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User Topic: BS obsessed with AP - help please
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH still works with OW. I blocked her on my FB but still couldn't stop. I created a FB for my 2 yr old DS and used that to creep her page. Like you nothing I saw ever made me feel better. Ever. If anything I usually felt worse. I still have a really hard time with this. I blocked her on that page and deactivated it but it's way to easy to reactivate and unblock.

Today I told WH I'm not even sure the hate I feel is for her but really for what she represents. I could see in two seconds that if they were to be together irl they would be miserable. Why couldn't he see that?? Why did he think it was love?? I also can't help wondering if she and the things they did are what he really wants. She could not be more different than me personality wise. I truly feel like I don't know the man who did this. He was definitely not the man I thought he was and I'm having a hard time accepting that.
Like another poster said maybe I'm hoping one day I'll just understand.
Sorry for the rambling, I wish I had some advice, but I can relate.

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think at this point it feels like a gambler feels after they have lost everything they won at the table. You keep playing, keep checking, hoping maybe THIS time you'll win. I really like the idea of writing a letter(s) to the OC/OW. Not to be sent, of COURSE - strictly for cathartic purposes. Maybe I need to just articulate it once and for all, and then lay it to rest.

I am not convinced she won't want CS at some point. She is a drug dealer on welfare. She has a thing for sugar daddy's. She has an income of sorts, I suppose. I think what she's concerned about is the possibility of sharing custody. We made it clear we weren't walking away - if the child is his, we want to have access. But at this point, we don't really see reason to fight her for a paternity test. If it comes to that, we'll deal with it. But it is a big unknown still hanging out there.

I am so sorry for all the pain here. One thing I am so glad of through all of this - I have become so much wiser and empathetic IRL. Here, I'm still on the needy side if things. :) Thank you for all the truth, compassion and encouragement.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a drug dealer on welfare.


It's different from state to state, but in my state, in order to be eligible for ANY government assistance, you have to name a potential father for your child so that the state can sue for child support.

If paternity has not been established and the father fights the suit, the state will order testing to be done.

My cousin had a "surprise baby" (she somehow did not know on a conscious level that she was pregnant until she was admitted to the emergency room with cramps that turned out to be labor pains, but this story isn't about that). She genuinely did not know who the child's father was. The state denied her benefits (food assistance and medical benefits) until she supplied a name. She did, the guy was tested, and it was not his. Only then did the state accept that she truly does not know who the father of this child is, considering the circumstances.

Other women I have known had to supply the name of the "potential father" for any assistance, whether they had anything to do with the man or not.

As far as Facebook goes, I wish I had some words of advice. I had gotten pretty good at not looking, but now that OC is being adopted I maintain a separate Facebook just for correspondence with OW. I still creep. Almost daily. I am also struggling to quit.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2333 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am sorry for the pain and struggle you are experiencing. I experienced obsessive tendencies too.

Adultery to a BS's is traumatic. PTSD and PTSD-like symptoms are a very real thing. I was tested for PTSD but only had PTSD-like symptoms....obsessive thoughts are one of them.

You keep replaying the event in an attempt to process through it...but you can get stuck there for a bit. Are you in IC? If not, I would strongly recommend this.

Do you have RL female friends? It also helps me to fellowship with male friends about what I am feeling. None of my friends, thankfully, have experienced adultery in their M...but just expressing my feelings helps take some of the power away from them.

Feelings are indicators....not dictators. Don't treat them as such. WS's did....and you know the results of that decision.

I have tried to talk to him about it, but I feel like it disgusts him, and I actually feel a great deal of shame over it. He does not want her in our life, our marriage, our future. I say to myself, "Well, you put her there".

Couple things here....

first, I did this. I felt like I was putting my wife in "undo" pain by bringing up her affair. Codependency sucks...and that is why I initially refrained from talking with my wife about her A. VERY UNHEALTHY. Codependent No More....was a book that helped me understand myself. Once I did I used the techniques in the book to break myself of that cycle.

Second, shame is someone elses sin pushed over/thrust onto you. I get a "man" I felt shame my wife sought out another bull to satisify her. Shame of that plus my codependent tendencies very easily allowed me to accept more pain after each of my DD's. Shame will fade....but it fades faster when you expose the sin that has occurred. Not talking about facebooking "My husband is an ass and f'ed so and so" talking about leaning on a select group of people who are relationship friendly. Shame LOVES the dark....put some light on it and watch it shrivel and die.

Third, I pray your husband will find a copy and read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I pray he finds the courage to finish his statement with "don't want her in our M.....I am sorry I chose adultery and invited her in in the first place. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you."

Tips to do;

--focus on the present. A is no longer being chosen by your husband.
--realize your husbands affair did not kill you. Abandonment fears have been a part of me since age 12. Adultery is among the strongest abandonment a person can chose....and I SURVIVED it!!! This is "worst case scenario"....and I made it through it!!!
--appreciate your growth...such as the empathy you mentioned you now have for others. There are parts of you that are being awakened that you never knew you had.
--reach prayer, reading, RL fellowship, posting on SI. This is too big for any one person to handle. You may have, like I have, spent a lifetime of doing it alone. Take a chance and reach out!
--make it a goal to become better not bitter.
--Healing is a Choice. Steve Arterburn. Get it and read it. It will empower you by bringing truth to the choices you have. Your pain will temporarily blind you to the many choices you have.

I will say a specific prayer for you now and will add you to my SI specific prayer list.

22 months out....past the obsessive thinking phase. But I still remember how aggressively I engaged the fAP. Like another poster mind built him up to "something special". The night I met him on his front porch I found a very different creature. I found a double-chinned, pudgy, terrified man.

Once I saw him in the true light he belonged in, my pain level stayed the same but morphed. I NOW had the thought "THIS is what my wife chose over me?!?! What she endangered my health (unprotected sex) over?

That lead me to the next phase.....turning my attention away from the AP and back to where it belonged....on my wife. She chose to adultery....she was not raped. She sought and harvested that which she desired. Through this process I took "me" out of her affair equation. Her affair, like all affairs, are singularly selfish actions. AP matter not, spouses, children, health rish....nothing deters a person set on adultery. It really is just about them.

Then that led me to the next phase.....

.....not all linear actually......edges of each phase blurr into the next.

This is a process.

You are normal.

This is serious trauma.

Keep posting.

We have your back.

God is with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PP I am all for writing her. I did this multiple times. I would get all my icky, angry, mean, thoughts and feelings out, then I would burn the paper, and allow the negativity to go up in smoke.

Sometimes they would consist only of methods that I wish she would die, others would be exacting how Karma had told me she was gonna Fuck her over, and telling her to hang on tight, cause the storm was coming. Others were really sadness, and pity for her F'd up life, actions, and beliefs. Begging her to never breed, because she could NEVER love a child the way you have to as a parent.

Some were very eloquent, and others just spewing the hatred.

I found this very cathartic. Destroying the negativity allowed me to heal.

So write away....

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 25
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