TheseseatsRtaken,
I'm glad to see that you are asking questions and wanting to know if how you think and feel is “normal.”
I don't want to sound sexist or like I am trying to stereotype people, but I think that men by nature are more visual than women. When I was married to exWW, I would notice attractive women. I noticed if they had on a short skirt or were wearing a low cut shirt. There are many women in society that will dress to gain a man's attention so it is impossible to avoid them. And there were many times before when I would take that second and third glance. I guess there was a part of me that believe in the idea that one could “look but not touch.” I never once considered crossing boundaries to be intimate with any of these women. But, I did not have sexual fantasies about them. I also thought that it was ok to look at porn as I had realistic bedroom expectations with exWW.
However, when dday hit, I saw no remorse and I quickly filed for divorce. Even though I know that her affair was not my fault, there are still times when I feel like “if only I had done _____.” One of the things that I have thought about is the fact that I could have easily focused more on exWW instead of looking at porn or looking at other women. Even though I was not “mentally undressing” them, I should have kept my eyes and mind more on the ex.
Now that I am in a new relationship, my convictions have become even stronger. My current wife was married before and she had a husband who blatantly would check out other women. And it was usually women who had a body and appearance that was completely different than hers. Knowing that this was a sensitive area for her when we began dating, I made it a point to keep my eyes more focused on her. Even when she is not around, I am not taking that second and third glance if I see an attractive woman. Porn was something that I cut out of my life before we began dating and to be honest, I don't miss it one bit.
As our relationship has progressed, I gotta say that our level of connection and intimacy is better than it ever was with the exWW or with anyone else in my past. Part of that is due to our personalities and mannerisms being more similar. But I believe that it has also been the result of me making a conscious effort to truly have eyes for only her. Even when she is not around, I still keep my blinders on. It took some getting used to, but it has been worth it.
I believe that to some degree, we as men can control our minds. My current wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. There will always be someone with a bigger chest, tighter body, etc. But my wife is beautiful inside and out. She appreciates me protecting my eyes and heart for her and our marriage. I know that this is a sensitive trigger for her so I don't even want it to ever be a problem in our relationship. I can control myself and it is within my power to protect her. This is not something that came natural to me. I'll be honest, it took some time and effort to change my way of thinking. But it has been more than worth it and in a way, I feel more free. I am able to focus more of me back to my wife. If I see a woman with a big chest I tell myself that my wife's chest is perfect for me (which is the truth).
I even guard my eyes and mind when watching television or movies. Again, even when my wife is not around. Victoria's secret commercials or female nudity in movies. It takes little effort to close my eyes, look away, or change the channel. Yet, my wife is very appreciative and it is a simple way to show her how much I love her. You would be amazed at how unnecessary most nude scenes are in movies.
These efforts on my end have helped to produce a new marriage that is more fulfilling and satisfying than I had with exWW. Instead of being able to be aroused by anyone, my libido now only gets turned on by my wife. And she gets my libido going like I am a teenager, except that my libido is directed only towards her. Intimacy in the bedroom has been deeper and more meaningful than I have ever experienced.
The mental undressing i can control. I never used to, but i have been since dday as i have made the decision to try and make serious change in how i see and think about women in order to show to myself if no one else that i am capable of self control. But the curiosity still seems innate.
This is a great start. Keep going. For you, it may take more time and effort; possibly with the help of a therapist. Many on SI will talk about “doing the work” to better themselves and to change the things that led to an affair. You have been given the gift of reconciliation and what better way to show your willingness to save the marriage than working on guarding your eyes and mind? This is an area that is a big trigger for her right now. Refocus your time, thoughts, and curiosity back to your BS. It will help her and it may open up the possibility of a closer, more intimate, and fulfilling relationship for you.
I know that many men would think that I am somehow denying my natural urges. That it is just a guy thing; that's how we are wired. Or they might say that my wife is just being too controlling and oversensitive. I beg to differ. For me, it has been more than worth it. And yes, it is a choice that I choose to make each day; for myself, my wife, and my marriage. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.