oKAY....I'm ready now. I've got a million things I want to say but I wont.
I too had a husband who was "just a kiss". His entire story made amazingly good sense AND...he told me "the truth" right out of the blue. He said he just could not live with the guilt and he had drinks with a woman one night while away on business and he was wrong! And he was so horrified by his behavior blahdeee blahdee blah.
So fast forward 2 years YES I SAID 2 YEARS! The one part of the story that I could not make sense of was the following: HE KNEW HER NAME-FULL NAME...AND HE KNEW HER DAUGHTER'S FULL NAME AND THE GIRL'S AGE AND WHERE THIS WOMAN'S BUSINESS WAS LOCATED (In another country). I never not once told him I found it very strange to remember that kind of info after ONE night of drinks and a few kisses.
Facebook got better and voila! there she was...right there on the facebook 2 years later. So I had to be sure it was her so I verified that she hung out at this particular hotel-hubby said she used hotel for swimming and working...GREAT MEMORY HUH? So I send the whore an email FROM MY EMAIL ADDRESS and this dumbass slut's response is "OH IS THIS LIMPDICK FROM MY <HUSBAND'S COMPANY NAME HERE>! REMEMBER this email was sent 2 years AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKS where he remembered a ton of personal info about her. Apparently it was something in the drinks because she was having the same memory magic that a few drinks and one kiss brings.
I knew then that I had NO idea what the truth of my life was. I was in shock SHOCK. I nearly died from the aftermath literally. So after years and $$$ I now know the truth of my life. As far as I can verify I have not had a real husband in 8 years. I cannot verify the 13 years before that.
So why in hell would I tell you this old story? to very gently get tough with you. If I could give you a strong stablizing hug I would.
Please forgive me if I hurt you. The truth is that your gut knows the truth. Her response has not even resembled anything you would have LIKED to have seen from her. You got NOTHING. She did not beg. She did not cry. She didnt even get angry as if to be scared of your response. When someone reacts in control it is BECAUSE THEY ARE.
So consider this..why is she still in control?
Well somewhere in her life she has learned to control the flight or fight response. ALL serial cheaters have learned how to control it. Some lawyers, psychologist, and all mobsters do it as well. It is studied through interrogation video.
My second point...the "good" friend. The friend that was "pissed" at her about the other guy. The friend she is now telling how AAAAWFUL the other friend was <whispered: that ole slut friend> how she was so evil to her husband by screwing around and why she does not even speak to that old slut friend anymore
And she has only seen that guy once but gosh...she is CERTAIN that the guy's name from Mexico is ERIC oooor nooo maybe that was CHARMING! YEAH that's whom she met in Mexico...Prince Eric Charming
Okay so how is our high school/teenage girl fairy tale going? Let's summarize the story she is creating. @e have uhm Hypercontrolled Queen Guinevere speaking to her lady in waiting as she extoles the virtues and virility of her King but oh gosh...she met Prince Eric Charming <sigh heard from lady in waiting> and whatever shall she do? She has such love for her King and the virtue of Virgin Mary but he is such a charming prince. The magic in the air is so very powerful. An evil sorcerer has blessed their love in evil. She is drawn to Prince Charming as surely as a moth to a dragon's flame <as good friend faints and marvels at all the magic of unrealized loves> And now Guenivere's behavior is now forgiven by the ladies in waiting because she is a victim...yes! A VICTIM OF MAGICAL LUST! Poor poor Gueneviere...its all so sad and magical at the same time <and good friend runs to the burning hamburger helper as she wishes that SHE had met prince charming on the beach!> Oh OH...and dont forget she had to slay the evil slut friend as virginal sacrifice.
So now YOUR wife...Guinevere...is no longer the Kingdom slut and she retains her royal reputation with her lady in waiting and any mutual friends while CONVINCING the good King Arthur (you) that it was indeed a single kiss...... when in reality it was very likely not. Why do I think that? Because in the fairytale that SHE is writing for you and her friend/family...she was loyal & loving to you whole heart & soul. She had a pristinely innocent one kiss WEEK IN MEXICO horrified by evil slut's whoring around. She was so happy to be home with her king. In fact, she was so grateful to be rescued from those sex fiends...safely back in the arms of her King...hidden from the evil magic...that she decided to send a few naked photos to prove it....but of course she would ONLY give naked pics to prince eric charming...riiiight?
My next point...I think the majority of people here would verify that the types of reactions common to people with real remorse is one that includes the phrase, "OMG Im SO SORRY I DIDNT MEAN IT I SWEAR IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN I WILL DO ANYTHING ANYTHING I TELL YOU I WILL QUIT MY JOB I WILL CUT MY BOOBS OFF I WILL ACTUALLY IRON YOUR SHIRTS EVERY DAY I DID NOT MEAN IT FORGIVE MEEEEEEEEEE
Followed by what many here will happily tell you about: HYSTERICAL BONDING and yes it can have its benefits but Im sure I would never know!
The final point and the one that is the deal breaker for me was her request to stay in a hotel. She quickly said "oh no no no...I dont need a night out of the kingdom....uhhmm but maybe I'll go hang out at kingdom's horse stables for a few weeks...or even a month? Just to get the ole royal thoughts in order...they are all mussed...dear"
So all kidding aside you are probably beginning to understand my point.
The "good" friend is being gaslighted just as badly as you are dear. You simpy cannot believe what is in front of you.
Your wife is engineering her environment...WELL.
The reason she simply sat with no reaction in the beginning was because she was in unPLANNED territory. She had not expected to be uncovered in that manner. She did not respond because she did not want to make a mistake.
Take the naked photographs for example. You have 3 choices:
1. Naked photos from the virginal wife are really no big deal as long as she only sends them to Prince Charming.
2. Uhm a not so virginal wife is very well accustomed to the flirtations and games of internet/real life infidelity where phones, computers, and photographs become surrogates for actually being there and this was NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE HAD FOUND PRINCE MAN OF THE MOMENT. If the photographs ARE her first time WITH THIS GUY then she has done it before (does she send to you maybe?) Because of the hotel request I suspect she does it ALOT and he is married living nearby. why?
When her timeline included "tomorrow after the counselor"? Uhm did you watch her go into the counselor's building? I found it incredibly odd that she asked YOU to find a MC? Psychologist ALWAYS recommend the marriage counselors because there is a PURPOSE to MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND IT SHOULD BE ADJUNCTIVE TO THE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY.
In the cheater's world it is more likely she wanted to talk to "him" and find out a way out of "this mess." There is nothing to consider when you get caught in an affair. If you WANT your husband you move heaven and earth to make him happy. If you do not want your husband you start easing your way out of your marriage and prolonging the agony for the betrayed but the comfort of the infidel. When she said "Tomorrow after I think about it "YOu should have picked up your car keys and LEFT...stay gone a week. Tell family and friends where you are...but she should have heard CRICKETS from you. If she has the AUDACITY to ask for time then get on with it!!!
I've said a lot. I find myself wanting to apologize because I remember when I was you. I wanted desperately to believe and I wasted YEARS believing his calm, cool exterior and perfect stories but nagging little misfit details.
Now advice...because she has openly said, "i cant just tell him goodby with a phone call blah blah blah She is feeding you a classic virgin fairytale. She is relying on your manly vision of his uber feminine wife. She KNOWS you dont see the cheater/manipulator. I bet she does not even see herself as a cheater..or maybe she does. The point is if a person AAALMOST cheats and spouse finds out YOU SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE...not some vague one kiss person!!! If you are firmly entrenched outside your marriage then you use D-day to get out of the marriage. But if you are playing around on the side like a f&cking game THEN YOU FIGHT LIKE HELL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE when you are discovered...SHE DID NONE OF THAT!!!! IT IS BIZARRE
Listen...the time will come when you sit straight up in the bed and realization washes over you. Whether she is there or not or whether y'all are working on the marriage wont matter. You seemed so uhm purposeful when you came here asking for insight. You are not likely a man who would feel empowered by having been a cheated upon husband who is the last one to find out.
She said the famous, "I love you but Im not in love with you." and "I need time" and "It was one kiss" and "just naked pics but first time i swear" and "I cant he is my soul mate after one kiss" SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. Now there is a possibilty the mexico guy could be a SECOND guy whom she is using to throw you off the track of the real affair partner. Try looking at your situation through that scenario and see if it clears up any questions you have about her behavior. Do not use her conversations with good friend as an indication of her affair related behaviors and tactics. She is trying to save her reputation with a nice person AND save her affair AND try to keep you calm and happy so you dont mess up her playhouse.
Really...you just dont jump up and send naked photos to a virtual stranger if you are worried about your husband JUST uncovering your very bad behavior. NOT NORMAL
Lack of emotional response on DDay NOT NORMAL
Asking for hotel separation NOT NORMAL
so much is wrong with the scenario she is writing for you guys. And who is benefitting from her writing? You? nope you are the one walking around with divorce papers as y'all live as husband and wife. Her? Sure...does she SEEM particularly upset? like her world is coming to an end? If she isnt acting like she is scared for her future THEN...
And can I just say it is rare that a post gets this much activity. People are drawn to you because you seem to have such a calm, respectful manner. If she wakes up you may fix things. But if you want to get away from this there is NO doubt you will be okay. You WILL be happy again. You will find a partner in life. Dont let your petty fears interfere in your nightmare. If the implications for her behavior are too big to manage dont make excuses for her actual behavior...just leave and make a fresh start.