Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: chachapoppyseed (45751)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS obsessed with AP - help please
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a year since the last D-day, two since the first d-Day. Two years of my life I have been thinking about this woman every single day. I don't "blame" her, I hold my WH 100% responsible. But I feel like this person impacted my life and my marriage and I don't know how to have closure on it. She had his baby. We are NC, and she has not tried to change that.

I think about her every day. I creep her FB. I know more about her and her life than my WH ever did. I feel like I actually need to break up with her... how messed up is that? I know, I know, stop creeping her. Stop feeding it. I know. But HOW???

I feel like I have turned OCD over this. I need help. How do I let her go? How do I stop letting her be in my head and my marriage? How do I stop giving power to a ghost? The A wasn't even about her, she wasn't anything at all, so why the fixation?

I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor, I could file her away. But I feel like I have to keep myself prepared so I am not blind-sided again.

I really need help. :(


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, plainpain.

I can relate in a way, as the OM is the biological father of my son.

I did end up blocking him, his family, and his friends from facebook. He has another couple of web sites he is on because of the band he is in, so I've just mentally made a pact with myself not to look at those sites. Between the blocking and that self-pact, that has helped a bit with the online obsession.

As far as stopping giving her power... one thing I've found helpful is to allow myself to feel the feelings of rage and anger that I feel towards OM. Eventually, just facing those feelings head on, those feelings do start to lose their power. I start to lose interest in those feelings.

I also have made a conscious decision to never forgive him (he was a supposed friend of mine, so this is where that comes in to play). Making that decision has allowed me to let go a bit more.

All of that, and just trying to concentrate on things that are worth my time and mentally energy way more than OM.

Given all of that, I still have my days, and can most definitely relate.

Sending you ((hugs)), peace, and strength.


Posts: 8017 | Registered: Dec 2010
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really have no idea why I'm responding to you, because I have no concrete answers. I can only say that I get it. I went through that. I did the same thing, to the point that I thought I had a 'problem'. My WH screwed a prostitute. I spent endless hours researching creepy websites. Found her ads. All of them. Found her pictures, read her website, found her 'porn' videos, read her reviews.....over and over and over. It became crazy. And I never, not for a minute, 'blamed' her....I always saw her more as the drug dealer to a habit I didn't know he had. His fault 100%. But it was such a shock. Such an unknown to me, and it took a while. So I guess what I want to say to you is that it's almost gone. I'm almost free. I spend maybe 1 hr a week trolling, looking, creeping. There's no more mystery to me, and perhaps that will happen to you too. It just finally, after over-exposure to this disgusting and debased individual, it doesn't draw me in anymore. There's nothing left to find out. Maybe it will just play itself out with you, as it did with me. I hope so for you.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 529 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((plainpain))

I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor,

I'm five years out, the ow for me; a total stranger he met at a bar had a long distance 12 month EA and was able to sneak away for 3 days of PA. No baby involved in my case, but I obsess like crazy too, yes even after all this time. I think it's about us looking for the "why", why her. What did she have that made him almost throw away everything...why her...why was she worth causing me the greatest hurt in my life and making me carry this burden for the rest of my life. I think I look sometimes searching for the one moment when I will get it...I will see what he saw or get what he got that allowed him to do such a terrible thing. But, five years later and it's still the same..it was never about her--she could have been anyone that night at the vacant bar stool. In your case, you have a something I can't imagine dealing with on top of the carnage. A baby. I can't fathom the pain that goes with that in addition to the already horrific pain of the affair itself. Don't beat yourself up for obsessing...you have so much on your plate. Do either of you have to have any contact at all because of the baby..or is total NC? If you are total NC maybe it's just natural curiosity about that baby and what her life is like now--maybe looking for proof of the misery or mess of a person that she has to be? That's what I think I look for when I'm obsessing--validation--I want and need validation that she truly is as horrible as I think she is--or at least what my mind tells me she is. Just throwing ideas out. Hugs and I'm sorry I know it hurts.

[This message edited by LoveActually at 9:49 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2011
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did/does your WH know about the obsession? I think that's what I hate mostly - I hide it from him. I steal time from my children for it. I feel like a WS. We have a "no secrets" policy, and I am not honouring it. I have tried to talk to him about it, but I feel like it disgusts him, and I actually feel a great deal of shame over it. He does not want her in our life, our marriage, our future. I say to myself, "Well, you put her there".

I am being selfish. I am giving brain space to her, at the cost of transparency with my WH. I hear myself saying, "Well, I would have told you but I knew you would be mad." Wayward thinking.

Justifying. Blame shifting. Secrecy.

I hate her, I don't want to think about her... but I don't know how to stop. I feel like she must be a witch of some kind.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LoveActually, we have zero contact. We emailed around her due date so we could give her contact info to order paternity test, etc, but received crickets from her. Definitely I want to see that she is miserable. I want to see that her baby is ugly, that she has no friends, that she got some weird flesh eating disease, that she is a bad mother. But I also want to see that the baby is safe, that it is loved, that she has support, that my childrens' sibling is not in a desperate life. It's so mixed and muddled.

I hate that I am looking at OW to find validation. That is too ironic for words.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would highly recommend trying EMDR therapy. It helped me immensely in not obsessing about the OW. Still occasionally check up on them, but not like I used to and my views on them now are more realistic and I dont think about them much if at all. It may not work for everyone but it worked for me on this specific issue.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((plainpain))))) My arms are hugging you really really tight!!!

I want to see that she is miserable

You all know how much I HATE "it". I came to realize that my obsessive stalking through cyber space was a defense mechanism. It was my way of trying to control the situation. New pictures pictures on social media would let me know if the A was on again. If it had a new man, a terminal illness or was dead, then I was safe. I just wanted to be safe in my M. My recovery began by closing my social network accounts.

But I also want to see that the baby is safe, that it is loved, that she has support, that my childrens' sibling is not in a desperate life
.

Has paternity been established? Are you hoping to see something in the pictures that will establish that this is NOT an OC? Let's hope so.

It's so mixed and muddled
.

Yes it is. In other words "A hot mess".

I hate that I am looking at OW to find validation. That is too ironic for words
.

You seem to be trying to make sense of it all.

BTW, my H, my family and some of my close friends, would have had me committed if they knew all that I had done in order to get intel on "it". It is not necessary for me to share that with my H. I did share it in therapies.

No, I take that back. It knew everything about me and wagged war against me. It launched a nasty campaign against me. I was under attack in a war that I was unaware of.

I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor, I could file her away. But I feel like I have to keep myself prepared so I am not blind-sided again

Healing is a process. When you are strong enough, you will put her in her proper place.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No my husband doesn't know. Just like you said, I feel a lot of shame connected with the obsession too. Everyone seems to have moved on but me. I have thought about seeking help. I get so angry still that he and his actions put this person in my head for what could be a lifetime. I bring it up from time to time-he is always so sad and apologetic - I know how sorry he is but it still won't erase it from my mind - sucks.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it that you really truly cannot stop or is that you really truly do not want to stop? One usually acts as a veil for the other.

(((plainpain)))


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6028 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to feel shame about this - most of us have been there. I've certainly spent my fair share of time playing PI on the AP, but there wasn't an OC involved here and I can't fathom how that would feel.

The one thing you do have control over is looking her up online. It's addictive for sure.

I think about her every day. I creep her FB.

Here's how the cycle goes: Creep FB. Think about her more. Creep FB more. Think about her EVEN more. Creep FB EVEN more. Think about her ALL the damn time.

The FB has to go. It sounds scary in theory, but once you unplug I promise you will feel some relief right away. Come up with a contingency plan. When you feel like looking her up on FB, go to your room and read a chapter out of your favorite book. Or take a walk. Or a bath. Or go shopping. Do something where that brainspace is dedicated to you and you alone.

It's a long process, but if you force yourself out of it you will find that letting her go will become more and more natural.

((plainpain)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18350 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need to stop, and I'm not stopping - can't or won't? I can, but I won't. Pain shopping. Knowledge is power. Looking for a shred of hope OC is not my H's. Pick it, it's probably true. I want "closure", but I can't imagine what that would look like. We just moved, you know? We left it all behind. My H doesn't need closure.. he just dropped her like a hot potato. I feel like he had a year to process it before I ever knew about it. I'm playing catch up. It's so gross. I don't know what the pay off is for me - I never feel better after seeing a new pic of her. I just think, wow, she's so NOTHING.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jrazz. I know you're right. I'll keep trying.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((plainpain))

I used to spend hours creeping OW's children's Facebook pages, drive and park by her house. It affected my moods, my mental space and my time with my kids. You have taken the first step in recognizing that it is a problem and have the desire to address it.

Jrazz has great suggestions (as always). Take it one hour, one morning, one afternoon at a time. It takes time to break a habit and this is what it has become. Find other things to fill your mind, something enjoyable and meaningful to you. Read books, start a home renovation project such as painting or gardening~anything that keeps your mind and your hands occupied.

Finally, do you think it is the uncertainty as to whether OC is actually your husband's offspring? Do you have an outlet for these feelings? Would writing letters to the OC help you express your thoughts? Express how you are concerned about his life, your hope that he is cared for. Don't send the letters, but keep them in a box. If you are in IC, this might be worth bringing up.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PlainPain,

I have been guilty of the same thing. In my case, OW was an OEA, a long ago flame that sought out my H via sociall media under the guise of renewing 'friendshiip' but escalated behaviors until my H finally got it through his thick head something was off and stopped responding. He was too polite to block her though, so she continued to fish until I got involved and ran her off with threats and the means to blow up her comfortable life.

He essentiallly forgot about her when he decided to stop responding, but I obsessed about her and cyber~stalked her for quite awhile. And, like you and others have said, I now know WAY more about her than my H ever did. Part of my reasoning was to give me additional ammunition/contacts should she ever break NC. Part of it was trying to understand her motivations, I think. And part of it may have been because she asked nosy questions about me that were none of her business. (Fortunately, I could tell from the correspondence my H dodged the NOYB questions, much to her frustration.)

But I know/knew it wasn't healthy. My IC knew it wasn't healthy. OW is blocked now, but I've been through block/unblock cycles in the past. Good new is the blocked cycles are lasting longer. I really hope for your sake that OW stays in the past and doesn't contact. But I DO understand your obsession, especially with an OC in the mix.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((PP)))

I think a big part of your issue is there is so much unkown. You assume this baby is your spouses, but still have no real closure on it. She has made it obvious that she wants nothing to do with him. I would accept that as he probably isn't the father, after all why wouldn't she want CS? That makes no sense.

I too healed and 5 years out occasionally wonder what has happened to this homewrecking monster that flipped my world upside down. In fact I googled her the other day. Yup. Sure did. I allowed myself to waller in it for a full 15 minutes. Then I put it away.
It's a struggle for me because I never met her, or saw her in real life. Just pictures on my H's computer, and what I find on the internet. She lives in a different city, and she is like the mystical creature to me. Just like a rainbow farting unicorn, I tend to make her more than what she is.

I assume that she has had no major wake up calls, and her life has not changed, and she has probably continued to prey on men that are contemplating divorce as only a divorce attorney could. But I also know that My H chose me, he chose to accept the pain he caused, and he worked his ass off to figure out his why's and to heal himself. 99% of the time that is more than enough for me.

I would suggest that you really start to limit your exposure and head space with her.
Give yourself a reward system, and stick to it. Block her on social media. Don't peak for a day. When you can do that without struggling then build up to two days, then three. And each time you succeed you do something nice for you, and you alone. This is your war to fight. This is your ill to cure. Your rewards should be just for you.

Lastly, there are AD's that help with OCD behaviors, and it may just be part of the chemical changes you have undergone from the stress of your life in the past year that have made you compulsive about this. If so, consider talking to your Dr, or seeing a Psych and discussing trying some meds. It may just be that you need something to reset the chemical clock so to speak.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guilty! Yep, me too. I used to much more but it's back again. Not as bad but back. I wish I could just forget him forever. He was my friend. I just want to ask him "WHY?". Knowing that my question would never be satisfied and plus, it's been 1.5yrs since the last broken NC. It would only re-open a scar.

So forever I'm left wondering. Wondering what my wife saw in him. Wondering why he went for it despite. Wondering what the hell they were thinking in their heads because BOTH are married.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plainpain - I wish I had some advise to help but I don't as I struggle with this too.

I actually find myself jealous that you have a FB to creep over. I have nothing on the OM that my WW had an LTA with - I don't even know what he looks like. But yet I still find myself obsessed.

I think this is somewhat normal for a BS but I don't know what to say to stop it or lesson it.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea Geez in your case I'd ask for more info. This guy in your mind could be larger than life itself. You may see that if you do meet him he's less threatening than you thought and my dilute your fixation.

I went to see OM one day (even though I've known him for years). In my mind I had re-created him after the A as the most threatening person in the world. When I saw him, I was amazed of how regular and non-threatening he was. How he was just joe-shmow. Almost stupid that my FWW had an A with him.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW was a friend, and I still see her in passing weekly or biweekly. So, it is hard to completely forget about her. Also, she seems determined to foster friendships with mutual friends that she knew only tangentially before. She is an attention-whore, along with the other kind as well.

I have blocked her on fb, and have had strong urges to check lately, as it is affair season, and knowing her, she is not capable of not posting something maudlin or sappy about "love." I have stayed strong -- trying to keep it that way. It is hard though.

I think the thing is, that we think there is some meaning in who they chose, when there really isn't. If you are an alcoholic, it is like the difference between whiskey and scotch -- there are subtle shades of difference, but all the waywards are after is the high. The APs were available, and willing. They were nothing special, except the fact they were broken enough to do it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:36 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.