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Newest Member: shouldknowbetter (44720)

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User Topic: The Unthinkable
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

i am going to play Devils advocate here. First, this therapist is the same one that told you to give her a trial separation, which we know now had she done that she would have been banging his brains out by now. And what kind of an idiot therapist has a woman in front of him or her that lets this person who is in an affair that is breaking up her marriage talk about herself at age 20. A bunch of us questioned whether or not this therapist was insane and the poster JUST NAIVE hit it right on the head. If she can get you to buy into this shit while she goes to therapy she has her "cake eating"
Remember, SHE IS MAKING THE CHOICE TO BE IN AN Affair. And she is REFUSING to stop it. So you are supposed to let her just carry on with the Canadian while you help pay for therapy to find out why she refuses to call it off with this guy and hope it works while she continues on.
That is beyond belief

All of this bull shit about the therapy is NOT YOUR CONCERN As long as she is having an affair with another man and continuing to give you a shit sandwich on a daily basis. Is that how you want to live????

Joint therapy, hopefully with an expert on infidelity, if fine is you have the following
(1) NO CONTACT- not negotiable including a PHONE CALL IN FRONT OF YOU STATING THAT
(2) a COMMITTMENT THAT SHE WANTS YOU- Period

If you do not get that, her phychological problems that have caused this are not your concern any more.
And remember what you said. If she runs physically to him it is over.
SO WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THERAPY HERE until your life is not in total upheaval like it is now.

There should be no more discussion on her terms. How many times is she going to get away with this>


Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told me last night and again in the email that she wants to do Couple Counseling & she said it again in her email. I've been saying this the whole time, but I won't do anything until she decides she isn't going to contact this guy anymore. Am I wrong? No way I should put any more effort into this if she can't even decide she wants me over this guy.

I think she is throwing you a bone. If she keeps you on the line, then she keeps the status quo. Having the both of you. And that is what she wants... for as long as she can. I don't know if you are the back up plan. One way to find out is to push her off the fence.

In all honesty, I would want to have a meeting with the MC individually. If MC is not a NC, acknowledge her(WW) shit kinda person, if he/she is a put it in the past type, MC will be of no help. So do your research before you walk into that.

At this point you don't have much to lose. There are 3 people in the marriage and she is making no promises. I would expose her to her family and others. She wants to have it both relationships, time to let her feel what that is like out in the open. You are not her secret keeper, that is only enabling her affair. I know it is scary, but put some light on that mess and see what she is made of in the light of day.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree to one session of MC. The only topic on the table for discussion is her ongoing affair. TBH, I think her asking for counseling at this point, without SevEring contact, is just a ploy to get her more time to see if the OM is interested.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, this therapist is the same one that told you to give her a trial separation,
Did the therapist really suggest this or did your wife make it up?

How are they communicating. Your wife has admitted to calling him twice now on her personal phone, how is the OM contacting your wife.

I believe you are also seeing her phone calls and text msgs.

Your wife all along has been stalling and had plenty of time.

The strangest thing about this affair, is they have only been together one time, correct, and she continues this like a LTA.


Posts: 3795 | Registered: Jun 2002
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continue to divorce and attend one MC session. Make clear in the session your decision and that she has continued to make contact with the AP. Any therapist worth their salt will tell your WW that she cannot reconcile and have contact with the OP.

You can pursue a divorce and attend MC - though frankly MC at this points just looks like a stalling tactic.

Also see if you can put a VAR in her car.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But don't tell her you're only going to one session. She doesn't need to know that, and for what I've heard of counseling about half,of the first session is a meet and greet waste of time. If she agrees to NC and transparency at counseling, maybe your Path A has a chance. If she won't, even with the neutral,counselor present, Path B gets even more likely.

You control whether the offer for couples counseling is a stall or not. Nobody will put a gun to your head and force you into multiple sessions. Nobody will force you to stop divorce proceedings. If it's her stall technique, I don't think it's very effective.

It all depends on whether you do want to preserve the marriage. You already know that she can plot to be unfaithful. You already know she can be irresistibly drawn to some guy she barely knows. Maybe she can fix herself, maybe not. Better to find out now than later, IMHO. Will couples counseling help with that discovery?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you agree to her suggestion of MC, than she can never say that you were the one who didn't try.

If you agree to her suggestion of MC, it would be like calling her bluff and see if she even goes.


Posts: 3795 | Registered: Jun 2002
clueless1
♀ New Member
Member # 43460
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself mixed in all this. IMHO it seems your wife lives for the excitement found in this other man. If she loves you and wants your marriage to work, she has to refocus on you and your marriage. If she can't do that, then you may have the answer you need. All the best.


sometimes love doesn't conquer all

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NJ
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

Why would you go to one session of marriage counseling when as soon as you leave she is going to call the OM to tell him how it went.
She has been seeing this therapist and has hardly even brought up what she is doing to you.And this therapist she is seeing is likely to tell you to give her space to sort this out based on the track record so far or they will tell you she loves you both and why dont you consider Polyamory. The therapist knows about the affair and is taking your money to talk about her Dad. And you want to go near this therapist.

This has evolved into something REAL SIMPLE.
Marriage Counseling together to Reconcile OR
Canadian and DIVORCE.

How can you agree to ANYTHING while she refuses to stop calling and contacting him. And by the way, if you have not gleaned a ton of information from that VAR in the last few days, then she knows it is there or she is using the burner phone.

Your statements to her are going to carry no weight if she believes you are bluffing. Last night you told her to pack her things, and now tonight while she still says she is going to continue contact with the Canadian, you are going to talk to her about therapy together.

Please do not get sucked into this.



Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shouldn't be the same therapist. Conflict of interest since a/he's seen WW individually. Make sure it isn't the same therapist or it is a stall/waste of time and money.
Bad hurt may be right, but nobody here is psychic or else the forum wouldn't exist. Since you have some interest in preserving the M, consider carefully.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am certainly not a phychologist or therapist, but i have seen 300 posts, all of which with few exception have told IU Hoosier that her agreeing to NO CONTACT has to come first. I cannot recall anyone telling him to allow her to continue on with her affair and "nice" her back.
Now we have a situation where she has lied to him continuously, given him 2 more D Days, made no effort to heal the marriage made his life a living hell for three weeks now, and offers him more of the same.She wants therapy on HER terms And I am AMAZED we have some here suggesting that without her stopping this affair FIRST that he go the therapy with her and give her more time to sit on the fence. One session is going to do nothing and we know that.

IU Hoosier has told her two times that if she did not stop seeing him he would D. he gave her the papers. her response was to humiliate him more by cal;ling this guy last night probably while he was home, then calling him again instead of staying to help the marriage. The she reiterates today she has not intention of going NC.

he told her to leave the house today late last night, and now we are talking here about therapy of any kind without NC.

IU Hoosier, this has to be on your terms. You are the abused spouse here, NOT her.


Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it easier not to call the OM then set up therapy?

You shouldn't have to beg her to stop calling OM.

The fact D is on the table and she still won't stop shows the deepness of the "fog", or is it more likely she knows you are not serious and even though you throw the D card she thinks she can stall for more time by suggesting therapy?

Expose to everyone. Her side and yours. You're not pushing her anywhere she hasn't already decided to go, but maybe your actions this time will show her you are serious that you won't be messed around.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2013
IUHoosier
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Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm going on with this for no reason. Maybe she really just likes this guy so much, that she's willing to do all this to me and throw our marriage away. If this is the case, I'm just delaying the inevitable, right?

I just don't know how she could change so much after a few days in Mexico. Not sure how great this guy can be that it's worth more than 9 years together and 4 years of marriage. It sucks how much I love her right now, it's really ridiculous I can feel this strongly over somebody who can so easily betray me.

I'm not going to go to MC if she's still talking to this POS. I'm not going to call him, because I would not stay calm. If I ever do see him, I am sure there will be a beat down, so hopefully she is smart enough.

I heard on the VAR from a few days ago, that she wouldn't even think about leaving me if it wasn't for this guy. I just want to know what's so fucking great about this POS.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
brokenblackbird
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Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently... it isn't about him. It is about her. It is her fantasy. It is her unicorn and rainbows. A "few days in Mexico" and a make out session would never cause any unbroken person to break up her family.

She isn't thinking right. Show her what her life would truly be like without you - 180, nothing but kids and finances. Start having your own things to do after work. The gym, the library, hanging out with friends. Don't call her. Don't be readily available all the time. And for sure do not go to MC. Start detaching for YOU.


Posts: 762 | Registered: Sep 2010
Commanche1
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Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, Make the affair a bad place to be, Tell everyone what's going on, So the other man isn't married, I'll bet he has a Mom. Let the OM know that you are going to call his family even if you don't, Let him worry about things too.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard on the VAR from a few days ago, that she wouldn't even think about leaving me if it wasn't for this guy. I just want to know what's so fucking great about this POS.
That is the odd part. Just a day to two in Mexico and only kissed once.

It doesn't add up at all.


Posts: 3795 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

You are only delaying the inevitable unless she changes the behavior. Here is the inevitable if she does not stop contact
(1) Every day you will be wondering if she is talking to him, when, and how often.
(2) Eventually, assuming you are right and she has not slept with him either in Mexico or after she got back, how long do you think all this infatuation will go on before they have sex and finalize the love affair. Do you want to live every day of your life into the foreseeable future just spying waiting for that to happen???
(3) Do you think if they stay in contact the sexting will not start again. Do you want to be living with a woman that when you turn your back will be sending nude pictures of herself to another man.
(4) Every time she tells you she is going to her girlfriends, it could be to see him. When she returns, she may have just been in bed with him.

The above is what you have waiting for you if you do not stay with your statements to her and allow this to continue. She is doing NOTHING for you but causing you grief.

Here she is telling you she wants counseling, and on the VAR she is telling someone she is thinking of leaving you. Who gives a shit that it would be only for this guy. DO NOT FOCUS ON HIM,? He is just there and she wants to be single for at least a while. if she has not formed a sexual bond with him there is no other rational explanation so stop driving yourself more nuts trying to explain it./ Don't give him superhero status.

If this continues it will effect your health and your job. You CANNOT let her do this to you.

When you talk to her again you need to tell her again she is NOT HAVING THE BOYFRIEND AND YOU unless you can live with the above. Do you really think you will love someone who is doing that to you for long.???

We all know how painful this is to hear but you cannot have a healthy marriage with THREE people in it. Every time I read one of your posts I would pay cash money to be you and get in front of her. You need to keep making her cry and keep pressing her so that you do not get pulled around like this for any longer.

have you figured out why you are not getting any more info from VAR. And why haven't you requested the cell company to provide you with list of all her calls. She is obviously just deleting them

I sincerely apologize if i have said or say anything that hurts you, but i have been on the receiving end of this as have many here and to be honest if you read back most of what I have told you have been fairly accurate, as has what the majority of others have told you would and is happening.

Please do not call this other POS. He will laugh at you and you will feel worse. It is your WIFE THAT IS DOING THIS ALL TO YOU, NOT HIM. All she would have to do is tell him it is over, and she will not do that.


Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing that Craig 2001 just posted.

There is NO way any human being that does not belong in a mental institution would do what she is doing on only two nights and a kiss. Either she is really unbalanced or a lot more happened after she got back that you do not know about yet,

If there is anyone out there that has ever seen anything like this over two evenings and just a kiss with no sex please tell me. I need to be enlightened.


Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
jagged
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Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoosier, you've done exactly the best thing you could have done - to save yourself. Your marriage may not survive, but going the other way, and trying to compromise, hoping she'll come around? FAIL. Trust me on that point.

There may still be a chance she'll come around, but probably not anytime soon. Right now, she's telling Canadouchebag all those things she can tell him...calling and texting and emailing with all the updates and how you've filed for D, and in her mind, she probably feels completely justified now. Don't worry about that, she already wasn't yours to lose anymore by the time you filed.

But no matter. Since you can be certain he's not saying "Oh, no! How terrible! Please, you need to stop calling me and try to save your marriage!", she's probably going to need all the time and space you can give her to "get her head straight"...and Canadouche will be working his A game to close the deal.

You've done it right. Focus on yourself, and healing as best you can, and you'll come through the fire. She's way back on the other side, and may well choose to stay there.


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
toby
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Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing that Craig 2001 just posted.
There is NO way any human being that does not belong in a mental institution would do what she is doing on only two nights and a kiss. Either she is really unbalanced or a lot more happened after she got back that you do not know about yet,

If there is anyone out there that has ever seen anything like this over two evenings and just a kiss with no sex please tell me. I need to be enlightened.


Could be that they connected prior to the trip?

Expose her now.


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