IMO there are a lot of BSs that try to reconcile just because they have been SAHMs and don't really have any other choice.
In my case I worked when I had too, nights and weekends and then stayed home to help run my WHs business and take care of everything household related. Can I D him? Of course I can, would I lose everything waiting for the settlement that could take months or years? Yes.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I got the perfect punishment. They should bring back the ability to sue the AP for interfering in the marriage in every state.
And they should have a section in the news paper called, cheaters and have their pictures posted like dead beat father pictures and this should be charged as a felony.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
point is the betrayed continues to eat sh*t sandwiches no matter if you reconcile or divorce,
How so? Is my husband eating a shit sandwich because he chose to stay with me? Because he loves me?
I guess I don't understand your comment
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
The BS gets so called "Reasons" why the affair happens.
The BS is then lead to find out who "OP is". This is very hurtful to the BS, because they could possibly be somehow connected to the BS.
If the WS decides to leave, here is the real kicker. Now the BS is left to defend for them self. Then they have to deal with children if they are involved, and it doesn't matter if they are grown-up or not.
If the WS decides to end the affair and go back to their spouse, in most cases it seems like they think things can go back and be normal. Basically the WS get's walked all over either way.
The consequences that are for WS is nothing compared to BS consequences.
There needs to be some type of consequence for them so they know how real the evil they have committed has destroyed families, friendships and damaged companies even.
NOTE: This reflects un-remorseful WS.
[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:47 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]
If you stay and reconcile you live and have to accept the knowledge that your trust and love was broken for an affair and the person you are choosing committed this betrayal. Its almost mind numbing that level of generosity when emotionally you are horribly devastated. It takes years to learn to live with it. And thats where people really want to rebuild and have hope of trust again. Ask your husband if hed like a good marriage without the infidelity. And i hope it is a good marriage. But there is almost no way you can understand the emotional shock and severity of betrayal at that scale, even if he loves you and stays, its eating a shit sandwich. On the other hand divorce is just as big a shit burger. Emotional devastation to me is worse than being single or staying married. It changed me permanently...
My pain as a BS was horrible. Devastating.
However, seeing my H go through the work of owning and fixing his crap, recognizing the pain he caused to me and our boys, facing family, friends, church members who all knew exactly what he had done... man, that's pain on a level that I don't ever want to know. I still see it,almost 2 years past our final dday. The other day, we were riding together, and we passed a flea market that JM used to go to frequently when we were S. I found out at some point that the flea market was the high point of his "dates" with OW during our S. He had taken ds there during one of his weekend visitations. DS started talking about going to the flea market and getting some video rocker chairs. He had no idea what the conversation triggered, but I saw it on JM's face.
There's nothing I can do at those times to make it better for him. I rubbed his hand and arm, smiled to let him know I understood and that I love him.
I know as a BS it can be really, really hard to see our WS's pain and empathize. But with a remorseful WS, it is surely there. And nothing I ever want to experience.
If you stay and reconcile you live and have to accept the knowledge that your trust and love was broken for an affair and the person you are choosing committed this betrayal.
By your logic, the A defines a person indefinately. How unfortunate. People change. Hurts heal. And relationships rebuild.
You're only 2 years out. Maybe 10 years from now you'll feel differently.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
But there is almost no way you can understand the emotional shock and severity of betrayal at that scale, even if he loves you and stays, its eating a shit sandwich
I wouldn't claim to know what it feels like, but please don't claim to know that my husband is eating a shit sandwich every day because he stayed with me.
I know one thing for sure...he's way strong enough and confident enough to open up the front door and walk out if he felt he was sacrificing or living a shitty life with me.
Our marriage will always have a deep scar from me cheating, but that one chapter does not encompass our entire 20 years together.
Yes, I did go through a very contentious D(all the way to the State Supreme court) in a *no fault* state. Her A, in and of itself, had no effect on the custody. The fact that she was willing to drop the kids off at her parents to spend time with OM, did.
Yes, I also was able to prove her infidelity. I don't want to force those without evidence to have to stay in an abusive relationship until they can though.
For those feeling they will be forced to eat the sandwich for the rest of their lives, I'm sorry for you. Yes, I'm only 2 years out(2nd M) and still choking down the vestiges of that sandwich. But, I wouldn't be in R if I wasn't occasionally tasting the champagne and caviar that is to come.
I've been the D route. It gets better. I'm trying the R route this time. Tell you what, with a truly remorseful spouse, I'm looking forward to even better yet!
I saw someone post about jail time, and at first I thought that was a little harsh, but then I thought of this:
If we were to assault someone, they could press charges on us and we could wind up doing jail time. Isn't destroying someone to their very core through infidelity essentially assault? Why shouldn't we be automatically compensated?
Not that I want jail time for people...just financial compensation from the WS and AP to the BS.
(That was about $0.10 worth...sorry).
Nice that some people change, and glad some people get to roll right over the guy dealing with a massive gut punch, but all that said, i thought the general forum was not for waywards to come attack betrayed spouses? Right? If you reconciled cool. If your life is grand a decade out, cool. Im not 10 years out and frankly i dont feel like being scolded by waywards about what i should and shouldnt think when im just anpart of a general conversation. I mean wow. Insaid its a shit sandwich people. Some people take years and years to work theough it. If it were easy why would we need a site? And for that i get flamed. Go to the wayward forum if you dont like hearing my perspective. Sheesh. I thought this was safe.
i dont feel like being scolded by waywards about what i should and shouldnt think when im just anpart of a general conversation
You don't know me or my "gut punched" husband. Don't assume all relationships fit in your mold. How is that scolding, attacking, or flaming?
Go to the wayward forum if you dont like hearing my perspective. Sheesh
The point is that they started this site - DS and MH - so I'm pretty sure that even though he only appears under circumstances similar to summoning minor deities and greater demons to lay down the ban hammer, they've discussed this and the man knows his mind and shared it with his wife.
You're right, it's a shit sandwich but it doesn't have to last forever.
I do however do not think someone's opinion should not be stated because they are differing and a wayward. It was never anyones intention to hurt feelings or scold.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."