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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU if you find you can't eat anything try a protein drink or Ensure.

Do not feel shame or embarrassment. This is all on her and her issues. NOTHING you did causes this. Please remember that.

Good luck and try to stay as calm as possible. I know it's hard and something I could never do. If she chooses to go talk to a lawyer. They will help you and explain everything to you.

Good luck tonight. As others have said don't be be surprised if she goes anyway. Some of things I have heard on here make one shake their head.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 297 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it is not right, but I have so much shame, embarrasment, and saddness. I don't know what to tell people other than she's messed up and a liar. It's hard to get much done at work and I need to start eating, but my appetite is non existant.

You're right that you have done absolutely nothing wrong or nothing to deserve this. It's normal to feel this way though. I would think that most of us have felt this way. I've been having conversation with a close friend on the shame and embarrassment topic lately. It's hard not to feel that way because her cheating implies so many things about the marriage to other people. This is where your perception may be wrong. Sure, some people mauy have a narrow minded view, but really she is broken on some level and many people will realize this. There is nothing that you ahould feel shame or embarrassment for. Really!

I'm very sorry that she put you in this shitty position. Please know that we are here for you. Keep posting when you feel up to it even if it's just to vent how you feel.

Exposing this shit to her friend's BH will help. That friend of hers is not friend to you marriage and regardless of which way this falls, she can never be trusted.

Sending you strength and courage tonight.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2043 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared for shock from her. She will herself be in shock that she was caught. Many times the WS has no clue they are about to be caught.

When they are caught, be aware, that she might say very defensive things out of shock. Some things like she hates you and about anything else out of a defensive posture.

She might also be very sorry, and I hope she is.

Above all, do not let her lie to you. Do not let her sweet talk you into believing her that nothing is going on to the point you believe her and let her go.


Posts: 3904 | Registered: Jun 2002
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you're giving her the sit down tonight. You'll be glad you did one way or the other. It will mean that you did everything in your power to save the marriage. Best of luck to you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 599 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

That;s what we all wanted to hear. I am sure we will all be waiting to hear how you hopefully laid the law down and did not buckle when she tries to bull shit you.

Don't cave. You are doing the right thing and see the lawyer.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here brother. I am happy youre taking such a firm stance with regards to this situation. I had a chance similar to yours and failed miserably on my confrontation before and in the end she had sex with another man. If I could do it again I would absolutely take the line in the sand approach you are planning to take. Everyone is right when they say be prepared for the worst. The waterworks will come, the hysterics, the minimizing. There is a commonly used phrase to keep in mind moving forward; whatever the outcome of tonight turn the volume down and watch the tv. Words at this point are unequivacobly meaningless, actions are all that matter. Crying and hysterics are not actions, kicking her friend out of her life, going to IC, being transparent, changing her number, etc. that is ALL that matters. Strength to you.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 145 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she is going to try and mess with my head. She's on the way home now and just sent a text saying "I'm so excited to see you tonight!" I'm going to hold my ground and make her decide.

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck! Don't let her gaslight you and stay strong. You got this.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2043 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just be cool, you never know how she will react.

Just keep your calm demeanor and calm temper.

Fighting gets nowhere. The blame game also gets nowhere.


Posts: 3904 | Registered: Jun 2002
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck tonight. I hope things work out for you.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 288 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GO IU! Thought you could use support from another Hoosier fan. I think most of the advice above is on target. Don't let this go forward. My story is on my profile, it is hard enough to recover from what has likely already taken place, and even harder if it moves forward. You need to confront your wife, which I think you had planned on doing tonight.

And your wife's friend is not a friend of the marriage and thus serves no positive purpose in your lives.

We are all in your corner and rooting for you, be strong.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just told her everything and she is just sitting there. Keeps saying she doesn't know what to do. Do I just take that as my answer and say done?

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very few find remorse from the start. Watch the tv.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 145 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain, don't give up on your wife or your marriage that easy. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

I think more will follow with better advice, but I wouldn't recommend threats or ultimatums.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let it soak in for her. You said what was needed to be said. Now wait and see what actions she takes. You already decided what your plan is - if she leaves you call an attorney. If she stays, you both talk about timeliness, transparency, NC, IC with the OM and her friend, work on the marriage. Bide your time. Be patient.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regardless of what she does or doesn't do you STILL need to tell the so called friend's BH.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 545 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, you mentioned this affecting your work. Talk to your boss and let him know the situation. More often than not, they are very understanding and give you the flexibility and support.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep no threats nor ultimatums. I just recommend being calm and insisting on complete truth...let her know that complete honesty is an important first step....and as many have suggested...watch the t.v.

and tell the other BH. do NOT tell your wife that you are doing this.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:16 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her turn, not yours. Just tel her you want her to make a decision by herself, not prompted by her cheating gf whose fun & games will be disrupted.

Be prepared for an eruption. Of anger, tears, accusations of privacy invasion, and the like. Be a broken record,about her choice to stay and work on the marriage or leave, but not as your wife.

You cannot control what she does now, but you know you have done the right thing to save your marriage. Her choice now.


Have you contacted OH? Yours may try to contact her gf to warn her the game is up.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, you mentioned this affecting your work. Talk to your boss and let him know the situation. More often than not, they are very understanding and give you the flexibility and support.

I'd have to recommend this as well. Last thing you need right now is to add stress or worry about performance at work on top of everything else you have going on.

You'll be doing yourself no favors if you don't give somebody at least one level above you a heads up on what's happening. If your employer knows that you have a situation at home, then your employer can make allowances - if they don't know, then they can't.

And I'm rooting for you along with everybody else here.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
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