I hear you. I’m the same way. It is rare that I raise my voice or get angry and when I do it doesn’t last long and I’m always conscious of what I’m saying – being careful, measuring my words.
..until I hit that anger stage. Sometimes it was like watching myself in a movie, even as it was happening I was saying to myself – who is this person?
For me, part of that was I really believe that I had anger that had built up over the years. I don’t like to fight, I was always the peacemaker in the marriage. Always the one to apologize first even if it was clear that I shouldn’t be – but I wanted peace..at all costs.
Essentially, years of bottled up emotions came out after DDay. I was a raving lunatic. I called him names, said words I didn’t even that I knew. OH my…I was awful. Like you, I’d feel bad afterwards ..I literally was carrying on like even I couldn’t believe and like you, I’d end up crying to him.
It really wasn’t I wanted – I knew we couldn’t work things out unless I could get control of myself. The only advice I can give you is that when I would feel that well of anger start to boil I would take a few seconds to tell myself “don’t do this…speak calmly, do your best” ..or something similar to that – take 10 seconds, take a deep breath – you control you – and you can control that anger.
Did it always work? NO – it took time but one thing I really learned is that when I was screaming, saying vile things to him – he really wasn’t hearing a word I said – it was when I could calmly talk to him - that’s when he really “heard” me.
Don’t be too hard on yourself – these emotions have to come out – and I really believe that for years *I* didn’t deal my emotions – and that’s when 30 yrs of anger came spewing out.
If your husband is helping you with this – as mine was – it will get better.