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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good IUH, I am glad you told BIL. That will help.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. And you are not irretrievably angry with her. Which is a very good thing should she come to her senses. Counseling will, I believe,,tell,you whether you are spinning your wheels or not. And that a good thing. Don't drop the divorce yet, you can't predict what will happen.

If she starts to question how you knew so much, just ell her you're not telling. She probably has a poor recollection of what she told you at any given time. That's her own fault for clinging to the fog. You never know when the resources will come in handy again.

I agree that you can't be in MC if she's lying about OM contact. So stay vigilant.

The excrement will hit the whirling blades when BIL talks,to SIL and she calls WW. Be prepared. You did it because you had nobody else to talk to, right?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 1:08 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

Hope this works. She has told you this before. My concern is that she has NOT ended it with him, just put him on hold for a while. I know you will proceed with caution.
I hope you do not get burned again.
You are going to therapy with the Canadian hanging over your head. I hope you find a therapist that will press her to rebuild your ability to trust her.
M can't survive if that does not occur.
I hope you are not going to stop the snooping when she has just told you she will not contact him but then said she does not know if she can maintain that
Please do the polygraph in a few weeks. It is your best insurance policy not to get your heart ripped out.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 1:16 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did say last night that every time I gave her the ultimatum of stop talking to him or we are done, she would feel more trapped and it drive her to him.
I'm glad you called her out on that nonsense. Right there she has basically blamed you for making her call him. And of course that is total nonsense.

How will you know if she is or isn't calling him without complete transparency and passwords etc.

What did you hear on the VAR the night she left at 1am and called him.

Her not getting it that this affair is not as bad as what her friend did is fog also. Just ask your wife how she would feel if this were reversed and you were the one talking to some other woman and trying to decide.

If she says anything like she would be fine with it, than she really is not thinking rationally. Because ANY woman would be livid if they found their husband talking to another woman and trying to choose. And I mean livid. So if she says she would understand...she would be lying.

I can't remember if your wife has read any books, but the book Not Just Friends could get through to her.


Posts: 3941 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on how to find a good MC? How do you know if they are good or if they will just hurt the M?

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the author of "Not just Friends". I found a few different titles on Amazon

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on how to find a good MC? How do you know if they are good or if they will just hurt the M?
From what I've heard...the best MC's are the ones that refuse to console a couple when one of them is in a active affair.

Posts: 1543 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was Shirley Glass the author.
Grab the book "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"
That one is good also.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you will find the book "Not Just Friends" more geared to people who let work or friend relationships slide to a affair. She was not his friend and she is already in a affair.

The therapist thing is harder. You are not signing a contract. If the therapist starts to go down the path that you should try to be patient with her desire to want to have both of you then you have the wrong one
You go to therapist first and tell them situation and that you are not interested on continuing this M in current status or with resumption of contact.
You are going to be going to bed at night wondering if she is being truthful to you. And you will be wondering all the time because she has not proven NC to you by calling him with you there. It's just her word again and she still has him in the wings.
Her friends husband was fine when you told him what happened so I am still a little confused but that does not matter.
At any point you can demand a polygraph . You need to keep spying and get a GPS on her car and I hope you don't go for any week end trips with girlfriends during this.
She has gotten her way.. She has not given you closure, only a temporary reprieve based on her truthfulness which is worthless at tis point.
Do not let this MC person waste a lot of your time and money on her childhood.. You need to know why the fuck this happened and if it is going to end. Anything else is not relavant


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To borrow from the NCAA, any therapist could be "one and done".

Ask your lawyer who his clients have had success with, regardless of the marital outcome.

Maybe ask your doctor for a referral. They know about affairs from STD testing and might know good counselor.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on how to find a good MC? How do you know if they are good or if they will just hurt the M?

I personally asked My attorney who her clients had used, and then not D'd. That was who I used.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8500 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would avoid a recommendation from your W's current IC. Something in the description of the IC's advice makes me suspicious...


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 250 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The others have given you good advice.IUHlosier, one other thing I think you need to think about and why it is so important for you not to let your guard down.
You have to judge how long you think you wife will keep NC if the therapy goes on for a while. How long is the boyfriend going to wait for her and how will she know what he is thinking and if he will still want her if she has no contact with him for months. Remember, you are entering I to this with him not gone but on hold. How does she know he is still on hold if there is NC. Personally unless things change dramatically , I think you have a relatively small window to find all this out. She is not going to let him just disappear from her life without knowing what is going on.
That is why if you do not get that polygraph at some point I believe you will either be lucky and catch her or get blindsided. I don't believe for a minute right now her NC will last real long. If she has no contact how does she know if she dumps you that he will still be there. He may not know yet she is going to try. NC. You better ask the therapist and press her on this in M C

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tom67
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Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is still pining for her bf mc is a waste of money now.
If you do go down this route an mc that has experience in infidelity is the best way to go.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

How is she going NC. By calling him and giving him a rundown of the situation and telling him to be patient


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long will Dudley Dowrong wait? I don't think he's waiting if he's single and not a troll. My guess is at WW is to him something to stroke his ego. An email/phone relationship is cheap as it requires little time or money. WW is a maybe type of thing. He'll take advantage of the situation but isn't pining away for her like she is for him. Don't you guys remember being single?

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She finally told me a little about this guy last night. He's about 6 years older than us and actually has a toddler with an ex girlfriend.

She told me last night that she tried to end things over an email and then she tried to do it over the phone, but it didn't work. Believe me, when she said that, I almost blew up. "Why the hell didn't it work?!" It was because she is deep into this fog and is using him as a crutch when she feels upset about us. She sai she's just going to stop talking to him (block his email and numbers.). This is obviously something I can't varify, because if how many other ways there are to communicate these days. (The internet and social media has made it a lot easier to really fuck up marriages). It makes it almost too easy if they want to.

There's no way for me to know if she is using a burner phone or something, but I will keep on snooping and staying all over it.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's about 6 years older than us and actually has a toddler with an ex girlfriend.
That is interesting. He very well could be married and lying to her.

Have you done any kind of checking up on this guy. Finding out he is married would be one sure way to end her fog.

Badhurt:

I think you will find the book "Not Just Friends" more geared to people who let work or friend relationships slide to a affair. She was not his friend and she is already in a affair.
The book also goes into types of affairs, the wrongness, boundaries and much more. Maybe if his wife read this book among others, she woudnt continue to think her affair isnt wrong or so bad, or as wrong as what her friend did.

Being in the fog also means not listening to most people when they tell them how wrong they are. Sometimes reading it from an author or expert gets them to thinking, that hell yes they are in the wrong and this is just as bad.


Posts: 3941 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked at his Facebook page last night and it looks like he's single.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Tom67
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Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IUH time to get some intel on this pos and then put some pressure on him like at his work and maybe his w/gf.
Make him regret fooling with your wife.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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