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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Unthinkable
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her I needed an answer by tomorrow night.

Option 1: she tells me everything with text messages and completely ends all contact with guy and other friend. I have read most of the text messages & really don't think I need much more. They were pretty graphic. I told her this wasn't a guarantee we will be together, but we can at least try and see. I told her trusting her will probably never be like before, but she could earn some if that back with actions over the years.

Option 2: is a divorce starting immediately. (going to a lawyer Friday morning if it's option 2.

I have no idea what it will be, but I know I tried my best and put everything I had into it. Thanks again everybody.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what you have done is good.

You don't have kids and you're starting to realize that you might not be able to forgive this. it depends on how hard she works and how remorseful she is. But also on whether you want her anymore.

This whole "girls" trip to Mexico is amazingly immature. What is it, a chance to act like it's spring break again? You thought you married a mature woman, not a sophomore.

If you're married, don't you want a mature, honest woman?

Anyway, I think you've done really, really, good. You may realize it's time to cut bait. You're still young, you've done nothing wrong.

She really needs to put her cowboy hat on straight right now.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 541 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dyokemm
♂ New Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did she give you any further info/confession about what really happened in Mexico?

I truly doubt this POS would be schlepping down to the U.S. for the weekend if he wasn't sure he was getting some.

And the only way he would be sure is if he had already scored.

Plus, for her to take this monumental risk after you had caught her once means that she already has a very deep connection with shitbag.

For most women, that level of attachment only comes AFTER sex/consummation.


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is sticking to the story that they just kissed, which I actually kind of believe after reading the messages between her and her friend. My wife was talking about not know what he looked like naked and wanting to know. One text did say she can't believe the friend slept with the guy, so I don't think they did. But, time will tell I guess.

However, she did tell me that she texted him dirty photos and said she wanted to have sex. So, I think this sh*t bag knows if he comes down, he would get some. We will see if it happens or not. One thing for sure, if she goes, she's not coming back.

I'm sure I'll be freaking out tomorrow waiting for her answer? One last time she can mess with my head.
, but I'm going to try and play it like it is what it is. If she decides to go, I won't show any emotion to her. She's out the door and that's it.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
mike7
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Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I applaud you to some degree, but to be honest, I'm not sure I could do what you're doing.

Really? She needs time to decide between a guy she kissed in Mexico and her husband of 4 years, partner for 9 years?

I'd probably just wake her up and say you can't wait.

You've confronted her. You've caught her nasty plan. She shouldn't need 24 hours to decide. If she needs that long to decide, you might want to just kick her out.

Why isn't she crying and begging for forgiveness? Why isn't she ashamed? Why isn't she embarrassed you caught her lying?


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 541 | Registered: Mar 2013
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike7 is dead on with this.
WTF either she is in or out.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would be quite amazing to go on this trip after her d-day and the d-day of her friend. It seems like there should be nothing to think about the and the trip should be cancelled.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1220 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I applaud you to some degree, but to be honest, I'm not sure I could do what you're doing.
Really? She needs time to decide between a guy she kissed in Mexico and her husband of 4 years, partner for 9 years?

I'd probably just wake her up and say you can't wait.

You've confronted her. You've caught her nasty plan. She shouldn't need 24 hours to decide. If she needs that long to decide, you might want to just kick her out.

Why isn't she crying and begging for forgiveness? Why isn't she ashamed? Why isn't she embarrassed you caught her lying?

^^THIS^^ 1000%

I'll go even further and tell her that no answer IS an answer, and she isn't the ONLY one that has a vote in the decision to STAY MARRIED.

Quite frankly, I'm appalled at her "I need time to decide" response. She should be begging YOU to forgive her, not saying she needs 24 hours to decide. WTH???

I'm with Mike7 - if she needs 24 hours to decide if she wants to have an affair with a man she "kissed", or stay with her HUSBAND, then my decision would be made. I'm seriously just baffled at her response.

I know she's in the fog, but I'm with the others that said she needs a hard dose of LOSING YOU and her MARRIAGE to knock her off that damn fence. Don't give her the power to make decisions for BOTH of you.

I realize that ending a marriage is not a decision to be made in haste. BUT, she has to VALUE the marriage before you can even begin the hard road to reconciliation.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I've been on SI for a loooooong time. I've never seen a BS "nice" their WS back into the marriage. She needs to feel the real and present threat of LOSING everything for a swift reality check, IMHO.

HUGS to you, IUHoosier. You've been served a shit sandwich and I know you are reeling from the discovery. It's a lot to even wrap your head around, much less, your heart.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2452 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is sticking to the story that they just kissed, which I actually kind of believe after reading the messages between her and her friend. My wife was talking about not know what he looked like naked and wanting to know. One text did say she can't believe the friend slept with the guy, so I don't think they did. But, time will tell I guess.

However, she did tell me that she texted him dirty photos and said she wanted to have sex. So, I think this sh*t bag knows if he comes down, he would get some. We will see if it happens or not. One thing for sure, if she goes, she's not coming back.

I'm sure I'll be freaking out tomorrow waiting for her answer? One last time she can mess with my head.
, but I'm going to try and play it like it is what it is. If she decides to go, I won't show any emotion to her. She's out the door and that's it.

Sounds plausible. Though they make these Canadian guys sound like rock stars or something. What's behind this behavior?

You're way ahead of where most of us were when it comes to calm right after discovery. I know it's killing you, but you're doing the right thing.

Where this goes depends entirely on what your wife does in the next 24 hours. You can't lead her there - you can only react to what she has done and what she will do.

Do you think NC is also required between your wife and this friend of hers? No idea. Infidelity is like a cancer in some ways, and all affected malignant tissue has to be removed. If she's truly remorseful, the thought of another trip with this woman should make her sick inside. But, again, that has to come from her, not you.

Well, here's to hoping it didn't go farther than a kiss and the pictures, and that she is truly horrified with what she has done now that you know about it, and is ready to work on why this happened.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
redsox13
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Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with the others here . The idea that she is going to take time to think about it and in so doing leave her husband in doubt is arrogant, cruel and unacceptable.

What is there to think about ?


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regardless of the outcome, IUHoosier has done the right thing. If she decides her thinking was screwed up and works to find out why, good. If she decides to leave, he's done what he could to attempt to save the marriage. She has a counseling appointment today. It would be very interesting to be the proverbial fly on the wall for that, but since she's screwed up in the head right now she probably needs that appointment before she can decide.

Giving her what to her would,be a long list of mandatory changes right now would be counterproductive as it would make the "leave" decision look like the much easier and more desirable alternative. NC with the Hosers should come first, along with the "no more lies" demand. She'll expect those. The others can wait for her decision.

I hope for IUH's sake that she has a good counsellor and doesn't take advice from gfs who love soap opera drama in others.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:06 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told me that this weekend wasn't set in stone and she wasn't sure if she was really going to do it
What did she mean by IT?

When it comes to talking to a WS, you have to hear what they don't say. They talk in riddles.

You could have gotten very lucky in that you found out before she actually did much.

But now the work starts like the big why. Why is talking to these guys and planning sex with other guys.

Hopefully she will start to understand herself with her therapist.

She said she is going to think about it overnight. Think about what...if she is still going?

So you are back almost to where you were last night, still not knowing if she is going?

Amazing how a WS can drag this crap on and on and on seemingly forever.


Posts: 3788 | Registered: Jun 2002
IUHoosier
♂ Member
Member # 43416
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm in a much better place than yesterday. I can see an end now at least. She is get going on this weekend trip anymore, but she's going to decide if she's ready to end all contact with other guy and other friend. She knows where I stand and it's that or D. I'm fine with giving her the day to decide, but she's going to have to do a lot if we decide to continue.

It sucks she needs to think about this, because we have been together so long. You would think this would be an easy decision and that kills me. But she is obviously Extremly messed up in the head right now. She's the sick one, not me.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she hasn't woken up yet. She doesn't really realize that you are almost ready to D her.

She will try to negotiate. She'll give up the guy, because obviously she has to, but she'll want to keep her friend.

IMO you can't let her keep her friend. her friend is not a friend of the marriage. I'm sure she egged your wife on and condoned the make-out session in Mexico. And btw - that's what it means when a WW says they "kissed." But I'm sure you probably knew that.

hang tough guy. You're doing well.

If she doesn't toe the line, then she really isn't worth your time.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:09 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 541 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schadenfreude
Giving her what to her would,be a long list of mandatory changes right now would be counterproductive as it would make the "leave" decision look like the much easier and more desirable alternative. NC with the Hosers should come first, along with the "no more lies" demand. She'll expect those. The others can wait for her decision.

^^^ THIS ^^^
Take this one step at a time. Her cheater friend has been rationalizing this behavior in your WW's mind for some time. Your WW just assumed you would be hunky-dory about all of this and you just slapped some reality into her. Give her the weekend to pull her head out of her ass, otherwise yes it IS easier for her to say "fuck this" because SHE ALREADY HAS A PLAN TO GO AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND INTO THE ARMS OF A DOUCHEBAG. Just make it very clear to her again, if necessary, of what the consequences will be if she still decides to go.

I'm all for shock and awe, given the situation is where the WS is completely caught off guard and doesn't have immediate alternatives to run away to (forcing them to face reality) because they have already proven they will take the easiest way out by initiating an A in the first place instead of having the tough talk about marriage issues.

Act on what is fact. UI, you know this much as you stated below:

She is sticking to the story that they just kissed, which I actually kind of believe after reading the messages between her and her friend. My wife was talking about not know what he looked like naked and wanting to know. One text did say she can't believe the friend slept with the guy, so I don't think they did.

To me, it doesn't sound like your WW has gone through with intercourse the last trip, but it does sound like she made a decision to do so for this coming trip.

If she decides to stay home for the weekend, then you know she is at least receptive to working on the marriage. You'll have her attention. Go from there.

Red Sox Nation

Where this goes depends entirely on what your wife does in the next 24 hours. You can't lead her there - you can only react to what she has done and what she will do.

I agree as well. Act on fact, and act based on her "actions". For now, formulate what you want to do based on her going and not going. Write down your requirements for her if she chooses to stay. Look at your calendar for next week and see when you can setup with an appointment with an L in case she decides to go. Just make sure to have a plan, and you can avoid a lot of this limbo bullshit that is about to occur.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 443 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's going to decide if she's ready to end all contact with other guy and other friend.

You're right. What is there to think about. Sounds like she's in a serious fog. You have to be careful here. She could be trying to figure out how to keep you and try and take her A and her relationship with her friend underground. Keep letting her know the consequences of her actions if she should decide to not have NC with either of these. I would ask her at what point today can the two of you can start to draft the NC letter. Or if she's not ready for that, then at what point today can you discuss what the living arrangements will look like before the end of the day. Time is ticking and you can put these consequences on her. Keep being proactive and take action!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious has the husband responded to you yet?
I hope she decides to stay in the marriage but if not you saved yourself years of pain and possible STDs.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? She needs time to decide between a guy she kissed in Mexico and her husband of 4 years, partner for 9 years?

I'm with mike7 on this. If there is any, and I mean ANY hesitation, it is time for you to grow a set and make a decision of your own, and she doesn't get to vote.
There are two people in a marriage, no substitutions.
You may help her pack though.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks she needs to think about this, because we have been together so long. You would think this would be an easy decision and that kills me.

I understand this^^^. After 23 years together & 4 kids, it took my WH months to make a decision to stop all contact with OW.


Here is a link that is not in the Healing library that I think would be especially helpful right now, if you have not already seen it:

Calling All BS's by Nomadlady

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

Giving her what to her would,be a long list of mandatory changes right now would be counterproductive as it would make the "leave" decision look like the much easier and more desirable alternative. NC with the Hosers should come first, along with the "no more lies" demand. She'll expect those. The others can wait for her decision.

Agree. If I were you, my immediate demands would be:
1. End all contact with POSOM
2. No more lies
3. Total transparency---I would demand to see all texts, emails, etc. before she deletes them.

(It has been a big stumbing block to my healing that my WH deleted everything----now I just have to take his word about a lot of what happened & as we all know, there's that little problem about trusting them now.)

I'm sure I'll be freaking out tomorrow waiting for her answer?

IUHoosier, instead, today put that energy into writing up a concise list of the rest of your demands for R, in case she decides that way. You don't have to lay them out immediately, but have them ready.

Some of those other demands might include:
1. Get rid of all those who are not friends of the marriage, including girlfriends who went on the Mexico trip
2. IC & MC
3. Her reading some of the Healing library, & some of the great books recommended here
(like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald)
4. Her joining SI

IUHoosier, you are really doing great. I wish I had found SI as early on as you did (I did not find it until 1 1/2 years after Dday. I wish I had done things more like you are @ this time.)
I'm glad you realize that even if she agrees to these things, it does not guarantee R. Even if it is not a dealbreaker for you right now, if she does not prove to you that she is truly remorseful, you may decide at some time in the future that it is.

Sending you strength


P.S. Did you hear from the other BH?

Also, one more warning----she may try to act like she wants to R, & then take the A underground (get a secret phone, make alternate future plans to see the POSOM) so be alert.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IU Hoosier

She is probably not going to tell you the truth tonight. She will tell you she is staying, but there are so many ways to go underground technologically, she can do it unless you have the time and are a tech wizard.
You cannot allow her to come home and tell you she is going to stay living with you and continue with her EA with this guy she is sending pictures of herself naked to. So total transparency is mandatory and should not be negotiable.
What has been the reaction of the other husband. His wife actually banged the guy for sure and he needs to know exactly that so that he will be your partner in stopping this. If he knows and does not care or believe you after what you show him, you have a bigger problem there on that one.
I do not see how you can even contemplate tolerating your wife going anywhere alone with this other girlfriend, and you need to also find out exactly which of the others in their girl group knew about all of this and if any of them were also involved. They are not your friends, NONE of them even if you know them well.
Like others have said, remember YOU are the one that needs to be making demands here, not her.


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