Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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User Topic: The Unthinkable
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Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she may try to act like she wants to R, & then take the A underground (get a secret phone, make alternate future plans to see the POSOM) so be alert.

^^this is quite common, unfortunately.

IUH - you are doing amazing for having JFO. I didn't find SI until 2 yrs later. Consequently I missed out on a lot of steps in R. My H also deleted everything before giving me his p/w's, so 5 yrs later I am still wondering WTF they said to each other for 3 yrs!

We all support your decision to give her some time to come to her own conclusions. But the fact that she even needs to "have time to decide" is textbook WS thinking. Really, WTF is there to think about? M vs POS!!! Really? A truly come to Jesus WS would have been a blubbering idiot when confronted.

I would suggest, as others have, that you demand, without discussion the following:

1. NC with POS
2. NC with all who are not friends of your M. Especially GF.
3. transparency. This is a MUST in order for YOU to even begin to think to start trusting her again.
4. Her activities need to be severely curtailed until YOU are willing to let go some of the reins.

YOU need to be in driver's seat. YOU. Not her.

This shitstorm is not for the faint of heart. And you have proven, already, that you have what it takes to make it thru. Whichever way it goes.

Sending strength.

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
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Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other husband hasn't said anything back yet. I told him I was 100% sure they had some kind of sex in Mexico and was 100% sure they were planning on doing it again this weekend. I told him I saw the texts between our wives and there was no doubt about it.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh F&*%CK that!!! You've been married for 4 years, together 9. I would say to her "RIGHT NOW - ARE YOU IN OR OUT? I WILL NOT WAIT ONE MORE MINUTE FOR AN ANSWER. I DESERVE MORE RESPECT THAN THAT." If she even hesitates say "I've got my answer and will start proceedings. End of story. She needs a huge slap in the face, it's the only chance of saving your marriage and saving you from her taking this underground or finding someone else.

The only way you can stay in this M and R is if she is remorseful, not Regretful. You'll know she's remorseful when she's balling her eyes out with snot running all over her face and begging you to forgive her. Anything less than that means she's not remorseful.

Hugs to you and stay strong.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier,

Send him copies of the communication you have so he sees it with his own eyes. And make sure you send it so she can't intercept it. If all hell has not broken out in the friends house, he either does not believe you or doesn"t care, and your wife will hear from her i am sure if not already so i would demand to see her phone the minute she walks in the door. The two of them have both been caught at the same time and if your wife is the only one facing any consequences, something is wrong. You might demand your wife ride with you to friends house and hand deliver to other husband.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
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Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The GF lives about 10 hours away from us.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really makes you wonder what she needs to decide. I think WSs use the deciding thing as an excuse to delay the inevitable and come up with all kinds of good sounding lies.

But the bottom line is if she still goes on this trip. She gets served with papers. I don't see any way you could ever R if she goes on this trip.

You could ask your wife when did she decide having an open marriage was fine. Because if she goes, that is exactly what the marriage becomes.

Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU - You are really dealing with this fantastically so far.

I just have one bit of advice for you. You said if she chooses number 2 on your two choices offered you would see the Attorney on Friday. I am encouraging you, actually yelling at you through cyberspace to see the attorney no matter what he choice is.

She is most likely going to give you the I love you and want to stay, speech with tears and all. But she will also most likely have purchased a burner phone, and already given the number to her friend, and the Canuck.

You need to know what your rights are, and what her obligations are. Knowledge allows you to operate from a place of strength and power.

Keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes sense to get papers drawn up no matter what, but how does that work? Are the papers good forever or only a specific amount of time before they become out of date?

I guess there's nothing I can do if she tells me she wants to work things out and cut communication with the other parties, but gets a burner phone. I'll probably be posting on the board tonight with what happens. I'm ready to walk away if it comes down to it.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Go online and you can probably find the divorce forms for your state.

Print them out.

Leave them on the kitchen table.

I am glad you are standing up for yourself and your marriage.

When a spouse can act like this when away and when at home you will eventually realize you have very little to lose at this time.

She obviously needs individual therapy before marriage counseling.

Be strong.


Posts: 966 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The papers themselves tend (at least in Michigan) to be quite generic, so they are "good" forever. However, once a case is filed with the court, there is usually some sort of timeline that starts running with the filing. Can't tell you what that is for you, but your lawyer can.

Papers are served, and the opposing party (had to spell that out instead of using the lawyers' OP abbreviation) has a certain time to answer with his/her papers if the case is to be contested (asset division, custody, support) or not and the case will be uncontested.

After a certain time (varies from state to state) passes, an uncontested case goes to Final Judgment of Divorce and you are divorced. If contested, the length of time usually depends on how complicated the contest is. If Bill Gates got divorced, long time.
You? Don't know your personal situation, but no kids or support issues doesn't leave much to fight about. Assets minus debts equals amount to split.

Don't fight over trinkets, either. You know who benefits from those fights? The lawyers who make $$$$$ off such fights, including such classics as dog custody and visitation.

TIP: if there is an asset fight, and you get Offer A you don't like, simply suggest reversing the distribution. Divorce negotiation is not often a "win-win" deal, however.

Divorce can be legally easy or legally vicious. If you're that curious, rent War of the Roses to see the reductio ad absurdum of a contested divorce. Its from the 80's, I think.

Burner phone? That's when people use VAR's under the seat of WS's car, fasted tightly with velcro. Can't tell you what happens if she like loud music when driving. And, of course, you only get one side of the conversation. But its better than throwing up your hands in despair.

Please let us know today's outcome. Remember, you want an outcome and not promises, tears, etc. Remember the hit of the Clash -- Should I Stay or Should I Go -- from the 80's. Whatever happens, you've handled this like a pro. Read your first post and compare it to where you are now.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D proceedings, in my state, takes months & months. You can stop the process at any time, if you change your mind. Heck, there are even SI members who did get D because of infidelity, & then remarried. That's why it would put you in a powerful position to start the process.

One of the most difficult things for us BSs to deal with is that this was done to us----we had no say in what the WS brought into our lives.
An analogy that I always think of is :
Imagine a burglar comes to your house. Your WS, who has vowed to love, honor, cherish, & PROTECT you, opens the door & shows the burglar in----shows him where the treasures are.
That's why being cheated on feels like such a violation.

All the more reason for you to have some power now.

Good luck tonight. Sending you strength.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if she says she wants to work on the marriage I would still put a voice activated recorder in her car for some time to see if the hanky panky is over with.
I agree she needs some ic before mc.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's why being cheated on feels like such a violation.
Which is why it should still be a civil crime, because it is in many ways. In some states it still is, but even in my state they took it out of the books this year.

I would be surprised if she still goes on a trip actually.

But like others have said, if she is sorry and all that and wants to R. You do need to pay close attention. A gps tracker in her car for one thing or if the cell phone has a gps, pay to track that.

Start snooping around the house and car for burner phones or anything else. I was amazed at some of the hiding places. Under the mattress and in shoes for two.

You probably don't want to live like that. But in the beginning of R, it is very hard to trust anything the WS says.

Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

If the friend of your wife lives 10 hours away, then tell your wife you are BOTH going to call her husband together and tell him what occurred. my guess is he has not received your messages, as I cannot imagine a husband getting told his wife screwed another man and not even inquiring as to what is going on. You have got to be sure spouse of friend knows.

Keep us posted and stay strong!!!!

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
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Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot imagine a husband getting told his wife screwed another man and not even inquiring
He could be dealing with his wife at this time. Which can take time and be draining.

Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here it goes.

She wants to work on this and agreed to send a NCA this morning. She let me read it first, which is what I wanted. She shared everything on her phone and told me every detail of what has happened up until this point. She's getting rid of her phone and is solely going to use her work phone from here on out, which she swears he does not have the number to. She said I can look at the phone whenever I want to.

Before I even said anything about it, she brought up how her GF is a toxic to my wife and our relationship and she was going to cut that line as well.

She says she's really messed up in the head right now and thinks that spending a week or two living separate would be good, so she can get her head back on straight. We are going to look at a business hotel or something where we can pay by month or week to get that going. I did print some D papers and told her that if she did one thing skeptical, it would be over. The plan is to see counseling together after she gets her figured out.

I'm not sure if the time apart will create more separation between us emotionally and ultimately kill this relationship or if it will help her get in the right mindset to work this marriage out.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the surface it sounds very good. No yelling, screaming or defensive posturing. You could not have asked for more.

I am not sure about the separation though, I don't know how that helps a WW get her head on straight.

And I am not sure I have ever seen the WS want to live separately, it is usually the BS that wants to be alone for awhile.

Hang in there and now comes the tedious and nerve wracking part to see if she sticks to her words.

Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

craig said almost exactly what i was going to say.

on the surface it looks really good. I think you may have saved your marriage.

i'm concerned about the separation. Are you positive she can't find another way to contact him?

usually the WS wants to stay with the BS because they're afraid to let go.

In any event, you handled this extremely well. I would be hypervigilant about the separation though.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:22 AM, May 16th (Friday)]

BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did great. I also worry about the separation. That she was saying all of the right things so that you would agree to her getting her own place.

It's going to be hard to see actions while she is staying at a hotel.

Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
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Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU that sounds about as positive as you can expect right now. People are different and marriages are different so what works for one may not work for another. After I discovered my WW I threw her out of our bedroom. I don't know your set up, but I had my wife sleep in the guest bedroom for about 2 months after d-day. This seemed to send a clear message to her and worked for us. It also kept her close so there was no wondering on my part what my WW was up to.

Also, it is good that she recognized the "toxic" friend, this is a positive step as well.

I would recommend that you consider counseling, both individual (IC) and marriage (MC). Also, check out the healing library, there are a lot of great resources there. If you want to read further consider the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, both my WW and I read this and found it to be helpful.

As rough as the past few days have been, I hope your recognize that the road ahead is not easy for either of you and the challenge of dealing with this betrayal is just beginning. You are stronger than you know, and when you are not you will find support and good advice from the wonderful people on SI. Rooting for you and your marriage.

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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