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User Topic: Are these mutually exclusive? I feel sick.
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have every right to feel threatened by that statement. He is making an excuse for WHEN not if you find her name in his search history or whatever. Then he will want a cookie because he was "honest" and warned you beforehand.

I think you are right and your IC is wrong in her opinion about you giving OW too much headspace. Like any of us choose that. When a WH is basically saying you might as well watch out for more contact or at the very least, attention paid to OW in the form of "looking her up", obviously you are going to be vigilant about OW. Just what is your IC recommendation for skipping along in your day with no thought of OW in a situation like this?


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a similar reaction as suckstobeme. I saw his words as a veiled threat. I'm sorry but these are not the words of a truly remorseful person. "I'm all in baby, really...but, uh, if you make this too difficult or leave me, then I'll go back to the OW who helped me stab you in the heart and blow up your world. Just sayin."


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 85 | Registered: Oct 2013
AmberDust
♀ Member
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he in recovery? What active steps is he taking to keep himself accountable?

I am not sure there are any. He went to IC- I think he has more "work" to do.
Can you give me examples of this?
He said he has learned that he needs to resolve any issues he has with me, not with any OW. That's as far as it goes, at this moment. But then, we haven't been in MC either so this never really came up anymore. But as I said, IC said we need to focus on strengthening our M so there won't even be any need for him to look for outside validation, because then he will feel validated by me.

I have asked him to go see an IC for himself, again, to figure out why he is telling me this crap. He said yes. So that is a good thing in itself.

"...but, uh, if you make this too difficult or leave me, then I'll go back to the OW who helped me stab you in the heart and blow up your world. Just sayin."

That's it exactly!
What kind of signal is that to our daughter and son? Being a no-morals selfish stab-in-the-back OW is ok after all, and all the hurt I put our family through- oh well... who cares"?

[This message edited by AmberDust at 10:24 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are right.. your WH is not totally out of the fog BUT the statement he made is simply fog talk.. Yes, I agree it's 100% wrong & I would have a hard time with the statement as it appears he isn't totally over OW. but if he hasn't acted on it then I would just be hyper vigilant in watching him & if he does break NC in any little way.. then you do something about it.

When my WH was deep in the fog I can't tell you how many times he told me that he had strong feelings for OW, strong feelings that wouldn't go away ( his words were NEVER) .. it hurt like hell to hear that.. especially when he did break NC ( once) & went to meet her , the pull was just that strong..

BUT once he came out of the fog & committed to the M he had many chances to break NC (co workers trying to get him to talk to OW, OW fishing etc) he NEVER broke NC & made sure I was aware of all of these fishing attempts..


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4787 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
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