Topic: The Unthinkable
Member # 42664
| Posted: 10:59 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Sadly you may want to get tested for STDs also.
You really don't know how long this behavior has been going on.
Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Member # 43350
| Posted: 11:12 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Please listen to the good people in here. You need to sit her down and calmly - emphasis on calmly - tell her that you know about her plans. I also agree about telling her friend's BH, but ONLY if he is a mutual friend. Best of luck to you. It won't be easy but it will be the right thing to do.
Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.
Posts: 246 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 26290
| Posted: 11:23 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
If she goes on the weekend trip, pack her clothes in trash bags and have them waiting at the front door when she comes back. Also, change the locks in the house.
Consult a lawyer ASAP. Typically you can't "evict" your spouse if their name is on the deed/mortgage.
Posts: 260 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 40144
| Posted: 11:25 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Just adding another strong vote for telling her girlfriend's husband. He has a right to know the truth about the marriage he is in. You are not bringing him pain, she has already done that. It is time for your W and her friends to see the reality they have created. That is the only way to stop them and force them to evaluate what they are doing and see the real effects.
Do this guy a favor: write www. surviving infidelity.com on a piece of paper and give it to him before you leave. He's going to need our support too!!!! Please don't let him continue to live a lie.
Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...
Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 43147
| Posted: 11:29 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Tell the other spouse, and stop it before it goes any farther! You have some hard choices ahead!
Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
Member # 32214
| Posted: 11:42 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
I agree. Stop it right now. In fact, a good move might be to let her know that you found out and then leave. Go to a hotel, somewhere. Tell her you are seeing an attorney and start the 180 with her.
That may snap her out of this fantasy fog of a fun weekend with not consequences. If not, then she has chosen him over you and you will know what to do then.
If you let her proceed, she is only going to be deeper in the fog and then you have to live with the knowledge of her being with him. If you guys do try to reconcile the, it will be just that much harder with those mind movies. Hugs in this terrible time.
Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.
Posts: 1279 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 41947
| Posted: 12:32 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
I almost cannot believe what I am reading here. You have basically. Caught your wife either banging another man and have pretty good evidence her girlfriend did, and you are actually contemplating sitting there on your ass and letting her go spend a lustful week end with this guy. I am sorry, if you let that happen there is nothing anyone here can do to help you.
And you should tell the girlfriends husband ASAP. He does not deserve to get crapped on even if you decide to and he may have the balls to kill this trip and save you
Posts: 797 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Member # 43266
| Posted: 1:54 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
IUH - so sorry to see that you have found yourself here but I agree with everyone that you actually are in a better position than most of us in that you need to confront her.
I wish I had known, in advance, what my WW had planned so I could have forced her hand.
Just be prepared emotionally for the possibility that she is so messed up right now she will go. Don't assume that she is thinking logically right now. You need to be in a position to act on your line in the sand if she disrespects you and your marriage and proceeds with her affair.
It's clear you will have work to do as a couple even if she chooses not to go. Think about whether that is something you want to do. Otherwise, you're just going to be delaying the inevitable (even if she does pass up on this weekend).
I also think you MUST tell the other betrayed husband about his wife.
Be prepared to be called all sorts of names by your wife for spying and butting into her friend's marriage when it is "none of your business". Explain to her calmly that anything that jeopordizes YOUR marriage is your business and you would not have had to do this if she and her friend had kept their promises to you instead of chosing to proceed with their lies, their secrets and their cheating.
Stay strong and keep us posted. I'm sure her reaction won't be cut and dry and wethe folks on thsi board have BTDT and can walk you through what to expect and how to proceed.
Stay strong brother. We've got your back.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 9297
| Posted: 4:16 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Turns out she met some guy, but only kissed once.
The number of times a WS has said that and it turned out to be true could probably be counted on your fingers. And you might have a few fingers left over.
Unfortunately the number of time a WS has said that in an attempt to minimize what they did probably can't be counted. Just read some of the other threads in JFO and you will see what I and the others are talking about.
As others before me have said "only kissed once" the is wayward-speak for "we fucked".
Yesterday, her phone was laying out and I read a text message from her friend that said how excited she was that 2 guys from Canada were coming to visit next weekend
Again as others have said, if you want to blow up this fantasyland of theirs send her friend's BH the text. Nothing ruins the fantasy faster than exposure.
Finally sorry that you are here. Wishing you strength and peace.
Posts: 488 | Registered: Jan 2006
Member # 42970
| Posted: 4:36 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
I agree. Tell the other BH and send him copies of the texts so that he can see it for himself. Confront your WW now. Keep a copy of the text if she tries to lie and deny. Tell you that you know about her plans and she needs to decide between you and the guys from Canada. If she chooses you, the cheating friend has to go.
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)
D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.
Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♂ New Member
Member # 43387
| Posted: 5:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please do everything you can to stop this from happening and save your marriage. I did the nice guy thing for years and got burned. I wouldn't be comfortable with her hanging around her friend either. She's just going to keep being tempted by her affair(s).
Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 40032
| Posted: 5:11 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Tell the other husband. You're wife has likely not told you the truth of what went on. Get tested for STD's asap. Talk to a lawyer. All great advice.
she can get stds from just kissing anyway if he has done oral on other women or even men. And it's very shocking how many of these adulterers skip the condom use.
Maybe you and other BS can work together on this and share information. I would be tempted to follow them if you don't confront beforehand. Some ppl use voiice activated recorders to gather evidence for confrontation. These cheaters lie and minimize before during and after so any evidence will help set them straight.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:12 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
BW- mid 50's (me)
M 33 T 35
In R but I have PTSD...
Posts: 485 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 36004
| Posted: 10:42 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Consider this. Would you travel to your location from Canada in hopes you could get another kiss? Didn't think so. No sane man would make that journey unless he knew what he was coming for.
My FWW also told me it was just a kiss, until I found out they had sex. It's hard to hear but that's what adults do.
I tried to nice my wife back. She punished me for every kindness I displayed. She was a remorseless monster.
I finally got tired of being treated that way and told my wife I was done with the BS. I told her she could do whatever she wished it would be ok with me but she couldn't do it as my wife but the choice was hers.
I am 2 years out on the 18th. I discussed it with my wife last night. She is on permanent probation forever. If she makes the slightest move towards betrayal it's over forever. She knows this. I also live knowing she could walk away tomorrow and I'm ok with that.
You will get there too...
I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Currently in R
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Member # 40392
| Posted: 11:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
Damnit man please don't let her do this to you. I'd go see an attorney and get papers drawn up. Call the girlfriends husband and tell him but ask him not to say anything. You two drop the girls off at the airport and when you get there give her the divorce paperwork and tell her she had a decision to make.
I know it wouldn't work out like that but start dropping subtle hints that you think something is up and maybe she will admit it.
Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Posts: 556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 38603
| Posted: 11:08 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
I thought of that too. Call the other guy and then just show up at the bar/meeting place and say hi. Ask the Canadians, "so, did you bang our wives? just wanted you to know they're dishonest and kind of slutty, but you already knew that, you can have them if you want."
but maybe that's too dramatic. Just talking about this stuff gets my blood up.
Two kids 21, 18
Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 27673
| Posted: 11:22 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014|
First off---sorry that you find yourself here. I would be willing to bet that you never expected to be joining a site like this just a short time ago.
As to the rendezvous---of course you should intervene. And for (2) reasons:
(1) You want to stand back, and let your wife make the "right" decision. The problem is, she currently does not have the ability to make sound decisions. She is currently a liar and a cheater....in other words, a wayward....and a wayward mindset is one of the most toxic things on Earth. So no---you can't rely on her to do the appropriate thing.
(2) Part of you being a strong, moral individual, is to stand up for what is right---and to not accept poor behavior and boundaries. While it is not your responsibility to "save" your wife, it is your responsibility to stand up for yourself, and make sure that your wife knows....in no uncertain terms....that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.
And you are correct---even if your wife doesn't go, you have merely scratched the surface of her issues. Yes, more than likely she went much further than "one kiss". But for arguments sake, let's say that it was one kiss. Does that make it any better? Your wife is actively seeking other men's attention. Are you willing to accept this behavior?
She needs to get busy working on herself. She is definitely not a safe partner right now.
I know that you don't want to be a detective/babysitter for your wife, but right now, it comes with the territory. She is absolutely untrustworthy, so it is up to you to know as much as you can---so you can make decisions for YOURSELF regarding the future. The days ahead will not be good my friend, but the sooner that you stand up for what you expect and deserve in your marriage, the sooner that you will learn if your wife is going to be a part of your future.
Keep posting. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help. Good luck.
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 37735
| Posted: 6:41 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014|
I am so sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs.
Please listen to all the above posters & draw your line in the sand immediately.
I found out about my WH's A by checking his phone record, because he was acting "different." The minute I saw all the calls/texts back & forth to this one number, I *knew* what was going on. I confronted WH immediately without any other proof, & he admitted that it was a PA, but stated that he had only slept with OW once ( altho he stated that there were a few other "make out sessions but they didn't go all the way." ) I really don't believe this story , but he has stuck to it for the past 3 years since Dday.
I had not found SI yet, or I would have done things differently. I wish I had been much tougher with WH----I was way too nice.
I will say this though: no matter how far your WW has already gone with OM, the earlier you nip this in the bud, the better.
I would definitely tell her what Bigger said:
"You are free to stay so we can work on our marriage. Or you can choose to go. But not as my wife."
Sending you strength.
together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family
Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 41947
| Posted: 9:55 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014|
By the way, I also am an. IU Hoosier a lot older than you. That being said, you have a lot lf advice here ALL the same. Don't let this happen!!!! If she continues get did of her .
Everyone says the same thing in different words.
And I would not stand for any more girls trips with these friends . They all know about it
Posts: 797 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Member # 43075
| Posted: 5:46 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014|
Bump, only because he hasn't posted in a couple of days and his time for decision and action is rapidly passing.
If you talk to her and explain her choices and the consequences, please do so calmly. Getting her to understand that you are deadly serious is the only issue you should care about. Don't react to her lies and hysterics or tears. Her actions mean everything, not her words. If she goes, she has made her decision. If she stays, there's lots of work ahead for both of you, but there is also hope.
I agree that OH should be told. Wouldn't you want to be told?
Posts: 750 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 43416
| Posted: 5:58 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014|
Thank you everybody for your help and input. I was away on a business overnighter last night, but I am sitting her down tonight when she gets home from work. I will give her the option to stay and try to work things out or go and not come back. If she decides to still go, I will visit a Lawyer tomorrow and get the paperwork started. I'm also going to talk to the other husband tonight and give him the list of what I know his wife has done/plans to do.
I never thought I would be any where close to a situation like this and it's killing me. I really do not know what the next steps are if the decision tonight is a D.
I know it is not right, but I have so much shame, embarrasment, and saddness. I don't know what to tell people other than she's messed up and a liar. It's hard to get much done at work and I need to start eating, but my appetite is non existant.
I want to thank everybody who posted on this thread. It actually means a lot to me and has helped more than I would have ever thought. Thank you
Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2014
|Topic Posts: 867|