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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many BS's remorse came with an accusation?
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is more of a rant for me....sorry

Every time my WH would have any display of ??remorse?? he would also have to add "But you have to accept part of the blame too"

I didn't initiate sex enough according to him ( I had childhood molestation issues and this may be true enough)At one time he said he thought I was cheating on him and that is why he left me for over a year......(I was finally going for counselling for the CM issues)

I also didn't appreciate him enough.

This was his reasons why he cheated.

I guess this is why his remorse didn't really seem like remorse to me??!!

[This message edited by deena at 1:21 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's placing blame on you, then it isn't remorse. FTG


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep! I got the same.I was also told that I never accepted my part of the blame. I payed too much attention to my dd and didn't feed his narcisstic ego.The ow filled his emotional needs...that's why after 8 months he begged me to take him back! FTG!

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's in the handbook girl.

I did all of those too (and all the other ones those idiots come up with), including having child molestation issues, which I've been in counseling for on and off since I was 15 and realized what happened to me.

I'm so sick of them blaming their affairs on this kind of crap. All those accusations are reasons to LEAVE ME or TAKE ME TO COUNSELING or DISCUSS THE ISSUES WITH ME.

No fucking way was the answer to LIE TO MY FACE and do whatever the fuck you wanted, screwing whoever you wanted, treating me like crap cause you were focused on your sidepieces.

A-holes...


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love blame shifting.

I do acknowledge that I was not the perfect partner before the A, but it did not warrant my WW to seek comfort in the arms of her AP. I would say that my STBXWW would at least say that I didn't deserve what she did and that she was not blaming me for what she had done. She just got to a point where she, "was too far gone from us." At least she acknowledged that she was being selfish too and said that she might be making the biggest mistake in her life, but it is what she wanted. Time will tell. I know I am becoming happy again. I will continue to grow without her.


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 628 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admitted I wasn't perfect. Who is?!

But then that is when you talk.

Divorce is now coming because any love I ever had left after D-Day slowly died without the true remorse. Now there is nothing left to even save if he wanted to.

True remorse. There should be a class in it for BS's. Let them know they have to be able to fully feel it themselves to be able to have it come across as somewhat believable.

But I guess selfish people can't feel true remorse.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got blamed, too, but 99% of it was ungrateful nonsense.

The one area where I did take some responsibility was on our sex life. We had sex pretty regularly and it was fine, but it was never great. From the beginning, we never really totally clicked in that department-- but it wasn't so bad that I wasn't willing to get married to him. I just wasn't completely attracted to him... and I think he knew it. We were more like best friends or brother and sister in some ways. But it was something that we had been working on and, ironically, at the time we split up I was probably the most attracted to him I had been in our relationship (figures).

So I did admit to him that it was something we should have paid more attention to and something we probably should have tried to fix earlier. But, on the other hand, he never told me we were at such a point of crisis that he was contemplating an A. Had he done that, I would have gone to counseling with him and tried to work it out and would have actually been willing to contemplate options like an open M or a S/D.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out that way and that maturely, obviously.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup -

I've gotten the "I don't deserve what he has done to me. I'm a great person, loving mom, pretty, smart. That he has most of the issues."

He got to a point that he had to figure out why he did the things he did - comes down to "I'm just a good friend. It's something in his core that is missing with me. And that no matter what changes I make, history has shown that it would never be 'enough' to make him happy as a married person should be." Nice. So in the 'you are good', I still hear the 'but you were not doing the right things'. Plus he adds that he was not being himself, pretending - he's showing me how glad he is to be 20 again - humph.

And I constantly get reminded that this is not because of the A, this is because of the marriage breakdown that is on BOTH of us.

I like what was said above -

LEAVE ME or TAKE ME TO COUNSELING or DISCUSS THE ISSUES WITH ME.
No where does bringing OP into the equation is a way to solve the issues. It just made him run away faster...

[This message edited by Acer0112 at 3:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 177 | Registered: Apr 2014
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take 50% for marital challenges that led to discord. I take ZERO% responsibility for his choice to have multiple affairs.
He said he "had to cheat" and couldn't divorce me because he "would feel bad" wtf but having sex with someone else while married is ok and nothing to "feel bad" about? he still tries this line years later, to anyone who will listen. POS loser.

Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was his reasons why he cheated.

Yep - in the Cheaters Handbook.

He cheated because I didn't cook or drive with... wait for it.... a woman who didn't cook or drive. I'm sure some of the other OW did cook and drive but DDOW did not. When he told me one of our M issues were because I didn't cook or drive I immediately asked if DDOW (the only one he confessed to) cooked or drove. He said no. I laughed out loud in his face.

Unresolvable issues in an M are grounds to break up and divorce. Not to cheat. There are never any grounds to cheat.

It is this inability to accept that they didn't cheat due to external forces (us, the APs) is what makes us feel inherently unsafe.

I was in the same M and far less satisfied than him in every single way. I did not cheat.

People do successfully R under the most difficult circumstances. LTAs, OCs, SA, multiple APs, AP being friends or family. True Remorse does not blameshift one iota. I do believe M issues and betrayal itself can trigger toxic reactions in cheaters but the core reasons for reverting to cheating lies within the cheater. Until that is addressed they are still and will forever remain cheaters.

Even if they do manage to white knuckle it for a few years either with the BS or their new victim. That is where the adage 'once a cheater always a cheater' rings true.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5413 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No there are never any good grounds to cheat.

Did I mention my WH says it was not an affair he had!

So I asked him what he called it when he has sex with someone for several months while he is married.
Roll of the eyes and no answer to that one. I still don't know what he had then.
And that is the only one that he admits to.
Very personal emails I found with one secretary in his words was nothing wrong. Emails about meeting for lunch nothing wrong...hmmmm. And no I can't prove anything more than that. Even tho that was during the time when there where many late nights (2-3am) and not coming home at times.

Sorry for the rant


Sigh.......I am not going to survive this in house separation for too long am I?


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. About 2 days after she confessed at MC, WW said to me: "Remember this was all your fault."


BS-59 (me)
WS-48
DD-25, DS-20, DS-19

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2014
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah for the final round it has been all my fault. I'm a control freak....the control thing became an issue when breaking boundaries were called out...all of a sudden all the healthy boundaries that he agreed to and that his SA group required became control issues. Aka...he was lying, chatting with a known whore who wanted him and I called him out on it.

All of a sudden I never forgave him, I was controlling, I never respected him, never did a lot of things that less than a year before I was the best woman who walked the earth and he was so blessed that I gave him another chance.

I am far from perfect and yes, I brought my share of issues but I was in it for good and was willing to hang in and get help to work through it all. My issues didn't make me quit on us or our family and they certainly didn't give me justification to cheat even with being cheated on repeatedly.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - another chapter in the Cheaters Handbook. Gaslighting. I got quite good at gaslighting myself too. Gaslighting, Blameshifting and Rugsweeping all go hand in hand for lying, cheating, cake eating motherfuckers.

They will always try to make you feel crazy even in the face of irrefutable fact. Some even deny when caught in flagrante.

You don't need to convince him of anything. You already know what you need to know. Whether or not you're ready to accept it the truth is there and cannot be ignored.

You cannot make sense of the nonsensical. Trying to do so will make you crazy.

How long is in house-hell for? You need to stop talking to him full stop. Just refuse to engage. Don't even give him an opportunity to mindfuck you. Remove all of his crap from the bedroom and get a lock on the inside of your bedroom door.

[This message edited by SBB at 11:20 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5413 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB
I am ashamed to admit ....I am sleeping in the spare room, single,hard bed

I just wanted away from him and once I told the kids I didn't have to pretend anymore.

I have just finished all my paper work for the lawyer(I hope) and I am now just waiting for them to get all of their checking finished so I can sign the paper allowing them to serve him.

Then maybe once the (true) financials are agreed upon we can get things started with separate places.

I think it is driving me crazy .....I am on SI pestering with posts more and more.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
hopelesslydvoted
♀ New Member
Member # 42573
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got blamed for not having a full time job. (we moved around for his career, mine takes moving too yet I chose to move where he needed to be)

If I just gave him a little more than all the money I had given him, this wouldn't have happened.

(What because then he wouldn't feel the pinch from the other bullsh*t he was spending the money on like first, shopping sprees and when that didn't fill the void; burner phones and date nights with other people)

I'm in school now, I saved my money up after d-day and decided to make a change for me. I just need to stay focused since R was just discovered False.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cripes about the money!!!!!

I just got treated lowly because I didn't bring in any money so I wasn't important enough to be treated with respect.

I am just getting crankier with frustration!!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't they all? It is how they justify their choices. There was always a "but" attached to any "remorseful" statement...just like a young child, which I think that is where they are stuck developmentally hence the "but" statements.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't initiate sex enough according to him ( I had childhood molestation issues and this may be true enough)At one time he said he thought I was cheating on him and that is why he left me for over a year......(I was finally going for counselling for the CM issues)

That is just absolutely charming of him to blame you for his crappy choices.

This is not remorse, real remorse comes with full responsibility of ones choices, and actions.

My H would have gotten a good swift kick to the Jimmies if he said anything like that after Dday.

That is not remorse, do not accept that as remorse. That is just fucked up NPD thinking. Normal people don't think like that, and certainly don't say shit like that.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 19

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