Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wish I Hadn't Asked - opinions please
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, awkward, but... I told my H I wanted to go shopping for new underwear and I asked him what his favourite colour was. He said "baby blue... on you". Then he kind of flinched, changed the subject for about two minutes, before coming back to it again.

So, basically we now know OW wore baby blue underwear for him. Which leaves me in the mind-exploding situation of having to choose:

1. Never wear underwear in his favourite colour, knowing OW did, after he specifically said that is what he wanted.
2. Buy the baby blue, knowing OW was half my age, half my size, and will definitely have looked better in pretty much anything and nothing at all.

Either way, he had the flashback because of what I asked him. Clearly, he didn't want to. CLEARLY, what I do not want is to have him flashback to that when I am standing in front of him in underwear.

I do not want to have a con.ver.sa.tion with him about OW and her underwear, so I can't ask him what to do.

Thoughts from menz and waywards welcome. I just want to please him, without humiliating myself and reminding him of how much I am NOT 21. He already told me (while in the fog) that she was more beautiful than me... though he has since recanted on that (as if you can recant on that). I just hate this so very much.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would not trigger YOU?

Have the two of you ever gone shopping somewhere like VS for underwear together where you can get his opinion on what he would like? And you can both pick something out?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would avoid baby blue. There is just too much *trigger* in that color right now. Do NOT wear a color that is going to make you feel like shit or *less than.*

Figure out what color (OTHER than baby blue) looks *rockin'* on you (either on your own, friend's advice, or *store* expert) and load up on that color. You will feel confident and you will bring the house down. Find lingerie that will allow you to go into an encounter with your WH feeling confident and sexy.......your attitude will most likely set the tone.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I would avoid baby blue. Get some crazy neon colors or go for leopard print. What would YOU be comfortable wearing?


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No baby blue. I'm not a dude, but even those who have favorites when it comes to lingerie...they can forget it pretty quickly when presented with gorgeous alternatives in the flesh.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I just say what a Jackass.

I too agree that Baby Blue is out of the fucking question, and I would also encourage you to tell him that. Nope aint' gonna happen as long as there is breath in my lungs.

Now to resolve the issue; YOU should choose what YOU like, and what feels and looks good to you. When you do that then you can wear them with confidence, and comfort, and honey that is way sexier than wearing something that he said he wants you to wear. Being strong, confident, and self assured is way more sexy than looking for approval.

Personally I went from wearing cotton granny panties to the microfiber boy shorts after dDay. I also bought myself some really pretty, and sexy ones, and I wear them on a regular basis, not just when I want to have sexy fun time. The thing is when you feel sexy, and pretty you exude that no matter what your size is.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote you get whatever makes YOU feel beautiful.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6909 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep.. There would be no baby blue in my drawer either.

I know what it is like to have the younger OW without an ounce of fat and no stretch marks because she is unmarried and has no children.

No way would I ever allow myself to be comparedů.standing there in baby blue underwear. Jerk!

Sometime down the road, if **I** wanted baby blue, then I would buy them, for me. BUT never, ever would I buy them for him, to please him.

Hugs! You are beautiful. Remind yourself.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
BetrayedbyONS
♂ New Member
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with gonnabe2016. Find out what looks good on you other than baby blue.

My wife wears basically black, white or flesh color (to match her skin color) and she rocks them all. She wears sexy underwear every day, not just for special occasions. She has always done this. At first when we were dating many years ago I thought she wore sexy underwear just for me but then when we moved in together I discovered that she did not own any non-sex underwear. I asked her about this and she told me then that she wears them to make herself feel sexy and she had been doing that since she moved out on her own in her late teens.

I have to admit, when she gets undressed and I see her in just her bra and panties it is a real turn-on. It is not just that she is still physically attractive. I think a big key part of it is that SHE feels sexy and exudes the sexy self confidence. She still exudes that sexy self confidence even after giving birth to two children naturally and the resulting changes to her body (i.e. stretch marks, weight gain, slight sagging of her breasts). I attribute part of her sex self confidence to the fact that she wears sexy undergarments every day.


WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5
2 children (1 and 3 years old)

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously it's not the "baby blue" that's the problem, it's the "...on you" part.
On behalf of the male half of the species, I'd like to apologize for us being complete morons at the worse possible times.
Since he "flinched", we can assume he realized what an idiotic thing leaped out of his mouth.


BbONS

I think a big key part of it is that SHE feels sexy and exudes the sexy self confidence. ... I attribute part of her sex self confidence to the fact that she wears sexy undergarments every day.

Would someone explain this to my WW! It is all about attitude. Men aren't looking for perfection, we're looking for willingness to please and a sexy attitude.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 slight alternatives to gonna's great approach:

buy 1) your favorite color or 2) the color you feel best in (could be 2 different colors), whether it looks good on you or not. (Of course, if favorite = feel best = friends say you rock is the same color, that would be ideal, but the key is to please yourself.)

What you did sexually had nothing to do with your H's choosing to cheat, and I think letting him choose the color of your lingerie will have no impact on his doing or not doing his work for R.

Showing him what you like best is doing your H a favor. I mean that seriously.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that baby blue probably would be banned for life in my house.

But, I think this is something you need to talk to him about. It is probably going to suck, but you don't know for sure what his reaction was about. We get into trouble when we try to read minds. So I would suggest telling him you need to talk about what happened, and then hold hands and walk through that mine field together. Gently.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only person who thinks he could have meant that on YOU he likes baby blue - but maybe he preferred another color on HER?

Sorry if I'm dense. Having a bad day.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I went from wearing cotton granny panties to the microfiber boy shorts after dDay. I also bought myself some really pretty, and sexy ones, and I wear them on a regular basis, not just when I want to have sexy fun time. The thing is when you feel sexy, and pretty you exude that no matter what your size is.

I'm a full figured woman but I did the same as above (except I replaced high cut briefs with lacy thongs! I chose what colors look the best on me, and it makes WH wild! He loves them all because they're on me! Choose what colors/styles YOU like! Avoid baby blue like the plague!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42 (MisterBC)
D-Day #1: 2/16/14
D-Day #2: 11/20/14 (discovered lies he's told during false R)
TT and 9 months of False R
Married 12 years, Together 16 years
2 -DDs ages 11 & 13 1/2

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
LifeIsTooWeird
♀ Member
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went on a panty shopping spree too, not for him, for myself. I bought all sorts of colors and patterns and even though they don't sell them as matching sets anymore, if you find a bottom or top that catches you eye, get it and be one the lookout for a match next time around. I went with lacy, silky, panties in low rise, and boy short styles. Comfortable push up bras to accentuate the girls. I also got 2 packages of cottons for that week :).

[This message edited by LifeIsTooWeird at 10:53 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most men always love red and or black. Baby -blue would be out for me I think. Just get a sexy black bra and panties, or red, and knock him out.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it was me I would go get some baby blue stuff, surprise him with it, give him a night to remember and then toss it.

Eventually the good memories that you make with him will crowd out and diminish his other memories. It takes time though...unless he is unwilling to let them go. That's on him, not you. Don't do that to yourself.

FOG talk is so painful and just unreliable. She might have had a pretty shell but underneath it is just rotten, and that's not something that baby blue can cover up.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fall on the side of thinking that baby blue should be retired permanently. I hate the idea of comparisons.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I find the leopard prints pretty exciting, wild and sexy. That and basic black.

Completely agree with the advice about wearing what YOU like and what makes YOU feel good though. I think feeling good about yourself is an attitude that's contagious, and good things can happen.

[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 12:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it from a male MH who is over 30 years out from my W's A, and almost that far from mine.

There is nothing in the world that looks as good as a trigger feels bad. Even this far out. Baby Blue is over for you, possibly for life.

Waywards say so much stupid stuff there's a recurring thread on SI devoted to the topic. Possibly because when they get triggered, their brain stops working for a little while. We have to learn to forgive them. It ain't easy but it can be done.

And last, my loving W went to being a WW in a few memorable seconds, and then to a FWW over a long period of time, and now graduated back to my W. She was in her 20's when this all started, her 60's now, but through it all I never stopped thinking she was beautiful.

Not the same kind of beautiful, but hey, I lost some hair and put on some pounds and aren't the same kind of handsome I used to be either.

You'll do just fine, in any color undies but baby blue.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
bytheboard
♀ Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a lot of good advice here... I agree with so much and not a lot to add... But I wanted to send some love and support your way. I am sorry for the pain that comes with that trigger and I really hope you can do some shopping that makes YOU happy!!


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.