My father took his own life when I was six.
I am so sorry for this pain.
I cannot begin to imagine what it did to you as a child to feel the abandonment and the loss of your father because of his actions.
Were you able to get IC for this?
I would say no, based on the rest of your post.
Do you think you could put aside the need to decide to R right now and possibly get some therapy for you?
The loss of your dad, the most important role model in a little girl's life, may be impacting your life and choices wrt the trauma you are going through.
I had similar issues (not suicide, but plenty of FOO). I found for me, gaining my strength and emotional health was the most important piece to my really healing.
You need to know you are worth being loved and people do not abandon those they love when things get difficult.
I promise you the feelings you have of being tormented by this decision will fade and eventually be replaced with the knowledge of what is right for you.
Please love yourself enough to heal.
You are good, you are worthy and you are love-able.