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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add, IU Hoosier, that you were lucky to find that email between them from Friday, but most of us have been 100 % sure, from her behavior, that they have been communicating all along.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier
One other thing about the passport. She does not need it to drive to the border and now we are talking about less time so you really need to track her phone location and whereabouts. Your D papers can move at your pace. Not sure about the ring thing. It might work but it might make her think its hopeless and then she might figure she has nothing to lose. You need to keep her guessing and having to win you back .
If you want to let us know what is happening

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found an email she wrote to him from Friday. I told her that was it and gave her preliminary divorce papers my lawyer gave to me

AWESOME

She said she made mistakes and she knows she wants to be with me. I told her I couldn't believe anything more she said and I am going to continue down the D path

Nope, she made choices, among them, continued contact in the face of D.

Having said that, I understand why some other posters are so adamant that she got physical with him. Hell, I myself would say all the signs are there especially with the continued contact. However, not knowing your WW, the OM could be 'grooming' her. POSER's are sometimes especially adept at *mirroring* and having the WW essentially fall in love with a version of what they think a *perfect* man is. After all, she just described it to the OM and he fit every category, didn't he?

How do I know if I can trust a little piece of her and know if she truley wants to R?

That's easy. Right now you can't trust her nor know if she truly want's R. Those are only achievable through sustained actions carried out over a very looooong interval.(think 2-5 years). Keep reading here. Discover the difference between remorse and regret. What do you need to look for? It's a bumpy road to choose R. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you've done well Hoosier. If she doesn't wake up and realize what she's done now, then you couldn't have saved it anyway. as you can see, she's been lying to you about no contact while at the same time sending him emails, and who knows what else. You're right, he could have easily driven down to see her.

so now you wait. if she doesn't end her contact with him and go to great lengths to prove to you how remorseful she is almost immediately, then you've already lost her.

But I'm proud of you. There are so many cases of men who can't force their wives to NC. They don't see how they're prolonging the pain. They come up with excuses about how their wives are stubborn, etc. The reality is, if you don't treat yourself with respect how can you expect your WW to treat you with respect? And they don't.

I think your wife will come to her senses. The real question is, do you still want her? She went on a vacation to Mexico. She at the minimum started an EA with a new man and continued to contact him even after the threat of divorce. At the worst she's had sex with him and has been lying to you. You don't have kids. You're still young. It may be the best thing for you to move on. find someone new.

I wish you the best.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike made a great point. DO YOU STILL WANT HER???
You have this creep two hours away who is now obviously doing everything he can to break up your marriage. Knowing what she has done in breaking NC , if not worse, you need to formulate how and if she can ever regain your trust to where you are not looking over your shoulder waiting for them to start contact again.
This is not just her pursuing him, he is pursuing her based on what you said was said on the emails.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind he is going to try to come down to see her is he is still being the PO S he is by not letting this go. I would not be surprised if he was not there already last week. That e mail did not sound like they had had NC since the first NC you demanded.
She is still lying to you. This is beyond bizarre behavior for a guy who only got a kiss.i hope you do not stop this D process until you get a timeline that is plausible and that you believe or get a polygraph test. I don't see how you can possibly R until you in your heart believe you know the truth

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tom67
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Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU you are doing well considering.
You may want to email him and say "she is all yours I am done with her."
Hang in there and vent here.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I know if I can trust a little piece of her and know if she truley wants to R?

Like 5454real said, one action at a time over a period of 2-5 yrs. Keep in mind the difference between reactive and proactive actions. You want her to be proactive in earning her way back to you and helping you heal.

and during this time, like Mike7 said, you will be asking yourself if you still want her after what she has put you through. You don't have children with her so the decision is simplified. But, if you do decide to R I think you have to look at it as starting over as a completely new marriage/relationship.

So kick up your feet and take the load off your shoulders from here on out. She has to do the brunt of the work now for a possible R. You just have to observe her actions, gauge its sincerity, and continue to detach until you see she is meeting your requirements AND being proactive in her efforts to own her shit, fix herself, and help you heal. I'm sure I'm missing something in here but you get the jist of it.

Oh, and if she really is working on R, you will get more truth down the road. Prepare for TT and Dday revisitations. She needs to construct a timeline of the A for you. That should be right up at the top of your list of demands.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You must now also assume she has contacted him and told her what you did so if there is not a 180 turn in her attitude based on all the crying I am sure he will offer to come down and console her. Don't underestimate this scum bag. Of course your wife could end all your having to worry about that if she wanted to but so far all you got was more betrayal

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Deleted this post because I realized he original post was some time ago.

[This message edited by seethelight at 2:44 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


If two people truly have feelings for one another then they dont have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi IU Hoosier,

How are you doing?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are ok. I have been watching her very close and don't think she has contacted him since the D papers. I have a pretty good idea now of how she acts when she's in contact, so unless she figured that out, I have that on my side. I'm ising VAR and haven't caught anything.

Recent, I have been very angry with myself that I still love her so much! I don't know how/why I still have these string feelings even after everything she has done and said to this OP. It's unthinkable how she could just not care and throw it all away over 2 nights in Mexico. Really messes with my head.

I really want to call this joker up and give him a piece of my mind.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't contact him unless you want to further unite the enemy forces. You'll give them a common enemy and give OM the opportunity to creatively relay to WW that you are an insane, controlling nutcase, etc. she may not recognize that as total bullshit since while you have been totally consistent in your treatment of her, she probably sees it as oppressive, controlling, etc.

Just make sure that you have consistent demands on her for you to consider R. NC being number One. No lies being 2, transparency being 3. You've gotten this drill from others here.

Keep up the good work.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:07 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't call him for a couple of reasons
(1) he does not give a shit. He wants your wife. And if you call him he may just get pissed and do more to try to get at you . He does not matter. If your wife does not want to talk to him he can rot in hell. Your problem is her, not him!!! He just likes getting laid.
(2) you don't want a physical confrontation that can land you in trouble.

IU Hoosier, D papers or not what has she done if anything since she was balling her eyes out to convince you she intends to break this off with him this time. She lied once before. Yes she could get a burner phone but so far it is easy for him. She s has the same cell phone number, same e mail addresses, so basically you are still in detective mode( don't get out of it) and she wants to be with you she says but has done nothing to make herself invisible to this guy. So you really think NC will last? Really???
The fact that you just stated that this all occurred in two nights makes me more convinced than ever you do not know the truth. It is a ridiculous coincidence that she goes all the way to Mexico and just happens to bump into a guy who lives two hours away. You can count on that he was down there between the time she got home and you discovered the phone bill. If there is anyone reading this that believes all of this could be over two nights and only a kiss please tell me I am crazy!!!
I know you love her but can you live like you are now not knowing the entire truth and just sitting there with her giving you nothing but her word which has already been broken that she will not reignite this affair.
The bottom line is you cannot stop him from trying to intrude into your life unless she makes it impossible for him to reach her. He probably knows where she works and her first phone call the other day when you presented her the papers was to him.
I again am going to tell you if you want her to come clean you need to tell her you do not believe what she has told you and that only a polygraph will bring out the truth. If she refuses you have your answer that you need out of this marriage or you will get more pain. She stated she did not know if she loved you, got scared when you presented D papers and got emotional, but your post only says you have not caught her again yet but nothing about her attitude and willingness for total transparency.
And lastly do not believe for a minute since she broke NC with him that she is not getting encouragement for her girlfriend who banged the other Canadian


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUHoosier

Sorry, one other thing. Until the Canadian actually believes your wife will not meet him again and will not respond to him , he will keep at it. Only she can make that happen, so if he is still at it she is still encouraging him.

You said also you are pretty sure she is no contact . How is she acting towards you???? Like she was when she was balling her eyes out or like she was last week when she was lying to you


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, believe me. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate OW. I have a bottle of champagne in my house waiting for the day that I hear that God gave her what she deserves, for what she did to me & my kids (believe me, I do know that WH was equally at fault, because he chose to go for it.)

It is best to keep your dignity & not even acknowledge OM though. He is a POS & is really insignificant in the big picture of things.
There are many predatory OMs/OWs out there.

If you & WW are able to R, you will need to build a strong wall around your marriage to keep these low lives out.

I also totally get how you are so torn. There are really no good choices for us BSs. We can choose to walk away, or we can choose to try to R with a person who could do something this painful to us. It is truly mind boggling how our WSs so quickly & casually throw everything away for a cheap fantasy. Don't be angry at yourself tho. Everything that you feel is normal.

Other than the big show of tears when you handed her the D papers, do you feel in your gut that WW is at all remorseful? Or is she still not sure of where she stands?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to Badhurt's last post...he is spot on IMO.

There is no fucking way a person throws away a long term M and their family over two nights and a kiss with someone they just met.

Either she ALREADY knew this guy before Mexico, and you have only caught her most recent encounter with POS.

Or there is A LOT more to what really happened in Mexico AND the time after wards up until you finally caught on.

He and she could have met up several times while you were oblivious.

A couple hour drive doesn't mean shit to people in 'love'.

Do a timeline for yourself over the past year or so with a premium on any weekends, visits, or time she spent with her toxic friend.

This meet up you discovered may not have been their first weekend rendezvous, and Mexico might have been a planned vacation together.

Something is very off with this situation and there is a lot you have yet to discover IMO.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 2:36 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do hope that what Dyokemm ^^^ posted in not true. It was true in my case unfortunately.

I found texts associated with a conference in Miami, where "they ran into each other" and "just kissed." I thought I had nipped it in the bud by my discovery. My first post here chronicles that. Turns out I caught the tail end of a 3 year long distance A with 4 previous meetings. Oh, and there was more than kissing involved.

So get prepared and be vigilant.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:08 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think this was something that was going on before this trip. I would have noticed the phone bill, her behavior changing, etc. all the stuff that have her up after the trip. From how I have been so easily able to find texts and emails, makes me believe she is new to this shitty lifestyle she's living.

Her behavior since the papers has been getting better. She will ask me how I'm doing from time to time and say how sorry she is. I still don't know how far I'm going to take the papers, but I'm not stopping anytime soon. She needs to realize I'm dead serious about this and I'm going to D her unless serious changes happen. We have talked about getting her a new number, but I'm not sure if he ever had her work number. She says he doesn't, because she didn't want any texts going to her work cell in case they were graphic. Her company is really strict about personal use of the work cell. They go through them once a quarter.

I'm still pushing the "just a kiss", because I'm with the majority of you with the thinking that it had to be more. It just had to be.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even if you do D her. that does not mean you wont be together in the end.

there are some here who D their WS and then work was done to rebuild things and they are back together.

stay the course and let it play out however it does. the end is not the end until you say its the end.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
redsox13
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Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what I wonder is even if she had just a kiss, was the entire point of going to Mexico to cheat.

There is something in the description of her - detached, passive - that makes me think the intent to cheat existed before she actually met the guy.

This is just a guess - but something in her behavior just doesn't add up. She acts like she has been in an affair for years.

FWIW


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 251 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
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