I am sorry for the pain and struggle you are experiencing. I experienced obsessive tendencies too.
Adultery to a BS's is traumatic. PTSD and PTSD-like symptoms are a very real thing. I was tested for PTSD but only had PTSD-like symptoms....obsessive thoughts are one of them.
You keep replaying the event in an attempt to process through it...but you can get stuck there for a bit. Are you in IC? If not, I would strongly recommend this.
Do you have RL female friends? It also helps me to fellowship with male friends about what I am feeling. None of my friends, thankfully, have experienced adultery in their M...but just expressing my feelings helps take some of the power away from them.
Feelings are indicators....not dictators. Don't treat them as such. WS's did....and you know the results of that decision.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but I feel like it disgusts him, and I actually feel a great deal of shame over it. He does not want her in our life, our marriage, our future. I say to myself, "Well, you put her there".
Couple things here....
first, I did this. I felt like I was putting my wife in "undo" pain by bringing up her affair. Codependency sucks...and that is why I initially refrained from talking with my wife about her A. VERY UNHEALTHY. Codependent No More....was a book that helped me understand myself. Once I did I used the techniques in the book to break myself of that cycle.
Second, shame is someone elses sin pushed over/thrust onto you. I get it....as a "man" I felt shame my wife sought out another bull to satisify her. Shame of that plus my codependent tendencies very easily allowed me to accept more pain after each of my DD's. Shame will fade....but it fades faster when you expose the sin that has occurred. Not talking about facebooking "My husband is an ass and f'ed so and so".....am talking about leaning on a select group of people who are relationship friendly. Shame LOVES the dark....put some light on it and watch it shrivel and die.
Third, I pray your husband will find a copy and read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I pray he finds the courage to finish his statement with "don't want her in our M.....I am sorry I chose adultery and invited her in in the first place. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you."
Tips to do;
--focus on the present. A is no longer being chosen by your husband.
--realize your husbands affair did not kill you. Abandonment fears have been a part of me since age 12. Adultery is among the strongest abandonment a person can chose....and I SURVIVED it!!! This is "worst case scenario"....and I made it through it!!!
--appreciate your growth...such as the empathy you mentioned you now have for others. There are parts of you that are being awakened that you never knew you had.
--reach out.....in prayer, reading, RL fellowship, posting on SI. This is too big for any one person to handle. You may have, like I have, spent a lifetime of doing it alone. Take a chance and reach out!
--make it a goal to become better not bitter.
--Healing is a Choice. Steve Arterburn. Get it and read it. It will empower you by bringing truth to the choices you have. Your pain will temporarily blind you to the many choices you have.
I will say a specific prayer for you now and will add you to my SI specific prayer list.
22 months out....past the obsessive thinking phase. But I still remember how aggressively I engaged the fAP. Like another poster mentioned....my mind built him up to "something special". The night I met him on his front porch I found a very different creature. I found a double-chinned, pudgy, terrified man.
Once I saw him in the true light he belonged in, my pain level stayed the same but morphed. I NOW had the thought "THIS is what my wife chose over me?!?! What she endangered my health (unprotected sex) over?
That lead me to the next phase.....turning my attention away from the AP and back to where it belonged....on my wife. She chose to adultery....she was not raped. She sought and harvested that which she desired. Through this process I took "me" out of her affair equation. Her affair, like all affairs, are singularly selfish actions. AP matter not, spouses, children, health rish....nothing deters a person set on adultery. It really is just about them.
Then that led me to the next phase.....
.....not all linear actually......edges of each phase blurr into the next.
This is a process.
You are normal.
This is serious trauma.
We have your back.
God is with us all.