When I confronted her about it, she told me she needed to find out why she felt this away about another man, so the calling/texting went on for another day. That next day, I told her I couldn't try to fix our relationship the same time she was trying to build another relationship with somebody else. She agreed that wouldn't work and she said she was going to end it that night.
We have had a great weekend and things started to seem like they would work out. We are both seeing therapists and we want to do couple therapy after a few single sessions.
Yesterday, her phone was laying out and I read a text message from her friend that said how excited she was that 2 guys from Canada were coming to visit next weekend. I can't believe she is going to go through with this and have an affair this weekend behind my back. I want to work our marriage out, but I don't know what to do. If I say something about this weekend get together, she will probably not go, but how do I know that will end there. It probably wont. Do I just let this happen and confront her afterwards saying I give up....
I have been a mess for the last couple days. This was the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, the one one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm lost and have no idea what do do.
I really want my wife to make the decision on her own, so I know if she wants to be with me. If I'm the one who stops this, I'm worried it will just be on my mind the next time she goes out for business or to visit friends. I don't want to become that hovering type.
I don't want to have any regrets and want to know I did all the right things the last week in case this doesn't work out. I don't want to be dwelling on what I should have done differently. I want to fight for my wife's love, but won't be the rug anymore.
Confront her. Make her admit her lies and deceit.
If you let it proceed, it will just make things worse.
All is not lost, she's obviously thinking selfishly. "what you don't know won't hurt you."
by confronting her and making her make a choice, to stay married or get divorced, you are forcing her back to reality.
going on a vacation and meeting someone is a fantasy. Bring her back to reality. And then tell her she can no longer remain friends with her cheating friend, because she isn't a friend of the marriage. And you might also tell the cheating friend's BH about the cheating.
Cheating loves the darkness, the fantasy. Turn on the light and the reality. When your wife see's her friend fall apart after her husband finds out, she may realize what a fool she's been.
When she asks you why you did it, you can say that the other woman's husband had a right to know the status of his marriage, his life. It's the "right" thing to do. Would he want to know if his wife committed murder? Of course.
so definitely stop it. Tell her, if she wants to be single, there's the door.
[This message edited by mike7 at 10:47 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.
I would also let the other spouse know. I would want someone to tell me. The other friend needs a wake up call as well and that friendship needs to stop. They are carrying on as if they are teenagers. Sorry you have such tough decisions ahead of you. Good Luck and you don't deserve this.
I'm sad you are in this position but, right now, at this point in time, YOU get to decide how you want to live going forward. Wish I had been given that choice at that point in time.
Sorry brother, wish there was more that I could help you with.
There might be various tests to gauge how serious you are, will most likely pick a fight but keep calm, if there is ever a point in your life were you've never been more dead serious then this will be the time.
She almost certainly has been cheating sexually, the odds that she hasn't is like, well, zero.
She is smoke screening you.
She has a friend that is a cheater.
This is way out of bounds for any reasonable relationship.
She is not your dream girll, but she has led you to believe she is someone she isn't. Now, she is showing who she really is. You need to believe her. It is hard, I was in shock. I couldn't believe some of the stuff I heard.
Your wife is more messed up than you, or she, realize, and she is all fogged in.
You can cut your losses, and divorce, much easier route to go.
You can confront, deal with the lies, the blame shifting, the gas lighting, and enter counseling for 2-4 years, which will eventually get you to the truth which you will have to deal with, and she will need IC for a long time as well, and you might, just might, save your marriage. You just might find out how really messed up your wife is.
When you confront, you will be lied to, for months if not years. The truth never comes out directly. Odds are, no matter what you do, you are to late to stop the physical affair. Odds are she and the friends were drinking, met these guys, had sex, and now are trying to convince themselves that it was special somehow...it never is, cheating is RFUB (really fucked up behavior). Typical wayward behavior. At first you want to figure out why the AP farts bubble gum flavored rainbows, but after reality hits home you realize that their farts smell just like shit, like everyone else's.
You have to realize, you are not making her decisions, you just make yours, and make it clear, lay down the line in the sand for yourself...she does whatever she wants, you just don't participate.
The friend, she has to go as well, not just the AP, for your marriage to thrive your wife will have to change, a lot, and it will not be easy.
I nearly divorced my wife two years into counseling, she did something very hurtful. I even told the kids we were divorcing. Horrible day. If I had to do it all over again, I'd sit my wife down privately, and tell here that what she said or did was up to her, but I would not allow her to play games with my heart, that I am a human being and didn't deserve to be treated this way, and then I'd tell her to leave until she was ready to respect that (she wasn't cheating then but was not being open about what she did during the days).
Cheating is cruelty, it is abuse, your wife is being cruel and abusive.
she told me she needed to find out why she felt this away about another man, so the calling/texting went on for another day
This is abusive, this is not love, it is not kind, it is cruelty.
If I say something about this weekend get together, she will probably not go, but how do I know that will end there. It probably wont. Do I just let this happen and confront her afterwards saying I give up....
Like the others said, draw the line in the sand. You tell her the line as suggested by Bigger "You are free to stay so we can work on our marriage. Or you can choose to go. But not as my wife."
If she goes on the weekend trip, pack her clothes in trash bags and have them waiting at the front door when she comes back. Also, change the locks in the house.
I agree with standinghere in that you should not be surprised if your WW actually already had sex in Mexico. Think about it, why would a couple of guys travel all the way down from Canada to meet your WW and her cheating girlfriend? For some good conversation over coffee? These two hosers are coming down for a weekend sexcapade adventure. They are acting like a group of sex crazed teenagers on a weekend trip to Tijuana.
What you do from this point will guide you on either a shorter path to addressing the issue or the longer, excruciating, pain filled, emotionally abusive, torturous path full of gas lighting and cruel mind fucking from her. Both paths will come to the same point where you have to make a decision to R or D. We want to save you from the longer cruel path.
It won't be easy. It will be scary and difficult. Please read through the healing library through the link on the left side as soon as possible so you can get a grasp of what is going on and what to do best for your situation.
WS's can convince themselves of anything... And she has a friend who is obviously reinforcing poor choices and "normalizing" them. This will not end well.
This would sound better coming from one of the men here on SI, but I've seen it to be true, time and time again on this site: Women respect a strong man. Be strong and sure of yourself and your worth, and then tell her that she has one chance to choose correctly and that time is now. Don't wait until she's further annihilated your heart. It's easier to repair the house after a small fire than when the entire house has been burned to the ground. Tell her this ends now. Be firm. If she chooses not to do the work she needs to do, then you have your path and you can save yourself years of misery.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I know how much it hurts. Glad you found us and please, stand up for yourself. NOW.
First things first, though we probably sound jaded, I do not believe it was just one kiss. Most of us were fed that line of BS in the beginning, it turned out to be not the truth. If she was in Mexico with said scumbag, more than likely it was more than a kiss, unfortunately.
I would do a couple of things. If I could go back in time, I would try to do the following things, which would likely save you a great deal of pain:
1. Get yourself to an attorney like yesterday and have the D papers drawn up. Have them in hand.
2. Take the sim card out of her phone and see what happens when you place said phone in a food processor. You may want to wear goggles.
3. Gather up all her lingerie and have yourself a good old fashioned bonfire. Then go to K-Mart or Wal-Mart or whatever and replace said lingerie with men's underwear. Size XL.
4. Place D papers on the kitchen counter and take yourself a little mini vacation. You deserve it!!
Sorry to sound harsh, but if you have read about the "pick me dance," it does not work. Trust me.
Best wishes to you, and if you intend to stay married, get used to hovering.
Do not let her go. Is it possible to get more evidence. If so, get as much evidence as you can.
Otherwise be prepared for her to lie and deny her way around everything you present to her.
But do not let her go. She has no damn reason going anywhere to meet any guys.
You WILL know what her decision is when you tell her not to go and she goes anyway.
Do not let her lie to you so much that you believe her and let her go. You will regret that, you already know enough.
Considering she has done these sort of things with other guys now for some time, it is also time she goes and gets some sort of therapy and find out WHY she is continually meeting other guys.
Either she is married or she is not. She cannot have it both ways. And I doubt you can stand that either.
Do you know this other woman's husband well enough to talk to about this.