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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUHoosier

Read yours at statement where you said "I know there is no explanation for it"

There is a clear explanation for it . Your wife is involved with another man is the explanation. If you end that you can win the game. But don't forget for a minute what is causing this and start questioning yourself or anything you have done.

Remember, you are in control here. YOU are going to decide when and if you have had enough of her fence sitting and file for D. You did GREAT telling her your marriage will not consist of three people, and making sure she believes you mean it.

She now has a clear choice between her marriage and a long distance boyfriend. But before you R with her you have to be sure in your heart that you will not find out later that she did have sex with him on Mexico.

Keep asking yourself if you had just made out with some girl on vacation could you see yourself telling your wife you might want to leave her over that. I doubt it. I still also think you should see if there is any more information you can get from the girlfriend that got pissed unless you think your wife has begged her to keep quiet.

You are now going into your third week of this which is terrible I know. But it is just as terrible for her. Believe me she is realizing that there is no way she is going to get away with seeing this guy again while you are breathing unless you D.

A number of us are communicating with each other trying to put our heads together to try to help you. There are still some things you might know that might help us do better for you
(1) did the toxic girlfriends husband know and approve of the week end they were planning to meet up with these guys. My guess is yes if he was fine on finding out she slept with the guy in Mexico. If he did then my guess is him and his wife are prime suspects in facilitating contact between your wife and Canadian.
(2) have you requested from phone company the all the texts that may have bed deleted prior to you noticing the phone bill?
The techies can tell you how to get all that
(3) whe you have her work cell password, do you have her work e mail info. If she can anonymously talk to this guy at work on a free line there is your answer.

I am confident you are doing the best you can in difficult situation. Stay mad and vigilant and you will get the answers you are looking for


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there is no explanation for it.

Yes there is, she knows it and is choosing not to tell you. Hint, think Plan B.

You deserve better. Whether she is currently contacting him or not, You and the M are NOT her priority. You cannot force her to choose you by *niceing* her back.

Change the rules.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:18 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2872 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoosier,

Just bumping this thread up to see how you're doing???


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2469 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, yesterday morning I found an email she wrote to him from Friday. I told her that was it and gave her preliminary divorce papers my lawyer gave to me. Hardest thing I have had to do.

She was shocked that I had already seen a lawyer and thought this through, even though I told her this was exactly what was going to happen. She didn't say much and just sat on the couch with a stare for a while. I left the house and went to a friends. I came back a few hours later and just hung outside in the yard on my hammock. She came outside a few hours after and finally broke down. Haven't really seen her cry since this all started, but she was balling last night. It looked like it finally hit her. I said it was complete BS that she thinks it's ok to have a boyfriend and a husband. She said she made mistakes and she knows she wants to be with me. I told her I couldn't believe anything more she said and I am going to continue down the D path.

She is still claiming that they only kissed and that was it, but it doesn't make sense why this guy would be this interested if that's all he got. He did get some pictures out of it I guess. I don't know what the next steps are, but I am going to continue with the D. How do I know if I can trust a little piece of her and know if she truley wants to R?


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Filing for divorce doesn't mean you will get divorced. But you gave her exactly what she needed. She wasn't out of the A, and wasn't planning to leave it, either.

On the other hand, by filing, you are in control. And if/when you decide this M isn't worth investing in any more, you just need to keep the process going and you'll be out.

If I got a kiss and those pics, I'd guess I had a chance to score, so I can understand OM. We know what he wanted, even if she thought it was "more". Yeah, girl, right. Is she still a teenager by any chance?

She needs to understand that this is the new reality. If she can fix her shit, you MAY reconcile. What's she doing to fix herself? There is something inside her that tells her its not only o.k. but desirable to seek out another.

Crying could be just another symptom of regret and self-pity rather than remorse. You are old enough to know that women's tears can be caused by many feelings which we men just don't share. My W can cry over movies, yet the last movie I cried over was Old Yeller when he had to shoot his own dog--and I was probably 8 years old.
Here, tears could be that Plan B was going away, and Plan A had not come to fruition. You just never know.

You should re-read this entire thread. You have shown remarkable consistency towards her. She has talked the talk from your first post, even while she was planning on seeing what Hoser looked like naked with ToxicGF's connivance.


[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:22 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
toby
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Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was in the email?


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

The e mail said something that made you pull the trigger. Was she telling him she wanted to continue, and how did she think she was going to meet up with him and stay with you.
I am amazed she actually sent an email knowing you had access to her phones and e mail password. How many others had she sent??
You hit it right on the head. She still is lying to you. When you said why would he want to go to all this trouble for kiss and pictures. Tell her she can take a polygraph but that you do not believe there was more.
She is cloaking it in just saying she made mistakes


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The email was how much they like talking to each other and how he feels like he can tell her anything. Just a bunch of BS that he said to her to get her. There wasn't anything sexual in the emails, all emotional stuff. She wrote stuff like "I feel so crazy and you are the only one who understands me". Which I'm pretty sure I read on one of the threads here is a common saying.

I told her there was just no way I would ever trust her again. At least not like before. I don't even know how I would start the process of trust again.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

That last post reveals a LOT.
(1) How on earth could a guy she only kissed and had drinks with be "the only one who understands me??? Reverse the roles. Is there any way you could imagine becoming that close to someone you never were intimate with.
(2) Still don't know how far he actually lives from you. As a guy, why on earth would you talk like that to a married woman whose husband knows what is going on IF all you got was a kiss and a few pictures. If he lives close enough to easily come to see her, I can understand him trying to just woo her. If this is truly long distance where she would have to get away from you overnight to have any chance of seeing him, then he difinately got more than a kiss.

The one thing that is sure is that this guy ios a real scum bag. But remember, it would end instantly if your wife wanted it to.

You are exactly right. You cannot trust her as far as you can throw her and she needs to understand that is not going to change overnight regardless of what she says and until you are convinced she has totally cut this POS out of her life. Start by deleting her e mail account and giving her one he does not know. Then if there is more then she initiated it.

As other have said, you have done a GREAT job so far in a very difficult situation. I hope we have helped you. You are now ahead of the curve in getting her attention. i think the next time you talk to her you should ask her how many e mails that you did not see went back and forth in the past week, and how she is communicating to him if there is any other way, and the next time she tells you they did not have sex i wouild ask her to take a polygraph. Her answer to that will give you the answer to one major question i think you need for yourself to have any chance to heal.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that, my friends, is the definition of an EA via electronic communication.

Oops, Schaden has some more bad news for her. Since he's Canadian and she's an American, it isn't as easy as crossing the border to immigrate to either country. Its a lot of red tape, dealing with potentially hostile government bureaucrats, and if one moves to Canada, proving she's healthy, has employment skills useful in Canada, and a bunch of other things. I suspect those haven't entered her fog-filled mind quite yet.

Unless she has a job transfer to Canada, which makes things far easier. Possible? Not only her company, but his (especially if he owns it and can hire her).


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I feel so crazy and you are the only one who understands me".
That is very common in either an EA or PA. The poor misunderstood me attitude. Elicit sympathy stuff.

It could be just an EA at this point, but nonetheless, it is still an affair.

Basically, it just means that my husband can't understand why I cannot have male friends kind of thing. And it is all fog talk.

Married woman living in the real world wouldn't even utter such goofy words. All fog of the affair.


Posts: 4034 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy lives about an hour from Niagra Falls, which is about 2.5 hours from us, so it's International, but still very close. I can track her phone, so I know if she goes into Canada, plus I have her passport in my gun safe, so I will know if she takes that out. But, I have no way of knowing if he comes down during the work day.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find out if your state has an "enhanced" drivers license which is a valid substitute for a passport when traveling to Canada, Mexico,and the Caribbean. I have one since Canada is less than a hour away not counting waiting at the border. If so, find out if she has one. They usually say "enhanced " or similar somewhere on them and getting one is easy.

3.5 hours plus border crossing delays equals a 7 hour round trip. More than most guys would endure more than once or twice IMHO. They are still geographically undesirable.

You are 100% right however that he could travel for work into your area. And potentially spend nights here if he has to go even further south than where you are.

Remind her you promised her a divorce if she broke NC. And breaking NC was her choice, not yours. Your marriage was meant for two people, not three. Remind her of that, too. Pretty much everything else, she can go through a lawyer to communicate to you. It's the ultimate 180, which lets you detach from her. Since I predict you will become the bad guy in her mind and from her mouth. Be a broken record on that issue.

You can't trust her, and she found out the hard way that she should have believed you.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUHoosier

You did the right thing service divorce papers.

All you can do is point out to your wife how crazy she is throwing away your marriage and family for a guy she has only known a few days.

She will not get it right now.

But stay firm.

You really have no other choice.

I bet she was in shock when she realized you are no longer kidding with her.

Keep showing her consequences.

Show her what her life will look like without you in it......

Start by locking your finances down.

HM


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the Canadian finds out she has left her husband for him, he may just run in the other direction. Does he have a wife and family? Your wife may not have the whole truth about that any way.

Find your real life companion. I do not think your wife has the capacity.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1480 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad news how close he lives. My guess is he is single, right??? So now that she has written one NC letter that she broke, if she is stating she wants you, you have to up the ante. This time no contact phone call with you on the phone as minimum.

She needs to also know you are going to call her work periodically and she better be there.

I guess you can see now where you would have been headed if you ignored all of the advice everyone has been giving you.

If you can't get to the point where you trust her how can you live with her??? The threat of the polygraph will force her to tell you the truth and keep telling you the truth.

With this guy only 2,5 hours away unfortunately he is still within striking distance and you have to show no leniency or compromise . You said it. She does not get to have a boyfriend and you.

Stay strong. You are winning and if you keep it up you will have your marriage backI IF you want it.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure he has not already been down during the work day. That may explain why some days she wanted no part of you. I am guessing she cannot get into your gun case for the passport, although if she tries something that brazen you need out period. I agree him coming down there is the bigger potential problem and since he is such a POS I believe he WILL try it.

I think you put tracking device in her car. If not you better do it because it will be hard to know where she is at lunch at work or during the day. You obviously cant call there every hour or you will create problems at her job and still not know exactly where she is.

I still suggest you call every girlfriend on the trip and say something like this:

Hi, this is ____, _______'s husband. I know you are aware that my wife did some inappropriate things on the recent trip to Mexico, and I am aware of it. We are in a very difficult time in our marriage, so i am just requesting that you refrain from asking her to go on any girls night out with you or any out of town trips with you for shopping or any other reason until we work this out one way or the other.

There is nothing impolite about it. She will freak out because she will be scared someone may say something that will give you information you do not know. my guess is the one friend you talked to has already told them what she has done but you have nothing to lose. She needs to be convinced you are stopping at nothing to find out the truth.

You may not feel comfortable with that so you have to do what you are Ok with. That e mail you caught was not the first one.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the odds that a guy she met in Mexico and had an affair with, only lives 2 1/2 hours away? Something missing here!


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW, Hoosier. I didn't expect THIS update when I bumped your thread.

BUT, as the others have said, you absolutely did the right thing in giving her the preliminary D papers. THAT is what we've been advising to knock her off the fence. NOW she has had her wake-up call, and her little fantasy has been blown to smithereens. I think she has finally realized that you will NOT be there as her backup plan. That's the strong dose of reality that she needed.

Did you plant a VAR in her car yet? Any luck searching for/finding a burner phone?

At this point, you do NOT know if or when you can trust her. She must EARN your trust in teensy baby steps through her ACTIONS. This is all very new, so I wouldn't trust her at all. Trust can be earned through hard work, transparency, and her actions that show true REMORSE, not merely regret at being caught.

You've thrown down the gauntlet and shown her your boundaries. It is now up to HER to do everything within her power to be ALL IN to the marriage and repairing the damage she's done. I'm still not buying her story, tho - FWIW. I agree with the others that there's more to this than kissing and a few pics. You don't throw away your marriage for some stranger you met in Mexico and a few kisses. You just DON'T.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2469 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi IU Hoosier,

I am very proud of you. What you did took a lot of strength. It was the only thing you could do if you have any chance of saving your marriage.
You have to be willing to walk away.

Believe me, you got her attention, & she respects you more now (because you are respecting yourself).

As has already been said, you can stop the divorce process at any time, or prolong it if you are not sure, but this gesture sure made a very big statement to her about where you draw the line.

Is she in or out? You have to push her off the fence.

If she is still waffling, your next big gesture is to take your wedding ring off & hand it to her.
I read that visual symbolic gestures like that sometimes register in a waywards mind more powerfully than any words.
That's what I did anyway, & things turned around after I did these 2 things, because WH finally got it about what he was about to lose. I only wish I had done them earlier than I did, like you are.

Wishing you luck. I know you are hoping to R, so I hope she gets it.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

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