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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wish I Hadn't Asked - opinions please
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. No baby blue.

I know I need to work on my self-confidence, and stop looking for "approval" from him. I know what I feel good in, and he always says he just wants me to feel good about myself. That would be so much easier, maybe, if his A tastes had leaned towards 40 somethings with stretch marks.

Since he stopped watching porn, his sex drive is way down and he doesn't objectify me the same way. He doesn't act entitled, or like he's the star of the show who must be pleased. I think we're both trying to figure out what is "safe" and exciting in the bedroom. I guess after 19 years of being on the receiving end of that porn induced sex drive, I don't really know how to figure out what he likes or what is sexy for either of us now.

We had a fabulous sex life before... now I am realizing how much of that was driven by his own fantasy life. Now that it's "just me", it's not on his mind 24/7. Not sure how I feel about that. Hard on the self-esteem, to say the least.

Thank you all for your input. It helps a lot.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never would have guessed that there would be so many opinions on this subject. Being a man is easy -- just make sure they are clean--since nobody much cares what my undies look like. And they are all white cotton, too

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plain, I highly recommend the book The Passionate Marriage. It is not just a sex book. It goes into great (painstaking) detail about enmeshment and differentiation. For a couple who is trying to find out what works for them, there is some really interesting information.

(warning: it's a bit of intellectual cardboard, reading-wise, but worth the effort)

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 23
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