a good throat punch gets the message across quickly, and efficiently.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Wehaditall, I still laugh at the way my "friend" was flirting with my H last summer at a dinner party she hosted. She all but pushed me out of the way after a quick hug before embracing and kissing him! After an hour, she learned over the couch, breasts pushed together (she is a very good looking Irish lass), touched his arm and batted her lashes and said, "are you sure I get you another drink? Or anything?" Oh, it went on and on. Every time she reached for him, he reached for me. He would pull me into am embrace. He would comment on how hot I was (this seemed to turn her on even more!). But he was really trying all kinds of tricks to put some distance between them. I was furious by the time we got home but not at him, at her! I needed to say something to her that night but I am one of those, "well, she is hosting us and I don't want to be rude..." DUH!

you wrote...

Snappy comebacks for annoying drunk girls who say "don't worry, I'm not trying to flirt with your man' while flirting with my man?

Just look at her and say, "Actually, you are flirting - well at least you are trying too and your wasting your time. And pissing me off quite frankly."

I am hoping SisterMilkShake or Rebreather will drop in to offer a few gems.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2450 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or better yet, HE can say: Let me introduce you to the love of my life.

Let him do it. That sends a very clear message.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2450 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question. ... would you be wearing a ring too? Because seeing a man wearing a ring with a woman who is not might get a little confusing...lol or is the ring just for when he is solo?


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snappy comebacks for annoying drunk girls who say "don't worry, I'm not trying to flirt with your man' while flirting with my man?

1. Oh, believe me, I know you are nothing to worry about. (then kissing fWS)

2. Actually, you are the one who should be worried. Very worried. (whilst smiling very evilly)

3. I know, you aren't very good at it, are you? You really need to up your game. Shall I teach you? Where is your man? ( or better yet, get all up on your fWS and say "see, this is the way")

4. Oh, sweetie, I am worried about you. Fat, stupid and drunk is no way to go through life! (props to Dean Wormer)

5. Hhhmmm, honey, do you smell that? I smell something very fishy. (saying this to you your fWS)

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:47 AM, May 12th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
WeHadItAll
♀ New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, guys - it seems like the best defense is a team defense. And when that's not enough: the throat punch

SisterMilkshake: yessss - those are the zingers I need! In a standoff with a vulture, the calmer one wins. But calm doesn't mean I can't fire off a couple well-placed bombs! Thanks for the tips.

I thought of another response to "I'm not trying to steal your man!" => (smiling sweetly) "Oh honey, as if you could."


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe its 100% down to him to stop this happening.

How about "Sorry, I'm taken"

[This message edited by mozzchops at 3:52 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife and I are both decent looking......not GQ or bikini model physically, but good looking.

My wife was not much of a flirt pre-A, I did a little more than her but not much either.

Post-A I noticed something........that "vibe" that was mentioned? It's real. Sadly, I have chosen to put that vibe out there on occasion. Selfish but I did it. By the grace of God I stopped short of making very bad decisions. There are also RL people that look for an easy target......I am aware if a girl I work with that changed her interactions with me at about the same time my work found out about my wife's A. Small town, lots of FB gossip.....it ran it's course, and this girl is back to normal interactions with me.

A tool I use if I think I took a step (or another girl took an improper step towards me) into a path that is not healthy is to work in a story about my wife or daughters. Yes, my wife's fAP was a father of 5, she a Mom of 2.....so hardly a guarantee here.

But this isn't about the "masses", it's about you and your spouse (and your family). I note when I do this, even if it does not change the other woman's engagement.....it changes MY engagement of her.

And that is the only thing I can control.....me.

Prayerfully, I hope all fWS find what it takes to control themselves and work hard to NOT chose as they have before. The "hey, I'm good looking, it's gonna happen" or "I'm just naturally flirtatious, get use to it" is not a full acceptable answer to this everyday threat to M's.

Honestly, before my wife chose her A.....I thought I was the "at risk" spouse. Turns out, we are BOTH that spouse...both need firm boundaries and plans to enforce our commitment to each other BEFORE temptation presents itself.

And temptation will present itself.....no matter what you physically look like.

It is a good sign you are both working on this now. It is a healthy choice and will result in a healthy harvest.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:42 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going with the "vibe" that blakesteel mentioned.
Some people have a neon sign on their forehead that says "available". I have a married friend that puts off this signal, and we've had in depth discussions about it. Many times it's his extending the conversation and suggestive remarks that leads the way, and he concedes that since I've pointed it out. Other times, he does nothing obvious, perhaps it's a look, a tone of voice, maybe just good cologne, I don't know, but it is a signal, one that he has honed to the point he really isn't aware that he's doing it.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:04 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Furious. This is for your spouse to handle and to protect and defend you.

If you feel you need a retort, I'd have to go with frosty disdain. I find silence and the raised, quizical eyebrow to be effective. Like you are trying to discern what exact species they are, but are having no luck at all. And a sad, slow, shake of the head.

I suppose if I said anything, it would be "if someone like you could steal him, I wouldn't want him."


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel you! My H is also very good looking and as part his job deals with the public all day every day - usually beautiful 20-30 somethings who are out having a good time, dolled up to the nines! And even when they're 80 years old - they're trying to set him up with their grand daughters.


AND to top it off - his work is filled with cougars - and he is their golden boy. Everyone Loooooooves H.

He is very friendly (a flirt?) and in hospitality so he has to be friendly. It drives me bonkers sometimes.

When I am there, he always gives me a lot of physical attention and when he recounts the convos with these women he always says he mentions his WIFE very quickly.

[This message edited by gutfeeling at 11:25 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'm not trying to steal your man!" => (smiling sweetly) "Oh honey, as if you could."
Good one!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Hosea
♂ Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe its 100% down to him to stop this happening.

How about "Sorry, I'm taken".

WeHadItAll:

Mozzchops is right. Former Waywards should be the ones shooting down flirtations, and in ways that elevate their Betrayeds.

"Sorry, hon... I'm already with the best lady here."

Or some similar hybrid of flirt shootdown / spouse uplift. Why should a Betrayed have to do anything at all in response to a flirt targeting their spouse? I mean, is forgiving the unforgivable not hard enough?

If a former Wayward values forgiveness-- truly prizes it-- they'll take these tiny threats to their Betrayed's dignity and spin them around into opportunities for further marriage building with some flirt-stopping verbal judo.

It truly is the least they can do!


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree it is would be best if the FWS said "Sorry, I'm taken". However, my FWH doesn't even realize when women are flirting with him. He feels they are just being friendly or nice. He knows when they cross boundaries, but he doesn't get the subtle "cues" that they are flirting. Women know when other women are flirting. That is why they try to put a "disclaimer" on their behaviour with WeHadItAll. That is why WeHadItAll wants a zinger for these women. I get it!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:26 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a FWH that gets flirted with a lot too. He usually smiles, reaches out for me, and snugs me in tight. If that doesn't work, well, I've been told that I can, while smiling politely, put out an absolutely homicidal, the Vikings are bringing axes to this affair, and I have a chainsaw in my purse JUST for YOU! vibe that tends to make people around me start looking for exits. So I unleash the beast.

As to drunks and the old "I'm not trying to flirt with your man" sots, I simply smile and say bullshit. Tends to stop things right in their tracks.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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