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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that you're handling one of the worst situations possible with dignity and poise.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier,

The fact that she is just sitting there and did not try to deny anything says she did a lot more than kiss this guy. So if she is just sitting there on her ass, i say do not give her any time to formulate a story,. She texted you and told you how excited she was to be coming home to you knowing she was planning to go out of town to bang another man in two days.
You need to keep pressing her NOW for the details of EXACTLY what happened in Mexico while she is still stunned at being caught. And you MUST tell the other husband so that these two dicks from Canada come down here to find you guys waiting for them.
Don't get weak IU Hoosier. And make sure she knows that when she walks out that door the lockes will be changed when she comes home.


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What badhurt said.

As soon as your wife makes a decision one way or the other, her next move will be to call her friend. Get to the other BH before the friend does.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here....glad you confronted. I wished I had confronted sooner. The pain is terrible either way...but you were able to stand up tonight.

If she is still sitting their...go someplace quiet and tell her friends husband. As stated before, do not tell her...she will warn her friend.

Let her make the decision. What are the emotions she showing? is she crying, regretful or stumped? Has she disclosed what happened yet? As one of the posters said earlier, he is not traveling that far for just a kiss.

Stay strong....you have engaged. Did you give her a time line to decide? I do recommend if you have not, to give her boundaries as to what is or is not a dealbreaker. If she contacts him...is it a deal breaker? if she see's him...writes him....lies to you about the weekend...goes with her friend and lies....etc.... you get the idea. It helps to define the dealbreakers before they occur then to try to define them after she has crossed the line.

Sending support to you.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's going to take the night to think about it and she has an appointment with her therapist tomorrow that she just started seeing last week. I told her that I was telling the other husband, which she didn't say anything against, but I could tell she got real mad at the thought.

She told me that this weekend wasn't set in stone and she wasn't sure if she was really going to do it. I told her that was bull and I know she was. She just sat there after I said that.

I just sent the husband a text telling him that he needed to ask his wife about Mexico and everything. I told him to call me after and I would tell him everything I found out to verify what she says, which I'm sure won't be the whole thing.


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2014
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did text the other husband the same time I confronted my wife, so she could not warn the other woman, so she can think of excuses.

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2014
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did text the other husband the same time I confronted my wife, so she could not warn the other woman, so she can think of excuses.

I'm clapping.

I know you can't hear it, but that's what I'm doing.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.


Posts: 72 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job, buddy.

You handled that shit 1000x better than many of us did.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same experience. After I confronted my wife she just sat there. Didn't cry - was stone faced. I was showing her evidence of her affair and she had no reaction.

I asked he if she was sorry and she said "of course she was". All the remorse I got.

What is she going to think about?


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thought: Make sure that this-

She's going to take the night to think about it and she has an appointment with her therapist tomorrow that she just started seeing last week.
Doesn't turn into some sick emotional fence-sitting situation. I'd be sure to let her know that she needs to have her decision done by the time she leaves the IC's office.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

So the other guy was just going to drive down from Canada with his buddy and hope the two girls showed up. You need to tell your wife that you are going to get copies of ALL the texts and e mails that went from any of your devices and see what she says.
She STILL has not admitted to you what she did, so if she is not ready to do that you need to file for D asap. You know it takes time to be final but that might knock her off the fence one way or the other so that you do not get jerked around anymore.


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<< SLAM!!! >>

That was the sound of IU closing the bakery!


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To re-inforce what was just said - she should be giving you all emails and text messages now.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is she going to think about?

That she really, really, really didn't expect what just happened to happen.

And she's not going to like that one little bit.

I think our comrade-in-arms will have an interesting tale for us in the next 24 hours.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.


Posts: 72 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoever suggested getting the truth (or at least a facsimile of truth) from her now while,she is still in shock is probably a good idea for your own peace of mind. You probably need to know if she can even be truthful..

PS I'm a Spartan, so you are free to disregard my advice.


Posts: 749 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow I posted twice. Sorry.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:29 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 749 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot remember who said this so I cannot give credit where credit is due but... It is perfectly acceptable to set a timeframe of "NO, RIGHT NOW!!!"

For tonight be proud. You didnt slam the door shut on the bakery, you torched it. Excellent job good sir.


BBF 29
WGF 24
Dday 1 - 1/6/14 EA Day
Dday 2 - 1/23/14 PA Day

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoosier you did great.
If you need to get away from her for a few hours just say you are going out.
Act like you don't care one way or another fake it it shows strength.
Again good job you deserve respect.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing. I wish I would've confronted my ww long before. I didn't want to hover, I respected her feelings and need to figure things out for far too long. You've given both of you a much better chance as well as saving a lot of excruciating time and energy. Good luck!

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2014
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you did great.

However, why are you letting her decide what she wants? That's way too passive in my mind. She's the cheater, the liar.

If you want to give her the night to regroup, fine. But you should tell her tomorrow what your conditions are for YOU staying in the marriage and not filing for divorce. You're the aggrieved party.

Some things to demand: instant transparency on everything, because you can't trust her. NC letter to her friend (and all the friends she went to Mexico with),and the dude that banged her. IC, etc.

If she balks, tell her parents, friends, facebook, everybody that you are getting divorced because your wife cheated on you on a "girls trip" to Mexico and now doesn't want to be married.

[This message edited by mike7 at 11:23 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2013
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