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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's a sad situation IU. But at least you found out she was still calling/contacting him. We knew she was. Her actions didn't comport with someone who was NC.

I guess now you should pull a hard 180. Don't talk to her at all. I mean, "at all." Let the divorce proceed.

She will either have a complete breakdown and beg to do absolutely anything, or you've already lost her. make sure you tell her parents that you're divorcing her and why. Make sure everyone knows. The embarrassment might turn her around, and the likely condemnation.

i can't believe she would say goodbye to you and your marriage to talk to a guy she met on vacation. she's obviously very much in a fog.


I also want to add that I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.

[This message edited by mike7 at 12:32 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 540 | Registered: Mar 2013
saveus
♂ Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUHoosier, I've been following your story and would like to say I really feel for you. Not much I can say except so much of what you describe rings a bell, and I'll keep following and hoping for the best for you.


Me: BS/38
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 256 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with mike7. Hard 180 and start exposing. There's still a good chance that she'll pull her head outta her ass. But you must act quick, before she moves out!

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUHoosier

I am sorry this happened but you deserve better than this and you have to prepare to get rid of her from your life. You know who she called when she left the house. I would demand to see that phone..
You can probably listen to the a VAR . So she was sitting in your house and called him from home? With you around?
I agree with Mike on telling everyone now and her family and telling them yourself what she has done.
You cannot back down now. Take the next step for the divorce.
I disagree with the 180. You have plenty of time to heal yourself if you D . This has not gone on long enough for you to be physically ill at your young age.
She will welcome the 180. Unfortunately you were giving her a modified 180 for three week now and she has used the space to carry on the emotional affair . If she has banged him she has also out you at risk for STD.
You can count on him coming down. That was probably decided last night when she left the house


Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier,
Keep posting!!! Whichever way this goes the people who have been talking to you have BTDT.
Don't endure this alone.,

Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with mike7 except for not talking to your WW "at all".

There should not be much conversation with your WW. But when you do converse, it should only be about the impending life apart from one another, as you head towards divorce(i.e. leaving infidelity). Finances, selling the home(or buying the other person out), scheduling---these should be brought up to her in a very matter-of-fact and emotionless way. She needs to see that you are both strong....and serious. Perhaps an in-house separation(her moving into another room) at this point, will continue to drive the message home.

And the message is: (1) Commitment to you and the marriage, (2) No Contact, and (3) the work to start on finding her core problems.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2035 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I was trying to say a couple of posts ago. The issue isn't how physical this A got, but her refusal,to detach from it whatever it was. She has proven that for some reason it was more important to her to reach out to this guy than to maintain your NC requirement.

You'll probably know if you see the beginnings of true remorse from her or whether this crazy obsession of hers continues.

There is something else strange here. If I were him, I'd weigh the benefits with the burden and probably decide there are way too many girls between where I lived and where you live to continue this vacation romance. First the weekend of fun was suddenly cancelled. Then communication became difficult. Then she's not sure she's going to leave her H. I'd be thinking go fishing again in Mexico rather than put up with this drama. Most single guys learn early on that there's little return in pursuing drama queens, especially over long distances where the drama queen Is already in a relationship. Why hasn't counseling made her realize that, too?

If here is no remorse now, count on her planning a meeting with him. She is obsessed apparently and will not be stopped until her "dream" is realized unless she understands that such will cost her the marriage. The soap,opera producers, Hollywood script writers, and women's romance novelists have never lost money writing stories like,this that somehow appeal to some deep-seated desire in women for doomed romances.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 7:04 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iu Hoosier

read what Schadenfreude just said.

You need to make it ABSOLUTELY clear to her if she meets with this guy that there is NO TURNING BACK AND YOU ARE DONE.

You now know at 1AM her first call last night when she left the house was to him. You can be sure if she disappears this week and and has not again begged you for forgiveness that she is with him

I also cannot understand why a single guy would go through all this for a girl he had for two or three days but i believe it is your wife who is keeping this thing aive and is the instigator.


Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder when and where she called the OM.

I would have asked her many more questions while she was in an admitting mood last night.

How many times has she called him
What phone is she using to call him on.

Don't you already have access to her personal phone...and she called him anyway?

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

Since she doesn't know about the VAR, I guess today should be very telling on what you hear her say to her friends possibly.


Posts: 3758 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The soap,opera producers, Hollywood script writers, and women's romance novelists have never lost money writing stories like,this that somehow appeal to some deep-seated desire in women for doomed romances.

EXACTLY!

Enter Twilight and all the carbon copy movies and tv series, Shades of Grey, Something Borrowed/Something Blue, on and on and on and on....

Some women see/read it as entertainment and nothing more. Some take this shit in as gospel and the very definition of true romance.

IU, you got a drama queen on your hands. Good job showing some cahones and telling her to scram. Move forward to D. From here on out you can only judge her by verifiable actions. The burden is on your WW now to save the M.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 438 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she admits she was talking to him, says that she can't just break up with one phone call, and then LEAVES?

She is acting as if this guy is her soul mate. I guarantee she was talking to him while she drove around, and I have little doubt they discussed meeting again.

Move forward with the divorce. The fog is going to lift at some point - but until it does you can't trust her at all. She is like a child breaking things.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redsox:
says that she can't just break up with one phone call
No, she said she couldn't just break up with an email.

I find the term break up very interesting for a married woman who only kissed this guy.

Break up. Huh?


Posts: 3758 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw her this morning and she said she did call him when she left last night. She sent me an email today basically sayng same bull shit she has been saying all along. She wants to work us out, but can't promise she won't contact this guy again. I wrote back I'm going through with the D and there's no way that's going to stop unless she can somehow prove it's over.

I mean at this point she is saying she doesn't know who she wants. The fog is realy bad right now and I don't think we will make this through.

I'm prety sure pushing the D through faster is just going to push her to the OP more, but I have nothing else to do


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who have you exposed the affair too?

Exposing is the single most effective tool you can use to break the affair fog!!


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told anybody

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told anybody

Because you think by exposing her, she'll resent you and lose her. Making you look weak?
Right now she's cake-eating!!! You expose to those that she respects the most. Affairs die when exposed to reality!!!

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you put the facts together here they really leave you no option, and I am sorry that is the case.

What bothers me is she goes to see her therapist, and her therapist recommends she spend a week away AFTER you find out. Then AFTER you confront her she leaves again, and calls the OM. That conversation had to include the possibility of a divorce. Then she sends you an email essentially telling you she is going to contact this person again after you catch her in another lie.

I have been through all of this before. I am really sorry you are going through it. But you really have no alternative but to push the divorce as hard as you can.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her parents, siblings, anyone whose opinion she respects & who may have some influence over her TODAY.
I didn't realize that you had not outed this yet. What are you waiting for? You need help. Those who really care about her will try to get her to see what a mistake she is making.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to start telling people, pushing the divorce, start pushing the consequences of her actions. Start having discussions about practical everyday things. Like what are the living arrangements going to be in the short term. Start talking about finances and how that is going to look in the short term. Kids, pets, all the day to day stuff where the responsibility needs to be divided up. Start showing her what it's going to look like without you around.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One last piece of advice - call the guy. You have his number. Call and text him and tell him he is responsible for ending your marriage.

I did that and it ended everything.

She is counting on you not doing that. Do not assume she is telling him the truth - my ww wasn't telling the OM everything.

My ww got furious when I did that. It also unquestionably saved our marriage.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
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