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Newest Member: datehimhatehim (45059)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 5+ yrs out. Why is he still triggering?
LostinNH
♀ New Member
Member # 43424
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been through very tough challenges the last several months and come through stronger, together. But now he is "triggering" and I am having trouble understanding what's going on. How can I help?


Shouldn't running in a circle bring you back to the beginning where you started?

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the anniversary of your D-day approaching?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197932 | Registered: May 2002
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The human mind is an enormously complex machine.

I ask the same question every time I trigger or every time a random thought pops into my head or a really weird dream occurs.

My IC said "You can control what you want to think about, but you can't control what you think about. You can't control HOW your mind processes information".

I believe in this wholeheartedly - and consider this: This world, especially in this day and age, is HARD-WIRED for everything sex. I didn't read whether his infidelity was E or P, but either way, imagine all the cues that occur in daily life that "remind" you of sex.

Even if you don't think of it, your subconscious has a way of connecting things - even if you don't like it.

A sight, a smell, a sound, anything can trigger memories, and as much as we would like, there is no way to remove certain memories and leave others. The memory of infidelity will ALWAYS be there.

IMO, triggering, although painful, can be beneficial. Even though it kills me to recall what I did, it also helps keep me in check. Lots of people say "I know I'll never cheat again" but they do. I say it, because no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER get the sight, sound, and feel of my wife crying over this out of my head. I will NEVER be able to look at a woman again without thinking of my wife - and, again, IMO, that's a good thing.

I know it's tough - and it's tough for your H too, but if you made it this far - you can make it through the triggers.

Sending you strength!!


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am guessing he has a very good memory. It could be a song, those are bad for me. Especially if it he heard a song that possibly he hadn't heard in 5 years.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jun 2002
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I trigger randomly, BOOM, right out of the blue. It's a trauma thing. Time helps, but will it ever totally go away? I don't think so.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6489 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5+ years seems like a long time to be struggling. It is just outside what is often considered the maximum healing timeline, 5 years.

Has the affair been dealt with head-on, or did the two of you move past it quickly and sweep it under the rug? Also, have you gone to marriage counseling (MC) and has he had any individual counseling (IC)?

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 7:32 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1404 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can trigger for so many reasons and at so many times. Just because 5 years or more is gone doesn't mean it won't trigger him anymore. Be there and comfort and be ready to answer questions and do what you need to do to help. I hope it gets better.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 997 | Registered: Dec 2013
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My simplistic definition of a trigger is anytime a person runs into a strong feeling unexpectedly they haven't yet thought through/processed. It can be something old or new. Triggers late in my recovery were often about myself, something I did foolish, out of character, something that scared me, or something I found myself wrong about. I recommend keeping yourself available for talking.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you why - but I am just short of 5 years out. I can tell you in the last 6 months I have been triggering increasingly.

I can't tell you why - I think because when we reconciled I never dealt with my feelings of betrayal and abandonment. I am now in a calmer place than I have been in a while, and I think because of that I am having to face what happened.

I wish you luck - I am going through the same thing.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the triggers are going to be with us forever. How we deal with them is the indicator of how healed we are. Is he really in pain or just distant? I recently got hit with some really bad triggers because I was thinking of my dad. My FWW's affair really ramped up when he was dying of cancer 5 years ago. I still have very strong emotions around that time. Anyway, I also think it is a measure of how deep his love for you goes.


Me 52(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-24,22,18,15
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
LostinNH
♀ New Member
Member # 43424
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the insight and responses. We did try marriage counseling and he is seeking individual counseling currently. I just want the pain to ease up for him and I realize what I did will forever be a part of our lives, sadly. I'm trying to be loving, supportive and understanding. But I have not been on his side of the equation so getting feedback and answers here is helpful and much appreciated.


Shouldn't running in a circle bring you back to the beginning where you started?

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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