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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

After reading the posts, I would take issue with the therapist. This is bull shit. Your wife cannot be trusted right now and this therapist is giving her an easy way to cheat by separating you two.
Do you have ANY verification that makes you SURE these Canadian guys are NOT headed down here. You have not heard from the girl friends husband so my guess he your e mail was intercepted and he knows nothing. So this could all be still happening. I would hire a PI. You have come this far the cost of a week end surveillance would be worth it to me so I could be sure I had the true answer.
If she has an I Phone you can probably track the location of that. The techies on here can tell you how to do that, or get the device this afternoon to put on her car. I would also look at her mileage to see how many miles she drives this week end in case she heads out of town.
I disagree at this point with the 180 stuff. You are at the point where some sort of decision is being made shortly, instantly if she deceives you again, so if she is not truly remorseful and wanting to R i do not think that is necessary. You have handled this disaster well so I also think you can wait a few days to start working on yourself. You mail focus right now with no distractions should be making absolutely sure you have stopped this. Since I assume your wife works, I do not think you have to worry about the Canadian guy during the week. It is this week end and next week end, so unless you think there could be a local guy also, I would do everything possible, including renting a car and sitting outside the hotel if necessary to get an answer you can be sure is right.
Sorry for the length of my post.
Hang in there.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The separation for codependency sounds to me (who doesn't know the back story) like the counselor is letting her test whether she likes her life with you or without you better. As Tushnurse said.

To the C's credit, W knew exactly what she had to do after last night's session . Whether she can keep NC is problematic. I suspect you found out Mexico was more than a brief meeting and a kiss as she became too interested in Hoser as she texted and talked with him far too often for it to be just friends or someone she had talked,to a,few,times on the trip.

You don't know what the future will bring. Talk to a lawyer about divorce,process,so you have accurate information about what's involved in it in your situation. You don't want to be in Limbo waiting for her to decide. The 180 is for you, not to scare her. You find out what it's like to live your own life. You have been given a two week window to see for yourself that you can survive on your own.

Sorry for the spellings and random commas, but I'm using an iPad instead of a keyboard for this message.



Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also say that separation at this stage is NOT a good idea. The other posters explained it well as to her motivations. I also do not agree her IC advised this, but if this was the case her IC probably doesn't know about her "extracurricular" activities that led to her behavior.

My own STBXW pulled this stunt after about 6 months of MC and fake R. She got an apartment out of the blue and just told me the move out date. I knew exactly what she was up to, and it was all about living single and dating without the scrutiny of me and our boys being around to remind her of her shitty choice. This was further proven with her FB postings of her outings with single friends at bars, concerts, restaurants, sporting events, etc. etc.

As for the work phone, does it have GPS and can it be tracked?

You stated your requirements for R. She needs to participate, not run off and "think about it". Pay attention to the "ACTIONS". What are they telling you so far? Can you smell the bullshit yet?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree at this point with the 180 stuff. You are at the point where some sort of decision is being made shortly, instantly if she deceives you again, so if she is not truly remorseful and wanting to R i do not think that is necessary. You have handled this disaster well so I also think you can wait a few days to start working on yourself. Your main focus right now with no distractions should be making absolutely sure you have stopped this.

I agree with Badhurt about this^^^.
There will be plenty of time for the 180, & plenty of time for her to work on her codependency, & plenty of time to work on all the other problems in the marriage pre-A in the months to come, if you R.

Let's focus on priorities.
Right now you need to find out if she is IN or OUT.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 11:26 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she's really messed up in the head right now and thinks that spending a week or two living separate would be good, so she can get her head back on straight.

Are you saying she's going to move out the week her Canadian "friends" come to town, and then move back home after the Canadian's leave? Please don't allow that blatant disrespect.

If she's been co-dependent her entire life, she can wait (until the Canadian's are gone)to screw her head on straight. Otherwise, I dare say, it's the OM getting screwed.

I really want my wife to make the decision on her own, so I know if she wants to be with me.

Look at the timing of her decision.

This is something she "has" to do from her perspective and I won't be able to change her mind.

Nobody is suggesting you try to "nice" your WW back into the marriage. If her mind is made up ...then sign the D papers.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But in all the time I have been on SI, & all the stories I have read, when the WS says they want to separate "to think about things", it ALWAYS means they want to see what it would be like to be single & check out the relationship with OM.

^^THIS. TOTALLY^^

I also agree with some other posters that have expressed their doubt that the her IC "suggested" this separation for her "co-dependency" issues. You only know what your WW has told you. Sorry, but it sounds like a cleverly planned line of BS that she "says" came from the IC in order to SELL IT TO YOU.

I think she's looking for the separation to be an opportunity to stay firmly on the fence. She gets to keep you on the hook, while she gets to play single.

I'm so very sorry Hoosier and not trying to be harsh, but I'm calling total BS on ALL of this.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 11:38 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked with the other husband and he's not upset about it. Says he has had a few things on the side too, and that's how the mariahe is, WTF! I told my wife there is no way we can associate ourselves with these two, because they are toxic toxic toxic.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier
The more I read the other posts the more concerned I get this is a set up and that she convinced therapist to give her this cover story so she can see how she likes being with the Canadian guy. That coupled with the fact you have no idea about girlfriends situation is very suspicious.
I would tell her this separation will NOT start until Monday and will not happen on week ends when you have no idea where she is. If she does not like that or raises a fuss she is up to no good. I would give her three weeks if she wants it as long as the week ends when she is not at work are spent where you know where she is.she can be alone and thinking but if she heads out of town to party you have your answer.
After all you have been through, it will be terrible if she fools you and then comes back and tells you she actually did see OM and wants to split.
Stay in control of your destiny

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked with the other husband and he's not upset about it.
Well that's just great. They have an open marriage. That is their choice, I just hope your wife doesn't think she wants that type of arrangement.

Her friend could have been putting ideas into her head all along that this is the way to live and there is nothing wrong with it.

At least now you know what type of person your wife has been talking to and hanging out with.

One more piece of the puzzle.


Posts: 4162 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I didn't make this known, but she is not moving out right now. It's something we will have to look into of where to go and the arrangements. It probably won't be for another week or so, but I don't see it not happening the way she was talking. I don't think I can tell her it's either you stay here or we get a D. I will have a little time with her in the house to watch and see I guess.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew!
Good but like others have said either she is committed to the marriage or she isn't.
But that is just me.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a very strong feeling she is playing you.

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is it the board's consensus that I should give her the ultimatum of staying at home & not doing the week or two seperate or it's a D?

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not talk to her therapist with her and explain why this is a bad idea? See what her reaction is to that idea. Depending on that...maybe then the D if you feel like you are being played.

There is no reason you can't talk to her C about it together. See what the C's thoughts are. After all, there is no trust here which is a HUGE part of the problem.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 12:43 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about ultimatum, but I would clarify with the IC that she is aware of all the factors going on her. The IC can only give recommendations based on what your WW has shared. If she hasn't been given the full truth, her advice is null and void.

You can give ultimatums on whatever you want, and any WS that has committed to R will do whatever you request no matter how crazy, or over the top it may seem because when they really get it, they get it. The foggy WS will show anger, resentment, and give you arguments on why they should not do what you need. If they aren't willing to do the work, then maybe proceeding with D is the smartest least painful option.

It's the continued lies, the multiple ddays and the trickle truth that kill the M. NOT just the A.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While none of us can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, I believe we all agree this smells EXTREMELY fishy.

If you look around at the vets who are happily reconciled and read their profiles, there is a similar pattern that presents itself nearly (if not exactly) 100% of the time: they took a hard line no bullshit line in the sand approach. There is an inverse relationship between a wayward's level of fog and their ability to make rational choices... The more foggy they are, the less rational the choices are. You seem like a very centered and strong individual and as much as it is unfair, at this point in time you must take the lead on decision making for now.

At the end of the day, you can only control your choices and your actions. Make sure you can live with those whatever they may be as we have to live with OURSELVES for the rest of our lives. Only you can answer what exactly that entails.

Strength brother, in the "I can relate" forum there is a menz only thread for BHs with an awesome group of guys, as much as it sucks you're here stop on by for some libations and banter.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 12:53 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 172 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the continued lies, the multiple ddays and the trickle truth that kill the M. NOT just the A.

Spot on Tushnurse.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is it the board's consensus that I should give her the ultimatum of staying at home & not doing the week or two seperate or it's a D?
No...I don't like ultimatums either, they are far too limiting and inflexible.

I think first of all, you need to talk to the therapist and find out if he/she did indeed advise your wife to separate for a while. If your wife is making this up, than it is an entirely different issue altogether.

Tell your wife you see no need to separate. Who needs a separation at a time like this. There is nothing for her to think about living separately that she cannot think about at home.

No WS needs to separate from their BS. They have already been living a separate life and see where that got them. At this point, you need to know if your wife is lying or telling the truth about anything.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 12:55 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 4162 | Registered: Jun 2002
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

You don't need to phrase it like an ultimatum.
Just say that you feel that it would help R if she stays.

This is something she "has" to do from her perspective and I won't be able to change her mind.

^^^^This is bullsh*t. She has just blown up a nuclear bomb in your marriage. She doesn't get to decide now.

Her #1 priority should NOT be her needs, it should be your healing, & repairing the damage she has done to the marriage.

She is still has an identity as "me" & not "we".


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a lesson to be learned here. If you had any idea this girlfriend or any of the others was in an open Marraige, would you have agreed to going without the husbands or boyfriends . I would make sure you know a bit about the other girls on this trip so you don't wind up killing the the relationship with the one that instigated all of this and wind up with same situation with other girlfriend closer to home. Your wife I am sure knew this other girl could play around with impunity but did not share that with you, and I absolutely refuse to believe that the others in this group were not aware of it either. The question is we know who your wife's mentor was, but who else were the enablers of cheerleaders.
So I would still be asking questions

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
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